Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I just made a hoagie sandwich

Sister Villenstein's pray took so long on Sunday that it gave me a chance to prepare and eat a hoagie sandwich before she finished. Delicious.

Monday, November 17, 2008

This week's 15th most popular sin

Dressing up in a sexy nurse costume even though Halloween is over and you're not a nurse.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

General Authorityship 101

Starting this spring, BYU will teach a class on how to be a general authority. The class not only prepares participants in becoming general authorities, but it will also help you learn lots more scriptures, including a few about faith, and some about prayer.

Class topics with include:
1. How to select a proper necktie
2. Which shades of dark blue are appropriate for a suit
3. How to lovingly scorn sinners
4. Voice intonation
5. Avoiding loud laughter
6. Avoiding fun
7. How to read from a tele-prompter
8. Food storage myths
9. The two occasions when it's ok to swear
10. Whether or not Steve Martin is a Mormon and if not, what can we do to get him to be one
11. How to cut down a walnut tree you planted and make your very own podium
12. Celebrities we wish had never been Mormon to begin with
13. White hair, gray hair, no hair--It's all good
14. The real reason blacks couldn't hold the priesthood for a while
15. Underground tunnel navigation review
16. Where to find stories of kids falling down wells, or stories about people picking up talking snakes
17. How to donate to Rush Limbaugh
18. Most hilarious excommunications
19. Be sure to marry someone better than you, but that talks to adults like they're talking to a kindergarten class
20. Doctors that will discretely remove tattoos - (no one's prefect)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Who would Jesus Bomb?

I saw a bumber sticker today that said, "Who would Jesus bomb?" which is sort of silly, because they didn't have bombs back then.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Trip down memory lane

Last night I thought I was taking a trip down memory lane but apparently, according to my son Nathan, I was taking a trip down dork lane.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Ironic, I'd say

Are you like me? Don't you think it's ironic that brother Don Berger is a vegetarian?

Friday, November 07, 2008

Let us teach the young kids what is cool

When I first became bishop two years ago I thought one of the perks would be that when I interview people, I would get to see some people I hate, cry. But as it turns out, I don't hate anyone and I never really have. So that was a silly thing to think would be a perk. 

Instead, I should have realized the perks would be that I'd see an increase in the spirit in my life and that I'd get a good parking spot at church because I'd get there before anyone else, and things like that. This calling is really teaching me a lot. 

Learning from the Lord is cool. Now, we just need to find a way to teach the young kids that having the spirit is cool. Wearing your pants low isn't cool. Reading the scriptures in your native tongue or a secondary language is cool. Hitting people in the face with a mud-ball isn't. Helping a neighbor throw out rotten food from their cellar is cool. Calling someone a douche-bag isn't. Getting the crowd to sing "Teach Me To Walk In The Light" if you're in a group where someone passes out and you're all standing around while the paramedics work on him, is cool. Memorizing lines from popular movies, like Legally Blond and A Dirty Shame, isn't.

Now, let's just teach the young kids.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Who would Joseph Smith vote for?

I had a dream last night that Joseph Smith prayed to find out who to vote for and his answer was that he should not vote for any of the candidates. That none of them would lead us in the right direction. But instead, that he should write in the name of Kelly Ripa. That's when I realized I was dreaming.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

How have you fallen so low?

Well, thanks again for our guest bishop stepping in while I was away with the family in Lubbock Texas. One thing that happens to a man when he goes to Lubbock Texas is that he realizes how much the Lord has blessed him to be able to live in Provo Utah, what, with these beautiful mountains and our plentiful shopping areas that are closed on Sunday. Lubbock, my heart goes out to you. You have no mountains and your stores are open on Sunday so your town folk may be tempted to break the Sabbath. Oh, Lubbock Texas, how have you fallen so low?

A poem for Lubbock

Lubbock, tempt me not
with our trinkets and your wine.
I never meant to sin
in such a dusty place.