Remember The Ward Dinner This Week

Our ward dinner this week will be called "Steak Conference" and we'll be having steak. And ribs. And cake. Our "steak conference" will be held this Saturday, the day before Stake Conference. Plan on feeling the spirit both days, but only getting free meat on one of them.

I Don't Know The Answer To This

One of the ward members asked me a good question. I don't know the answer, but I'll open it up for all of you to give your oppinion. Here's the question.

If you come to this earth and are given the last name of "Plowman" will you get extra breaks when you go to heaven on account of having to go through life with the last name Plowman?

As I said, I don't know the answer. But I will say this. At least you name isn't Seimens. Or this would be hilarious. What if your name was Tim Nuggets. Ha ha ha. Tim Nuggets. Who would ever want to be named Tim.

Fish Sticks

There was a lively discussion in priesthood meeting this past Sunday. Some said that when Jesus fed a big crowd with only seven loaves of bread and two fishes, it might have gone something like this.

Disciple: Welcome to the sermon. Can I interest you in some bread and fish?
Sermon-goer: How much is it?
Disciple: Free! We're just giving it out willy-nilly.
Sermon-goer: How is the fish prepared?
Disciple: Breaded. In fact, it's actually a fish stick.
Sermon-goer: A fish stick? Uh....I'll just have the bread, thank you.
Disciple: Suit yourself.

This is not doctrine. Just something some of the brethren were tossing out as a possibility.

Ward Callings

The new ward callings this week are as follows:


Ward Locksmith - Shanon Papenfuss
Ward Dietitian - Tristan Jones
Ward Falconer - Kristen Danielson
Ward Peeping Tom - Thomas Peeping, Sr.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Standing in the kitchen nude while holding a plate of spaghetti in one hand, and a bowl of salad in the other, then juggling two squirrels and balancing a tea cup on your nose.

(Really, the only harm here is that the squirrels get dizzy and it's considered torture).

No one said the pioneers got off easy

Pick the Sick

Ward quiz--Can you match the disease with the ward member currently suffering from that disease?

1. Dengue Fever
2. Rhabdophobia
3. Center Abdominal Groin Strain

A. Mitch Seldonhoff
B. Kathy Barkling
C. Don Wadler

Pioneer disagreement

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This week's 6th most popular sin (Youth Edition)

Singing "Where Can I Turn For A Piece" instead of "Where Can I Turn For Peace" and telling your primary teacher you are "steadfast and bowelmoveable".

Childish.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

When Simon Sieman Jr. was a senior in high school, he always wore a cape. When Simon Sieman Sr. was a junior in high school he was an avid bug collector. Well, they've both just moved in the ward and they are still just as weird. But that's no reason for us to deny them a hand of fellowship. We'll just want to make sure and wash that hand, quickly afterwards. Any suggestions on what callings they should have?

Brother Samuelson, executive secratary calls a ward member

Click to view larger and read the text

New Calling Idea

Shopping on Sundays. I'm not going to deny that it happens. From time to time we all need something at the store on Sunday, whether it's toothpaste, ice cream for when the home teachers come over, feminine products for our wife, twine, light bulbs, NyQuil, printer cartridge, squirrel food, birthday candles, milk, or a hungry man TV dinner.

So, you go to the store and later feel guilty. Especially, because when you are there, you see three of your ward members doing the same thing. You look at each other with that uneasy glance. You try not to be seen as you check out what the other person is buying, then say to yourself, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't have waited until tomorrow to buy hair dye for your wife's mustache?" Meanwhile, they are doing the same thing, saying to themselves, "Are you kidding me? You're buying cup cakes? You should be buying carrots instead."

This is not helpful and does not bring us close together as a ward family. It doesn't have to be that way. So, I have a great new idea. We now have a new ward calling. This person will be our designated "Sunday shopper". If you have anything you need on Sunday, simply call this person and they will compile a shopping list. At 3:00pm every Sunday, they will go shopping for anyone in the ward that didn't use Saturday as a special day, a day to get ready for Sunday.

We are calling Ken Webster to this position. What a brilliant idea. I am so smart. I love to think of good ideas. Or, to hear them from someone else, and then use them for my own. Thanks, Ken.

Ward Riddle

Question: In what way are Monty Altamonte's temple recommend and the TheraFlu in my medicine cabinet the same?

Answer: They both expired in 2003

That would sure be hilarious

You know how on Fast Sunday you refrain from eating or drinking for 24 hours? Wouldn't it be funny if you also refrained from going the bathroom for that same time period? Whew! Talk about breaking your fast.

This Week's Primary Birthday

Can you guess who are special primary birthday boy or girl is this week?

• Got a St. Bernard for Christmas
• Wants to be a bee-keeper or an architect when he/she grows up
• Birthmark on his/her right shoulder that looks a little bit like Gabriel Kaplan, that guy on "Welcome Back Kotter"
• Stuggles with math
• His/her grandmother came up with the line "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash"

Did you guess Madge Ollen? Wrong. She's not even in primary anymore. Did you guess Jesse Calhoun? You're right! Happy birthday Jesse.

New Member Quiz

To all the brand new members of the church, quick--answer this question!

Which of the following is a member of the Godhead

1. Holy Smoke
2. Holy Ghost
3. Holy Toledo

Ward Dinner Has A New Name

Every year we have our January ward dinner and call it the New Year Dinner. Boring. This year, it's going to be called, "Sweet Hour of Sweet and Sour Pork". We'll be having sweet and sour pork.

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

• Ward blacksmith - Ric Wyman
  
• Committee chairman on the committee to form committees - Karen Kerby
  
• Ward horse trainer - Piper Nichols
  
• Ward VHS to DVD specialist - Will Bryson
  
• Ward fact checker - Kathleen Lentz
  
• Ward attorney general - Brad Anderson
  
• Ward butter churner - Tyler Leavitt
  

Update on our "Tithing Elite" program

It's been nearly a year since we instigated our "Tithing Elite" program and it's been a huge success. Go here and read the post to find out how it got started and what it's all about. You'll also want to read the comments people left when we first started "Tithing Elite" because some people just don't catch the vision.

But that's neither here nor there. The exciting thing is that we have added new benefits to the "Tithing Elite" program. Here are the new benefits for 2009

• Shuttle service to and from church
• Complimentary breath mints (can be shared with brother Omel Dellacourte)
• Either "Sexual Innuendo on the Rise" T-shirt, or "I am way more humble than you" T-shirt. Your choice.
• Special copy of the ward directory showing the ages of everyone in the ward. (Sister Pinnegar is my same age? She looks so old).
• Thorough beard combing. (Only to members with a beard).
• Heated seats in the winter and tiny individual fans in the summer.
• Sinning "Free pass" given once a month to be used with the sin of your choice. (Sexual sins not included and can not be used with any murder-type sins. "Free sin pass" must be used in the month it is given. Only one sin per sin pass.)

We expect to add more benefits later in the year.

I had a dream I had a vision

Last night I had a dream that I had a vision. In that vision, I was told that I should take a second wife and that it should be that girl from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Ok--Here's the deal. This was a dream that I had a vision which means, it doesn't count as a vision, which means it was just a dream which means anything can happen in a dream.

Of this, there is no such thing

Uh....no. There is no such thing at "tithing implants" to make it look like you are paying more tithing than the actual amount. Oh dear. How did this rumor get started? I can't imagine Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay had anything to do about it. How then? Brother Tibbles, everyone is suspect except for you. Sister Laub, I blame you.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This week's profile: Brother Phil Tuffin

Many years ago Brother Phil Tuffin became Wisconsin's youngest senator with the following slogan:
Won't take no guffin
He keeps on puffin
Favorite food: oatmeal biscuits

It's hard to believe that such a slogan would do anyone any good at all, and yet, there you go: Senator. Then, in 1967, he moved to Utah so he could be closer to the Pacific ocean. He didn't want to be too close. Just closer than where he was in Wisconsin.

It was while living in Utah that he first met the Mormon missionaries. Unfortunately, they were a very disobedient pair of missionaries running an illegal dog track and betting operation. So the next time brother Puffin met the missionaries five years later, he was very suspicious. (He had lost over $7,000 betting on a dog name Prince Giggles). But the third time he met the missionaries he was prepared to hear their message of love and peace and life after death, whether or not that was death by natural causes, gunfire, or from a shark attack.

Since that time, Brother Tuffin has served in so many ward callings it's hard to count them all. But I did anyway, and the number is 37. Currently he is serving as ward concierge. Whenever four or more of the members of our ward want to go to the Olive Garden together, Brother Tuffin will call and get them a reservation.

Bless you, Brother Tuffin.

No one thought that

As Mormons, we often hear humorous and not so humorous misinterpretations of our faith. You know what I mean. Some people still think we have plural marriage. Some people think we don't believe in Jesus. Some people think we have horns. (Really?) But I thought it might be helpful to list some things that no one has ever thought about us, and for good reason. None of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true..

1. Mormons can not have a frogs as pets
2. Anyone caught eating raw meat will be laughed at
3. In the 1950's the word "choosy" was prohibited
4. The secret tunnels under the temple include one path to a room full of fully stocked vending machines and pin-ball machines
5. Mormons sleep one more extra minute than non-Mormons every night
6. 70% of all Mormons (recent poll) think Ryan Seacrest is one of the three Nephites
7. Early members of the church used to think bears should be baptized
8. Most Mormons believe that once we get to heaven, clothes from Old Navy will be marked down ever further!
9. Most Mormons believe that the Nephites were first to invent hot dogs, but the recipe was lost for hundreds of years
10. Anyone wearing black to church usually indicates they've committed a sin of the flesh from the previous week.

Let me repeat, none of these are true. But they sure are fun to think about.

I Don't Know How This Vision Helps

Last night while sleeping I had a vision and was shown that if Lorenzo Snow was alive today, his favorite restaurant would be Fudruckers, but that he would refuse to same the name, on account of his desire to avoid the appearance of evil. Good to know, but quite frankly, I'm not sure how this vision helps me.

This week's 44th least popular sin

Sorcery

From The Suggestion Box

We've had a couple of suggestions that during Sacrament Meeting we have an "old person" section, where anyone 80 years or older would be required to sit. The idea is to cut down on the smell. Thanks for the suggestion, but I think we'll pass on that. If you ask me, that doesn't seem very kind.

Broken Hip Awareness Week

It's that time of year again, brothers and sisters. Careful on the ice.

This Saturday, Brother Callup will be conducting our Fragile Hip Safety Class as part of our stake-wide Broken Hip Awareness Week. All participants will be entered into a drawing for one free replacement hip, as well as some gift certificates to Applebees.

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Sponsoring two events at Peeping Tom Day.

Allow This Clarification

Little Mary Paremen stated in her testimony today that Jesus was the first person to teach us all to "Be kind, rewind." Wrong! So wrong. Her parents need a family home evening lesson on when the VCR was invented.

Some things we can be thankful for

Sometimes we forget how blessed we are and so I thought I'd just mention a few things that many of us can be thankful for. Feel free to use any of these in your next prayer:

1 - We can be thankful we don't live in Ogden.
2 - We can be thankful that our name isn't Buck, or worse, Bucky.
3 - We can be thankful killer bees are just something the liberals made up to scare us into recycling.
4 - We can be thankful we aren't living in a house with a constant propane leak.
5 - We can be thankful that our wives can cross-stitch.
6 - We can be thankful we subscribe to the Ensign and that it's so affordable, even for poor people.
7 - We can be thankful no one in our ward has to drive a Dodge Omni.
8 - We can be thankful most cell phone plans, now, have the option for unlimited texting. (The pioneers never had this option).
9 - We can be thankful sharks are unable to go on land or to the mall.
10 - We can be thankful that we've put all the Christmas stuff away.

Slacks can be a wonderful gift

When you give someone a present, consider slacks. They can be a wonderful gift. Obviously, your first choice will be to give them a book from Deseret Book, and next, a gift certificate to the distribution center, but after you've covered those bases, think slacks. It's one of the things I got for Christmas and I'm enjoying them right now. I do love comfort.

We're changing the name

As many of you know, our first counselor, Brother Ted Malloy is involved heavily in the marketing field and came up with a peach of an idea. He thought we should change the name "Fast Sunday" to "Poor People Day" in an effort to increase donations. He felt like it would help remind our ward of its purpose and I think he just might be right. Let's give it a go and see what happens.

This post sponsored by Kumpachi Juice. A division of Ted Malloy Industries.

My 10 favorite things about 2008

10 - Went boating 36 times with my family. There will be boating in heaven.
09 - Kept my weight at under 200 pounds (righteous eating habits)
08 - Learned how to boondoggle.
07 - Helped my son Kyle with his Pinewood Derby (Wining isn't everything Kyle. But having a good relationship with your father, is.
06 - Helped my son Nathan eradicate the word "retard" from his vocabulary and helped him see that something "hilarious" isn't a justification for saying it.
05 - Invented a new kind of nog. Ham nog. It's delicious.
04 - Inspired so many people in the ward to choose the right.
03 - Quarreled less.
02 - Avoided evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, and also avoided looking down the shirt of Sister Laub even though I believe she bent over like that on purpose. Now, sister Laub. What are we going to do with those--I mean, you. What are we going to do with you?
01 - Strengthened the youth.

Happy New Year, brothers and sisters. And may all your prayers be granted and half of your wishes.

Bless this food

When we say a prayer before eating and include a phrase about blessing the food to nourish and strengthen our bodies, what happens to the food is nothing short of a miracle.

High fructose corn syrup takes on the molecular properties of cane sugar, sugar takes on the properties of salt, salt takes on the properties of protein, protein takes on the properties of fiber, and fiber takes on the properties of even more fiber.

That's why we Mormons are way more healthy than other religions and non-believers.

Go Mormons!

Contents of Sister Jorgenson's testimony.

Here is a 2008 summary of the content presented to us by sister Jorgenson as she has given us her testimony each month.

Deseret Book should sell these

Well that would have made things easier

I was just thinking that if the pioneers would have had access to some jackets with Gore-tex when they crossed the plains, that would have really made things easier. Without it, though, you can really see why they got as cold as they did. I'll bet if they did have Gore-tex, there would have been more of the following conversations:

Man 1: Looks like a storm's a brew'n
Man 2: Storm, schmorm.
Man 1: Huh? What are you talking about. We're bound to get cold and wet. Oh right. Gore-tex. I forgot.
Man2: By the way, why is your shoulder all torn up?
Man 1: I just put my shoulder to the wheel.

Most popular pies

Here is a pie chart showing what pies were most popular at the ward Christmas party last Saturday.

Facebook.

My son Nathan told me about Facebook and I felt it would be just another way to stay connected with the ward. If you use Facebook too, be sure and add me. You'll be blessed for doing so. I'll have to ask my son Nathan, but I don't think you have to be in the same ward. Or even in the stake. In fact, I'll bet you can live in other places and have different views on religion. I might be part of the one true church, and you might be in the full grip of Satan's power. It's facebooky fine.

This week's 44th least popular sin

Saying to a young single girl, "It's getting a little hot in here--Why don't we take off our sweaters" even though it's 35 degrees and neither of you are wearing sweaters.

Christmas gift guide

Want a great Christmas idea? Give someone an afghan. They're both itchy and cozy at the same time, reminding us that there must be opposition in all things. Young kids can benefit the most from this lesson. Old people can benefit the most from the extra layer. There is no need to be ashamed of poor circulation.

I just made a hoagie sandwich

Sister Villenstein's pray took so long on Sunday that it gave me a chance to prepare and eat a hoagie sandwich before she finished. Delicious.

This week's 15th most popular sin

Dressing up in a sexy nurse costume even though Halloween is over and you're not a nurse.

General Authorityship 101

Starting this spring, BYU will teach a class on how to be a general authority. The class not only prepares participants in becoming general authorities, but it will also help you learn lots more scriptures, including a few about faith, and some about prayer.

Class topics with include:
1. How to select a proper necktie
2. Which shades of dark blue are appropriate for a suit
3. How to lovingly scorn sinners
4. Voice intonation
5. Avoiding loud laughter
6. Avoiding fun
7. How to read from a tele-prompter
8. Food storage myths
9. The two occasions when it's ok to swear
10. Whether or not Steve Martin is a Mormon and if not, what can we do to get him to be one
11. How to cut down a walnut tree you planted and make your very own podium
12. Celebrities we wish had never been Mormon to begin with
13. White hair, gray hair, no hair--It's all good
14. The real reason blacks couldn't hold the priesthood for a while
15. Underground tunnel navigation review
16. Where to find stories of kids falling down wells, or stories about people picking up talking snakes
17. How to donate to Rush Limbaugh
18. Most hilarious excommunications
19. Be sure to marry someone better than you, but that talks to adults like they're talking to a kindergarten class
20. Doctors that will discretely remove tattoos - (no one's prefect)

Who would Jesus Bomb?

I saw a bumber sticker today that said, "Who would Jesus bomb?" which is sort of silly, because they didn't have bombs back then.

Trip down memory lane

Last night I thought I was taking a trip down memory lane but apparently, according to my son Nathan, I was taking a trip down dork lane.

Ironic, I'd say

Are you like me? Don't you think it's ironic that brother Don Berger is a vegetarian?

Let us teach the young kids what is cool

When I first became bishop two years ago I thought one of the perks would be that when I interview people, I would get to see some people I hate, cry. But as it turns out, I don't hate anyone and I never really have. So that was a silly thing to think would be a perk. 

Instead, I should have realized the perks would be that I'd see an increase in the spirit in my life and that I'd get a good parking spot at church because I'd get there before anyone else, and things like that. This calling is really teaching me a lot. 

Learning from the Lord is cool. Now, we just need to find a way to teach the young kids that having the spirit is cool. Wearing your pants low isn't cool. Reading the scriptures in your native tongue or a secondary language is cool. Hitting people in the face with a mud-ball isn't. Helping a neighbor throw out rotten food from their cellar is cool. Calling someone a douche-bag isn't. Getting the crowd to sing "Teach Me To Walk In The Light" if you're in a group where someone passes out and you're all standing around while the paramedics work on him, is cool. Memorizing lines from popular movies, like Legally Blond and A Dirty Shame, isn't.

Now, let's just teach the young kids.

Who would Joseph Smith vote for?

I had a dream last night that Joseph Smith prayed to find out who to vote for and his answer was that he should not vote for any of the candidates. That none of them would lead us in the right direction. But instead, that he should write in the name of Kelly Ripa. That's when I realized I was dreaming.

How have you fallen so low?

Well, thanks again for our guest bishop stepping in while I was away with the family in Lubbock Texas. One thing that happens to a man when he goes to Lubbock Texas is that he realizes how much the Lord has blessed him to be able to live in Provo Utah, what, with these beautiful mountains and our plentiful shopping areas that are closed on Sunday. Lubbock, my heart goes out to you. You have no mountains and your stores are open on Sunday so your town folk may be tempted to break the Sabbath. Oh, Lubbock Texas, how have you fallen so low?

A poem for Lubbock

Lubbock, tempt me not

with our trinkets and your wine.

I never meant to sin

in such a dusty place.

O Pioneers!

I'm not saying that being a pioneer crossing the plains would have been easy. Of course they had their challenges. But sometimes I look back at their time and can't help but wish I could have been one of them, with their nice cowboy hats, their matching shirts and their gitty-up sing songs. Sure I'm happy with what I've got, but a fellow can dream, can't he?

This week's 23rd least popular sin

Making sculptures of the Provo Temple out of Spam, then selling them on Craigslist as "The Lord's Most Edible House".

Just like last year, we'll have another guest Bishop

Next week my family and I will be unable to attend our ward. We're going to Lubbock Texas. It's that time of year again when we visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

And, just like last year, (read about it here) I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop".

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

Also, don't tell him about the ward boat fund. I think that if you do he'll be jealous when he goes back to his own ward. And don't tell him about Mr. Wiggles, the ward dog, either. And come to think of it, don't tell him about how we just had "casual Sunday" and that we all wore shorts to church. And don't tell him about the snake that lives in the relief society room. And don't tell him how I burst out laughing during brother Calberts testimony last year. (So disrespectful. If he were still alive I would so tell him I'm sorry). But do tell him how I let any of the ladies wear fancy hats inside the church, like they sometimes do in those Baptist churches. (I love that about the Baptists). So while the guest bishop is here, mostly, just carry on like we're a normal ward.

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

Ward Boondoggler - Ashley Knudsen
Ward Knudsen - Todd Boondoggler
Ward PR specialist - Calvin Billden
Ward Halloween Party Pooper - Martha Oberman (again)
Ward Chorister - Bill Romero
Sunday school teacher for the CTR-B class - Rob Sadler
Ward Cartoonist - Cal McGovern
Ward Machinist - Mac McCallister
That guys that puts all the Hymn books back after Sacrament Meeting - Olaf Skulgen

Without purse or scrip

Are you like me? Do you sometimes run down to the store without purse or scrip and then you get to the checkout line and that's when you figure out you've left the house without your purse or scrip. So you run home to get them and then you're walking across the parking lot and you hear some teenage boys yell out, "Ha ha. Look! That man's got a purse".

Does that ever happen to you?

Casserole wrestling

It's come to my attention that some members of the ward have begun a casserole wrestling club. Let me state that while it may not be as lurid and sensual as mud wrestling or jello wrestling, it is still unbecoming of a follower of Jesus. I'd like to see that this is discontinued at once. Casserole wrestling--what will they think of next? Actually, please don't answer that. I don't want to know.

The quadruplets - an upadate

It's been over a year since Sister Adler had the quadruplets, Faith, Hope, Charity and Brenda. (You can read about it here). Many of you have been asking why they named the boy "Brenda" and so you'll be happy to hear they decided to change his name to Randy. Believe me, I'm as relieved as you.

Will you be in the ward road-show?

Brother Samuelson is calling to see if you'll be in the road show. If the answer is yes, can you also direct it?

Makes you laugh and think

What's great about the Pearl of Great Price is that it makes you laugh AND think.

Just kidding. It only makes you think.

You can't choose yourself to be Elder's Quorum President

Brother Samuelson is calling to ask that you quit campaigning to try and be elder's quorum president. That's not up to you. It's up to the Lord.

Davey Wicket, you just misunderstood - that's all

Davey Wicket called me yesterday. He was concerned about the reverence level in the nursery. As it turns out, he walked by the nursery room last Sunday just in time to overhear one of the youngsters yell out, "I can touch my eyeball". Thing is, however, that he didn't realize it was the nursery room but thought it was the Family Relations class. Once we realized the source of the misunderstanding, we both had a good laugh. Then I showed him how I can touch my eyeball. One thing you'll learn about me if you're new in the ward--I love to joke and tease.

Heaven's Going To Be Awesome!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Heaven's going to be awesome!

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This Week's Profile: Stanford Camdon

Stanford Camdon may have a dumb name, but he has a terrific job. He owns a company that is the fourth largest producer of circus peanuts in the western United States (not including Colorado). He inherited the company from his aunt who ran the company for years.

You may have noticed that brother Camdon is hard of hearing. That's a result, he shouted to me one day, of being around all the heavy machinery at his factory. You may have noticed that brother Camdon only has one leg. That's because of an accident that took place at the factory years ago. You may have noticed that brother Camdon is missing three fingers on his left hand. He was born that way. Try not to stare.

Brother Camdon, great to have you in the ward.

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord

The young women in the ward have come up with a new fellowship program designed to get more of the less active young men to come and participate. It's called "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord." Let us all pray for its success.

Lex De Azevedo, Where Are You When We Need You

Wouldn't it be great if Lex De Azevedo would write another one of those musicals, like My Turn On Earth, but only this time, it would be about a dashing bishop that loves his ward, sometimes too much. He takes them boating and he's really good at badminton. But he lives next to a guy that thinks he should be the bishop instead and so he goes around telling people in the ward that the bishop isn't very good at playing horseshoes and that he doesn't know how to train a dog, even though he can. Man, talk about tension. How does it end? I don't know! That's why we need Lex De Azevedo. Where are you when we need you?

Don't Forget!

Just a reminder that we've moved "Casual Friday" to Sunday. Won't it be fun to wear shorts to church for once!

Brother Samuelson Calls A New Family To Welcome Them To The Ward

Brother Samuelson welcomes a new couple to the ward and asks them if they want to come over and listen to Fibber Mcgee and Molly.

Easy Listening

Does the Lord love easy listening music more than other kinds? I believe the answer to that is yes.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Praying to Mitt Romney

Vote for our site - It's a commandment

If you care at all about your salvation (Heaven's going to be awesome!) then I recommend you vote for this blog. We've been nominated for something. I'm not sure what. Probably something about how spiritual our ward is. I think the award is probably something like, the whole ward will get translated.

Brother Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Scones

Take the Homeless Boating, Take Them Boating

You know how, when you think about the homeless, you always think about giving them a new pair of socks, or helping them get a burr out their beard? Those things are nice, but sometimes the homeless like to just let their hair down and have a good time. That's why we're going to have a"Take the Homeless Boating" night. We tried this last year and it was a great success.

Thanks to all the homeless that showed up last year:
Flapjack
Lug nut
Captain Scabs
Callico
Breadbox
Jib-jab
Noxy
Lady Cha-cha
Cornhusk
Badger
Ricketts McGhee
Mr. Shiny
Lord Vagabond
Dave Norley

Royal Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Bake Sale

Brother Royal Samuelson, Executive Secratary, makes a call to clarify something about the ward bake sale. It's not the ward get baked sale.

Baby Blessing

Last Sunday, Justin Gorble blessed their sweet little daughter, Cassie. Justin informed me there were quite a few things he forgot to mention in the blessing. And while they won't "count" now, he did want me to mention to the ward some of the things he wishes he would have remembered to say.

...And Cassie, we bless you to never use swear words until you're at least 21, and then only if you're in a play about coal miners. We bless you to be extra kind to Chinese people. They seem to hardly ever get a break. We bless you to not marry anyone named Butch. That name alone should tell you all you need to know.

We bless you to be healthy, and if you do get an anal fissure, it won't be until you are at least 93 years old. We bless you to not get vanity license plates.

We bless you to be able to keep from bursting into laughter whenever you meet people that say they went to LDS business college. We bless you to be a good speller.

You come from a long and proud line of Gorbles. Never forget that you are a Gorble. While the name may be a little silly and sort of sounds like an overweight person with a double chin, you should still be proud of your heritage and just be glad your last name isn't Siemens.

We bless you, that, if during your lifetime, someone figures out a way for humans to become invisible, you will use this power for good, never for evil. Satan will try and tempt you to become invisible and go to movies without paying for them. Resist this temptation.

We bless you to avoid getting an email address that sounds like you're a stripper. We bless you to be kind to animals, but never try to elect one to political office.

We bless you that you will have a beautiful singing voice that will lift the spirits of many through the power of music. Learn well the songs of Karen Carpenter. These songs will bless the lives of so many people at the old folks home if you can just get over the smell and humble yourself to go there and perform.

We bless you to have good memorization skills but also be good at ping-pong and hacky sac.

And finally, we bless you to look good in pink, but also in orange and brown.

I liked it better way back when

Why do all the movies have to have so many sexual overtones and explosions these days? Why don't they make the movies like they used to where they left it up to your imagination whether or not one or both of the people on screen had a venereal disease?

That was one good sacrament meeting

If you weren't there in sacrament meeting last Sunday, boy oh boy did you miss a great meeting. I don't remember what anyone talked about, but we got out five minutes early. That gave me some extra time to shake some hands and squeeze in an extra bishop's interview. I won't tell you who it was, but I will tell you that she will be coming in next week too, and the week after that. And she drives a blue Lexus.

Why I have so much humility

As many of you know, while I don't technically feel like I'm better than you, I do feel like I excel, in many areas, more than most people. I'm very good with home financing, for example. I'm very frugal, but not cheap. I do enjoy an expensive meal at the Olive Garden from time to time, but I can also enjoy myself at Del Taco. I don't brag, but I do feel comfortable talking about how I can most likely beat you in Scrabble or Badminton.

Is that wrong? No. Because I talk about it as a way of getting you to be a better person. It's all in the reason why I do it. If I was doing it to vaunt myself above you or for gloating purposes, then yes, it would be wrong.

But I learned at an early age that it's so much more helpful to talk about your superiority with humility. And I'm very good at it. It's just another one of my skills. Did I develop this skill overnight? I did not. I developed it over three nights after attending a seminar 20 years ago called "Humility: Good, but other skills are way better".

Get to know your ward members

Dolly Frischknecht always loved her last name. That was because her mother used to tell her that is was Polish for "both regal and fragrant". Her mother was lying. It is, in fact, Polish, but the real meaning of the name is "I think I'm going to sneeze". It was years before Dolly learned the truth and when she did, became angry, then bitter, then angry, then sad, then giddy (that was only for a few minutes while she was riding a roller coaster at Lagoon) and then back to angry again. During this period of her life, she met the Mormon missionaries. They taught her about love and forgiveness and Dolly learned that when we are angry at others, the only one it hurts is ourselves. (Unless during the time we are angry, we sock the other person in the jaw).

Dolly has now been a member of the church for two years and is currently serving on the ward cafeteria planning committe.

I also want to point out that Dolly is nearly 7 feet tall. Freakish for a man, but even more so for a woman. Do not let that stop you from welcoming her in our ward. There is no place in our ward for looking at someone with a odd or strange trait that deep inside you are so glad you don't have, and treating them any differently because of it.

Buy holy clothes

If you want a t-shirt that says, "I am way more humble than you" or "Sexual innuendo on the rise" you can get one here. All proceeds go towards the ward boat fund. Perfect for back-to-school and endorsed by myself and Stake President Martin.

My conference talk

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Incentive program

Call me crazy, but I don't think there's anything wrong with our young missionaries giving their investigators an extra incentive for joining the church. I mean, what's wrong with letting them know that if they get baptized by next week, they'll throw in a delightful spa package for both the investigator and her husband valued at $550 and if they get baptized two weeks after that, they still get a prize, but instead of the spa treatment, it's a Cherie Call CD. If Cherie Call can't get them to join the church, I don't know what will. (Well, the spirit).

Cherie Call has a CD called Heart Made of Wind. Take that, gentiles.

Brother Mendelbaum is gross

Brother Mendelbaum thinks it's so funny to come out of the bathroom and then say, "Funny. I don't even remember eating corn." I think it's gross.

I'll Have To Ask The Stake President

Brother Meldon asked me a question on Sunday and I don't know the answer. He wanted to know if, in terms of sinning, "loud laughter" and "loud giggling" are the same thing. I'll have to ask the Stake President.

This Week's 406th least popular sin

Cattle Rustling

This Week's 387th least popular sin

Playing dice in the alley.

Ward Party Some Time Soon

Our ward party will be held the next time Alan Siepert, the ward liar, has to work nights. If someone could let me know his work schedule, that will really help moves things along.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Long time ward member Chuck Livingston finally changed her name last week. She was tired of being mistaken for a man (because of her first name Chuck, not because of the slight mustache) so she had it legally changed to Dawn.

She told me recently that she felt she had to wait for her mother to pass away before she could change it. She felt like her mother, Steve Livingston, wouldn't have been very happy about the change.

SIDENOTE: Sister Steve Livingston also had a noticeable mustache. It used to scare my son Nathan when he was younger.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Calling Dick Embry a jerk and calling Jerk Embry a dick.

Can you buy way your into the Kingdom of Heaven?

You can't buy your way into the kingdom of heaven. Unless, of course, your talking about the new theme park "Kingdom of Heaven" started by our own ward member, Kit Arteburger.

The Kingdom of Heaven is a new "spiritual themed" theme park. Get it? Spiritual is the theme of this theme park. Before you ride Noah's Ark (my favorite ride) you must first go to the barn and bring back two chickens or two pigs, or two of whatever animal you can gather in the barn. That'll teach you to disobey God's word! And the ride "Joseph Smith's Beard" isn't so much of a ride as it is a fun quiz game where you must root out fact from fiction and the subject is church history. Did Brigham Young have a third nipple? That's for you to decide when you visit "Joseph Smith's Beard".

Opens this Fall!

I'm dying to know

The cannery has called to let me know that someone in our ward left their car keys at the building. They were found after the last shift. They keys are described as having a skull and crossbones key ring, along with a rabbits foot, an owls foot, a vial of consecrated oil, a vial of sheep's blood and 7 separate keys. It looks like one of the keys is to a Toyota Corolla.

Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Please don't decide to not come forward and claim the keys just because you drive a Corolla. Lots of really neat people drive a Corolla. They are an affordable and parsimonious choice. Seriously. Please come get your keys. I'm dying to know who drives a Corolla. I promise I won't laugh. Out loud.

A restaurant for Mormons

My brother is making a new restaurant in Las Vegas just for Mormons. It's called "The International Ward House of Pancakes". I'll expect lots of whole grains, yum-yum.

Church Quiz - The Vice President

You know, we talk so much about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young being the presidents of the church, but we never talk about their vice presidents. Can you guess why?

a) Their vice presidents were minorities
b) No one thought to write their names down so we have no idea who they were
c) The church doesn't have vice presidents. Too worldly.

Church Court: The Musical

Charlie Tibble, the ward gay, is working on a new musical called Church Court: The Musical. It's a classic tale of love and betrayal and ultimately, redemption, and even more ultimately, delicate prancing (a reoccurring theme in all of Charlie's work). He expects to have the play finished in 2014 so stay tuned for that one.

What would it be like?

I like to think about what things would be like for Joseph Smith if he were alive today. I bet he'd be good friends with Peter Breinholt, Marvin Payne and Governor Huntsman. And do you think he'd get introduced like, "And now, the first prophet of the Mormon Church..." or "And now, at age 203, the oldest man on earth..."

I love modesty

One of the things I like most about Pippy Longstocking is her choice of modest clothing. For that same reason we would never read our children any of the stories of Jenny Thongston.

This Week's Fourth Least Popular Sin

Pretending you're Jewish just to get out of attending sacrament meeting.

This may come as a surprise

Here's something most people don't know about me:
I love the smell of solvents and magic markers.

New Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

Ward Historian - Brother Melden
Ward Poet - Brother Ford
Ward Economist - Sister McDougal
Ward Clerk - Brother Aldamont
Ward Hand Model - Sister Phillips
Ward Calling and Election Made Sure Verification Specialist - Brother and Sister Conling

Mr. Wiggles

Our ward dog, Mr. Wiggles, just won "Dog of the Stake" award. Be sure and give him a congratulatory scratch to his underside next time you see him.