Get to know your ward members: Kom Ulrich

 I’m sure you all remember when Kom Urlich was bishop, right before I was called. A wonderful man. Big heart. It’s big, because it’s a baboon heart. 

He had a heart attack when he was bishop, during Sacrament meeting, in fact. Rushed to the hospital and it was discovered his heart was falling him. 

Lucky for Kom, breakthroughs had been made in supplying a human with a baboon heart. Great for humans, not so great for baboons. 

The hospital received word that a baboon from the Idaho Falls Tautphaus Park Zoo, was about to die from a brain injury but his heart was in tip-top condition. It was a level 7 heart. Level seven was its classification on how good it was and if you know anything about baboon hearts, you know that a 7 is a really good heart. The only thing better than a level 7 is a level 8. Well, I guess a level 9, too. A level 9 is REALLY good. Oh man, I wish he would have gotten a level 9. That would have been awesome. 

But 7 is good. Seven is really good. You probably don’t know all that much about baboon hearts like I do, but let’s just say, if he could get that level 7 heart and if his body would accept it, he was going to be in preeeety good shape. Maybe even return to some of the activities he previously enjoyed: skiing, swimming for pleasure, lap swimming for exercise, splashing in the pool while not swimming, rock climbing, career climbing, skeet shooting, basketball, frisbee, golf, frisbee golf, mini golf, mini frisbee, speed reading, slow cooking, boondoggling, handball, racquetball, baseball. 

Well, sad news. He did not get that baboon heart. There was a mixup at the zoo and they sent the liver instead of the heart and by the time the mistake was discovered the heart was not savable. 

But good news, that baboon had a twin, and that twin was also dying of a brain disease (he got it a different way though) and his heart was in great condition, also a level seven!

But sad news. Another mixup. The people at the zoo had that baboon taxidermied, organs and all, so there goes that heart. 

But good news! Those two baboons weren’t actually twins, it turns out, they were actually triplets and there was a third baboon, also dying with a weird brain disease but a really solid heart. It was a level 7 diamond, which is better than a seven but not as good as an 8. 

No more mixups at the zoo (learned their lesson) and the heart took. That baboon heart is beating in Kom’s body right this second. 

It’s a baboon miracle. 

Dating advice from Brigham Young

Our ward historian, Brother Melden, has recently discovered an interesting historical document, and would like to share it with the ward. It is dating advice from the prophet Brigham Young, dated 1873. It is a privilege to see this before the rest of the world.

Brigham Young: Brethren, when courting a young lady, it is important to remember to let virtue garnish your thoughts unceasingly. And don't forget to bring her a carnation. If you can, give her father a mule upon arrival. Not necessarily every time, but the first time, and then about one month later. 

Always wear your best. Take her arm when walking down the street and make your intentions known from the very beginning. If she is to be your four or fifth wife, it is important for her to know this right from the start. Never bring any of your other wives on a date with a prospective wife.

Do not pet.

Properly choosing a prospective date can be subjective, but within the following constraints. A proper lady will be able to play the harpsichord and can recite many poems. If the poems have been learned from sailors, steer clear of this one. If she snorts at any time, that indicates a problem.

Often you will ask yourself, but what will I talk about? Ask her about herself. Ask her if she has any fond memories about crossing the plains. Ask her if her shoulder is to the wheel. (It's a metaphor. If her shoulder is actually on a wheel, that's worse than snorting). 

You may also want to ask her where she gets her petticoats. Then come and tell me. Some of my wives would like to find out where the best deal on petticoats can be had.

And always, always, always, remember to ask if she has any sisters.

Most Popular Sins - historical edition

This week's most popular sins are from 1890

1. Dilly-dallying
2. Exposing ankles in mixed company
3. Murder

Primary Birthday!

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week.

Can you guess who it is?

• This girl got a Barbie for Christmas
• She has three sisters and loves to share with two of them
• Can't pronounce her R's correctly, yet
• Favorite TV show: Dora the Explorer and Breaking Bad
• Favorite movies: Tangled and Reservoir Dogs
• Threw up last time she ate beets
• Won the spelling bee this year 
• Still wets the bed about once a week
• Is a beautiful singer
• Cried when her turtle died, even though they'd only had it for a couple weeks
• Loves visiting her grandmother in North Dakota
• Helped her mom can peaches this summer
• Holds grudges
• Wants to be a ride a trapeze at some point in her life

If you guessed Cody Ranzen, you weren't paying attention. It's a girl! If you guessed Linsay Copp, you're crazy. Lindsay hasn't been in our ward for, like, 6 years. But if you guessed Hailey Adler, you're right! Happy Birthday, Hailey.

A diary excerpt from Jonah

Dear diary,
You're never going to guess where I am. I mean, honestly, if I tell you, you are never going to believe this. I'll give you some clues. Because of where I am right now, I predict I'm going to be talked about for at least 50 years after my death. Also, it stinks in here. And, Geppetto, the father of Pinocchio is here, too. You're right! I'm inside the belly of a wale. How did you guess that?

Geppetto has been here a long time. He's put up shelves and keeps a few things there. He's said I can have the middle shelf, but honestly, I don't think I'm going to be here all that long. My plan is to pray for forgiveness and hopefully be barfed out. I'm not sure what's going to be worse. Barfed out, or coming out the other way. In any case, I've got to get out of here. I can hardly stand the smell, and just think, if email was already invented (it's not) I'd probably have like, 200 new messages when I got out of here. And imagine if Facebook was invented (it's not) my status update would probably say something like, "786 BC better be funner than 787 BC. Being in the belly of a whale sucks."

Our newest ward member

It was his mother that named him Gorb. She was going through a rough patch in her life and when asked about the name, that's really all she'll say. "I was going through a rough patch at the time. I couldn't think straight. I also bought a monkey and two parrots. I thought I needed company. Gorb's father left me and I thought I needed company. Now, though, I hate monkeys. You might think, oh, monkeys are so cute and furry and they don't need any attention and they like to wear tiny sweaters. Ya, well, let me tell you, that aint true. You're thinking of kittens."

And so, there you go. That might help you understand a little bit more about Gorb Thomposon, our newest ward member. Gorb tells me that he wears the eye patch in the same way many of you wear a hat. He says, "Have I lost my eye? No! Do people wear hats because they lost their head, or because they want to make a statement?" I asked Gorb what statement he was trying to make and he said, "Who said I was trying to make a statement?"

This is going to be fun. Also, let's remember that Jesus said love everyone. 

This week's primary birthday

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week. Can you guess who it is?

This girl got a new dress for Easter
She has three sisters and loves to share with them
Has a lisp
Will probably have to go to summer school
Her favorite tv show is CSI Miami
Sneezes when she goes out in the sun
Her favorite food is her grandmother's oatmeal (oh, come on!)
Wet her pants in school last year
Has a dog named Leonardo "whiskers" DiCaprio

If you guessed Ronnie Lawson, you're crazy. He's not a girl. But if you guessed Caroline Smitts, you're still crazy. She's 65 and in prison. But if you guessed Addison Rogers, you're right!

Get to know your ward members

Meet our newest member, Phillip Muert.
Brother Muert has spent most of his early life in Wyoming. He was born in Opal, Wyoming when the population was only 100 people. As a child, he liked day dreaming and watching women's wrestling, often at the same time. When brother Muert was 12 years old, his family moved from Opal to Pine Bluffs, then to Pine Haven, and finally by the time he was 16, they had settled in Pinedale.

After serving in the Navy, brother Muert attended Cheyene College where he received a B.A., cum laude, and was also given the award as "Most likely to sneeze during a live theater performance". He later received an M.A. from Cutler University, a place that was entirely made up by Phillip and named Cutler University because he felt it sounded prestigious.

It was at this point in his life when he did not invent the microwave oven. Someone else did.

In 1971 he received a Ph.D. from an actual university--Brigham Young University, where he first came in contact with the Mormons and was invited to be baptized. He was also elected to the Honor Society and began bowing and tipping his imaginary hat whenever a lady was present. After receiving a Ph.D. from BYU, Dr. Muert then began teaching at Snow College until he recently retired and moved to Provo. Upon arriving back in Provo after all these years, he remarked, "This is adequate. And has anyone seen my teeth?"

In addition to teaching, Brother Muert is involved in several activities. He enjoys collecting yarn and he is a member of several historical societies, and is currently the chairman of the Board of Trustees on the Historical Coal Miners Society of Utah. He also serves as the secretary of the Historical Society of Utah Historical Societies.

He has delivered a number of lectures on a variety of subjects, none of them very interesting. He is also an extraordinary pick-pocket.

Brother Muert and his wife JoAnne are the parents of 14 children.

Get to know your ward members - Artie Furb

The first thing you're going to want to know about me is that I'm a lover, not a farter. See, get what I just did there? What I really am is a joker. I love to joke and tease. Mild practical jokes are my specialty. One of these days when the cops show up at your house to tell you that your son is missing, it may be true, or it may be me, just playing a joke on you. You just never know. And that's why it's hilarious, and you've always got to be on your toes when you're around me.

I was born in 1940 in the back of a potato chip truck. Oh, wait. No, that's where I was concieved. I was born in the front seat of a station wagon on the way to the hospital. My dad didn't realize how far along my mother was in labor, and so he stopped off to get a malt at the malt shop in town. He still would have made it in time to get to the hospital, but he also applied for a job while he was there, was given a job on the spot, and started work right away. 30 minutes later, I was born.

My parents named me Chilton Van Hubbard. A name I always hated. So when I turned 18 I marched straight down to the court house and changed my name to Artie Furb. I realize now I made a terrible mistake. But at the time, I thought I had made the right decision. So many things in my life are that way, and I'm guessing it's the same for you. You think you should buy a Geo. You become an accountant. You call a bunch of lumberjacks "sissies". You think no one at work will find out about your cross dressing. You know what I'm talking about. On the one hand, there's no going back. On the other hand, it's these things that shape us and make us who we are. It's these things that we look back and laugh about. Except for that lumberjack thing. Those guys are still after me.

The Prophet Noah talks to his son

Thanks to our ward historian Verna Corber for passing along this ancient dialogue. Noah talks to his son on the second day of being on the arc.

Son: Dad, I was wondering if you could open the door and I could just go back outside for about 20 minutes.

Noah: Of course not! We're all sealed up and soon we'll be floating away. Honestly, boy, what is the matter with you?

Son: Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't 100% certain that it would actually rain. I mean, I  didn't mind helping with the arc because I thought it would be an awesome club-house if it didn't rain. And then we started getting all the animals, and I thought, holy smokes, my dad is really serious about this.

Noah: Of course I was serious about it. I'm serious about everything. I'm even serious about growing a beard.

Son: Yeah, nice beard.

Noah: Thank you son. I don't get told that very often.

Son: Well, I really do need to get out of the arc.

Noah: I already told you. The answer is no. We must stay in here until there is a sign from God. Why are you interested in leaving the arc?

Son: I want to run home and get a few extra sweaters.

Noah: Sweaters?

Son: Well, yeah. Like I said, I didn't really think we'd be going through with this so I didn't pack very much stuff, and it's a lot colder in this arc than I thought it would be. I had no idea it would be this cold.

Noah: Well the answer is still No. If I let you go for a sweater, your sister will want to get out and go get a jade bracelet or some decorative ribbons.

Son: Why would she need decorative ribbons on a boat?

Noah: That's not the point. The point is, if I let you get out, others will want to get out and the next thing you know some of those sinners will want to get on the boat and we won't have enough room for them and the plan will be out of whack and God will say, why doth you stray from the path in the name of three sweaters?

Son: I can see where you might think that. But on the other hand, he might say, Oh, look how Noah is so good at being adaptive in difficult situations as they arise.

Noah: I doubt he'd say that. You don't know him like I do and I can honestly tell you that it's highly unlikely he'd say that.

Son: Hmmm….Ok. But how long do you think we'll be in here?

Noah: I don't know, but if I was to guess, I'd say five days. Six days, tops.

This weeks's primary birthday

We have a birthday in primary this week! Can you guess which child it is?

He/she is going to be a comma for Halloween this year.
This person loves to eat cake with double the frosting
He/she has a pet ferret but his/her parents are worried it will die because this is his/her third one in less than a year.
This person's favorite place to visit is his/her grandparents in Palm Springs.
This person's least favorite place to visit is his/her other grandparents at the Golden Urn retirement center
He/she is already getting acne and she/he is only 11.
Limps to try and be funny (but it's not).
Loves to help his/her baby sister clean her room and cross the street and eat her candy if there's extra.
Favorite movie: Tangled.
Enjoys long walks on the beach. (At this age? Weird).
Refers to pants as slacks. (At this age? Weird).
Is weird.
Participates in every blood drive the ward has.
Loves to make pancakes and give her parents breakfast in bed.
When he/she grows up, wants to be a person "that works at a store".

If you guessed Ella Muggland, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Tyler Hamburgsly, you're right! Happy Birthday, Tyler!

Heaven's going to be awesome

One of the most spiritual websites on the internet (except LDS.org, this website, and all the websites that sell CTR rings) just posted my list of some of the ways that heaven is going to be awesome. Read them here - modernmormonmen.com/2011/10/heavens-going-to-be-awesome.html

Note: The list can be used in Sunday School lessons about heaven related topics, but probably not appropriate to rub it into people's faces that you know will never get to heaven because of all their wanton sinning.

Baby Blessing

Brother and Sister Cassbaugh blessed their brand new daughter Zooey at their home last Sunday evening. It was a wonderful experience. Since they blessed her at their home, instead of at church, we will print the blessing here.




......We bless you to never snort while laughing. We bless you with the ability to like spicy food. Just think of the advantage you have over those that say salt is as spicy as they can handle

We bless you to properly choose a mate. And paint colors for your first house.

We bless you to be a good speller. Especially on your blog. People will crucify you for poor spelling and will think that if you can't spell very well you must be from Richfield, Utah.

We bless you to not get any serious diseases with hilarious names, like, Rickets, or Restless Leg Syndrome.

We bless you to have Chinese friends. We bless you avoid getting an eagle tattoo. Wait. What am I saying? We bless you to not get any tattoos at all. But if you must get a tattoo, we bless you to get one that is classic and timeless, like a cypress tree, or a cresting wave.

We bless you to discern right from wrong as well as right from left. And by left, I'm talking about liberals. And by liberals, I'm talking about anyone that supports socialist government programs, like government insurance, and city libraries.

This might be a good time to tell you that your mother and I are already so very proud of you. The nurses told us you were the smartest one-day-old baby they have ever seen. And we expect that to be the way your whole life will be. We expect that you'll be so much better than almost everyone you come in contact with. But be humble about it. Learn about humility from your parents. We are so humble. Our neighbors are idiots, but do you think we say that to their face? No. We do not. We just take them fresh tomatoes (when in season) and offer to have our maid help them bring in their groceries. But do you think they do that for us? Never. They don't even have a maid. Or a gardener. And believe me, they could use one. Wait until you are a couple years old and you can see their back yard. If there was a blue ribbon at that county fair for the biggest, most robust weeds, our neighbors would win with flying colors. And don't even get me started on their oldest son, Brig.

Humility. We bless you with humility. And with great hair. Your mother has great hair and watching her fling her hair from side to side as she walks down the street is like watching an angel come down from heaven. And so we bless you with great hair.

We bless you with the desire to do genealogy. Because we don't want to do it, and someone in our family should.

We bless you with the strength to stand up for yourself. If someone says, hey lady, come over here and carry my bags for me, we bless you with the wherewithal to say, no, I haven't finished my salad yet, and plus, I don't want to break a nail. And then we bless you to somehow end up marrying that guy, because he's a world traveler and tans easily. And when he asked you to carry his bags, he mistook you for someone else. And when he finds out who you really are, you will both laugh, and say, it was all just a silly misunderstanding. Romance, begin.

We bless you to use Twitter as a missionary tool. So many people on Twitter just talk about sports or a burrito they just ate. We bless you to use Twitter to talk about how this world is going to hell in a hand-basket and that we need to all do a better job of following the ten commandments. They're commandments, not suggestions, people!

We bless you to always respect your elders. Good social graces and the manners they grew up with will never go out of style. Well, curtsying probably has. Also, "swooning" is a lot less common.

We also bless you to be our favorite daughter.

Amen.

Ward Sponsor

Perhaps you've seen it listed on our sidebar over there to the right, but I wanted to bring your full attention to the fact that we now have our first ward sponsor and we are just delighted. Our ward sponsor is a wonderful company called A Little Bit Cleaner Carpet Cleaning. What's neat about it, is that there's probably a commandment about having clean carpet. You can watch the promotional piece here.

Beets and beds, or, the reason I'm so gosh darn happy

I was invited to participate in a religion conference last week and, of course, I jumped at the chance to tell people about our way of thinking and how fun it is to go boating on Saturday instead of Sunday. You know, people think of the commandments in two ways. Either they think of them as a restriction to their lifestyle, or they think of them as a restriction that will ultimately lead to happiness. And I'm in that group.

The commandments lead to happiness. There's no denying that. Helping, giving, taking your old bed to the Deseret Industries so that someone else can enjoy what you now hate, is really the way to peaceful living.

My mother in Texas lives right next door to the most unhappy man I've ever met. Last time I was visiting my mother I took this fellow some beets from my mother's garden and I asked him if he has ever donated an old bed to a second hand store. He said no. I told him that's probably why he was so unhappy and I gave him the beets. Now I don't know if I made a difference in his life. But that's not the point. The point is, I am so much happier than him. And I'm not better than him. That's not the point, either. But I am better at being happy. And I am better at giving away beets. And beds.

It's like my mother always says. It's better to beet a man, than to beat a man.

Calendar of events

The June calendar of events is available and can be seen here.

One item has been left off. It's the ward french horn concert. It's been left off the calendar because no one in our ward plays the french horn.

Those things for which we are thankful

So often when we say our prayers and say what we are thankful for (teeth, moms, freedom) we forget some of the small things that are just as important. What I'd like to do is suggest some things that you can start incorporating in your daily prayers that you may have overlooked. You can thank me later.

• That tri-tip steaks are not made from Rhinoceros meat
• Circulation
• That someone else may have corns on their feet, but you don't
• Meatloaf (the meat, not that loaf, the singer)
• Stationery
• Bouillon cubes
• Lex De Azevedo
• That dot matrix printers are now only used at hotels in Mexico and not around here
• The laughter of a child
• That you don't have triplets
• Things that are fortified
• That Jimmer is a Mormon
• That you don't chew like a horse
• That the stain came out
• Plenty of parking whenever you go to Fillmore Utah
• Wink, wink (I think you know what I'm getting at, here)
• Soft rock
• Sunsets, or your wife's clavicle -- You choose
• Your properly formed ears 
• Vivint. (Just kidding about this one!)
• That someone else made this quilt

Pray on, brothers and sisters. And just as a reminder, do not direct your prayers to Mitt Romney. I think we've been over this before.

Lastest ward callings

Ward talent scout - Sister Carly Phelps
Jewish ambassador - Sister Julie Bachler
CTR ring re-sizer - Brother Kurt Wiest
Ward linen napkin folder (for our fancy parties) - Sister Sarah Dunster
Ward scape goat - still receiving revelation on this one
Ward calling caller - the Lord

Brother Royal Samuelson

Our faithful executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, is calling to see if he can bring by a casserole. You can hear the call on the Modern Mormon Men blog here.

And remember, if you need to make an appointment with the Bishop, you need to call brother Tom Davis, secretary to the executive secretary, who will make an appointment with you to see our executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will be able to schedule your appointment with me.

All things are done in wisdom and order.

This weeks's primary birthday

Our birthday boy or girl this week:

• Loves Ballet
• Enjoys taking the family dog, Digler, on walks
• Has on leg shorter than the other
• Has been to Hawaii twice
• Has never made his/her own bed without being asked
• Thinks farting is funny (it's not, though)
• Has memorized 14 scriptures from the Book of Mormon
• Is related to Boyd K. Packer
• Loves to play Angry Birds (duh, who doesn't)
• Wet his/her pants twice last month at school
• Is looking forward to growing a garden with the family this year.

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Arnie Vecks, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Sharley Taylor, you're right! Happy Birthday, Sharley.

Least popular Mother's Day gifts

• Ball-peen hammer
• One gallon drum of sea salt
• Track jacket that you just got from the hall closet
• Jergens hand lotion
• Coupon book of 10 free hugs. Oh wait. Those are sort of popular.
• Chinese/English dictionary
• Baby chickens. (That's Easter, silly)
• French horn
• Coupon for 50% off your next Haitian child adoption
• Paxil
• 1984 Ford Festiva

New Ward Sponsor

Our newest sponsor:

My eyes are wet. My heart is full. My pants are dry. Testimony brand adult diapers. These diapers are true.

New service at Deseret Industries

The Deseret Industries will now be offering lightly used food that still has plenty of use. I haven't been there myself, yet, but brother Billington reports that a sandwich he got there was delicious "all except the mayonnaise".

Oxen Auction

Brothers and sisters, get your shoulders out. It's time to put them to the wheel. That's right, it's almost time for our annual pioneer trek. And just as we've done in the past, this year you will once again be required to supply your own oxen.

It has been difficult in the past for many of you to secure the oxen, but I have recently discovered an outfit in Wyoming that has an oxen auction every month. The fellow I spoke with said that if he gets enough business, he'd be willing to have the oxen auction more often.

Pioneer hand-cart treks. Hooray!

This week's birthday in primary

Guess who! This week, the child in our primary that has a birthday:

• Loves princess movies 
• Loves to play jacks 
• Has 10 out of the 13 articles of faith memorized 
• Has buck teeth 
• Wants a pony for her birthday and also a real sword 
• Wet the bed until she was 6 years old 
• Can play 8 songs on the piano 
• Favorite American Idol of all time is Brooke White 
• Laughs uncontrollably whenever she hears someone talk about an anal fissure 

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Jerry Tillbaum, you are so wrong. He's not even in primary. But if you guessed Kasey Henderman, you're right! Happy birthday, Kasey!

General Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams

Ask the Sunbeams 

Question: What was your favorite part of conference?
Hannah Givens: I can touch my eyeball!

Question: What did President Monson talk about?
Emmy Thompson: Guess what. Did you know chickens can't fart?

Question: Did you hear anyone talk about ways to be more like Jesus?
Adam Westing: This one time, I heard my mom and dad argue about how come my dad always came home late and how come he got off work at 6 but didn't come home until 8 sometimes and another time they weren't arguing at all but their door was locked and they kept telling me to leave them alone.

...And I'm thankful for Mormon blogs...

We often hear in conference about how the media is so full of filth, that video games are rotting our brain, that Jennifer Anniston really wants a baby, and it makes you wonder, where can I turn for constant content that is both uplifting, and thought provoking?

Well, our prayers have been answered. No, Lex De Azevedo didn't start a blog. But some other nice young men have. Mormon men. Modern Mormon Men. And they call their blog "What would Lex De Azevedo Say?" Just kidding. They call it Modern Mormon Men.

There's a warm feeling in my bosom about this.
www.modernmormonmen.com

Scout Camp Physical

Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, makes phone calls for the bishop.

8th most popular sin this week

Telling that pretty girl in your class with the spider tattoo on her ankle that when she plays her guitar and sings Colbie Caillat songs, it gives you an eargasm.

The Golden Urn Retirement Center

As you may know, since our ward boundaries have recently changed, the Golden Urn Retirement Center is now part of our ward family. Which means we'll be helping them out with their annual yard sale this year.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I've been before to their yard sale before, and it seems like all there is for sale are crutches and glass figurines. A fellow can only buy so many tiny glass elephants. Still, we help. We give. And in the end, the smell will eventually come out of our clothes.

What would Jesus do?

We are taught to ask, what would Jesus do, on occasions when we are stumped about the right choice in any given situation. It's a very good question. Yet, it's also important to ask, how much would Jesus tip, and then this question: if leprosy was more rampant in our society, do you think that anyone on Celebrity Apprentice would have it?

This month's service project

I just wanted to remind all the parents of the youth in our ward that this month's service project will be to trim the ear hair off some of the shut-ins. We'll meet at the church at 5pm instead of 7pm on account of their early bed times.

New Calling: Ward Listener

So many times in our lives we get to thinking about how we can make life better for our wife, so we'll buy her a new blouse, or we'll bring home a transient for dinner to show her we have a compassionate side. But so often, all they need is to have someone to talk to. And I mean someone besides their therapist or their yoga instructor or the girl that comes to the door to sell magazines for the high school band.

And that's why we've called brother Melvin Fardley as ward listener. He just got his hearing aid replaced and has assured me that his hearing problems are a thing of the past.

Give him a call. The volume knob on his hearing aid goes to eleven.

Ask the Bishop

Question: Bishop, how do you get over your addictions?

Answer: Do you mean my love of boating and my insatiable appetite for spending time with my family? I embrace it, but I don't covet bigger boats. You can really get in the trap of looking at what others have and saying to yourself, I could really be happy with those bigger boats. But you just can't let yourself think that way. You just have to be happy with what you've got. Bigger boats are not always the answer. Sometime you'll be at the lake and say, man, those girls over there on that dock have got some really big boats. But sometimes it's important to remember that they probably had someone else pay for those boats and didn't buy them on their own.

And prayer. Prayer is the answer to so many things. But do you know what it's not the answer to? It's not the answer to this question--How much Cayenne should I put in my chili? The answer to that question is 2 teaspoons.

Get to know your ward members

Garvin Hebler has just moved in the ward. He is very difficult to be around, but that's no reason we should not love him any less than we love any of our other ward members, like, say, sister Kerby or that lady that always wears purple. I wish I could remember her name. I think it rhymes with "Cornish".

I called brother Hebler and asked him to introduce himself to the ward and tell us a little bit about himself. Here is brother Hebler's response.

Arrrrrrrr! Why don't you leave me alone. I just cooked up a plate of hot spam and I don't want to be bothered. Ok. If you must know something about me, I was the one that came up with the phrase "In God we trust. All others pay cash". Now quit calling me. That's it. I'm getting caller ID.
Welcome to the ward, brother Hebler, you crazy old son of a gun.

If there's anything that makes me want to be Bishop again, it's this

Here's a comment I recently received:

As a currently serving stake president I must say that I am completely disgusted at the content of this blog.

Here's what I wrote back:

To the person serving as Stake President that is disgusted at the content of the blog, all I have to say is thank you for your kind words of encouragement. So many of the comments we get are mostly about how great this blog is and how the spirits of the saints have been lifted by reading this.

Many faithful have come here as a refuge from the world of garbage and trash, like that show on TV with Snooki. Then, they leave a comment and mention how this blog has helped them become a better person. In fact, one person, after reading this blog, decided to adopt a chinese baby instead of her previous plan of just getting a dog. (It was going to be a Yorkshire Terrier).

Your comment has given me the inspiration to want to continue the blog and do something about the disgusting content. You will be happy to know that I've already removed 3 out of the 10 pictures showing cleavage on this site! I will ask our own Stake President, President Martin (he's very tall and I like many of his suits) if he will make me Bishop again. I doubt he will. But it doesn't hurt to ask. Thank you for reading. Just like Jesus, we appreciate every person.

Also, Stake President, thanks so much for letting me know you are a Stake President. I'm so impressed! If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought you were only a cub master. Bless you.

If there's anything that makes me want to be called as Bishop again, it's that fellow's encouraging words.

Ask The Bishop

Question: In my high school, there is a kid that is my same age and he refers to girls as "gals". As in, "she's a neat gal". My question is, is it ok to hit this kid in the face?

Answer: In this case, yes. Yes it is.

Put your prosthetic shoulder to the wheel

I sure appreciate the hard work of Morgan Bailliette in our ward. Always asking what he can do to help. Always doing more. Always going the extra mile. Always walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Never counting his chickens before they hatch.

And all this with a prosthetic shoulder.

Whether you have two good shoulders or one, whether you have one really good shoulder and one that gives out from time to time, or even if you were born without shoulders, we could all be a little bit more like brother Bailliette.

Abraham and his buddy, Buddy

Let us now join the conversation, as the Old Testament prophet Abraham is talking to one of his buddies, a fellow name Buddy, 20 years after God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. we begin with Buddy.

Buddy:...and I had a prompting that I should take an 8th wife. It was weird because I thought 7 wives was plenty, but there was this prompting. So that's why I married Candy.

Abraham: Oh, you think that's weird? You think taking one more wife is weird?

Buddy: I just thought it seemed strange, yeah. Because I already have 7 wives. Plus, I'm getting really old. I don't need any more kids. How will I pay all their tuition?

Abraham: If you think that's weird, have I got a story for you.

Buddy: I know. You once found a sandwich in your beard. You've told me this before.

Abraham: That was nothing. Get this. Once, about 20 years ago, God asked me to sacrifice my son Isaac.

Buddy: What do you mean, sacrifice him?

Abraham: Kill him.

Buddy: Waaaaaa?

Abraham: I know, weird, right. He asked me to take knife and kill my own son.

Buddy: Well, Isaac is still alive. Why didn't you do it?

Abraham: I was going to. I mean, I was planning on it. I had him tied down and everything and then just at the last minute, God stayed my hand.

Buddy: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that God asked you to kill your son and you were going to, but in the end, it was just a joke?

Abraham: Not a joke, Buddy. A test.

Buddy: A test?

Abraham: Right. A test. If it was a joke, he would have let me go through with it and then he would have said, ha ha, you just killed your son. But this was a test. Just to see if I would go through with it.

Buddy: But God knows all our thoughts. He already would have known you'd go through with it.

Abraham: But he wanted me to know that I knew he knew I'd go through with it.

Buddy: Listen, that's messed up.

Abraham: Tell me about it.

Ask the Bishop

Question: If Jesus came down to earth today and the first three people he saw were a Mormon with great teeth, a Jewish lady with a mustache, and a Lutheran with chicken pox, who would he hug first?

Answer: That is a great question. It reminds me of the time I had chicken pox in the third grade. I had to stay home from school and it was right when my class was going on a field trip to a dairy farm to find out how milk is pasteurized. Imagine my great disappointment. I heard later that everyone that wanted got to drink milk right straight from the cow's teat. What a treat. A teat treat.

And that's why we should always immunize our children. Thanks for the question.

I believe Wednesday has special powers

Saturday is a special day, but Wednesday's not to shabby either.

Listen, just because there isn't a song about Wednesday doesn't mean it's not as special as Saturday, and maybe even more special.

For the record, I never call Wednesday "Hump Day". I believe married couples can be intimate on any day of the week.

I'm a giver. I love to give.

So many times in our lives, we're asked at parties and on surveys, what are those things in which we excel. What are we good at. And we always put down down things like water-skiing, playing the organ, getting pencils really sharp without breaking the lead, and the like. Those things we always put down without fail. Acquired skills.

But here's something I'm good at, naturally. I'm a giver. I love to give. I'm so much like Jesus in that way that sometimes it makes me laugh. Just the other day I was riding in the car with my family (we were going to Trafalga Fun Center) and I just started laughing. To them I started laughing for no reason at all. In fact, to my wife, I was being insensitive, because apparently she was trying to tell all of us about some person she knows that has cancer or asthma or something. So I started laughing out loud, but it was only because I was realizing how much I am like Jesus, on account of how much I love to give.

What about you. At which skills do you excel?

Stadium of actual fire

I wish BYU would have an event in the winter called "Stadium of Actual Fire" where you could go hear Glen Beck speak, but since it's in the middle of winter, there would be giant bonfire. We could all gather round and talk about what makes Provo so special and the fire would keep us warm. But there would also be the fire in our hearts. So "Stadium of Actual Fire" would be a metaphor for so many things. Love, warmth, burning in the bosom....

Ward Update

Well, things are moving along pretty good in the ward right now. Thanks for asking. Not so many funerals, the sisters are busy passing along casserole recipes with each other, and our Tithing Elite program is as popular as ever.

There is one thing that concerns me, however, and that is that I don't think we, as a ward, do enough medium volume laughter. We do lots of quiet laughter (chuckles are included here), and we know we aren't supposed to be engaged in loud laughter, but that leaves medium laughter wide open. This would be when something is funny, but not hilarious, and not something dumb but you feel obligated to laugh at anyway.

May we all watch more Brian Regan stand-up. That ought to do the trick.

This Week's 3rd Most Popular Sin

Mispronouncing "cow teat" on purpose.

Get to know your ward members

Charles Choosey had it easy when he was growing up. His legs didn't work very well, so he got pushed around in a chair with wheels. Everywhere he went, someone pushed him. Later, they also gave him the best parking spots in the lot. But Charles Choosey wasn't satisfied. He wanted something more from life. He asked God for a miracle. That miracle never came. Instead, he began working at the Deseret Industries. He had a very specific job. He was to cull all the books and sort out all the copies that came in titled the Celestine Prophesy, keep two or three for the shelves, and then throw all the other thousands of editions into the wood chipper.

That's when the miracle came. The more items Brother Choosey threw into the wood chipper, the stronger his legs became. Within three weeks, Brother Choosey could walk for the first time in his life.

With such an able body, the people at the Deseret Industries no longer felt the need to employ him. He was asked to leave and to take his big, strong arms with him.

Brother Choosey was angry. He had a chip on his shoulder for many years. He also had a mole on the other shoulder for even longer than that. Turns out, it was a cancerous mole, and that's probably what will eventually do him in. In the mean time, it's good for all of you to know why Brother Choosey is so cranky all the time. But we love him and his cancerous mole. We love him and his weak-legged past. Love. That's what Jesus would do. So that's what we do.

And as a hilarious joke, for Christmas, I gave him a brand new copy of the book The Celestine Prophesy.

Glee

I wish Glee was on Monday nights. It's the perfect family home evening.

Glee - Don't Stop Believe
Uploaded by Bugabookas. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

New Year's Resolutions

My New Year's Resolutions for 2010

• Keep obeying the word of wisdom like crazy
• Increase my amount of family time by 15%
• Increase the amount of times I use percentages by 10%
• Visit the sick and the needy, but mostly the sick. The needy expect it way more.
• Try to get Charlie Tibbles, the ward gay, to quit being gay. If he won't do that, at least see if he'll direct another road show for us.
• Earn another Eagle Scout award, even though I'm technically too old.
• Read the scriptures every day (duh).
• Take time to smell the Roses. Brother and Sister Rose said that when they are close to dying (and they said it should be within the next couple months) I'll be able to tell because they'll give off a specific odor.
• Invite Billy Bob Thorton over for dinner and ask him if he'll quit swearing so much in his movies.

What are some of your resolutions?

Where I've Been

I have been locked in a basement with very little water and only beets and spam to eat. I was forced to look at pictures of youthful people playing games of chance. I have now been released and plan to go right back to being bishop. First, I need to go to McDonalds, because I heard the McRib is back.

This week's 49th least popular sin

Setting up a website where people can vote on which one of your friends most resembles a gargoyle

All Things To Be Done In Order

If you'd like to make an appointment with the bishop, you need to see Tom Davis, who is the secretary for the executive secretary. He'll make an appointment for you to see the executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will then schedule your bishop's appointment.

Mr. Wiggles has swine flu

Our ward dog, Mr. Wiggles, has swine flu. Do not let him lick you for at least two weeks. On a related note, do not let Mr. Chetlum lick you either. But really, I'm guessing you already knew that.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, my grandpa is always getting after me for wearing a hat inside the house and for not wearing a suit whenever I go to a play or some kind of cultural event. I say he's just old fashioned and living in the past and that times have changed and that's why, when you buy blue jeans now, they have the rips already in them. They didn't do that back in horse and buggy days. Take that, grandpa. Anyway, Bishop, what do you say about wearing a hat in the house?

Answer: I'd say you are quite a rude person, talking to your grandfather that way. Rude. If there's one thing I know about heaven, it's that there won't be any rude people there. And there certainly won't be any hat wearing. Does that answer your question?

A dream I had

Last night I had a dream that my son Nathon kidnapped and then forced Lex De Azevedo to watch the Beyonce video Single Ladies (put a ring on it). In the dream, Lex De Azevedo had a heart attack. All I can say is that I'm glad it was just a dream.

Help the ward

One thing you might not know about Marvin Cooley (he's way too modest to tell you) is that he once went to prison for 13 years because of credit card fraud. One thing you probably do know about him is that he is so insecure about his weight. So why don't all of you go up to him this week if you get a chance and let him know that you know at least two or three people that are way fatter than him. That bit of good cheer will really go a long way, I'm sure.

You must be kidding me

Can you believe it's already been one year since our ward had this great idea? You must be kidding me.

It was just a rumor afterall

I had heard a rumor that Ryan Seacrest would be hosting General Conference this year in an effort to get the young kids and non-members to pay attention. Well, as you know by now, that was just a rumor. I really had my hopes up.

Education week

Education week at BYU was a couple months ago, and, wow. That's all I can say. Wow. The learning, the spirit. I think that heaven is going to be a lot like education week, only with smaller lines at the cafeteria.

Guest Post - Nathan Higgins (the Bishop's son)

Are you like me? Do you love to serve your fellow men and even more so, your fellow women? I love to serve my fellow women. I like to mow their lawns, help them apply for college grants, and give them advice on which bonds to invest their money. In fact, serving my fellow women is one of the things I do best. I'm also good at holding on to the iron road and scripture memorization. I haven't always been like this. When I was four years old, my mother tells me I only had six scriptures memorized and one of them wasn't even a scripture. It was "be kind, rewind" which I only assumed was a scripture because it was about being kind.

Peace.

Just for the little kiddies

We've been having more discussions about holding a kiddie sacrament meeting. This would be a meeting just for those ages 6 and under. We'd call a kiddie bishop and everything. No one would allowed in kiddie sacrament meeting that was over the age of 6, so frankly, it would turn into a free-for-all. That's our only hang up right now. How to establish order amongst the little ones, without actually having to be there. Imagine how much more spiritual our own meeting will be without the Tepworth twins constantly running up in the choir seats, calling out, "I will only go pee if someone holds my hand!"

General update

Well, it's been a fairly slow week in the ward this week. Violet Ranchin came in complaining about her ward calling again, but honestly, she comes in every week. I only mention it because she's not keeping it a secret from anyone. In fact, I noticed she's passed out fliers around the neighborhood listing her top five complaints about the ward, and then at the bottom of the flier, a poem from John Keats about death.

We never knew thee

Colby Matheson has come just published the third volume of pioneer history. This one deals with a topic that's rarely mentioned. Barn dancing. It's called, "Pioneer Barn Dancing: We never knew thee". In bookstores now.

How I Love Provo

I was thinking this morning about how much I love Provo and in fact, I've come up with some slogans. Which is your favorite?

Provo, Utah! Radiant. Clean. Asleep by 10:30.

or

Provo, Utah! Spreading homogeneity since 1902.

or

Provo, Utah! If unicorns were real, this is where they'd live.

or

Provo, Utah! Diversity can kiss our bums.

or

Provo, Utah! Some of us enjoy boating.

New Ward Callings

Ward Doubter - Susy Balaz
Ward Bee-keeper - Bea Voight
Ward Book-keeper - Roger McBinder
Ward Massage Therapist specifically for our ward humpbacks - Dorothy Callup
Ward Blister Popper - Vic Gourlen

Heaven's going to be awesome

One thing that's going to be so great about heaven is that 80 - 90% of the radio stations will play soft-rock and Zig Ziggler. It's going to be awesome.

Ask the Bishop

Question: My wife and I can't decide if we should get a Prius. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer: Not about that. But I do have a great suggestion. Have you ever tried ground beef sprinkled over the top of tator-tots? Throw on a little grated cheese and sour cream? Now that's something you and your wife should try. Both delicious, and easy to make. Take that, shepherd's pie.

The muck and mire and the possibility of fabulous hair

So often in life we get bogged down in the various bogs and muck and mire of everyday living. And by bogs, I mean sins. And by muck, I mean a lack of faith. And by mire, I mean bogs.

Which is why I'm so happy that Sister Flambertson has created a new product she's calling Restitution Shampoo and Conditioner. And while it won't actually get rid of any of your sins, at least you'll great hair. Because there's nothing worse than low self esteem because of all your sins, and then to top it off, you also have ridiculous hair.

Twenty Third Most Popular Sin This Week

Lusting after the girl at the DMV with the low cut shirt reading the book "Miracle of Forgiveness" and trying to imagine what sin she committed to warrant her reading the book.

Favorite Scripture Story

I love that story in the scriptures when Jonah is swallowed by a whale and when he's in the belly of the whale, he sees Pinocchio in there too and promises him that if they get out alive, he will help him find Geppetto in Ninevah.

Favorite Scripture

Oh, I was just thinking of that great scripture story--I don't know where it is, but it's that one about Damon and Pythias. Pythias had committed a crime. He probably stole a fancy robe or a lute. As punishment, he is sentenced to death. (Yikes!) But before that, he asks the king (or whoever) if he could just run home and make sure the oven is turned off. Right then, you know, if that king says yes, he is an idiot because they didn't even have ovens back then. But the king says yes, as long as Damon will stay in his place. This is when you get the suspicion that the king might be gay, because he says that for most of that time, he'd like Damon to sit on his lap. So when Pythias never returns it doesn't matter because by that time, the King and Damon have been getting along so well. In fact, they decide to open a shop for the peasant people and serve them low cost meals of duck and hard to find cheese.

And from that we learn that you never know who will be your friend, so don't judge people based on status. Judge them on other things, but not status.

Favorite Scripture

I don't remember what scripture it is, or where it's found, but I love the one about the itsy-bitsy spider that goes up the water spout and then the rain comes down which he realizes is symbolizing his need to repent of his smoking.

Well, now who will milk the cows?

What the youth of the ward don't seem to understand is that we got those milk cows just for them. Remember how we all said that if we got some cows we could teach the youth the value of hard work, then the McCallister boys would quit back-talking in Sunday school and that the Nebeker girl might see the value in showering more often? That's what we all discussed and our plan was a good one. And now those bloated cows are getting sick and those darn youth, with their texting and their fashionable slacks say they don't have time to milk cows. They say milking cows is old fashion and that it isn't fun and that it stinks and that someone stole the stool so how are they supposed to sit down? So many complaints.

So should we go to plan b? Breeding minks?

Provident Living

Kathy Barkin is conducting a seminar this week that's perfect for the times in which we live. It's called "Secrete Your Way To Provident Living". She will teach you how to make candles from ear wax. That'll really help you and I cut down on our candle budget.

Ward Update

We had another Kidney Drive this last week and kept the same theme as last year: A Kidney For Everyone. We had the youth of the ward visit all the able bodied members of the ward to see if they had a kidney they were willing to give up. 13 members of the ward were willing to donate kidneys and we appreciate your willingness to help others.

Speaking of helping others, I sure do put in a lot of hours serving the ward and normally I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm realizing that no one else will (except sister Elizabeth Cardoon every time she gives her testimony and honestly, it's starting to freak me out) so that's why I've decided to every once in a while just mention a few things I've done to help, that would otherwise go unnoticed. For example, after we handed out the packets of seeds to all the mothers on mother's day, I took the remaining seeds to all the shut-ins that live in our ward that have never had the pleasure of baring children. I included a sweet note that said, "I hope that by planting these seeds and seeing them grow, that it won't remind you of your own barren womb. Instead, I hope they smell good and you'll get to use one of the senses God has given you."

That's just one of the nice things I did this week, out of so many.

Ask The Bishop

Question: How can something that feels so good be so wrong?

Answer: Well, I'll need you to be more specific, but if you're talking about wearing Sansabelt Slacks, there's nothing wrong at all. In fact, I'm wearing a pair right now.

New Callings This Week

Ward Fireman - Cal Nesbit
Ward Steward - Stewart Ward
Ward Costume Designer - Ben Noland
Ward Ear Nose and Throat Specialist - Mel Selcho
Ward Scape Goat - Trevor Kennard

Get To Know Your Ward Members

In his own words, today's profile comes from Norman Wagler.

Growing up with one leg shorter than the other wouldn’t have been so bad, but I also had a hook for a hand. So many people thought I limped because the hook was so heavy. They had no idea that at age ten, bone was removed from my left leg, just below the knee. That’s why one leg was shorter than the other. Not because I was born that way. I wasn’t. I was born with both legs the same length and I used to be able to wear pants right off the rack with no need for alterations. Then the hook hand. That’s a whole other story. Don’t get me started on the hook hand. But can you believe I met and married a girl that also has a hook hand. And a baboon heart. Boy, are we a pair. A match made in heaven. A match made in heaven and in the hospital. We’ve got so many health problems we may as well live in a glass room at the hospital where doctors can probe and observe us all day. (Obviously, there would be a curtain we’d pull during certain intimate times between the two of us. I probably shouldn’t say this--no I won’t say it. Well ok. I’ll tell you. She loves sex.)

Her name is Martha. Lovely, isn’t it. Admit it. When you hear the name Martha, you don’t just assume that’s a person with a hook hand. I mean, if you got a call from your office partner and he said, “Guess what. I’m going on a date with a girl named Martha.” I’ll bet you don’t think, “Martha, huh. Try not to get your fancy shirt snagged on the hook.” Your first thought is probably something like, flowers or baked apple pie or a sunset on a beach that doesn’t smell like rotting fish. That’s Martha.

We met at a support group for people with prosthesis. I didn’t notice her at first because I was watching another girl demonstrate how quickly she could remove her prosthetic foot, use it to hit a whiffle ball in the air, then re-attach the foot and catch the whiffle ball in her mouth before it hit the ground. Impressive, to be sure. But the foot’s titanium and that has a lot to do with it. I didn’t notice Martha until I had attended the support group two more times.

Martha and I have been married for 17 years now. We don’t appreciate the stares we get when we walk down the street, hook in hook. But what can you do? You just deal with the cards you were dealt. Martha limps too, now. A condition that the doctors are calling a sympathy limp. I think it’s sweet. I think it’s a sign of her love and devotion for me. It’ll be nice when we both get to heaven and our bodies will be restored to their perfect state. And I’ll say to that other girl, let’s see you hit a whiffle ball now, hot-shot.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Have you ever done anything that would cause your parents to hang their head in shame?

Answer: Yes. And I'm sorry about what I did. I put extra pepper on my father's soup, knowing it would make him sneeze. And sneeze he did. He sneezed so hard his glasses fell in the soup. I had to go to bed without any supper and from that point on we were not allowed to have pepper in the house. I felt ashamed. To make up for it, I bought him something I thought he would enjoy. A cowboy hat. He did enjoy it, until he found out I had just used his money to buy him the hat. That's when we were no longer allowed to buy or wear hats or use each other's money. I really felt bad about that, so I decided to get up real early one morning and milk some cows. I had always heard farmers talking about how that would really teach a boy a lesson in hard work and responsibility. Get him up early and make him milk cows, they always said. So that's what I did. Afterward, I brought home the milk, thinking that my dad would be so proud of what I had done, but as it turns out, it was Sunday, and he was mad that I worked on Sunday. So from then on, we weren't allowing to drink milk. Now, what's the question you asked? How I get my calcium then? Oh, I take supplements. Thanks for asking. Good question.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, how come we can't play the drums in the chapel?

Answer: You can. If you don't mind settling for the telestial kingdom when you die.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, you know how people say "you can't take it with you"? What all does that include?

Answer: Mostly iPods, shoes, and decorative soaps. And everything else except your soul.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, why aren't there very many famous Mormon ventriloquists?

Answer: If you were going to ask me, why aren't there any famous Mormon strippers, I would have a really good answer for you. But ventriloquists? You got me there. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because that person might feel some guilt about where he has to place his hand in order for that puppet to perform.

Making your house a home

Tips on making your house a home.

1 - Give it a name. Something like, Gardeners Delight, or Walnut Villa. Believe me, that's going to go a long way to making your house a home. That suggestion right there could be good enough, but I've got more.

2 - In addition to your standard rooms-kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, family room--make certain you also have the following rooms: Conservatory, mud room, guest room, maid's quarters, music room.

3 - Never refer to anyone in the home as "wing-nut".

4 - Hang up pictures of a spiritual nature. Or of nature. Waterfalls can really do the trick, here.

5 - Hang up pictures of your children engaged in special projects, like the pine-wood derby, or making those little knit hats for starving kids somewhere.

6 - Never use a Hibatchi inside the home.

7 - Use Pledge regularly on all wooden surfaces.

8 - Sing the hymns often. Not just at home, but also in the car, or in the presence of non-members, particularly if they are smoking, or using crude language.

9 - Show kindness to each other. Instigate a system where once a week, someone gets a ballon.

10 - Take down the sign on your front door the previous owners put up that reads "Satan Welcome Here".

Ask the Bishop

This week’s member question-

Bishop, what are some of the challenges you face as bishop, that I don’t have to face?

Now that’s a good question. I was going to say, going up a lot of stairs, but then you added “as bishop” so I was going to say “avoiding loud-laughter” and then you added “that I don’t have to face” so then I just sat there for a minute to make sure you weren’t going to add anything else, like “because I’m actually Jewish” or something like that. Good question, though. What do I face as bishop that you don’t have to face. Let’s see, there’s the constant nagging from Marlin Blatter about when I’m going to call him as the Elder’s Quorum President. You don’t have to deal with that. Let’s see, there’s the late night phone calls from Sister Cavenaugh, wondering if someone came to feed the cats. (She doesn’t have any cats). But I’d say the biggest challenge of all is balancing my time between my calling, my job, my hobbies, my family, my side-businesses, my writing, keeping up on this blog, my music, my lectures, my civic duties, my volunteer work down at the V.A hospital, my seat on the board of directors (three companies, really), my appearances at youth camps during the summer, and my Mormon Elvis impersonations. I’d say that’s probably my biggest challenge. Oh, and trying not to attract the wrong kind of attention when I wear those tight slacks my wife likes so much.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Telling a girl you're trying to impress that you have your own shark tank and taking her to Sea World and then getting there early and covering up the Sea-World sign with one of your own that says, "Nathan's super awesome shark that he bought with his own money".

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Today's profile is actually chapter 7 in Mickey Dulvont's biography called "There's No Dead Guys In Heaven". Please enjoy.


I used to spending the summer at Grandpa’s house. He wasn’t my real grandpa, but he was older than Pops and had a limp like so many other grandpas. Pops is my mom. Her real name is Penelope. I don’t remember where the name Pops came from but I’ve been calling her that since I was just a kid.

Summer at grandpa’s house was usually spent outside. Chasing frogs, climbing trees, and making mud huts, then decorating them with rugs and fancy lamps, and finding homeless people to occupy them. I guess that’s where my interest in charity work came from. Pops used to always tell me, "you’re a good kid and I sure wish you were mine". I was adopted and Pops used to bring that up a lot. She felt like there must have been some sin she was guilty of that kept her from being able to get pregnant. She used to list off some of the most serious sins she’d committed and ask which one we thought might be keeping her from having a child of her own.

One summer, just about a week before I was going to leave grandpa’s house and go back home, I met a girl named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I asked her why she had so many names and she asked me why I had so many freckles and I asked her why I’d never seen her before and she asked me if I’d ever seen a real dead person. I paused for a minute because I wondered if she was about to tell me where a dead person was. Then I said, “Really, why do you have so many names?” Funny thing, I don’t even remember what she said, but I do remember it had something to do with a Queen or gardening or something like that. Then, she took me over to the quarry and showed me a dead person.

Then next summer when I went back to Grandpa’s house I asked if he knew anyone named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. And he asked me if I’d ever seen a dead person. I told him about the quarry and that seemed to jar his memory because he then said, “Oh, that Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. You bet I know her. She just ran for mayor”. You better believe that came as quite a shock to me because when I had met her the summer before, I had assumed she was about my same age--14 years old. As it turns out, she had a disease that made her look really young. Much younger than her actual age. Turns out, she was 42. I told grandpa about how Eleanore Rose and I had kissed down by the quarry. He told me that he had also done the same. I threw up on my shoes. Not because of what grandpa said, but because of a really gross pickle I had just eaten.

For the rest of the week I tried to find Eleanore Rose, but didn’t have any luck. I later heard she died about that same time, and I never got to see her again.

I’ve never married, see, and that’s because my one true love was Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I believe that when I get to the celestial kingdom, we’ll run into each other. I’ll ask why she had to leave me and she’ll ask me why my knuckles are so nobby. I’ll ask her what the food is like in heaven and she’ll ask me if I want to go see a dead guy. Then we’ll both laugh real loud and long, because there’s no such thing as a dead guy in heaven.

Conference re-cap

Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams.

Question - What was your favorite part of conference?

Noah Tillen: How come I can't have a hampster?

Question - What did President Monson talk about?

Ellie Vorlet: I just swallowed a lego!

Question - Did you hear anyone talk about how to be more like Jesus?

Nye Horner: This one time, my cousins came to see us, and they live in St. George, so it takes them a long time to get here, so when they got here the first thing they needed to do was go the bathroom, but I was really excited to see them because we only get to see them about three times a year and my dad said that their dad didn't come because he doesn't like to ride long rides in the car but then my cousin said their dad didn't come because just before they were going to leave he got in a big argument with their mom and then he said, fine you wear the pants in the family and he took off his pants in the driveway and then went inside and my cousins have blond hair just like me.

Ward Update

Pretty good week so far, without too many funerals or spiritual slaps on the spiritual wrist. I drove around last night, getting some of the ward members to get their talents from under their bushel. I've said this before, but Sister McLewin has a really nice bushel, and she shouldn't be hiding anything under there.

We got a call from Sister McCallister earlier this week and some members of the Elder's Quorum went over there to help her move. As you know, she weights 400 pounds and she needed some help moving from the kitchen to the living room. They got that taken care of and if anyone knows of a good chiropractor, then be sure and let me know. (Someone other than Doctor Wells Kiplinger. No one can stand the smell in there).

This week the youth will be making minature scale models of handcarts. Then next week they'll be making minature people to pull those handcarts. Not too minauture, though. There's got to be room for the blisters! (Always teaching. Always teaching)

Bless you all.

Can't Carole Mikita speak in conference

We've all grown to love the after-conference reports that Carole Mikita puts together. It got me thinking--can't she speak in conference? I mean, imagine the wonderful visual aids and multi-media here you go there you go that she'd present to us all. Imagine the spirit you'd feel then.

My Conference Talk

The following is a reprint from last September. But we've had so many people move in to the ward since then, that I felt like it was worth repeating. Here goes:

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Ward Update

Slow week this week for funerals. Lots of the old people in our ward have already died or have moved out of the ward and into Elledge Manor (and them others are still, really hanging on). I still go visit them with my son Nathan. We take them corn paste and play old recordings of Fibber McGee and Molly.

Popular sins this week include some of the old standbys. Lusting, rage, and untoward groping.

Just so you know, we got the organ fixed. Too bad, too, because since it was broken we asked Dill Wicket to bring in his keyboard. I don't know about you, but I loved having the drum beat he added whenever we sang How Firm A Foundation.

Well brothers and sisters, keep holding firm on the rod on the straight and narrow but still reaching for the stars with your feet on the ground.

And this: I don't say it enough, but I love this ward. If this ward was a food, I bet it would be some kind of pot roast and a cheese plate.

What Your Children Are Saying - Q&A

Questions and answers from the CTR B class:

Teacher: How can we be more like Jesus?

Kallie Thueson: I can touch my eyeball
Tad Shirley: My dad has a beard on his back
Rachel Kauser: My mom has special medicine that only can you drink if you're a grown up

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Putting a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt (the three years ago Jennifer Love Hewitt) over the picture of your wife in that family picture that you've got hanging in the hall.

Celebrating our 273rd post!

Wow! Can you believe it? This is our 273rd post. This blog was started in 2006 and while there weren't many posts that year, there sure have been a lot since then. Who cares, you say? It's significant, because 273 is how old Joseph Smith would be if he were still alive and if he had been born in 1736!

Not everything has been invented yet

Just click on the historical document to view it larger

Pretty cool badger, dude

Pretty good week, this week, although I don't know that brother Topper Bottomus would say the same thing. Car trouble again and this time, not with the engine. Raccoons. They've been living in the backseat, and as you know, he delivers the Thrifty Nickle newspapers and so sometimes that back seat gets pretty crowded and cramped. Good thing he never had kids because where would they sit?

So he found out about the raccoons because of the badger. I didn't even know they lived in this area, but if anyone could attract a badger and a family of raccoons on accident, it would be Topper Bottomus.

Turns out those raccoons had been living in the car for about two weeks. One of the smaller raccoons of the bunch, got out during a routine stop on the newspaper route and went straight up to a badger and took a carrot right out of his mouth and ran back to the car. That badger took off after the raccoon and didn't catch up to him until he was in the back seat of Topper's car. Then a fight broke out.

This was all being witnessed by two teenagers. One of them slumps over more than my son Nathan and the other one slumps over even further than that. When Topper got back to the car and saw four dead raccoons and a live badger in the back seat, all those two boys said to him was, "Pretty cool badger you got there, dude".

Anyone in the ward need a badger?