Sunday, December 30, 2012

Primary Birthday!

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week.

Can you guess who it is?

  • This girl got a Barbie for Christmas
  • She has three sisters and loves to share with two of them
  • Can't pronounce her R's correctly, yet
  • Favorite TV show: Dora the Explorer and Breaking Bad
  • Favorite movies: Tangled and Reservoir Dogs
  • Threw up last time she ate beets
  • Won the spelling bee this year 
  • Still wets the bed about once a week
  • Is a beautiful singer
  • Cried when her turtle died, even though they'd only had it for a couple weeks
  • Loves visiting her grandmother in North Dakota
  • Helped her mom can peaches this summer
  • Holds grudges
  • Wants to be a ride a trapeze at some point in her life

If you guessed Cody Ranzen, you weren't paying attention. It's a girl! If you guessed Linsay Copp, you're crazy. Lindsay hasn't been in our ward for, like, 6 years. But if you guessed Hailey Adler, you're right! Happy Birthday, Hailey.

Friday, June 15, 2012

A diary excerpt from Jonah

Dear diary,
You're never going to guess where I am. I mean, honestly, if I tell you, you are never going to believe this. I'll give you some clues. Because of where I am right now, I predict I'm going to be talked about for at least 50 years after my death. Also, it stinks in here. And, Geppetto, the father of Pinocchio is here, too. You're right! I'm inside the belly of a wale. How did you guess that?

Geppetto has been here a long time. He's put up shelves and keeps a few things there. He's said I can have the middle shelf, but honestly, I don't think I'm going to be here all that long. My plan is to pray for forgiveness and hopefully be barfed out. I'm not sure what's going to be worse. Barfed out, or coming out the other way. In any case, I've got to get out of here. I can hardly stand the smell, and just think, if email was already invented (it's not) I'd probably have like, 200 new messages when I got out of here. And imagine if Facebook was invented (it's not) my status update would probably say something like, "786 BC better be funner than 787 BC. Being in the belly of a whale sucks."

Our newest ward member

It was his mother that named him Gorb. She was going through a rough patch in her life and when asked about the name, that's really all she'll say. "I was going through a rough patch at the time. I couldn't think straight. I also bought a monkey and two parrots. I thought I needed company. Gorb's father left me and I thought I needed company. Now, though, I hate monkeys. You might think, oh, monkeys are so cute and furry and they don't need any attention and they like to wear tiny sweaters. Ya, well, let me tell you, that aint true. You're thinking of kittens."

And so, there you go. That might help you understand a little bit more about Gorb Thomposon, our newest ward member. Gorb tells me that he wears the eye patch in the same way many of you wear a hat. He says, "Have I lost my eye? No! Do people wear hats because they lost their head, or because they want to make a statement?" I asked Gorb what statement he was trying to make and he said, "Who said I was trying to make a statement?"

This is going to be fun. Also, let's remember that Jesus said love everyone. 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

This week's primary birthday

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week. Can you guess who it is?

This girl got a new dress for Easter
She has three sisters and loves to share with them
Has a lisp
Will probably have to go to summer school
Her favorite tv show is CSI Miami
Sneezes when she goes out in the sun
Her favorite food is her grandmother's oatmeal (oh, come on!)
Wet her pants in school last year
Has a dog named Leonardo "whiskers" DiCaprio

If you guessed Ronnie Lawson, you're crazy. He's not a girl. But if you guessed Caroline Smitts, you're still crazy. She's 65 and in prison. But if you guessed Addison Rogers, you're right!

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Get to know your ward members

Meet our newest member, Phillip Muert.
Brother Muert has spent most of his early life in Wyoming. He was born in Opal, Wyoming when the population was only 100 people. As a child, he liked day dreaming and watching women's wrestling, often at the same time. When brother Muert was 12 years old, his family moved from Opal to Pine Bluffs, then to Pine Haven, and finally by the time he was 16, they had settled in Pinedale.

After serving in the Navy, brother Muert attended Cheyene College where he received a B.A., cum laude, and was also given the award as "Most likely to sneeze during a live theater performance". He later received an M.A. from Cutler University, a place that was entirely made up by Phillip and named Cutler University because he felt it sounded prestigious.

It was at this point in his life when he did not invent the microwave oven. Someone else did.

In 1971 he received a Ph.D. from an actual university--Brigham Young University, where he first came in contact with the Mormons and was invited to be baptized. He was also elected to the Honor Society and began bowing and tipping his imaginary hat whenever a lady was present. After receiving a Ph.D. from BYU, Dr. Muert then began teaching at Snow College until he recently retired and moved to Provo. Upon arriving back in Provo after all these years, he remarked, "This is adequate. And has anyone seen my teeth?"

In addition to teaching, Brother Muert is involved in several activities. He enjoys collecting yarn and he is a member of several historical societies, and is currently the chairman of the Board of Trustees on the Historical Coal Miners Society of Utah. He also serves as the secretary of the Historical Society of Utah Historical Societies.

He has delivered a number of lectures on a variety of subjects, none of them very interesting. He is also an extraordinary pick-pocket.

Brother Muert and his wife JoAnne are the parents of 14 children.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Get to know your ward members - Artie Furb

The first thing you're going to want to know about me is that I'm a lover, not a farter. See, get what I just did there? What I really am is a joker. I love to joke and tease. Mild practical jokes are my specialty. One of these days when the cops show up at your house to tell you that your son is missing, it may be true, or it may be me, just playing a joke on you. You just never know. And that's why it's hilarious, and you've always got to be on your toes when you're around me.

I was born in 1940 in the back of a potato chip truck. Oh, wait. No, that's where I was concieved. I was born in the front seat of a station wagon on the way to the hospital. My dad didn't realize how far along my mother was in labor, and so he stopped off to get a malt at the malt shop in town. He still would have made it in time to get to the hospital, but he also applied for a job while he was there, was given a job on the spot, and started work right away. 30 minutes later, I was born.

My parents named me Chilton Van Hubbard. A name I always hated. So when I turned 18 I marched straight down to the court house and changed my name to Artie Furb. I realize now I made a terrible mistake. But at the time, I thought I had made the right decision. So many things in my life are that way, and I'm guessing it's the same for you. You think you should buy a Geo. You become an accountant. You call a bunch of lumberjacks "sissies". You think no one at work will find out about your cross dressing. You know what I'm talking about. On the one hand, there's no going back. On the other hand, it's these things that shape us and make us who we are. It's these things that we look back and laugh about. Except for that lumberjack thing. Those guys are still after me.