Thursday, April 21, 2011

New service at Deseret Industries

The Deseret Industries will now be offering lightly used food that still has plenty of use. I haven't been there myself, yet, but brother Billington reports that a sandwich he got there was delicious "all except the mayonnaise".

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oxen Auction

Brothers and sisters, get your shoulders out. It's time to put them to the wheel. That's right, it's almost time for our annual pioneer trek. And just as we've done in the past, this year you will once again be required to supply your own oxen.

It has been difficult in the past for many of you to secure the oxen, but I have recently discovered an outfit in Wyoming that has an oxen auction every month. The fellow I spoke with said that if he gets enough business, he'd be willing to have the oxen auction more often.

Pioneer hand-cart treks. Hooray!

Monday, April 18, 2011

This week's birthday in primary

Guess who! This week, the child in our primary that has a birthday:

  • Loves princess movies 
  • Loves to play jacks 
  • Has 10 out of the 13 articles of faith memorized 
  • Has buck teeth 
  • Wants a pony for her birthday and also a real sword 
  • Wet the bed until she was 6 years old 
  • Can play 8 songs on the piano 
  • Favorite American Idol of all time is Brooke White 
  • Laughs uncontrollably whenever she hears someone talk about an anal fissure 

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Jerry Tillbaum, you are so wrong. He's not even in primary. But if you guessed Kasey Henderman, you're right! Happy birthday, Kasey!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

General Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams

Ask the Sunbeams 

Question: What was your favorite part of conference?
Hannah Givens: I can touch my eyeball!

Question: What did President Monson talk about?
Emmy Thompson: Guess what. Did you know chickens can't fart?

Question: Did you hear anyone talk about ways to be more like Jesus?
Adam Westing: This one time, I heard my mom and dad argue about how come my dad always came home late and how come he got off work at 6 but didn't come home until 8 sometimes and another time they weren't arguing at all but their door was locked and they kept telling me to leave them alone.

Friday, April 15, 2011

...And I'm thankful for Mormon blogs...

We often hear in conference about how the media is so full of filth, that video games are rotting our brain, that Jennifer Anniston really wants a baby, and it makes you wonder, where can I turn for constant content that is both uplifting, and thought provoking?

Well, our prayers have been answered. No, Lex De Azevedo didn't start a blog. But some other nice young men have. Mormon men. Modern Mormon Men. And they call their blog "What would Lex De Azevedo Say?" Just kidding. They call it Modern Mormon Men.

There's a warm feeling in my bosom about this.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Scout Camp Physical

Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, makes phone calls for the bishop.

8th most popular sin this week

Telling that pretty girl in your class with the spider tattoo on her ankle that when she plays her guitar and sings Colbie Caillat songs, it gives you an eargasm.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Golden Urn Retirement Center

As you may know, since our ward boundaries have recently changed, the Golden Urn Retirement Center is now part of our ward family. Which means we'll be helping them out with their annual yard sale this year.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I've been before to their yard sale before, and it seems like all there is for sale are crutches and glass figurines. A fellow can only buy so many tiny glass elephants. Still, we help. We give. And in the end, the smell will eventually come out of our clothes.

Monday, April 11, 2011

What would Jesus do?

We are taught to ask, what would Jesus do, on occasions when we are stumped about the right choice in any given situation. It's a very good question. Yet, it's also important to ask, how much would Jesus tip, and then this question: if leprosy was more rampant in our society, do you think that anyone on Celebrity Apprentice would have it?

Saturday, April 09, 2011

This month's service project

I just wanted to remind all the parents of the youth in our ward that this month's service project will be to trim the ear hair off some of the shut-ins. We'll meet at the church at 5pm instead of 7pm on account of their early bed times.

Friday, April 08, 2011

New Calling: Ward Listener

So many times in our lives we get to thinking about how we can make life better for our wife, so we'll buy her a new blouse, or we'll bring home a transient for dinner to show her we have a compassionate side. But so often, all they need is to have someone to talk to. And I mean someone besides their therapist or their yoga instructor or the girl that comes to the door to sell magazines for the high school band.

And that's why we've called brother Melvin Fardley as ward listener. He just got his hearing aid replaced and has assured me that his hearing problems are a thing of the past.

Give him a call. The volume knob on his hearing aid goes to eleven.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Ask the Bishop

Question: Bishop, how do you get over your addictions?

Answer: Do you mean my love of boating and my insatiable appetite for spending time with my family? I embrace it, but I don't covet bigger boats. You can really get in the trap of looking at what others have and saying to yourself, I could really be happy with those bigger boats. But you just can't let yourself think that way. You just have to be happy with what you've got. Bigger boats are not always the answer. Sometime you'll be at the lake and say, man, those girls over there on that dock have got some really big boats. But sometimes it's important to remember that they probably had someone else pay for those boats and didn't buy them on their own.

And prayer. Prayer is the answer to so many things. But do you know what it's not the answer to? It's not the answer to this question--How much Cayenne should I put in my chili? The answer to that question is 2 teaspoons.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Get to know your ward members

Garvin Hebler has just moved in the ward. He is very difficult to be around, but that's no reason we should not love him any less than we love any of our other ward members, like, say, sister Kerby or that lady that always wears purple. I wish I could remember her name. I think it rhymes with "Cornish".

I called brother Hebler and asked him to introduce himself to the ward and tell us a little bit about himself. Here is brother Hebler's response.

Arrrrrrrr! Why don't you leave me alone. I just cooked up a plate of hot spam and I don't want to be bothered. Ok. If you must know something about me, I was the one that came up with the phrase "In God we trust. All others pay cash". Now quit calling me. That's it. I'm getting caller ID.
Welcome to the ward, brother Hebler, you crazy old son of a gun.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

If there's anything that makes me want to be Bishop again, it's this

Here's a comment I recently received:

As a currently serving stake president I must say that I am completely disgusted at the content of this blog.

Here's what I wrote back:

To the person serving as Stake President that is disgusted at the content of the blog, all I have to say is thank you for your kind words of encouragement. So many of the comments we get are mostly about how great this blog is and how the spirits of the saints have been lifted by reading this.

Many faithful have come here as a refuge from the world of garbage and trash, like that show on TV with Snooki. Then, they leave a comment and mention how this blog has helped them become a better person. In fact, one person, after reading this blog, decided to adopt a chinese baby instead of her previous plan of just getting a dog. (It was going to be a Yorkshire Terrier).

Your comment has given me the inspiration to want to continue the blog and do something about the disgusting content. You will be happy to know that I've already removed 3 out of the 10 pictures showing cleavage on this site! I will ask our own Stake President, President Martin (he's very tall and I like many of his suits) if he will make me Bishop again. I doubt he will. But it doesn't hurt to ask. Thank you for reading. Just like Jesus, we appreciate every person.

Also, Stake President, thanks so much for letting me know you are a Stake President. I'm so impressed! If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought you were only a cub master. Bless you.

If there's anything that makes me want to be called as Bishop again, it's that fellow's encouraging words.