Saturday, May 31, 2008

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Catering an orgy.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Good Advice up the Ying-Yang

Many ask, "Bishop, where do you find the inspiration for all the good advice you give me". Many assume I've read the book "Give Good Advice Up the Ying-Yang" or "An Advice-givers Guide to Giving Advice That Didn't Come From Dr.Phil".

I don't really know how to answer such a question. I think I've always been a little bit like this. Even at a very young age I was giving people as old as 18 and 19 years old some advice. Of course, back then it was advice such as "Hey, quit hitting me" or "You're going to fall off that" but it put me on the track of helping. And that's really what it's all about when you think about it. Helping. Helping and giving and pointing out ways that you could do things as proficiently as I do them.

It's a gift. My gift. Your gift might have to do with being able to tell if it's too hot in a particular room for your grandmother, so without asking you just go turn down the heat for her. Or your gift might be to play the violin at a high level of skill but not skilled enough to be a concert violinist so instead you work as a clerk in a law firm which makes you realize your real gift is to not be mad a God that you're not a more gifted violin player.

There's so many gifts and each person has at least two. Your gift may be as benign as being left handed, so you ask, why on earth is that a gift and then you find out that your real gift is how inquisitive you are.

Sometimes it takes people their whole lifetime to discover what their gift is. Others discover it as early as age nine. Anyone that thinks they have discovered their gift sooner than that is probably just dreaming. I mean, come on? Do you mean to tell me that your seven year old son can already speak three languages and can also beat you at guitar hero?

So let me give you some advice. Learn early what your gifts and talents are. The sooner you discover them, the sooner you can apply at that law firm for the clerk job.

Allow me to get personal

Allow me to get personal. Many of you have known me for quite a few years. You've seen me experience both joy and the flip side of joy, which is yoj. So it shouldn't surprise any of you that have known me for a long time, that I've thought about growing a mustache once I am no longer Bishop. I will only have it for two weeks, tops. I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt like it was something I should do.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Just a rumor

No need to worry yourself sick because it's just a rumor at this point. If you haven't heard, some of our ward members have been discussing the idea that the Second Coming has been canceled due to a lack of interest. This has yet to be confirmed.

Lost and Found

For the next two weeks in the foyer at church we will have a table set up of lost and found items. Please check the table for any items you may have lost. No word yet on whether Tabitha Clawson's virtue will be there.


I'm somewhat disturbed about the outcome of last week's cake auction. It was a grand success, and for that, I am thankful. However, the top selling cakes turned out to be Sister Blassengame's lovely cake shaped like the Provo Temple as well as Brother Vonderbun's cake decorated to look like a young women in a two piece bathing suit. I've been told that the reason it sold for so much was because of its uncanny resemblance to Tabitha Clawson. This disturbs me.

I had no idea

Last week, in a private meeting, our Stake President, President Martin, told me that heaven's computers all run on Mac. I had no idea.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

This Week's Recipe

This week's recipe comes to us from Mark Belgord, who just returned from the Army.

Non-Alcoholic Vodka
Get a glass
Add ice

Thanks Mark for helping us be in the world, but not of it.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Announcement from on High

Are you like me? Do you write in your journal three times a day but still feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of writing your personal history? Then you'll be so pleased to know that the church has just told all the bishops that we no longer have to worry about any kind of record keeping. Instead, we should spend more time with our families. That includes boating (at least one of your kids must be present), walks in the park, and a game we at our house call "Topsy Turvy Kitten".

Just kidding. We still have to keep records. Go back to feeling guilty for your inadequacies.

Lest we forget

Have we forgotten the faith of our fathers? Have we forgotten the sacrifice of the pioneers? Have we forgotten to turn off the oven?

Talents under a bushel? Release them.

The teenagers of our day are doing way too much talent hiding under a bushel. What I mean, is that if you hide your talents under a bushel, no one will get to see how well you can sing "On the good ship lollipop" or "Eye of the tiger". That's a shame. It's also a sin. I abhor sin. I also don't like cauliflower or canned yams. I once knew a girl my age who hid her bushel under a bushel. Too bad for her. As far as I could tell, she had a really nice bushel.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My favorite hymn

One of my favorite hymns is a song that, as it turns out, isn't a hymn at all. Its a popular song from Neil Diamond called "Forever in Blue Jeans". It has a wonderful message about how money doesn't sing and dance and how it's a real special feeling to have your wife right beside you and how you should be sure and wait until you're married to have sex. Ok. I made that last part up, but it's still a good idea to wait.

I can't remember if you have a mote or a beam

There are a few people in the ward that love to point out the flaws of others. Since I’m bishop, I won’t say who you are, but I suggest looking at either the mote or the beam in your own eye rather than going on and on about the mote or beam in your neighbor’s eye. (I can never remember which is which about if you have a mote or a beam in your eye and if your neighbor only has a mote or does he have a beam?)

Speaking of something in your neighbor’s eye, Jared Fillgette works for a company that makes glass eyes out of plastic. This makes it much more comfortable for the user, Jared says, but don’t stand too close to the fire. Can you imagine this scene--
Glass eye user: My eye is melting, my eye is melting!
Unsuspecting passerby: Oh no. You’ll go blind.
Glass eye user: I’m already blind in that eye. I’m yelling because now I”ll have to buy a new eye and they are real expensive. I was saving up for new boat for duck fishing.

Come Listen To a Prophet's Voice Crack

Our ward historian, Calbert Eldrige Furbey has discovered a wax cylinder recording, or, phonograph cylinder recording of a young Lorenzo Snow singing "Froggy went a courting". It's difficult to tell if it's the early technology, or young Lorenzo's voice, but at one point in the song, it seems that his voice begins to crack. I'll bet that wouldn't have happened had he been singing one of the church hymns. That's more of a comment on the power of the church hymns than on the voice of a prophet-to-be.

Good seats in heaven still available

Alan Siepert has done it again and we don't call him the ward liar for nothing. He has some of you convinced that all the good seats in heaven are taken. He said all seats in front, close to God have been reserved since 1956. First of all, there aren't any seats in heaven close to God. All the seats are good and all the seats are close to God. Now, it is true that only 30% are padded and those are in heaven's relief society room.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Gavin Auggler

Gavin Auggler tells me that growing up with unusually large ears was not as difficult as you might think, thanks to a mother that used to tell him, "Gavin, those enormous ears of yours are Gods way of saying thanks for being such a good listener to everyone in the pre-existence" and she also used to say that God was telling him "because you have such big ears, I promise you will not get cancer or Crohn's disease, although I can't say for sure about Carotenosis." Gavin has been in the ward for 12 years and has served on the high council and the low council as well as a Sunday School teacher and they guy that keeps everything up to date on the bulletin board. We are glad he's in our ward. Even though one of his ears is just outside the ward boundary. Just kidding. His whole body is in our ward. We love you Gavin.

What is going on at the Jeppsons?

A special ward committe has been formed to find out why in the name of all things holy the Jeppsons' family home evenings are so boring. We've been hearing complaints from their children for years now, but only recently have we heard complaints from brothers and sisters of the ward that are not related. For example, Shelly Wexler was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off some size 6 pants that her son no longer wore. She wanted to give them to the Jeppsons because, as you know, the Jeppsons have the twins, Bobby and Tippett, that should be able to fit in size 6 pants, even though most of their friends are wearing size 8. (Malnourished, if you ask me). Anywho...Sister Wexler dropped off the pants and was invited in and was told "come on in--we're nearly through with family home evening". She happened to arrive on a night that had Brother Jeppson sculpting an exact replica of Nauvoo, circa 1839, with a crude "clay" he made himself out of flour and old socks. Sister Wexler reports hearing one of the children whisper "can someone try to knock me unconscious."

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Potato Bar for Less Actives

In our Bishop's council meeting we discussed ways to re-activate the less actives and activate the downright hostile folks back to full fellowship. You'll be pleased to know that we received a revelation that told us the way to do it was with a potato bar at the end of Sacrament Meeting. While all of you faithful will make your way to Sunday School, I'll be serving the less actives a serving of baked potato goodness and a full serving of welcome back into the fold.