Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, how come we can't play the drums in the chapel?

Answer: You can. If you don't mind settling for the telestial kingdom when you die.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, you know how people say "you can't take it with you"? What all does that include?

Answer: Mostly iPods, shoes, and decorative soaps. And everything else except your soul.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, why aren't there very many famous Mormon ventriloquists?

Answer: If you were going to ask me, why aren't there any famous Mormon strippers, I would have a really good answer for you. But ventriloquists? You got me there. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because that person might feel some guilt about where he has to place his hand in order for that puppet to perform.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Making your house a home

Tips on making your house a home.

1 - Give it a name. Something like, Gardeners Delight, or Walnut Villa. Believe me, that's going to go a long way to making your house a home. That suggestion right there could be good enough, but I've got more.

2 - In addition to your standard rooms-kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, family room--make certain you also have the following rooms: Conservatory, mud room, guest room, maid's quarters, music room.

3 - Never refer to anyone in the home as "wing-nut".

4 - Hang up pictures of a spiritual nature. Or of nature. Waterfalls can really do the trick, here.

5 - Hang up pictures of your children engaged in special projects, like the pine-wood derby, or making those little knit hats for starving kids somewhere.

6 - Never use a Hibatchi inside the home.

7 - Use Pledge regularly on all wooden surfaces.

8 - Sing the hymns often. Not just at home, but also in the car, or in the presence of non-members, particularly if they are smoking, or using crude language.

9 - Show kindness to each other. Instigate a system where once a week, someone gets a ballon.

10 - Take down the sign on your front door the previous owners put up that reads "Satan Welcome Here".

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Ask the Bishop

This week’s member question-

Bishop, what are some of the challenges you face as bishop, that I don’t have to face?

Now that’s a good question. I was going to say, going up a lot of stairs, but then you added “as bishop” so I was going to say “avoiding loud-laughter” and then you added “that I don’t have to face” so then I just sat there for a minute to make sure you weren’t going to add anything else, like “because I’m actually Jewish” or something like that. Good question, though. What do I face as bishop that you don’t have to face. Let’s see, there’s the constant nagging from Marlin Blatter about when I’m going to call him as the Elder’s Quorum President. You don’t have to deal with that. Let’s see, there’s the late night phone calls from Sister Cavenaugh, wondering if someone came to feed the cats. (She doesn’t have any cats). But I’d say the biggest challenge of all is balancing my time between my calling, my job, my hobbies, my family, my side-businesses, my writing, keeping up on this blog, my music, my lectures, my civic duties, my volunteer work down at the V.A hospital, my seat on the board of directors (three companies, really), my appearances at youth camps during the summer, and my Mormon Elvis impersonations. I’d say that’s probably my biggest challenge. Oh, and trying not to attract the wrong kind of attention when I wear those tight slacks my wife likes so much.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Telling a girl you're trying to impress that you have your own shark tank and taking her to Sea World and then getting there early and covering up the Sea-World sign with one of your own that says, "Nathan's super awesome shark that he bought with his own money".

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Today's profile is actually chapter 7 in Mickey Dulvont's biography called "There's No Dead Guys In Heaven". Please enjoy.

I used to spending the summer at Grandpa’s house. He wasn’t my real grandpa, but he was older than Pops and had a limp like so many other grandpas. Pops is my mom. Her real name is Penelope. I don’t remember where the name Pops came from but I’ve been calling her that since I was just a kid.

Summer at grandpa’s house was usually spent outside. Chasing frogs, climbing trees, and making mud huts, then decorating them with rugs and fancy lamps, and finding homeless people to occupy them. I guess that’s where my interest in charity work came from. Pops used to always tell me, "you’re a good kid and I sure wish you were mine". I was adopted and Pops used to bring that up a lot. She felt like there must have been some sin she was guilty of that kept her from being able to get pregnant. She used to list off some of the most serious sins she’d committed and ask which one we thought might be keeping her from having a child of her own.

One summer, just about a week before I was going to leave grandpa’s house and go back home, I met a girl named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I asked her why she had so many names and she asked me why I had so many freckles and I asked her why I’d never seen her before and she asked me if I’d ever seen a real dead person. I paused for a minute because I wondered if she was about to tell me where a dead person was. Then I said, “Really, why do you have so many names?” Funny thing, I don’t even remember what she said, but I do remember it had something to do with a Queen or gardening or something like that. Then, she took me over to the quarry and showed me a dead person.

Then next summer when I went back to Grandpa’s house I asked if he knew anyone named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. And he asked me if I’d ever seen a dead person. I told him about the quarry and that seemed to jar his memory because he then said, “Oh, that Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. You bet I know her. She just ran for mayor”. You better believe that came as quite a shock to me because when I had met her the summer before, I had assumed she was about my same age--14 years old. As it turns out, she had a disease that made her look really young. Much younger than her actual age. Turns out, she was 42. I told grandpa about how Eleanore Rose and I had kissed down by the quarry. He told me that he had also done the same. I threw up on my shoes. Not because of what grandpa said, but because of a really gross pickle I had just eaten.

For the rest of the week I tried to find Eleanore Rose, but didn’t have any luck. I later heard she died about that same time, and I never got to see her again.

I’ve never married, see, and that’s because my one true love was Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I believe that when I get to the celestial kingdom, we’ll run into each other. I’ll ask why she had to leave me and she’ll ask me why my knuckles are so nobby. I’ll ask her what the food is like in heaven and she’ll ask me if I want to go see a dead guy. Then we’ll both laugh real loud and long, because there’s no such thing as a dead guy in heaven.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Conference re-cap

Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams.

Question - What was your favorite part of conference?
Noah Tillen: How come I can't have a hampster?

Question - What did President Monson talk about?
Ellie Vorlet: I just swallowed a lego!

Question - Did you hear anyone talk about how to be more like Jesus?
Nye Horner: This one time, my cousins came to see us, and they live in St. George, so it takes them a long time to get here, so when they got here the first thing they needed to do was go the bathroom, but I was really excited to see them because we only get to see them about three times a year and my dad said that their dad didn't come because he doesn't like to ride long rides in the car but then my cousin said their dad didn't come because just before they were going to leave he got in a big argument with their mom and then he said, fine you wear the pants in the family and he took off his pants in the driveway and then went inside and my cousins have blond hair just like me.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Ward Update

Pretty good week so far, without too many funerals or spiritual slaps on the spiritual wrist. I drove around last night, getting some of the ward members to get their talents from under their bushel. I've said this before, but Sister McLewin has a really nice bushel, and she shouldn't be hiding anything under there.

We got a call from Sister McCallister earlier this week and some members of the Elder's Quorum went over there to help her move. As you know, she weights 400 pounds and she needed some help moving from the kitchen to the living room. They got that taken care of and if anyone knows of a good chiropractor, then be sure and let me know. (Someone other than Doctor Wells Kiplinger. No one can stand the smell in there).

This week the youth will be making minature scale models of handcarts. Then next week they'll be making minature people to pull those handcarts. Not too minauture, though. There's got to be room for the blisters! (Always teaching. Always teaching)

Bless you all.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Can't Carole Mikita speak in conference

We've all grown to love the after-conference reports that Carole Mikita puts together. It got me thinking--can't she speak in conference? I mean, imagine the wonderful visual aids and multi-media here you go there you go that she'd present to us all. Imagine the spirit you'd feel then.

My Conference Talk

The following is a reprint from last September. But we've had so many people move in to the ward since then, that I felt like it was worth repeating. Here goes:

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Ward Update

Slow week this week for funerals. Lots of the old people in our ward have already died or have moved out of the ward and into Elledge Manor (and them others are still, really hanging on). I still go visit them with my son Nathan. We take them corn paste and play old recordings of Fibber McGee and Molly.

Popular sins this week include some of the old standbys. Lusting, rage, and untoward groping.

Just so you know, we got the organ fixed. Too bad, too, because since it was broken we asked Dill Wicket to bring in his keyboard. I don't know about you, but I loved having the drum beat he added whenever we sang How Firm A Foundation.

Well brothers and sisters, keep holding firm on the rod on the straight and narrow but still reaching for the stars with your feet on the ground.

And this: I don't say it enough, but I love this ward. If this ward was a food, I bet it would be some kind of pot roast and a cheese plate.

What Your Children Are Saying - Q&A

Questions and answers from the CTR B class:

Teacher: How can we be more like Jesus?

Kallie Thueson: I can touch my eyeball
Tad Shirley: My dad has a beard on his back
Rachel Kauser: My mom has special medicine that only can you drink if you're a grown up