Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ask The Bishop

Question: In my high school, there is a kid that is my same age and he refers to girls as "gals". As in, "she's a neat gal". My question is, is it ok to hit this kid in the face?

Answer: In this case, yes. Yes it is.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Put your prosthetic shoulder to the wheel

I sure appreciate the hard work of Morgan Bailliette in our ward. Always asking what he can do to help. Always doing more. Always going the extra mile. Always walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Never counting his chickens before they hatch.

And all this with a prosthetic shoulder.

Whether you have two good shoulders or one, whether you have one really good shoulder and one that gives out from time to time, or even if you were born without shoulders, we could all be a little bit more like brother Bailliette.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Abraham and his buddy, Buddy

Let us now join the conversation, as the Old Testament prophet Abraham is talking to one of his buddies, a fellow name Buddy, 20 years after God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. we begin with Buddy.

Buddy:...and I had a prompting that I should take an 8th wife. It was weird because I thought 7 wives was plenty, but there was this prompting. So that's why I married Candy.

Abraham: Oh, you think that's weird? You think taking one more wife is weird?

Buddy: I just thought it seemed strange, yeah. Because I already have 7 wives. Plus, I'm getting really old. I don't need any more kids. How will I pay all their tuition?

Abraham: If you think that's weird, have I got a story for you.

Buddy: I know. You once found a sandwich in your beard. You've told me this before.

Abraham: That was nothing. Get this. Once, about 20 years ago, God asked me to sacrifice my son Isaac.

Buddy: What do you mean, sacrifice him?

Abraham: Kill him.

Buddy: Waaaaaa?

Abraham: I know, weird, right. He asked me to take knife and kill my own son.

Buddy: Well, Isaac is still alive. Why didn't you do it?

Abraham: I was going to. I mean, I was planning on it. I had him tied down and everything and then just at the last minute, God stayed my hand.

Buddy: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that God asked you to kill your son and you were going to, but in the end, it was just a joke?

Abraham: Not a joke, Buddy. A test.

Buddy: A test?

Abraham: Right. A test. If it was a joke, he would have let me go through with it and then he would have said, ha ha, you just killed your son. But this was a test. Just to see if I would go through with it.

Buddy: But God knows all our thoughts. He already would have known you'd go through with it.

Abraham: But he wanted me to know that I knew he knew I'd go through with it.

Buddy: Listen, that's messed up.

Abraham: Tell me about it.

Ask the Bishop

Question: If Jesus came down to earth today and the first three people he saw were a Mormon with great teeth, a Jewish lady with a mustache, and a Lutheran with chicken pox, who would he hug first?

Answer: That is a great question. It reminds me of the time I had chicken pox in the third grade. I had to stay home from school and it was right when my class was going on a field trip to a dairy farm to find out how milk is pasteurized. Imagine my great disappointment. I heard later that everyone that wanted got to drink milk right straight from the cow's teat. What a treat. A teat treat.

And that's why we should always immunize our children. Thanks for the question.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I believe Wednesday has special powers

Saturday is a special day, but Wednesday's not to shabby either.

Listen, just because there isn't a song about Wednesday doesn't mean it's not as special as Saturday, and maybe even more special.

For the record, I never call Wednesday "Hump Day". I believe married couples can be intimate on any day of the week.

I'm a giver. I love to give.

So many times in our lives, we're asked at parties and on surveys, what are those things in which we excel. What are we good at. And we always put down down things like water-skiing, playing the organ, getting pencils really sharp without breaking the lead, and the like. Those things we always put down without fail. Acquired skills.

But here's something I'm good at, naturally. I'm a giver. I love to give. I'm so much like Jesus in that way that sometimes it makes me laugh. Just the other day I was riding in the car with my family (we were going to Trafalga Fun Center) and I just started laughing. To them I started laughing for no reason at all. In fact, to my wife, I was being insensitive, because apparently she was trying to tell all of us about some person she knows that has cancer or asthma or something. So I started laughing out loud, but it was only because I was realizing how much I am like Jesus, on account of how much I love to give.

What about you. At which skills do you excel?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stadium of actual fire

I wish BYU would have an event in the winter called "Stadium of Actual Fire" where you could go hear Glen Beck speak, but since it's in the middle of winter, there would be giant bonfire. We could all gather round and talk about what makes Provo so special and the fire would keep us warm. But there would also be the fire in our hearts. So "Stadium of Actual Fire" would be a metaphor for so many things. Love, warmth, burning in the bosom....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ward Update

Well, things are moving along pretty good in the ward right now. Thanks for asking. Not so many funerals, the sisters are busy passing along casserole recipes with each other, and our Tithing Elite program is as popular as ever.

There is one thing that concerns me, however, and that is that I don't think we, as a ward, do enough medium volume laughter. We do lots of quiet laughter (chuckles are included here), and we know we aren't supposed to be engaged in loud laughter, but that leaves medium laughter wide open. This would be when something is funny, but not hilarious, and not something dumb but you feel obligated to laugh at anyway.

May we all watch more Brian Regan stand-up. That ought to do the trick.

This Week's 3rd Most Popular Sin

Mispronouncing "cow teat" on purpose.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Get to know your ward members

Charles Choosey had it easy when he was growing up. His legs didn't work very well, so he got pushed around in a chair with wheels. Everywhere he went, someone pushed him. Later, they also gave him the best parking spots in the lot. But Charles Choosey wasn't satisfied. He wanted something more from life. He asked God for a miracle. That miracle never came. Instead, he began working at the Deseret Industries. He had a very specific job. He was to cull all the books and sort out all the copies that came in titled the Celestine Prophesy, keep two or three for the shelves, and then throw all the other thousands of editions into the wood chipper.

That's when the miracle came. The more items Brother Choosey threw into the wood chipper, the stronger his legs became. Within three weeks, Brother Choosey could walk for the first time in his life.

With such an able body, the people at the Deseret Industries no longer felt the need to employ him. He was asked to leave and to take his big, strong arms with him.

Brother Choosey was angry. He had a chip on his shoulder for many years. He also had a mole on the other shoulder for even longer than that. Turns out, it was a cancerous mole, and that's probably what will eventually do him in. In the mean time, it's good for all of you to know why Brother Choosey is so cranky all the time. But we love him and his cancerous mole. We love him and his weak-legged past. Love. That's what Jesus would do. So that's what we do.

And as a hilarious joke, for Christmas, I gave him a brand new copy of the book The Celestine Prophesy.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


I wish Glee was on Monday nights. It's the perfect family home evening.

New Year's Resolutions

My New Year's Resolutions for 2010

  • Keep obeying the word of wisdom like crazy
  • Increase my amount of family time by 15%
  • Increase the amount of times I use percentages by 10%
  • Visit the sick and the needy, but mostly the sick. The needy expect it way more.
  • Try to get Charlie Tibbles, the ward gay, to quit being gay. If he won't do that, at least see if he'll direct another road show for us.
  • Earn another Eagle Scout award, even though I'm technically too old.
  • Read the scriptures every day (duh).
  • Take time to smell the Roses. Brother and Sister Rose said that when they are close to dying (and they said it should be within the next couple months) I'll be able to tell because they'll give off a specific odor.
  • Invite Billy Bob Thorton over for dinner and ask him if he'll quit swearing so much in his movies.

What are some of your resolutions?

Where I've Been

I have been locked in a basement with very little water and only beets and spam to eat. I was forced to look at pictures of youthful people playing games of chance. I have now been released and plan to go right back to being bishop. First, I need to go to McDonalds, because I heard the McRib is back.