Thursday, August 30, 2007

Guess who's getting married

It looks like David Richardson and Lila Davidson are getting married. (Not in the temple, though. He's not a full tithe payer). We give them our blessings (and my wife is giving them a toaster).

Monday, August 27, 2007

You Can Pluck Hair From My Ear, Anytime

I sure don't want to embarrass the Swensons, but I overheard a conversation they had the other day, and I felt like it was a perfect example of the give and take that is needed, yea, even essential, in a marriage today.

Sister Betty Swenson: Acton, you look so handsome.
Brother Acton Swenson: Thanks, my dear.
Betty: Can I just pluck some of those ear hairs for you?
Acton: You can pluck hair from my ear, anytime, sweat heart.

There are many couples in our ward that don't do acts of kindness like this for each other, let alone, talk to each other with such respect. It's sad to see, but true. That's why I was so moved by the Swenson's conversation.

So, that why I'm asking all the wives in the ward to pluck hairs from their husband's ears tonight when they get home from work. Before you start dinner together, pluck his hairs. Show him that you care. And husbands, let your wife know you appreciate it by talking kindly to her and by offering to put the tweezers away for her.

This kind of interaction is the road to a happy marriage.

Sister Adler Had the Quadruplets!

The waiting is over in the Adler family, as Sister Adler gave birth late last night to four beautiful daughters. Her husband Ryan called to let us know and to tell us they have decided on names for the little bundles of joy. The names will be Faith, Hope, Charity, and Brenda.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What's the first thing you think of?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Flackpug"? Because that's going to be the theme for our primary this year and it stands for

  1. Faith
  2. Love
  3. Adoration
  4. Charity
  5. Kindness
  6. Prayer
  7. Understanding
  8. Gratitude
Our goal is for every child in primary this year to learn the Flackpug motto and write their own flackpug song. We will appreciate help from all the parents.

G. Higgins

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Sins? We forgive 'em

Life can really get you down, can't it. We try to live the church standards but sometimes Satan just gets a hold on us and he won't seem to let go. Next thing you know you're dialing one of those numbers you see at the back of free newspapers and you're phone bill runs up to $300. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you brother Stevens. Well, just in case some of you were mired in guilt and forgot about which, of the many sins you can be forgiven, here is a list to refresh your memory. Keep in mind, this list is not comprehensive. See, there is hope.

  • Lusting after Katherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Penelope Cruz or other popular film and television personalities
  • Backbiting
  • Inviting your friends upstairs when we specifically asked you not to
  • Adultery
  • Destroying other people's property
  • Failing to pay taxes
  • Failing to pay an honest tithe
  • Paying tithing on money you won in a dog fight
  • Laughing really hard and pointing at others that are less fortunate than you, or, laughing at someone that may be wearing pants that are called "high water" pants
  • Cross dressing
  • Pretending to be a real massage therapist
  • Public nudity
  • Private nudity if you aren't married
  • Private nudity if you are married but are nude, privately, in front of someone other than the person to whom you are legally and lawfully married.
  • Suing people for no good reason
  • Dry humping
  • Check bouncing
  • Check humping
  • Dry bouncing
  • Hiding your talents under a bushel

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

New Rings For Teenagers Replace CTR Rings

My son Nathan tells me that CTR rings aren't cool. I think he's up in the rafters, but apparently Sister Minnie Archer feels the same way as Nathan. Of course, unlike my son Nathan that just complains and complains without offering any solutions, Sister Archer has actually done something about it. She has fashioned a new line of rings for the young kids in high school to replace the CTR ring. It's called the ICTDTRT Ring and it stand for"It's Cool To Do The Right Thing".

They'll be available just in time for the beginning of school this year and start at $39.95. So come on kids--reserve your ring now because you sure don't want to be the only one at school to hear, "Where's your ICTDTRT ring, nerd?"

Casserole Reenactment Society Can Accept One More

The Casserole Reenactment Society has lost one of its members and is now taking applications to fill the vacant slot. As you know, the Society takes the idea of pioneer reenactments one step further than typical reenactment groups. The Casserole Reenactment Society bake casseroles just as the pioneers would. They wear the same clothing, use the same recipes, gather the same ingredients by the same methods, bake them in the exact same conditions, and deliver them to the descendants of those pioneers that would be receiving the casserole if they were still alive today with a working digestive system and a full set of teeth.

Many of the members in the society are women over the age of 75 but they encourage people of all ages, both male and female to consider becoming a member. All that is required is a love of the casserole arts and a strong sense of pioneer heritage. Please provide your own oven mitt.

Accepted members are given a lifetime position and the coveted vacant spots only become available when current members pass on to the celestial kingdom or one of the less attractive after-life stations.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Thanks, Guest Bishop.


Our guest bishop really did a first-rate job. Thanks to Tatum Phlister who sat in as guest bishop while my family and I were away for a little R and R and S S (Rest and Relaxation and Scripture Study). Not only will you receive blessings in heaven for your service, I’m going to use some of the tithing money we collected and present you with a $50 gift certificate to Applebees.

This week's least popular sin


Friday, August 03, 2007

This is your lucky day!

Francine Baldwin has made another batch of her ever popular "Word of Wisdom Squash Bars" and just called me to say she has about 300 pounds extra for anyone in the ward that would like to come get some. It's first come, first serve so I'd hurry right over there and get some. Yum yum!

Cancelled: Father and Son and Snake Camp Out

We are going to have to cancel the Father and Son and Snake Camp Out. We weren't able to round up enough snakes.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

187 Laws of Happiness

My wife is working on a new book for women in the church called "The 187 Laws of Happiness You Must Follow Or You Will Need Paxil". It's both touching and lighthearted in it's instructions on navigating through life with all its ups and downs and crushing setbacks. It's going to be available in time for Christmas and yes, Sister Kluwer, there is a chapter on having a healthy self-image about your body. That chapter is called, "Why Sister Kluwer Needs A Better Self-Image About Her Body".

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

While I'm Gone, We'll Have A Guest Bishop

Next week I will be unable to attend our ward. My family and I will be in Lubbock Texas. As you know, each summer we spend a week there, visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

While I am away this year, I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop" rather than let my responsibilities fall to our mostly capable 1st counselor, Brother Ted Malloy and our second counselor, Brother Garvey Evensborough II.

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

I'll just tell you that Brother Evensborough II didn't seem to mind one bit, but brother Malloy was irate. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come to church next week out of spite. If you ask me, he's acting like a baby.