Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Brother Samuelson Calls A New Family To Welcome Them To The Ward

Brother Samuelson welcomes a new couple to the ward and asks them if they want to come over and listen to Fibber Mcgee and Molly.

Easy Listening

Does the Lord love easy listening music more than other kinds? I believe the answer to that is yes.

Monday, September 29, 2008

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Praying to Mitt Romney

Vote for our site - It's a commandment

If you care at all about your salvation (Heaven's going to be awesome!) then I recommend you vote for this blog. We've been nominated for something. I'm not sure what. Probably something about how spiritual our ward is. I think the award is probably something like, the whole ward will get translated.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Brother Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Scones

Take the Homeless Boating, Take Them Boating

You know how, when you think about the homeless, you always think about giving them a new pair of socks, or helping them get a burr out their beard? Those things are nice, but sometimes the homeless like to just let their hair down and have a good time. That's why we're going to have a"Take the Homeless Boating" night. We tried this last year and it was a great success.

Thanks to all the homeless that showed up last year:
Lug nut
Captain Scabs
Lady Cha-cha
Ricketts McGhee
Mr. Shiny
Lord Vagabond
Dave Norley

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Royal Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Bake Sale

Brother Royal Samuelson, Executive Secratary, makes a call to clarify something about the ward bake sale. It's not the ward get baked sale.

Baby Blessing

Last Sunday, Justin Gorble blessed their sweet little daughter, Cassie. Justin informed me there were quite a few things he forgot to mention in the blessing. And while they won't "count" now, he did want me to mention to the ward some of the things he wishes he would have remembered to say.

...And Cassie, we bless you to never use swear words until you're at least 21, and then only if you're in a play about coal miners. We bless you to be extra kind to Chinese people. They seem to hardly ever get a break. We bless you to not marry anyone named Butch. That name alone should tell you all you need to know.

We bless you to be healthy, and if you do get an anal fissure, it won't be until you are at least 93 years old. We bless you to not get vanity license plates.

We bless you to be able to keep from bursting into laughter whenever you meet people that say they went to LDS business college. We bless you to be a good speller.

You come from a long and proud line of Gorbles. Never forget that you are a Gorble. While the name may be a little silly and sort of sounds like an overweight person with a double chin, you should still be proud of your heritage and just be glad your last name isn't Siemens.

We bless you, that, if during your lifetime, someone figures out a way for humans to become invisible, you will use this power for good, never for evil. Satan will try and tempt you to become invisible and go to movies without paying for them. Resist this temptation.

We bless you to avoid getting an email address that sounds like you're a stripper. We bless you to be kind to animals, but never try to elect one to political office.

We bless you that you will have a beautiful singing voice that will lift the spirits of many through the power of music. Learn well the songs of Karen Carpenter. These songs will bless the lives of so many people at the old folks home if you can just get over the smell and humble yourself to go there and perform.

We bless you to have good memorization skills but also be good at ping-pong and hacky sac.

And finally, we bless you to look good in pink, but also in orange and brown.

I liked it better way back when

Why do all the movies have to have so many sexual overtones and explosions these days? Why don't they make the movies like they used to where they left it up to your imagination whether or not one or both of the people on screen had a venereal disease?

Friday, September 26, 2008

That was one good sacrament meeting

If you weren't there in sacrament meeting last Sunday, boy oh boy did you miss a great meeting. I don't remember what anyone talked about, but we got out five minutes early. That gave me some extra time to shake some hands and squeeze in an extra bishop's interview. I won't tell you who it was, but I will tell you that she will be coming in next week too, and the week after that. And she drives a blue Lexus.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why I have so much humility

As many of you know, while I don't technically feel like I'm better than you, I do feel like I excel, in many areas, more than most people. I'm very good with home financing, for example. I'm very frugal, but not cheap. I do enjoy an expensive meal at the Olive Garden from time to time, but I can also enjoy myself at Del Taco. I don't brag, but I do feel comfortable talking about how I can most likely beat you in Scrabble or Badminton.

Is that wrong? No. Because I talk about it as a way of getting you to be a better person. It's all in the reason why I do it. If I was doing it to vaunt myself above you or for gloating purposes, then yes, it would be wrong.

But I learned at an early age that it's so much more helpful to talk about your superiority with humility. And I'm very good at it. It's just another one of my skills. Did I develop this skill overnight? I did not. I developed it over three nights after attending a seminar 20 years ago called "Humility: Good, but other skills are way better".

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Get to know your ward members

Dolly Frischknecht always loved her last name. That was because her mother used to tell her that is was Polish for "both regal and fragrant". Her mother was lying. It is, in fact, Polish, but the real meaning of the name is "I think I'm going to sneeze". It was years before Dolly learned the truth and when she did, became angry, then bitter, then angry, then sad, then giddy (that was only for a few minutes while she was riding a roller coaster at Lagoon) and then back to angry again. During this period of her life, she met the Mormon missionaries. They taught her about love and forgiveness and Dolly learned that when we are angry at others, the only one it hurts is ourselves. (Unless during the time we are angry, we sock the other person in the jaw).

Dolly has now been a member of the church for two years and is currently serving on the ward cafeteria planning committe.

I also want to point out that Dolly is nearly 7 feet tall. Freakish for a man, but even more so for a woman. Do not let that stop you from welcoming her in our ward. There is no place in our ward for looking at someone with a odd or strange trait that deep inside you are so glad you don't have, and treating them any differently because of it.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Buy holy clothes

If you want a t-shirt that says, "I am way more humble than you" or "Sexual innuendo on the rise" you can get one here. All proceeds go towards the ward boat fund. Perfect for back-to-school and endorsed by myself and Stake President Martin.

My conference talk

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Incentive program

Call me crazy, but I don't think there's anything wrong with our young missionaries giving their investigators an extra incentive for joining the church. I mean, what's wrong with letting them know that if they get baptized by next week, they'll throw in a delightful spa package for both the investigator and her husband valued at $550 and if they get baptized two weeks after that, they still get a prize, but instead of the spa treatment, it's a Cherie Call CD. If Cherie Call can't get them to join the church, I don't know what will. (Well, the spirit).

Cherie Call has a CD called Heart Made of Wind. Take that, gentiles.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Brother Mendelbaum is gross

Brother Mendelbaum thinks it's so funny to come out of the bathroom and then say, "Funny. I don't even remember eating corn." I think it's gross.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I'll Have To Ask The Stake President

Brother Meldon asked me a question on Sunday and I don't know the answer. He wanted to know if, in terms of sinning, "loud laughter" and "loud giggling" are the same thing. I'll have to ask the Stake President.

This Week's 406th least popular sin

Cattle Rustling

This Week's 387th least popular sin

Playing dice in the alley.

Ward Party Some Time Soon

Our ward party will be held the next time Alan Siepert, the ward liar, has to work nights. If someone could let me know his work schedule, that will really help moves things along.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Long time ward member Chuck Livingston finally changed her name last week. She was tired of being mistaken for a man (because of her first name Chuck, not because of the slight mustache) so she had it legally changed to Dawn.

She told me recently that she felt she had to wait for her mother to pass away before she could change it. She felt like her mother, Steve Livingston, wouldn't have been very happy about the change.

SIDENOTE: Sister Steve Livingston also had a noticeable mustache. It used to scare my son Nathan when he was younger.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Calling Dick Embry a jerk and calling Jerk Embry a dick.

Can you buy way your into the Kingdom of Heaven?

You can't buy your way into the kingdom of heaven. Unless, of course, your talking about the new theme park "Kingdom of Heaven" started by our own ward member, Kit Arteburger.

The Kingdom of Heaven is a new "spiritual themed" theme park. Get it? Spiritual is the theme of this theme park. Before you ride Noah's Ark (my favorite ride) you must first go to the barn and bring back two chickens or two pigs, or two of whatever animal you can gather in the barn. That'll teach you to disobey God's word! And the ride "Joseph Smith's Beard" isn't so much of a ride as it is a fun quiz game where you must root out fact from fiction and the subject is church history. Did Brigham Young have a third nipple? That's for you to decide when you visit "Joseph Smith's Beard".

Opens this Fall!

I'm dying to know

The cannery has called to let me know that someone in our ward left their car keys at the building. They were found after the last shift. They keys are described as having a skull and crossbones key ring, along with a rabbits foot, an owls foot, a vial of consecrated oil, a vial of sheep's blood and 7 separate keys. It looks like one of the keys is to a Toyota Corolla.

Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Please don't decide to not come forward and claim the keys just because you drive a Corolla. Lots of really neat people drive a Corolla. They are an affordable and parsimonious choice. Seriously. Please come get your keys. I'm dying to know who drives a Corolla. I promise I won't laugh. Out loud.

A restaurant for Mormons

My brother is making a new restaurant in Las Vegas just for Mormons. It's called "The International Ward House of Pancakes". I'll expect lots of whole grains, yum-yum.