Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Prophet Noah talks to his son

Thanks to our ward historian Verna Corber for passing along this ancient dialogue. Noah talks to his son on the second day of being on the arc.

Son: Dad, I was wondering if you could open the door and I could just go back outside for about 20 minutes.

Noah: Of course not! We're all sealed up and soon we'll be floating away. Honestly, boy, what is the matter with you?

Son: Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't 100% certain that it would actually rain. I mean, I  didn't mind helping with the arc because I thought it would be an awesome club-house if it didn't rain. And then we started getting all the animals, and I thought, holy smokes, my dad is really serious about this.

Noah: Of course I was serious about it. I'm serious about everything. I'm even serious about growing a beard.

Son: Yeah, nice beard.

Noah: Thank you son. I don't get told that very often.

Son: Well, I really do need to get out of the arc.

Noah: I already told you. The answer is no. We must stay in here until there is a sign from God. Why are you interested in leaving the arc?

Son: I want to run home and get a few extra sweaters.

Noah: Sweaters?

Son: Well, yeah. Like I said, I didn't really think we'd be going through with this so I didn't pack very much stuff, and it's a lot colder in this arc than I thought it would be. I had no idea it would be this cold.

Noah: Well the answer is still No. If I let you go for a sweater, your sister will want to get out and go get a jade bracelet or some decorative ribbons.

Son: Why would she need decorative ribbons on a boat?

Noah: That's not the point. The point is, if I let you get out, others will want to get out and the next thing you know some of those sinners will want to get on the boat and we won't have enough room for them and the plan will be out of whack and God will say, why doth you stray from the path in the name of three sweaters?

Son: I can see where you might think that. But on the other hand, he might say, Oh, look how Noah is so good at being adaptive in difficult situations as they arise.

Noah: I doubt he'd say that. You don't know him like I do and I can honestly tell you that it's highly unlikely he'd say that.

Son: Hmmm….Ok. But how long do you think we'll be in here?

Noah: I don't know, but if I was to guess, I'd say five days. Six days, tops.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

This weeks's primary birthday

We have a birthday in primary this week! Can you guess which child it is?

He/she is going to be a comma for Halloween this year.
This person loves to eat cake with double the frosting
He/she has a pet ferret but his/her parents are worried it will die because this is his/her third one in less than a year.
This person's favorite place to visit is his/her grandparents in Palm Springs.
This person's least favorite place to visit is his/her other grandparents at the Golden Urn retirement center
He/she is already getting acne and she/he is only 11.
Limps to try and be funny (but it's not).
Loves to help his/her baby sister clean her room and cross the street and eat her candy if there's extra.
Favorite movie: Tangled.
Enjoys long walks on the beach. (At this age? Weird).
Refers to pants as slacks. (At this age? Weird).
Is weird.
Participates in every blood drive the ward has.
Loves to make pancakes and give her parents breakfast in bed.
When he/she grows up, wants to be a person "that works at a store".

If you guessed Ella Muggland, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Tyler Hamburgsly, you're right! Happy Birthday, Tyler!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Heaven's going to be awesome

One of the most spiritual websites on the internet (except, this website, and all the websites that sell CTR rings) just posted my list of some of the ways that heaven is going to be awesome. Read them here -

Note: The list can be used in Sunday School lessons about heaven related topics, but probably not appropriate to rub it into people's faces that you know will never get to heaven because of all their wanton sinning.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Baby Blessing

Brother and Sister Cassbaugh blessed their brand new daughter Zooey at their home last Sunday evening. It was a wonderful experience. Since they blessed her at their home, instead of at church, we will print the blessing here.

......We bless you to never snort while laughing. We bless you with the ability to like spicy food. Just think of the advantage you have over those that say salt is as spicy as they can handle

We bless you to properly choose a mate. And paint colors for your first house.

We bless you to be a good speller. Especially on your blog. People will crucify you for poor spelling and will think that if you can't spell very well you must be from Richfield, Utah.

We bless you to not get any serious diseases with hilarious names, like, Rickets, or Restless Leg Syndrome.

We bless you to have Chinese friends. We bless you avoid getting an eagle tattoo. Wait. What am I saying? We bless you to not get any tattoos at all. But if you must get a tattoo, we bless you to get one that is classic and timeless, like a cypress tree, or a cresting wave.

We bless you to discern right from wrong as well as right from left. And by left, I'm talking about liberals. And by liberals, I'm talking about anyone that supports socialist government programs, like government insurance, and city libraries.

This might be a good time to tell you that your mother and I are already so very proud of you. The nurses told us you were the smartest one-day-old baby they have ever seen. And we expect that to be the way your whole life will be. We expect that you'll be so much better than almost everyone you come in contact with. But be humble about it. Learn about humility from your parents. We are so humble. Our neighbors are idiots, but do you think we say that to their face? No. We do not. We just take them fresh tomatoes (when in season) and offer to have our maid help them bring in their groceries. But do you think they do that for us? Never. They don't even have a maid. Or a gardener. And believe me, they could use one. Wait until you are a couple years old and you can see their back yard. If there was a blue ribbon at that county fair for the biggest, most robust weeds, our neighbors would win with flying colors. And don't even get me started on their oldest son, Brig.

Humility. We bless you with humility. And with great hair. Your mother has great hair and watching her fling her hair from side to side as she walks down the street is like watching an angel come down from heaven. And so we bless you with great hair.

We bless you with the desire to do genealogy. Because we don't want to do it, and someone in our family should.

We bless you with the strength to stand up for yourself. If someone says, hey lady, come over here and carry my bags for me, we bless you with the wherewithal to say, no, I haven't finished my salad yet, and plus, I don't want to break a nail. And then we bless you to somehow end up marrying that guy, because he's a world traveler and tans easily. And when he asked you to carry his bags, he mistook you for someone else. And when he finds out who you really are, you will both laugh, and say, it was all just a silly misunderstanding. Romance, begin.

We bless you to use Twitter as a missionary tool. So many people on Twitter just talk about sports or a burrito they just ate. We bless you to use Twitter to talk about how this world is going to hell in a hand-basket and that we need to all do a better job of following the ten commandments. They're commandments, not suggestions, people!

We bless you to always respect your elders. Good social graces and the manners they grew up with will never go out of style. Well, curtsying probably has. Also, "swooning" is a lot less common.

We also bless you to be our favorite daughter.


Sunday, June 05, 2011

Ward Sponsor

Perhaps you've seen it listed on our sidebar over there to the right, but I wanted to bring your full attention to the fact that we now have our first ward sponsor and we are just delighted. Our ward sponsor is a wonderful company called A Little Bit Cleaner Carpet Cleaning. What's neat about it, is that there's probably a commandment about having clean carpet. You can watch the promotional piece here.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Beets and beds, or, the reason I'm so gosh darn happy

I was invited to participate in a religion conference last week and, of course, I jumped at the chance to tell people about our way of thinking and how fun it is to go boating on Saturday instead of Sunday. You know, people think of the commandments in two ways. Either they think of them as a restriction to their lifestyle, or they think of them as a restriction that will ultimately lead to happiness. And I'm in that group.

The commandments lead to happiness. There's no denying that. Helping, giving, taking your old bed to the Deseret Industries so that someone else can enjoy what you now hate, is really the way to peaceful living.

My mother in Texas lives right next door to the most unhappy man I've ever met. Last time I was visiting my mother I took this fellow some beets from my mother's garden and I asked him if he has ever donated an old bed to a second hand store. He said no. I told him that's probably why he was so unhappy and I gave him the beets. Now I don't know if I made a difference in his life. But that's not the point. The point is, I am so much happier than him. And I'm not better than him. That's not the point, either. But I am better at being happy. And I am better at giving away beets. And beds.

It's like my mother always says. It's better to beet a man, than to beat a man.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Calendar of events

The June calendar of events is available and can be seen here.

One item has been left off. It's the ward french horn concert. It's been left off the calendar because no one in our ward plays the french horn.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Those things for which we are thankful

So often when we say our prayers and say what we are thankful for (teeth, moms, freedom) we forget some of the small things that are just as important. What I'd like to do is suggest some things that you can start incorporating in your daily prayers that you may have overlooked. You can thank me later.

  • That tri-tip steaks are not made from Rhinoceros meat
  • Circulation
  • That someone else may have corns on their feet, but you don't
  • Meatloaf (the meat, not that loaf, the singer)
  • Stationery
  • Bouillon cubes
  • Lex De Azevedo
  • That dot matrix printers are now only used at hotels in Mexico and not around here
  • The laughter of a child
  • That you don't have triplets
  • Things that are fortified
  • That Jimmer is a Mormon
  • That you don't chew like a horse
  • That the stain came out
  • Plenty of parking whenever you go to Fillmore Utah
  • Wink, wink (I think you know what I'm getting at, here)
  • Soft rock
  • Sunsets, or your wife's clavicle -- You choose
  • Your properly formed ears 
  • Vivint. (Just kidding about this one!)
  • That someone else made this quilt

Pray on, brothers and sisters. And just as a reminder, do not direct your prayers to Mitt Romney. I think we've been over this before.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Lastest ward callings

Ward talent scout - Sister Carly Phelps
Jewish ambassador - Sister Julie Bachler
CTR ring re-sizer - Brother Kurt Wiest
Ward linen napkin folder (for our fancy parties) - Sister Sarah Dunster
Ward scape goat - still receiving revelation on this one
Ward calling caller - the Lord

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Brother Royal Samuelson

Our faithful executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, is calling to see if he can bring by a casserole. You can hear the call on the Modern Mormon Men blog here.

And remember, if you need to make an appointment with the Bishop, you need to call brother Tom Davis, secretary to the executive secretary, who will make an appointment with you to see our executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will be able to schedule your appointment with me.

All things are done in wisdom and order.

Monday, May 09, 2011

This weeks's primary birthday

Our birthday boy or girl this week:

  • Loves Ballet
  • Enjoys taking the family dog, Digler, on walks
  • Has on leg shorter than the other
  • Has been to Hawaii twice
  • Has never made his/her own bed without being asked
  • Thinks farting is funny (it's not, though)
  • Has memorized 14 scriptures from the Book of Mormon
  • Is related to Boyd K. Packer
  • Loves to play Angry Birds (duh, who doesn't)
  • Wet his/her pants twice last month at school
  • Is looking forward to growing a garden with the family this year.

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Arnie Vecks, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Sharley Taylor, you're right! Happy Birthday, Sharley.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Least popular Mother's Day gifts

  • Ball-peen hammer
  • One gallon drum of sea salt
  • Track jacket that you just got from the hall closet
  • Jergens hand lotion
  • Coupon book of 10 free hugs. Oh wait. Those are sort of popular.
  • Chinese/English dictionary
  • Baby chickens. (That's Easter, silly)
  • French horn
  • Coupon for 50% off your next Haitian child adoption
  • Paxil
  • 1984 Ford Festiva

Monday, May 02, 2011

New Ward Sponsor

Our newest sponsor:

My eyes are wet. My heart is full. My pants are dry. Testimony brand adult diapers. These diapers are true.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

New service at Deseret Industries

The Deseret Industries will now be offering lightly used food that still has plenty of use. I haven't been there myself, yet, but brother Billington reports that a sandwich he got there was delicious "all except the mayonnaise".

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oxen Auction

Brothers and sisters, get your shoulders out. It's time to put them to the wheel. That's right, it's almost time for our annual pioneer trek. And just as we've done in the past, this year you will once again be required to supply your own oxen.

It has been difficult in the past for many of you to secure the oxen, but I have recently discovered an outfit in Wyoming that has an oxen auction every month. The fellow I spoke with said that if he gets enough business, he'd be willing to have the oxen auction more often.

Pioneer hand-cart treks. Hooray!

Monday, April 18, 2011

This week's birthday in primary

Guess who! This week, the child in our primary that has a birthday:

  • Loves princess movies 
  • Loves to play jacks 
  • Has 10 out of the 13 articles of faith memorized 
  • Has buck teeth 
  • Wants a pony for her birthday and also a real sword 
  • Wet the bed until she was 6 years old 
  • Can play 8 songs on the piano 
  • Favorite American Idol of all time is Brooke White 
  • Laughs uncontrollably whenever she hears someone talk about an anal fissure 

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Jerry Tillbaum, you are so wrong. He's not even in primary. But if you guessed Kasey Henderman, you're right! Happy birthday, Kasey!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

General Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams

Ask the Sunbeams 

Question: What was your favorite part of conference?
Hannah Givens: I can touch my eyeball!

Question: What did President Monson talk about?
Emmy Thompson: Guess what. Did you know chickens can't fart?

Question: Did you hear anyone talk about ways to be more like Jesus?
Adam Westing: This one time, I heard my mom and dad argue about how come my dad always came home late and how come he got off work at 6 but didn't come home until 8 sometimes and another time they weren't arguing at all but their door was locked and they kept telling me to leave them alone.

Friday, April 15, 2011

...And I'm thankful for Mormon blogs...

We often hear in conference about how the media is so full of filth, that video games are rotting our brain, that Jennifer Anniston really wants a baby, and it makes you wonder, where can I turn for constant content that is both uplifting, and thought provoking?

Well, our prayers have been answered. No, Lex De Azevedo didn't start a blog. But some other nice young men have. Mormon men. Modern Mormon Men. And they call their blog "What would Lex De Azevedo Say?" Just kidding. They call it Modern Mormon Men.

There's a warm feeling in my bosom about this.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Scout Camp Physical

Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, makes phone calls for the bishop.

8th most popular sin this week

Telling that pretty girl in your class with the spider tattoo on her ankle that when she plays her guitar and sings Colbie Caillat songs, it gives you an eargasm.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Golden Urn Retirement Center

As you may know, since our ward boundaries have recently changed, the Golden Urn Retirement Center is now part of our ward family. Which means we'll be helping them out with their annual yard sale this year.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I've been before to their yard sale before, and it seems like all there is for sale are crutches and glass figurines. A fellow can only buy so many tiny glass elephants. Still, we help. We give. And in the end, the smell will eventually come out of our clothes.

Monday, April 11, 2011

What would Jesus do?

We are taught to ask, what would Jesus do, on occasions when we are stumped about the right choice in any given situation. It's a very good question. Yet, it's also important to ask, how much would Jesus tip, and then this question: if leprosy was more rampant in our society, do you think that anyone on Celebrity Apprentice would have it?

Saturday, April 09, 2011

This month's service project

I just wanted to remind all the parents of the youth in our ward that this month's service project will be to trim the ear hair off some of the shut-ins. We'll meet at the church at 5pm instead of 7pm on account of their early bed times.

Friday, April 08, 2011

New Calling: Ward Listener

So many times in our lives we get to thinking about how we can make life better for our wife, so we'll buy her a new blouse, or we'll bring home a transient for dinner to show her we have a compassionate side. But so often, all they need is to have someone to talk to. And I mean someone besides their therapist or their yoga instructor or the girl that comes to the door to sell magazines for the high school band.

And that's why we've called brother Melvin Fardley as ward listener. He just got his hearing aid replaced and has assured me that his hearing problems are a thing of the past.

Give him a call. The volume knob on his hearing aid goes to eleven.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Ask the Bishop

Question: Bishop, how do you get over your addictions?

Answer: Do you mean my love of boating and my insatiable appetite for spending time with my family? I embrace it, but I don't covet bigger boats. You can really get in the trap of looking at what others have and saying to yourself, I could really be happy with those bigger boats. But you just can't let yourself think that way. You just have to be happy with what you've got. Bigger boats are not always the answer. Sometime you'll be at the lake and say, man, those girls over there on that dock have got some really big boats. But sometimes it's important to remember that they probably had someone else pay for those boats and didn't buy them on their own.

And prayer. Prayer is the answer to so many things. But do you know what it's not the answer to? It's not the answer to this question--How much Cayenne should I put in my chili? The answer to that question is 2 teaspoons.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Get to know your ward members

Garvin Hebler has just moved in the ward. He is very difficult to be around, but that's no reason we should not love him any less than we love any of our other ward members, like, say, sister Kerby or that lady that always wears purple. I wish I could remember her name. I think it rhymes with "Cornish".

I called brother Hebler and asked him to introduce himself to the ward and tell us a little bit about himself. Here is brother Hebler's response.

Arrrrrrrr! Why don't you leave me alone. I just cooked up a plate of hot spam and I don't want to be bothered. Ok. If you must know something about me, I was the one that came up with the phrase "In God we trust. All others pay cash". Now quit calling me. That's it. I'm getting caller ID.
Welcome to the ward, brother Hebler, you crazy old son of a gun.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

If there's anything that makes me want to be Bishop again, it's this

Here's a comment I recently received:

As a currently serving stake president I must say that I am completely disgusted at the content of this blog.

Here's what I wrote back:

To the person serving as Stake President that is disgusted at the content of the blog, all I have to say is thank you for your kind words of encouragement. So many of the comments we get are mostly about how great this blog is and how the spirits of the saints have been lifted by reading this.

Many faithful have come here as a refuge from the world of garbage and trash, like that show on TV with Snooki. Then, they leave a comment and mention how this blog has helped them become a better person. In fact, one person, after reading this blog, decided to adopt a chinese baby instead of her previous plan of just getting a dog. (It was going to be a Yorkshire Terrier).

Your comment has given me the inspiration to want to continue the blog and do something about the disgusting content. You will be happy to know that I've already removed 3 out of the 10 pictures showing cleavage on this site! I will ask our own Stake President, President Martin (he's very tall and I like many of his suits) if he will make me Bishop again. I doubt he will. But it doesn't hurt to ask. Thank you for reading. Just like Jesus, we appreciate every person.

Also, Stake President, thanks so much for letting me know you are a Stake President. I'm so impressed! If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought you were only a cub master. Bless you.

If there's anything that makes me want to be called as Bishop again, it's that fellow's encouraging words.