Thursday, May 26, 2011

Beets and beds, or, the reason I'm so gosh darn happy

I was invited to participate in a religion conference last week and, of course, I jumped at the chance to tell people about our way of thinking and how fun it is to go boating on Saturday instead of Sunday. You know, people think of the commandments in two ways. Either they think of them as a restriction to their lifestyle, or they think of them as a restriction that will ultimately lead to happiness. And I'm in that group.

The commandments lead to happiness. There's no denying that. Helping, giving, taking your old bed to the Deseret Industries so that someone else can enjoy what you now hate, is really the way to peaceful living.

My mother in Texas lives right next door to the most unhappy man I've ever met. Last time I was visiting my mother I took this fellow some beets from my mother's garden and I asked him if he has ever donated an old bed to a second hand store. He said no. I told him that's probably why he was so unhappy and I gave him the beets. Now I don't know if I made a difference in his life. But that's not the point. The point is, I am so much happier than him. And I'm not better than him. That's not the point, either. But I am better at being happy. And I am better at giving away beets. And beds.

It's like my mother always says. It's better to beet a man, than to beat a man.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Calendar of events

The June calendar of events is available and can be seen here.

One item has been left off. It's the ward french horn concert. It's been left off the calendar because no one in our ward plays the french horn.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Those things for which we are thankful

So often when we say our prayers and say what we are thankful for (teeth, moms, freedom) we forget some of the small things that are just as important. What I'd like to do is suggest some things that you can start incorporating in your daily prayers that you may have overlooked. You can thank me later.

  • That tri-tip steaks are not made from Rhinoceros meat
  • Circulation
  • That someone else may have corns on their feet, but you don't
  • Meatloaf (the meat, not that loaf, the singer)
  • Stationery
  • Bouillon cubes
  • Lex De Azevedo
  • That dot matrix printers are now only used at hotels in Mexico and not around here
  • The laughter of a child
  • That you don't have triplets
  • Things that are fortified
  • That Jimmer is a Mormon
  • That you don't chew like a horse
  • That the stain came out
  • Plenty of parking whenever you go to Fillmore Utah
  • Wink, wink (I think you know what I'm getting at, here)
  • Soft rock
  • Sunsets, or your wife's clavicle -- You choose
  • Your properly formed ears 
  • Vivint. (Just kidding about this one!)
  • That someone else made this quilt

Pray on, brothers and sisters. And just as a reminder, do not direct your prayers to Mitt Romney. I think we've been over this before.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Lastest ward callings

Ward talent scout - Sister Carly Phelps
Jewish ambassador - Sister Julie Bachler
CTR ring re-sizer - Brother Kurt Wiest
Ward linen napkin folder (for our fancy parties) - Sister Sarah Dunster
Ward scape goat - still receiving revelation on this one
Ward calling caller - the Lord

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Brother Royal Samuelson

Our faithful executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, is calling to see if he can bring by a casserole. You can hear the call on the Modern Mormon Men blog here.

And remember, if you need to make an appointment with the Bishop, you need to call brother Tom Davis, secretary to the executive secretary, who will make an appointment with you to see our executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will be able to schedule your appointment with me.

All things are done in wisdom and order.

Monday, May 09, 2011

This weeks's primary birthday

Our birthday boy or girl this week:

  • Loves Ballet
  • Enjoys taking the family dog, Digler, on walks
  • Has on leg shorter than the other
  • Has been to Hawaii twice
  • Has never made his/her own bed without being asked
  • Thinks farting is funny (it's not, though)
  • Has memorized 14 scriptures from the Book of Mormon
  • Is related to Boyd K. Packer
  • Loves to play Angry Birds (duh, who doesn't)
  • Wet his/her pants twice last month at school
  • Is looking forward to growing a garden with the family this year.

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Arnie Vecks, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Sharley Taylor, you're right! Happy Birthday, Sharley.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Least popular Mother's Day gifts

  • Ball-peen hammer
  • One gallon drum of sea salt
  • Track jacket that you just got from the hall closet
  • Jergens hand lotion
  • Coupon book of 10 free hugs. Oh wait. Those are sort of popular.
  • Chinese/English dictionary
  • Baby chickens. (That's Easter, silly)
  • French horn
  • Coupon for 50% off your next Haitian child adoption
  • Paxil
  • 1984 Ford Festiva

Monday, May 02, 2011

New Ward Sponsor

Our newest sponsor:

My eyes are wet. My heart is full. My pants are dry. Testimony brand adult diapers. These diapers are true.