Saturday, August 15, 2009

New Ward Callings

Ward Doubter - Susy Balaz
Ward Bee-keeper - Bea Voight
Ward Book-keeper - Roger McBinder
Ward Massage Therapist specifically for our ward humpbacks - Dorothy Callup
Ward Blister Popper - Vic Gourlen

Heaven's going to be awesome

One thing that's going to be so great about heaven is that 80 - 90% of the radio stations will play soft-rock and Zig Ziggler. It's going to be awesome.

Ask the Bishop

Question: My wife and I can't decide if we should get a Prius. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer: Not about that. But I do have a great suggestion. Have you ever tried ground beef sprinkled over the top of tator-tots? Throw on a little grated cheese and sour cream? Now that's something you and your wife should try. Both delicious, and easy to make. Take that, shepherd's pie.

The muck and mire and the possibility of fabulous hair

So often in life we get bogged down in the various bogs and muck and mire of everyday living. And by bogs, I mean sins. And by muck, I mean a lack of faith. And by mire, I mean bogs.

Which is why I'm so happy that Sister Flambertson has created a new product she's calling Restitution Shampoo and Conditioner. And while it won't actually get rid of any of your sins, at least you'll great hair. Because there's nothing worse than low self esteem because of all your sins, and then to top it off, you also have ridiculous hair.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Twenty Third Most Popular Sin This Week

Lusting after the girl at the DMV with the low cut shirt reading the book "Miracle of Forgiveness" and trying to imagine what sin she committed to warrant her reading the book.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Favorite Scripture Story

I love that story in the scriptures when Jonah is swallowed by a whale and when he's in the belly of the whale, he sees Pinocchio in there too and promises him that if they get out alive, he will help him find Geppetto in Ninevah.

Favorite Scripture

Oh, I was just thinking of that great scripture story--I don't know where it is, but it's that one about Damon and Pythias. Pythias had committed a crime. He probably stole a fancy robe or a lute. As punishment, he is sentenced to death. (Yikes!) But before that, he asks the king (or whoever) if he could just run home and make sure the oven is turned off. Right then, you know, if that king says yes, he is an idiot because they didn't even have ovens back then. But the king says yes, as long as Damon will stay in his place. This is when you get the suspicion that the king might be gay, because he says that for most of that time, he'd like Damon to sit on his lap. So when Pythias never returns it doesn't matter because by that time, the King and Damon have been getting along so well. In fact, they decide to open a shop for the peasant people and serve them low cost meals of duck and hard to find cheese.

And from that we learn that you never know who will be your friend, so don't judge people based on status. Judge them on other things, but not status.

Favorite Scripture

I don't remember what scripture it is, or where it's found, but I love the one about the itsy-bitsy spider that goes up the water spout and then the rain comes down which he realizes is symbolizing his need to repent of his smoking.

Well, now who will milk the cows?

What the youth of the ward don't seem to understand is that we got those milk cows just for them. Remember how we all said that if we got some cows we could teach the youth the value of hard work, then the McCallister boys would quit back-talking in Sunday school and that the Nebeker girl might see the value in showering more often? That's what we all discussed and our plan was a good one. And now those bloated cows are getting sick and those darn youth, with their texting and their fashionable slacks say they don't have time to milk cows. They say milking cows is old fashion and that it isn't fun and that it stinks and that someone stole the stool so how are they supposed to sit down? So many complaints.

So should we go to plan b? Breeding minks?

Provident Living

Kathy Barkin is conducting a seminar this week that's perfect for the times in which we live. It's called "Secrete Your Way To Provident Living". She will teach you how to make candles from ear wax. That'll really help you and I cut down on our candle budget.