Sunday, October 11, 2009

This week's 49th least popular sin

Setting up a website where people can vote on which one of your friends most resembles a gargoyle

Saturday, October 10, 2009

All Things To Be Done In Order

If you'd like to make an appointment with the bishop, you need to see Tom Davis, who is the secretary for the executive secretary. He'll make an appointment for you to see the executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will then schedule your bishop's appointment.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Mr. Wiggles has swine flu

Our ward dog, Mr. Wiggles, has swine flu. Do not let him lick you for at least two weeks. On a related note, do not let Mr. Chetlum lick you either. But really, I'm guessing you already knew that.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, my grandpa is always getting after me for wearing a hat inside the house and for not wearing a suit whenever I go to a play or some kind of cultural event. I say he's just old fashioned and living in the past and that times have changed and that's why, when you buy blue jeans now, they have the rips already in them. They didn't do that back in horse and buggy days. Take that, grandpa. Anyway, Bishop, what do you say about wearing a hat in the house?

Answer: I'd say you are quite a rude person, talking to your grandfather that way. Rude. If there's one thing I know about heaven, it's that there won't be any rude people there. And there certainly won't be any hat wearing. Does that answer your question?

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

A dream I had

Last night I had a dream that my son Nathon kidnapped and then forced Lex De Azevedo to watch the Beyonce video Single Ladies (put a ring on it). In the dream, Lex De Azevedo had a heart attack. All I can say is that I'm glad it was just a dream.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Help the ward

One thing you might not know about Marvin Cooley (he's way too modest to tell you) is that he once went to prison for 13 years because of credit card fraud. One thing you probably do know about him is that he is so insecure about his weight. So why don't all of you go up to him this week if you get a chance and let him know that you know at least two or three people that are way fatter than him. That bit of good cheer will really go a long way, I'm sure.

Monday, October 05, 2009

You must be kidding me

Can you believe it's already been one year since our ward had this great idea? You must be kidding me.

It was just a rumor afterall

I had heard a rumor that Ryan Seacrest would be hosting General Conference this year in an effort to get the young kids and non-members to pay attention. Well, as you know by now, that was just a rumor. I really had my hopes up.

Education week

Education week at BYU was a couple months ago, and, wow. That's all I can say. Wow. The learning, the spirit. I think that heaven is going to be a lot like education week, only with smaller lines at the cafeteria.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Guest Post - Nathan Higgins (the Bishop's son)

Are you like me? Do you love to serve your fellow men and even more so, your fellow women? I love to serve my fellow women. I like to mow their lawns, help them apply for college grants, and give them advice on which bonds to invest their money. In fact, serving my fellow women is one of the things I do best. I'm also good at holding on to the iron road and scripture memorization. I haven't always been like this. When I was four years old, my mother tells me I only had six scriptures memorized and one of them wasn't even a scripture. It was "be kind, rewind" which I only assumed was a scripture because it was about being kind.


Friday, October 02, 2009

Just for the little kiddies

We've been having more discussions about holding a kiddie sacrament meeting. This would be a meeting just for those ages 6 and under. We'd call a kiddie bishop and everything. No one would allowed in kiddie sacrament meeting that was over the age of 6, so frankly, it would turn into a free-for-all. That's our only hang up right now. How to establish order amongst the little ones, without actually having to be there. Imagine how much more spiritual our own meeting will be without the Tepworth twins constantly running up in the choir seats, calling out, "I will only go pee if someone holds my hand!"

Thursday, October 01, 2009

General update

Well, it's been a fairly slow week in the ward this week. Violet Ranchin came in complaining about her ward calling again, but honestly, she comes in every week. I only mention it because she's not keeping it a secret from anyone. In fact, I noticed she's passed out fliers around the neighborhood listing her top five complaints about the ward, and then at the bottom of the flier, a poem from John Keats about death.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

We never knew thee

Colby Matheson has come just published the third volume of pioneer history. This one deals with a topic that's rarely mentioned. Barn dancing. It's called, "Pioneer Barn Dancing: We never knew thee". In bookstores now.

How I Love Provo

I was thinking this morning about how much I love Provo and in fact, I've come up with some slogans. Which is your favorite?

Provo, Utah! Radiant. Clean. Asleep by 10:30.


Provo, Utah! Spreading homogeneity since 1902.


Provo, Utah! If unicorns were real, this is where they'd live.


Provo, Utah! Diversity can kiss our bums.


Provo, Utah! Some of us enjoy boating.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

New Ward Callings

Ward Doubter - Susy Balaz
Ward Bee-keeper - Bea Voight
Ward Book-keeper - Roger McBinder
Ward Massage Therapist specifically for our ward humpbacks - Dorothy Callup
Ward Blister Popper - Vic Gourlen

Heaven's going to be awesome

One thing that's going to be so great about heaven is that 80 - 90% of the radio stations will play soft-rock and Zig Ziggler. It's going to be awesome.

Ask the Bishop

Question: My wife and I can't decide if we should get a Prius. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer: Not about that. But I do have a great suggestion. Have you ever tried ground beef sprinkled over the top of tator-tots? Throw on a little grated cheese and sour cream? Now that's something you and your wife should try. Both delicious, and easy to make. Take that, shepherd's pie.

The muck and mire and the possibility of fabulous hair

So often in life we get bogged down in the various bogs and muck and mire of everyday living. And by bogs, I mean sins. And by muck, I mean a lack of faith. And by mire, I mean bogs.

Which is why I'm so happy that Sister Flambertson has created a new product she's calling Restitution Shampoo and Conditioner. And while it won't actually get rid of any of your sins, at least you'll great hair. Because there's nothing worse than low self esteem because of all your sins, and then to top it off, you also have ridiculous hair.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Twenty Third Most Popular Sin This Week

Lusting after the girl at the DMV with the low cut shirt reading the book "Miracle of Forgiveness" and trying to imagine what sin she committed to warrant her reading the book.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Favorite Scripture Story

I love that story in the scriptures when Jonah is swallowed by a whale and when he's in the belly of the whale, he sees Pinocchio in there too and promises him that if they get out alive, he will help him find Geppetto in Ninevah.

Favorite Scripture

Oh, I was just thinking of that great scripture story--I don't know where it is, but it's that one about Damon and Pythias. Pythias had committed a crime. He probably stole a fancy robe or a lute. As punishment, he is sentenced to death. (Yikes!) But before that, he asks the king (or whoever) if he could just run home and make sure the oven is turned off. Right then, you know, if that king says yes, he is an idiot because they didn't even have ovens back then. But the king says yes, as long as Damon will stay in his place. This is when you get the suspicion that the king might be gay, because he says that for most of that time, he'd like Damon to sit on his lap. So when Pythias never returns it doesn't matter because by that time, the King and Damon have been getting along so well. In fact, they decide to open a shop for the peasant people and serve them low cost meals of duck and hard to find cheese.

And from that we learn that you never know who will be your friend, so don't judge people based on status. Judge them on other things, but not status.

Favorite Scripture

I don't remember what scripture it is, or where it's found, but I love the one about the itsy-bitsy spider that goes up the water spout and then the rain comes down which he realizes is symbolizing his need to repent of his smoking.

Well, now who will milk the cows?

What the youth of the ward don't seem to understand is that we got those milk cows just for them. Remember how we all said that if we got some cows we could teach the youth the value of hard work, then the McCallister boys would quit back-talking in Sunday school and that the Nebeker girl might see the value in showering more often? That's what we all discussed and our plan was a good one. And now those bloated cows are getting sick and those darn youth, with their texting and their fashionable slacks say they don't have time to milk cows. They say milking cows is old fashion and that it isn't fun and that it stinks and that someone stole the stool so how are they supposed to sit down? So many complaints.

So should we go to plan b? Breeding minks?

Provident Living

Kathy Barkin is conducting a seminar this week that's perfect for the times in which we live. It's called "Secrete Your Way To Provident Living". She will teach you how to make candles from ear wax. That'll really help you and I cut down on our candle budget.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Ward Update

We had another Kidney Drive this last week and kept the same theme as last year: A Kidney For Everyone. We had the youth of the ward visit all the able bodied members of the ward to see if they had a kidney they were willing to give up. 13 members of the ward were willing to donate kidneys and we appreciate your willingness to help others.

Speaking of helping others, I sure do put in a lot of hours serving the ward and normally I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm realizing that no one else will (except sister Elizabeth Cardoon every time she gives her testimony and honestly, it's starting to freak me out) so that's why I've decided to every once in a while just mention a few things I've done to help, that would otherwise go unnoticed. For example, after we handed out the packets of seeds to all the mothers on mother's day, I took the remaining seeds to all the shut-ins that live in our ward that have never had the pleasure of baring children. I included a sweet note that said, "I hope that by planting these seeds and seeing them grow, that it won't remind you of your own barren womb. Instead, I hope they smell good and you'll get to use one of the senses God has given you."

That's just one of the nice things I did this week, out of so many.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: How can something that feels so good be so wrong?

Answer: Well, I'll need you to be more specific, but if you're talking about wearing Sansabelt Slacks, there's nothing wrong at all. In fact, I'm wearing a pair right now.

New Callings This Week

Ward Fireman - Cal Nesbit
Ward Steward - Stewart Ward
Ward Costume Designer - Ben Noland
Ward Ear Nose and Throat Specialist - Mel Selcho
Ward Scape Goat - Trevor Kennard

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Get To Know Your Ward Members

In his own words, today's profile comes from Norman Wagler.

Growing up with one leg shorter than the other wouldn’t have been so bad, but I also had a hook for a hand. So many people thought I limped because the hook was so heavy. They had no idea that at age ten, bone was removed from my left leg, just below the knee. That’s why one leg was shorter than the other. Not because I was born that way. I wasn’t. I was born with both legs the same length and I used to be able to wear pants right off the rack with no need for alterations. Then the hook hand. That’s a whole other story. Don’t get me started on the hook hand. But can you believe I met and married a girl that also has a hook hand. And a baboon heart. Boy, are we a pair. A match made in heaven. A match made in heaven and in the hospital. We’ve got so many health problems we may as well live in a glass room at the hospital where doctors can probe and observe us all day. (Obviously, there would be a curtain we’d pull during certain intimate times between the two of us. I probably shouldn’t say this--no I won’t say it. Well ok. I’ll tell you. She loves sex.)

Her name is Martha. Lovely, isn’t it. Admit it. When you hear the name Martha, you don’t just assume that’s a person with a hook hand. I mean, if you got a call from your office partner and he said, “Guess what. I’m going on a date with a girl named Martha.” I’ll bet you don’t think, “Martha, huh. Try not to get your fancy shirt snagged on the hook.” Your first thought is probably something like, flowers or baked apple pie or a sunset on a beach that doesn’t smell like rotting fish. That’s Martha.

We met at a support group for people with prosthesis. I didn’t notice her at first because I was watching another girl demonstrate how quickly she could remove her prosthetic foot, use it to hit a whiffle ball in the air, then re-attach the foot and catch the whiffle ball in her mouth before it hit the ground. Impressive, to be sure. But the foot’s titanium and that has a lot to do with it. I didn’t notice Martha until I had attended the support group two more times.

Martha and I have been married for 17 years now. We don’t appreciate the stares we get when we walk down the street, hook in hook. But what can you do? You just deal with the cards you were dealt. Martha limps too, now. A condition that the doctors are calling a sympathy limp. I think it’s sweet. I think it’s a sign of her love and devotion for me. It’ll be nice when we both get to heaven and our bodies will be restored to their perfect state. And I’ll say to that other girl, let’s see you hit a whiffle ball now, hot-shot.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Have you ever done anything that would cause your parents to hang their head in shame?

Answer: Yes. And I'm sorry about what I did. I put extra pepper on my father's soup, knowing it would make him sneeze. And sneeze he did. He sneezed so hard his glasses fell in the soup. I had to go to bed without any supper and from that point on we were not allowed to have pepper in the house. I felt ashamed. To make up for it, I bought him something I thought he would enjoy. A cowboy hat. He did enjoy it, until he found out I had just used his money to buy him the hat. That's when we were no longer allowed to buy or wear hats or use each other's money. I really felt bad about that, so I decided to get up real early one morning and milk some cows. I had always heard farmers talking about how that would really teach a boy a lesson in hard work and responsibility. Get him up early and make him milk cows, they always said. So that's what I did. Afterward, I brought home the milk, thinking that my dad would be so proud of what I had done, but as it turns out, it was Sunday, and he was mad that I worked on Sunday. So from then on, we weren't allowing to drink milk. Now, what's the question you asked? How I get my calcium then? Oh, I take supplements. Thanks for asking. Good question.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, how come we can't play the drums in the chapel?

Answer: You can. If you don't mind settling for the telestial kingdom when you die.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, you know how people say "you can't take it with you"? What all does that include?

Answer: Mostly iPods, shoes, and decorative soaps. And everything else except your soul.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, why aren't there very many famous Mormon ventriloquists?

Answer: If you were going to ask me, why aren't there any famous Mormon strippers, I would have a really good answer for you. But ventriloquists? You got me there. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because that person might feel some guilt about where he has to place his hand in order for that puppet to perform.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Making your house a home

Tips on making your house a home.

1 - Give it a name. Something like, Gardeners Delight, or Walnut Villa. Believe me, that's going to go a long way to making your house a home. That suggestion right there could be good enough, but I've got more.

2 - In addition to your standard rooms-kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, family room--make certain you also have the following rooms: Conservatory, mud room, guest room, maid's quarters, music room.

3 - Never refer to anyone in the home as "wing-nut".

4 - Hang up pictures of a spiritual nature. Or of nature. Waterfalls can really do the trick, here.

5 - Hang up pictures of your children engaged in special projects, like the pine-wood derby, or making those little knit hats for starving kids somewhere.

6 - Never use a Hibatchi inside the home.

7 - Use Pledge regularly on all wooden surfaces.

8 - Sing the hymns often. Not just at home, but also in the car, or in the presence of non-members, particularly if they are smoking, or using crude language.

9 - Show kindness to each other. Instigate a system where once a week, someone gets a ballon.

10 - Take down the sign on your front door the previous owners put up that reads "Satan Welcome Here".

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Ask the Bishop

This week’s member question-

Bishop, what are some of the challenges you face as bishop, that I don’t have to face?

Now that’s a good question. I was going to say, going up a lot of stairs, but then you added “as bishop” so I was going to say “avoiding loud-laughter” and then you added “that I don’t have to face” so then I just sat there for a minute to make sure you weren’t going to add anything else, like “because I’m actually Jewish” or something like that. Good question, though. What do I face as bishop that you don’t have to face. Let’s see, there’s the constant nagging from Marlin Blatter about when I’m going to call him as the Elder’s Quorum President. You don’t have to deal with that. Let’s see, there’s the late night phone calls from Sister Cavenaugh, wondering if someone came to feed the cats. (She doesn’t have any cats). But I’d say the biggest challenge of all is balancing my time between my calling, my job, my hobbies, my family, my side-businesses, my writing, keeping up on this blog, my music, my lectures, my civic duties, my volunteer work down at the V.A hospital, my seat on the board of directors (three companies, really), my appearances at youth camps during the summer, and my Mormon Elvis impersonations. I’d say that’s probably my biggest challenge. Oh, and trying not to attract the wrong kind of attention when I wear those tight slacks my wife likes so much.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Telling a girl you're trying to impress that you have your own shark tank and taking her to Sea World and then getting there early and covering up the Sea-World sign with one of your own that says, "Nathan's super awesome shark that he bought with his own money".

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Today's profile is actually chapter 7 in Mickey Dulvont's biography called "There's No Dead Guys In Heaven". Please enjoy.

I used to spending the summer at Grandpa’s house. He wasn’t my real grandpa, but he was older than Pops and had a limp like so many other grandpas. Pops is my mom. Her real name is Penelope. I don’t remember where the name Pops came from but I’ve been calling her that since I was just a kid.

Summer at grandpa’s house was usually spent outside. Chasing frogs, climbing trees, and making mud huts, then decorating them with rugs and fancy lamps, and finding homeless people to occupy them. I guess that’s where my interest in charity work came from. Pops used to always tell me, "you’re a good kid and I sure wish you were mine". I was adopted and Pops used to bring that up a lot. She felt like there must have been some sin she was guilty of that kept her from being able to get pregnant. She used to list off some of the most serious sins she’d committed and ask which one we thought might be keeping her from having a child of her own.

One summer, just about a week before I was going to leave grandpa’s house and go back home, I met a girl named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I asked her why she had so many names and she asked me why I had so many freckles and I asked her why I’d never seen her before and she asked me if I’d ever seen a real dead person. I paused for a minute because I wondered if she was about to tell me where a dead person was. Then I said, “Really, why do you have so many names?” Funny thing, I don’t even remember what she said, but I do remember it had something to do with a Queen or gardening or something like that. Then, she took me over to the quarry and showed me a dead person.

Then next summer when I went back to Grandpa’s house I asked if he knew anyone named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. And he asked me if I’d ever seen a dead person. I told him about the quarry and that seemed to jar his memory because he then said, “Oh, that Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. You bet I know her. She just ran for mayor”. You better believe that came as quite a shock to me because when I had met her the summer before, I had assumed she was about my same age--14 years old. As it turns out, she had a disease that made her look really young. Much younger than her actual age. Turns out, she was 42. I told grandpa about how Eleanore Rose and I had kissed down by the quarry. He told me that he had also done the same. I threw up on my shoes. Not because of what grandpa said, but because of a really gross pickle I had just eaten.

For the rest of the week I tried to find Eleanore Rose, but didn’t have any luck. I later heard she died about that same time, and I never got to see her again.

I’ve never married, see, and that’s because my one true love was Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I believe that when I get to the celestial kingdom, we’ll run into each other. I’ll ask why she had to leave me and she’ll ask me why my knuckles are so nobby. I’ll ask her what the food is like in heaven and she’ll ask me if I want to go see a dead guy. Then we’ll both laugh real loud and long, because there’s no such thing as a dead guy in heaven.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Conference re-cap

Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams.

Question - What was your favorite part of conference?
Noah Tillen: How come I can't have a hampster?

Question - What did President Monson talk about?
Ellie Vorlet: I just swallowed a lego!

Question - Did you hear anyone talk about how to be more like Jesus?
Nye Horner: This one time, my cousins came to see us, and they live in St. George, so it takes them a long time to get here, so when they got here the first thing they needed to do was go the bathroom, but I was really excited to see them because we only get to see them about three times a year and my dad said that their dad didn't come because he doesn't like to ride long rides in the car but then my cousin said their dad didn't come because just before they were going to leave he got in a big argument with their mom and then he said, fine you wear the pants in the family and he took off his pants in the driveway and then went inside and my cousins have blond hair just like me.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Ward Update

Pretty good week so far, without too many funerals or spiritual slaps on the spiritual wrist. I drove around last night, getting some of the ward members to get their talents from under their bushel. I've said this before, but Sister McLewin has a really nice bushel, and she shouldn't be hiding anything under there.

We got a call from Sister McCallister earlier this week and some members of the Elder's Quorum went over there to help her move. As you know, she weights 400 pounds and she needed some help moving from the kitchen to the living room. They got that taken care of and if anyone knows of a good chiropractor, then be sure and let me know. (Someone other than Doctor Wells Kiplinger. No one can stand the smell in there).

This week the youth will be making minature scale models of handcarts. Then next week they'll be making minature people to pull those handcarts. Not too minauture, though. There's got to be room for the blisters! (Always teaching. Always teaching)

Bless you all.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Can't Carole Mikita speak in conference

We've all grown to love the after-conference reports that Carole Mikita puts together. It got me thinking--can't she speak in conference? I mean, imagine the wonderful visual aids and multi-media here you go there you go that she'd present to us all. Imagine the spirit you'd feel then.

My Conference Talk

The following is a reprint from last September. But we've had so many people move in to the ward since then, that I felt like it was worth repeating. Here goes:

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Ward Update

Slow week this week for funerals. Lots of the old people in our ward have already died or have moved out of the ward and into Elledge Manor (and them others are still, really hanging on). I still go visit them with my son Nathan. We take them corn paste and play old recordings of Fibber McGee and Molly.

Popular sins this week include some of the old standbys. Lusting, rage, and untoward groping.

Just so you know, we got the organ fixed. Too bad, too, because since it was broken we asked Dill Wicket to bring in his keyboard. I don't know about you, but I loved having the drum beat he added whenever we sang How Firm A Foundation.

Well brothers and sisters, keep holding firm on the rod on the straight and narrow but still reaching for the stars with your feet on the ground.

And this: I don't say it enough, but I love this ward. If this ward was a food, I bet it would be some kind of pot roast and a cheese plate.

What Your Children Are Saying - Q&A

Questions and answers from the CTR B class:

Teacher: How can we be more like Jesus?

Kallie Thueson: I can touch my eyeball
Tad Shirley: My dad has a beard on his back
Rachel Kauser: My mom has special medicine that only can you drink if you're a grown up

Monday, March 23, 2009

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Putting a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt (the three years ago Jennifer Love Hewitt) over the picture of your wife in that family picture that you've got hanging in the hall.

Celebrating our 273rd post!

Wow! Can you believe it? This is our 273rd post. This blog was started in 2006 and while there weren't many posts that year, there sure have been a lot since then. Who cares, you say? It's significant, because 273 is how old Joseph Smith would be if he were still alive and if he had been born in 1736!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Not everything has been invented yet

Just click on the historical document to view it larger

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pretty cool badger, dude

Pretty good week, this week, although I don't know that brother Topper Bottomus would say the same thing. Car trouble again and this time, not with the engine. Raccoons. They've been living in the backseat, and as you know, he delivers the Thrifty Nickle newspapers and so sometimes that back seat gets pretty crowded and cramped. Good thing he never had kids because where would they sit?

So he found out about the raccoons because of the badger. I didn't even know they lived in this area, but if anyone could attract a badger and a family of raccoons on accident, it would be Topper Bottomus.

Turns out those raccoons had been living in the car for about two weeks. One of the smaller raccoons of the bunch, got out during a routine stop on the newspaper route and went straight up to a badger and took a carrot right out of his mouth and ran back to the car. That badger took off after the raccoon and didn't catch up to him until he was in the back seat of Topper's car. Then a fight broke out.

This was all being witnessed by two teenagers. One of them slumps over more than my son Nathan and the other one slumps over even further than that. When Topper got back to the car and saw four dead raccoons and a live badger in the back seat, all those two boys said to him was, "Pretty cool badger you got there, dude".

Anyone in the ward need a badger?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ward Update

Pretty uneventful week, this week. No funerals. No one tried to steal the tithing money. And Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay, went on a date with a woman. Also, remember how our ward snake got out of it's case and couldn't be found anywhere? We found him. He was up by the organ. Little rascal was trying to play How Firm A Foundation. It's that snake's favorite hymn.

Now, tomorrow at church, let's all try to be extra nice to Sister Renee Thurber who just moved in to the ward. She doesn't have a calling yet but I thought it would be hilarious to call her as Scoutmaster. I won't, but I just thought it would be real funny.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Milking Cow

Click on the image to view it larger.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

How To Say I'm Better Than You

Nothing says, "I'm better than you" better than a super cool CTR ring that's better than the next guy. Thank goodness, then, for this site. Notice the Salt Lake Temple in the right upper-hand corner. That means they really love the Lord. And don't forgot the ICTDTRT rings we mentioned back in 2007.

Ward Auction

Big success at the ward auction on Saturday. If you weren't there, you really missed out. I just wanted to mention of few of the items that surprised me as being big ticket items. I would have thought no one would bid on these, but boy was I wrong.

1. Free annual polyp removal for life - Donated by Sister Jessica Cottle - $415
2. Cross-stiched sign reading "A back rub in the front room leads to a front rub in the back room". - Donated by Sister Trudy Cooper - $175
3. Interpretive statue of Lorenzo Snow's beard - Donated by Brother David Heap - $95
4. The quilt Tabitha Clawson slept with before leaving our ward for juvenile detention - Donated by Sister Clawson - $295

Friday, March 06, 2009

I'm a lot like Mitt

So many people tell me that I remind them of Mitt Romney.

We both like to spend quality time with our family. We both worship the same God. We both wear suits a lot. We both love to employ immigrants. We both ran for president of the United States--wait--never mind on that one. I didn't.

It's just that there are so many similarities between us, I sometimes don't know where the similarities begin and end. In fact, last year, there was one whole week where I told people by mistake that I grew up in Michigan and that my dad's name was George! Crazy. Truth is, I grew up in Texas and I have no idea who my dad is!

I've had people tell me I sound like him and that if my hair was as nice as his, we'd have similar hair. I've had people tell me I shake hands like him and some people have said if they didn't know Mitt Romney, they'd mistake me for him.

It's flattering, really, but when it comes down to it, I'm happy I'm me. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Not a doctor, not a photographer, not a guy working at home depot, not a rail road conductor, not a guy that goes around and reads the gas meter, and not an ex-governor of Michigan.

But still, I am a lot like Mitt. There's no denying that.

If Mitt Was In Our Ward

If Mitt Romney was in our ward, what calling do you think he should have?

I think he should be called as our ward president. Not the same as the bishop. The ward president would decide if we should go to war or not and he would write public policy and he would visit the troops if needed. He would also put his presidential seal on some documents and would ride in parades. And here's the part that may confuse some people. I would still forgive people, he would be the one that pardon's people.

I wonder why we don't already have someone in that position.

I also think Mitt would do a great job in primary.

My Conversation With Mitt Romney

I wonder what it would be like if I ever got to meet Mitt Romney. Would it go something like this?

Me: Hi Mitt. Nice to meet you.
Mitt: Call me "all holy one".
Me: What the--are you kidding?
Mitt: Why, I guess I am. How about that. I just said a joke! It wasn't funny. It's not like I'm Bill Cosby or George Burns anything, but I said something that wasn't meant to be taken serious. That's neat. I think I'll go brush my hair.
Me: But wait. I wanted to ask you about how to get to be perfect and should I buy a new boat or keep the one I've got.

I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney

Sometimes we just do what the brethren say. And that's the case in this case. I thought it would be a good idea to change the words to the popular primary song I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus to something that would teach the kids about role models in our day and age. So I thought I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney would be a perfectly good idea. Stake President Martin feels a little differently about it. He asked that we only sing the original version. I reluctantly agreed. So that's what we'll do. Sorry kids. I know some of you were very excited about it, as was I. We can still revere Mitt Romney. President Martin didn't have anything to say about that.

(I'll bet President Martin voted for Obama.)

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Remember The Ward Dinner This Week

Our ward dinner this week will be called "Steak Conference" and we'll be having steak. And ribs. And cake. Our "steak conference" will be held this Saturday, the day before Stake Conference. Plan on feeling the spirit both days, but only getting free meat on one of them.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I Don't Know The Answer To This

One of the ward members asked me a good question. I don't know the answer, but I'll open it up for all of you to give your oppinion. Here's the question.

If you come to this earth and are given the last name of "Plowman" will you get extra breaks when you go to heaven on account of having to go through life with the last name Plowman?

As I said, I don't know the answer. But I will say this. At least you name isn't Seimens. Or this would be hilarious. What if your name was Tim Nuggets. Ha ha ha. Tim Nuggets. Who would ever want to be named Tim.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Fish Sticks

There was a lively discussion in priesthood meeting this past Sunday. Some said that when Jesus fed a big crowd with only seven loaves of bread and two fishes, it might have gone something like this.

Disciple: Welcome to the sermon. Can I interest you in some bread and fish?
Sermon-goer: How much is it?
Disciple: Free! We're just giving it out willy-nilly.
Sermon-goer: How is the fish prepared?
Disciple: Breaded. In fact, it's actually a fish stick.
Sermon-goer: A fish stick? Uh....I'll just have the bread, thank you.
Disciple: Suit yourself.

This is not doctrine. Just something some of the brethren were tossing out as a possibility.

Ward Callings

The new ward callings this week are as follows:

Ward Locksmith - Shanon Papenfuss
Ward Dietitian - Tristan Jones
Ward Falconer - Kristen Danielson
Ward Peeping Tom - Thomas Peeping, Sr.

Friday, February 27, 2009

This week's 498th least popular sin

Standing in the kitchen nude while holding a plate of spaghetti in one hand, and a bowl of salad in the other, then juggling two squirrels and balancing a tea cup on your nose.

(Really, the only harm here is that the squirrels get dizzy and it's considered torture).

Thursday, February 26, 2009

No one said the pioneers got off easy

Pick the Sick

Ward quiz--Can you match the disease with the ward member currently suffering from that disease?

1. Dengue Fever
2. Rhabdophobia
3. Center Abdominal Groin Strain

A. Mitch Seldonhoff
B. Kathy Barkling
C. Don Wadler

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Pioneer disagreement

Monday, February 09, 2009

Get even more of my advice

I'm now on Twitter. Follow me.

This week's 6th most popular sin (Youth Edition)

Singing "Where Can I Turn For A Piece" instead of "Where Can I Turn For Peace" and telling your primary teacher you are "steadfast and bowelmoveable".


Sunday, February 08, 2009

Get To Know Your Ward Members

When Simon Sieman Jr. was a senior in high school, he always wore a cape. When Simon Sieman Sr. was a junior in high school he was an avid bug collector. Well, they've both just moved in the ward and they are still just as weird. But that's no reason for us to deny them a hand of fellowship. We'll just want to make sure and wash that hand, quickly afterwards. Any suggestions on what callings they should have?

Monday, February 02, 2009

Brother Samuelson, executive secratary calls a ward member

Click to view larger and read the text

Friday, January 30, 2009

New Calling Idea

Shopping on Sundays. I'm not going to deny that it happens. From time to time we all need something at the store on Sunday, whether it's toothpaste, ice cream for when the home teachers come over, feminine products for our wife, twine, light bulbs, NyQuil, printer cartridge, squirrel food, birthday candles, milk, or a hungry man TV dinner.

So, you go to the store and later feel guilty. Especially, because when you are there, you see three of your ward members doing the same thing. You look at each other with that uneasy glance. You try not to be seen as you check out what the other person is buying, then say to yourself, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't have waited until tomorrow to buy hair dye for your wife's mustache?" Meanwhile, they are doing the same thing, saying to themselves, "Are you kidding me? You're buying cup cakes? You should be buying carrots instead."

This is not helpful and does not bring us close together as a ward family. It doesn't have to be that way. So, I have a great new idea. We now have a new ward calling. This person will be our designated "Sunday shopper". If you have anything you need on Sunday, simply call this person and they will compile a shopping list. At 3:00pm every Sunday, they will go shopping for anyone in the ward that didn't use Saturday as a special day, a day to get ready for Sunday.

We are calling Ken Webster to this position. What a brilliant idea. I am so smart. I love to think of good ideas. Or, to hear them from someone else, and then use them for my own. Thanks, Ken.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ward Riddle

Question: In what way are Monty Altamonte's temple recommend and the TheraFlu in my medicine cabinet the same?

Answer: They both expired in 2003

Friday, January 23, 2009

That would sure be hilarious

You know how on Fast Sunday you refrain from eating or drinking for 24 hours? Wouldn't it be funny if you also refrained from going the bathroom for that same time period? Whew! Talk about breaking your fast.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This Week's Primary Birthday

Can you guess who are special primary birthday boy or girl is this week?

  • Got a St. Bernard for Christmas
  • Wants to be a bee-keeper or an architect when he/she grows up
  • Birthmark on his/her right shoulder that looks a little bit like Gabriel Kaplan, that guy on "Welcome Back Kotter"
  • Stuggles with math
  • His/her grandmother came up with the line "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash"
Did you guess Madge Ollen? Wrong. She's not even in primary anymore. Did you guess Jesse Calhoun? You're right! Happy birthday Jesse.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Member Quiz

To all the brand new members of the church, quick--answer this question!

Which of the following is a member of the Godhead

  1. Holy Smoke
  2. Holy Ghost
  3. Holy Toledo

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ward Dinner Has A New Name

Every year we have our January ward dinner and call it the New Year Dinner. Boring. This year, it's going to be called, "Sweet Hour of Sweet and Sour Pork". We'll be having sweet and sour pork.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

  • Ward blacksmith - Ric Wyman
  • Committee chairman on the committee to form committees - Karen Kerby
  • Ward horse trainer - Piper Nichols
  • Ward VHS to DVD specialist - Will Bryson
  • Ward fact checker - Kathleen Lentz
  • Ward attorney general - Brad Anderson
  • Ward butter churner - Tyler Leavitt

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Update on our "Tithing Elite" program

It's been nearly a year since we instigated our "Tithing Elite" program and it's been a huge success. Go here and read the post to find out how it got started and what it's all about. You'll also want to read the comments people left when we first started "Tithing Elite" because some people just don't catch the vision.

But that's neither here nor there. The exciting thing is that we have added new benefits to the "Tithing Elite" program. Here are the new benefits for 2009

  • Shuttle service to and from church
  • Complimentary breath mints (can be shared with brother Omel Dellacourte)
  • Either "Sexual Innuendo on the Rise" T-shirt, or "I am way more humble than you" T-shirt. Your choice.
  • Special copy of the ward directory showing the ages of everyone in the ward. (Sister Pinnegar is my same age? She looks so old).
  • Thorough beard combing. (Only to members with a beard).
  • Heated seats in the winter and tiny individual fans in the summer.
  • Sinning "Free pass" given once a month to be used with the sin of your choice. (Sexual sins not included and can not be used with any murder-type sins. "Free sin pass" must be used in the month it is given. Only one sin per sin pass.)
We expect to add more benefits later in the year.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I had a dream I had a vision

Last night I had a dream that I had a vision. In that vision, I was told that I should take a second wife and that it should be that girl from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Ok--Here's the deal. This was a dream that I had a vision which means, it doesn't count as a vision, which means it was just a dream which means anything can happen in a dream.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Of this, there is no such thing There is no such thing at "tithing implants" to make it look like you are paying more tithing than the actual amount. Oh dear. How did this rumor get started? I can't imagine Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay had anything to do about it. How then? Brother Tibbles, everyone is suspect except for you. Sister Laub, I blame you.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This week's profile: Brother Phil Tuffin

Many years ago Brother Phil Tuffin became Wisconsin's youngest senator with the following slogan:
Won't take no guffin
He keeps on puffin
Favorite food: oatmeal biscuits

It's hard to believe that such a slogan would do anyone any good at all, and yet, there you go: Senator. Then, in 1967, he moved to Utah so he could be closer to the Pacific ocean. He didn't want to be too close. Just closer than where he was in Wisconsin.

It was while living in Utah that he first met the Mormon missionaries. Unfortunately, they were a very disobedient pair of missionaries running an illegal dog track and betting operation. So the next time brother Puffin met the missionaries five years later, he was very suspicious. (He had lost over $7,000 betting on a dog name Prince Giggles). But the third time he met the missionaries he was prepared to hear their message of love and peace and life after death, whether or not that was death by natural causes, gunfire, or from a shark attack.

Since that time, Brother Tuffin has served in so many ward callings it's hard to count them all. But I did anyway, and the number is 37. Currently he is serving as ward concierge. Whenever four or more of the members of our ward want to go to the Olive Garden together, Brother Tuffin will call and get them a reservation.

Bless you, Brother Tuffin.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No one thought that

As Mormons, we often hear humorous and not so humorous misinterpretations of our faith. You know what I mean. Some people still think we have plural marriage. Some people think we don't believe in Jesus. Some people think we have horns. (Really?) But I thought it might be helpful to list some things that no one has ever thought about us, and for good reason. None of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true..

1. Mormons can not have a frogs as pets
2. Anyone caught eating raw meat will be laughed at
3. In the 1950's the word "choosy" was prohibited
4. The secret tunnels under the temple include one path to a room full of fully stocked vending machines and pin-ball machines
5. Mormons sleep one more extra minute than non-Mormons every night
6. 70% of all Mormons (recent poll) think Ryan Seacrest is one of the three Nephites
7. Early members of the church used to think bears should be baptized
8. Most Mormons believe that once we get to heaven, clothes from Old Navy will be marked down ever further!
9. Most Mormons believe that the Nephites were first to invent hot dogs, but the recipe was lost for hundreds of years
10. Anyone wearing black to church usually indicates they've committed a sin of the flesh from the previous week.

Let me repeat, none of these are true. But they sure are fun to think about.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Don't Know How This Vision Helps

Last night while sleeping I had a vision and was shown that if Lorenzo Snow was alive today, his favorite restaurant would be Fudruckers, but that he would refuse to same the name, on account of his desire to avoid the appearance of evil. Good to know, but quite frankly, I'm not sure how this vision helps me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

This week's 44th least popular sin


Sunday, January 11, 2009

From The Suggestion Box

We've had a couple of suggestions that during Sacrament Meeting we have an "old person" section, where anyone 80 years or older would be required to sit. The idea is to cut down on the smell. Thanks for the suggestion, but I think we'll pass on that. If you ask me, that doesn't seem very kind.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Broken Hip Awareness Week

It's that time of year again, brothers and sisters. Careful on the ice.

This Saturday, Brother Callup will be conducting our Fragile Hip Safety Class as part of our stake-wide Broken Hip Awareness Week. All participants will be entered into a drawing for one free replacement hip, as well as some gift certificates to Applebees.

Friday, January 09, 2009

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Sponsoring two events at Peeping Tom Day.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Allow This Clarification

Little Mary Paremen stated in her testimony today that Jesus was the first person to teach us all to "Be kind, rewind." Wrong! So wrong. Her parents need a family home evening lesson on when the VCR was invented.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Some things we can be thankful for

Sometimes we forget how blessed we are and so I thought I'd just mention a few things that many of us can be thankful for. Feel free to use any of these in your next prayer:

1 - We can be thankful we don't live in Ogden.
2 - We can be thankful that our name isn't Buck, or worse, Bucky.
3 - We can be thankful killer bees are just something the liberals made up to scare us into recycling.
4 - We can be thankful we aren't living in a house with a constant propane leak.
5 - We can be thankful that our wives can cross-stitch.
6 - We can be thankful we subscribe to the Ensign and that it's so affordable, even for poor people.
7 - We can be thankful no one in our ward has to drive a Dodge Omni.
8 - We can be thankful most cell phone plans, now, have the option for unlimited texting. (The pioneers never had this option).
9 - We can be thankful sharks are unable to go on land or to the mall.
10 - We can be thankful that we've put all the Christmas stuff away.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Slacks can be a wonderful gift

When you give someone a present, consider slacks. They can be a wonderful gift. Obviously, your first choice will be to give them a book from Deseret Book, and next, a gift certificate to the distribution center, but after you've covered those bases, think slacks. It's one of the things I got for Christmas and I'm enjoying them right now. I do love comfort.

Friday, January 02, 2009

We're changing the name

As many of you know, our first counselor, Brother Ted Malloy is involved heavily in the marketing field and came up with a peach of an idea. He thought we should change the name "Fast Sunday" to "Poor People Day" in an effort to increase donations. He felt like it would help remind our ward of its purpose and I think he just might be right. Let's give it a go and see what happens.

This post sponsored by Kumpachi Juice. A division of Ted Malloy Industries.