Who would you LOVE to see get baptized?

Jessica Alba
Angelina Jolie
Penelope Cruz

This Week's Fifth Most Popular Sin

Adding Satan as a friend on Facebook.

"...I only said it would be creamy"

"I never said churning butter would be easy, I only said it would be creamy."

That heart-felt bit of dialogue is from the new pioneer commemorative pageant that our ward will be putting on for the whole stake. This year, for the 24th of July, we have some stake-wide activities in addition to our own individual activities. And each ward in the stake has been asked to do something for the stake get-together on the 24th of July. Our ward was asked to put on a commemorative pageant, the 9th ward was asked to bring a salad. (Hardly anyone in that ward can sing).

Our hats go off to the wonderful ward choir for their part in this. Then our hats will go right back on because we'll all be participating in another handcart trek. You may recall how, in previous years, you've been asked to supply your own oxen. This year will be no different.

Put your shoulder to the wheel, brothers and sisters. It's that time of year again.

New ward librarian not grumpy enough

We'll be offering Elly Conberg, our new librarian, curmudgeon training. She'll be learning how to scowl if you check out more than ten pencils and she'll be taught to be suspicious of giving supplies to anyone under the age of 37.

Why we use the consecrated oil

I had a dream last night that a stick of butter said to a vial of oil, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" and challenged the concecrated oil to a duel the next day at high noon. The stick of butter lost the duel. The consecrated oil shot and killed the butter, and in my dream, that's the reason we use consecrated oil.

This Week's Second Least Popular Sin

Making fun of people with buck-teeth and telling them that they could probably eat corn through a picket fence.

Boat fund

Thanks to the recent boat fund donors. You will be blessed for that. So you say, in what form will the blessing come. Many forms. First, you will feel a sense of warmth and peace pass over you knowing you did the right thing. This will come almost immediately. If this has not come yet, find a quiet spot and contemplate how much fun you'll have out on the lake when we all go boating as a ward family. If that doesn't bring a sense of peace, it's possible you did not donate enough money. The second way that a blessing will come is through some coupons in the mail. Have you heard of ValPak? These can be redeemed at many of the local merchants for services that you probably already need. Lawn aeration. Wisdom teeth removal. And from time to time you might get a coupon that lets you save money on stabling a horse.

I have no idea why you are still up

I just went for a walk around the neighborhood. It's very late for me. I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm every night. You know what they say: Early to bed. That's the whole saying. Early to bed. There might have been more, but normally, then you go to bed, so there isn't time to go on about making a man healthy and wealthy. But listen--that's neither here no there. The thing I wanted to write about was that as I walked through the neighborhood and peered in some of your windows to check on you, I was surprised to see how many people were still up. It's midnight for heaven's sake. What, brothers and sisters, do you do this late at night? I just have no idea why you are still up.

Destroying angel actually quite a nice fellow

Sister Rose Gopsong had one of those near-death experiences and while "dead" met and interviewed the Destroying Angel. She said, as it turns out, the destroying angel is quite a nice fellow-- gentle, good sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes. Isn't that neat! I sure wouldn't have guessed all those things. Thanks, Rose.

We do not pray to Stephen Covey

I just had a long conversation with a neighbor of mine. He just moved here from California and has so many misconceptions about Mormons. Just to be clear, we do not pray to Stephen Covey. We can pray for him, but not to him. He will not answer your prayers. I'm not even sure he will hear them.

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Trespassory asportation.

Sexual Innuendo On The Rise

I just finished reading a report stating that the amount of sexual innuendo we see on TV and movies is on the rise. I read that and was flabbergasted. I nearly had a flabbergasm. What is happening to our world?

It needs be...

It needs be that I need new lawn chairs. Save it be that our others are worn out. I will go down to the Home Depot tomorrow, save it be, that it is Saturday, a special day.

Bishop’s Conference

I can’t wait to go to Bishop’s Conference next month. It’s held at BYU every other year and it’s for Bishops in the church to get together and talk about issues we all deal with every day.

There are classes and lectures to attend, firesides, and an ice cream sundae bar that would make any 15 year old kid wet his pants. It’s just like youth conference but without the dance on Saturday night.

(That would be real funny if someone in the planning department forgot that only Bishops were coming and so they put “Dance” in the program for Saturday night and then everyone would just stand around at the dance, real uncomfortable, just staring at the most attractive bishop wondering if they should ask him to dance just because they’re all at a dance, or maybe they shouldn’t because someone would think they were gay because they were dancing with another guy even though--hey--you put it on the program, so, that’s why I’m dancing. That would be real funny and then every year after that when you saw the other Bishops that were there you would slap each other on the back the way men do and you’d say, “Remember that year they accidentally had a dance and Bishop Wacolmb asked Bishop Nordon to dance and it turns out they both knew the Foxtrot?).

Even Kurt Bestor will be there to perform.

The Lordiest Month

Let’s make June a month filled with service and love and thankfulness. Let’s do more than we have ever imagined possible and make June the Lordiest month we’ve ever had!

Get to know your ward members

From time to time we highlight some of the most active members of the ward, which causes some of the less actives to feel less important. This saddens me. They are not less important. I keep telling them that. Why don’t they listen? I have even said it over a loud-speaker while driving by their house.

So today I’m going to highlight of our less active members--Plappen Elker. (Weird name, I know). Plappen, as you may be able to tell from the smell coming out of his home during dinner time, is not from the United States. I don’t know where he’s from because he is very hard to understand. He has told me on more than one occasion, but I really don’t have the foggiest idea. It may be near the Philippines. Either that, or it is on the opposite side of the globe as the Philippines. One or the other. Or neither. It just occurred to me that maybe his brother is living in the Philippines. Or maybe he was saying some name that sounded like the Philippines. In any regard, he wasn’t born in Utah. I’ll just tell you that. But he lives her now, and we’re pleased and delighted to have him in the ward. Also, he is very good at Ping Pong.

This Week's Third Least Popular Sin

Feeding lasagna to a horse, just to see if she will eat it.

Snake Heaven

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what it’s like in snake heaven. So I was at a loss a few days ago when little Maggie Pelten cried on the phone to me about a lost snake. They thought it might have crawled in to the VCR, but truth be told, they weren’t entirely certain. (I would not eat at the Pelten residence for at least three months, if I were you). She asked me if her snake was going to heaven. I told her of course her snake was going to heaven. Unless her snake has been smoking tobacco cigarettes and marijuana cigarettes, or unless her snake has been writing graffiti messages on the lavatory walls at school. She assured me that her snake has not being doing any of those things and I told her then her snake would be going to heaven. She asked me what snake heaven was like. And I have to be honest with you, I didn’t know what to tell her. See, sometimes, as Bishops, we don’t have all the answers and I don’t think we are expected to. On the other hand, sometimes we are expected to know the answers. This is one of those hands where I didn’t know. What would you have told little Maggie?

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Catering an orgy.

Good Advice up the Ying-Yang

Many ask, "Bishop, where do you find the inspiration for all the good advice you give me". Many assume I've read the book "Give Good Advice Up the Ying-Yang" or "An Advice-givers Guide to Giving Advice That Didn't Come From Dr.Phil".

I don't really know how to answer such a question. I think I've always been a little bit like this. Even at a very young age I was giving people as old as 18 and 19 years old some advice. Of course, back then it was advice such as "Hey, quit hitting me" or "You're going to fall off that" but it put me on the track of helping. And that's really what it's all about when you think about it. Helping. Helping and giving and pointing out ways that you could do things as proficiently as I do them.

It's a gift. My gift. Your gift might have to do with being able to tell if it's too hot in a particular room for your grandmother, so without asking you just go turn down the heat for her. Or your gift might be to play the violin at a high level of skill but not skilled enough to be a concert violinist so instead you work as a clerk in a law firm which makes you realize your real gift is to not be mad a God that you're not a more gifted violin player.

There's so many gifts and each person has at least two. Your gift may be as benign as being left handed, so you ask, why on earth is that a gift and then you find out that your real gift is how inquisitive you are.

Sometimes it takes people their whole lifetime to discover what their gift is. Others discover it as early as age nine. Anyone that thinks they have discovered their gift sooner than that is probably just dreaming. I mean, come on? Do you mean to tell me that your seven year old son can already speak three languages and can also beat you at guitar hero?

So let me give you some advice. Learn early what your gifts and talents are. The sooner you discover them, the sooner you can apply at that law firm for the clerk job.

Allow me to get personal

Allow me to get personal. Many of you have known me for quite a few years. You've seen me experience both joy and the flip side of joy, which is yoj. So it shouldn't surprise any of you that have known me for a long time, that I've thought about growing a mustache once I am no longer Bishop. I will only have it for two weeks, tops. I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt like it was something I should do.

Just a rumor

No need to worry yourself sick because it's just a rumor at this point. If you haven't heard, some of our ward members have been discussing the idea that the Second Coming has been canceled due to a lack of interest. This has yet to be confirmed.

Lost and Found

For the next two weeks in the foyer at church we will have a table set up of lost and found items. Please check the table for any items you may have lost. No word yet on whether Tabitha Clawson's virtue will be there.

Disturbing

I'm somewhat disturbed about the outcome of last week's cake auction. It was a grand success, and for that, I am thankful. However, the top selling cakes turned out to be Sister Blassengame's lovely cake shaped like the Provo Temple as well as Brother Vonderbun's cake decorated to look like a young women in a two piece bathing suit. I've been told that the reason it sold for so much was because of its uncanny resemblance to Tabitha Clawson. This disturbs me.

I had no idea

Last week, in a private meeting, our Stake President, President Martin, told me that heaven's computers all run on Mac. I had no idea.

This Week's Recipe

This week's recipe comes to us from Mark Belgord, who just returned from the Army.

Non-Alcoholic Vodka
Get a glass
Add ice
Enjoy!

Thanks Mark for helping us be in the world, but not of it.

Announcement from on High

Are you like me? Do you write in your journal three times a day but still feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of writing your personal history? Then you'll be so pleased to know that the church has just told all the bishops that we no longer have to worry about any kind of record keeping. Instead, we should spend more time with our families. That includes boating (at least one of your kids must be present), walks in the park, and a game we at our house call "Topsy Turvy Kitten".

Just kidding. We still have to keep records. Go back to feeling guilty for your inadequacies.

Lest we forget

Have we forgotten the faith of our fathers? Have we forgotten the sacrifice of the pioneers? Have we forgotten to turn off the oven?

Talents under a bushel? Release them.

The teenagers of our day are doing way too much talent hiding under a bushel. What I mean, is that if you hide your talents under a bushel, no one will get to see how well you can sing "On the good ship lollipop" or "Eye of the tiger". That's a shame. It's also a sin. I abhor sin. I also don't like cauliflower or canned yams. I once knew a girl my age who hid her bushel under a bushel. Too bad for her. As far as I could tell, she had a really nice bushel.

My favorite hymn

One of my favorite hymns is a song that, as it turns out, isn't a hymn at all. Its a popular song from Neil Diamond called "Forever in Blue Jeans". It has a wonderful message about how money doesn't sing and dance and how it's a real special feeling to have your wife right beside you and how you should be sure and wait until you're married to have sex. Ok. I made that last part up, but it's still a good idea to wait.

I can't remember if you have a mote or a beam

There are a few people in the ward that love to point out the flaws of others. Since I’m bishop, I won’t say who you are, but I suggest looking at either the mote or the beam in your own eye rather than going on and on about the mote or beam in your neighbor’s eye. (I can never remember which is which about if you have a mote or a beam in your eye and if your neighbor only has a mote or does he have a beam?)

Speaking of something in your neighbor’s eye, Jared Fillgette works for a company that makes glass eyes out of plastic. This makes it much more comfortable for the user, Jared says, but don’t stand too close to the fire. Can you imagine this scene--
Glass eye user: My eye is melting, my eye is melting!
Unsuspecting passerby: Oh no. You’ll go blind.
Glass eye user: I’m already blind in that eye. I’m yelling because now I”ll have to buy a new eye and they are real expensive. I was saving up for new boat for duck fishing.

Come Listen To a Prophet's Voice Crack

Our ward historian, Calbert Eldrige Furbey has discovered a wax cylinder recording, or, phonograph cylinder recording of a young Lorenzo Snow singing "Froggy went a courting". It's difficult to tell if it's the early technology, or young Lorenzo's voice, but at one point in the song, it seems that his voice begins to crack. I'll bet that wouldn't have happened had he been singing one of the church hymns. That's more of a comment on the power of the church hymns than on the voice of a prophet-to-be.

Good seats in heaven still available

Alan Siepert has done it again and we don't call him the ward liar for nothing. He has some of you convinced that all the good seats in heaven are taken. He said all seats in front, close to God have been reserved since 1956. First of all, there aren't any seats in heaven close to God. All the seats are good and all the seats are close to God. Now, it is true that only 30% are padded and those are in heaven's relief society room.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Gavin Auggler

Gavin Auggler tells me that growing up with unusually large ears was not as difficult as you might think, thanks to a mother that used to tell him, "Gavin, those enormous ears of yours are Gods way of saying thanks for being such a good listener to everyone in the pre-existence" and she also used to say that God was telling him "because you have such big ears, I promise you will not get cancer or Crohn's disease, although I can't say for sure about Carotenosis." Gavin has been in the ward for 12 years and has served on the high council and the low council as well as a Sunday School teacher and they guy that keeps everything up to date on the bulletin board. We are glad he's in our ward. Even though one of his ears is just outside the ward boundary. Just kidding. His whole body is in our ward. We love you Gavin.

What is going on at the Jeppsons?

A special ward committe has been formed to find out why in the name of all things holy the Jeppsons' family home evenings are so boring. We've been hearing complaints from their children for years now, but only recently have we heard complaints from brothers and sisters of the ward that are not related. For example, Shelly Wexler was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off some size 6 pants that her son no longer wore. She wanted to give them to the Jeppsons because, as you know, the Jeppsons have the twins, Bobby and Tippett, that should be able to fit in size 6 pants, even though most of their friends are wearing size 8. (Malnourished, if you ask me). Anywho...Sister Wexler dropped off the pants and was invited in and was told "come on in--we're nearly through with family home evening". She happened to arrive on a night that had Brother Jeppson sculpting an exact replica of Nauvoo, circa 1839, with a crude "clay" he made himself out of flour and old socks. Sister Wexler reports hearing one of the children whisper "can someone try to knock me unconscious."

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Potato Bar for Less Actives

In our Bishop's council meeting we discussed ways to re-activate the less actives and activate the downright hostile folks back to full fellowship. You'll be pleased to know that we received a revelation that told us the way to do it was with a potato bar at the end of Sacrament Meeting. While all of you faithful will make your way to Sunday School, I'll be serving the less actives a serving of baked potato goodness and a full serving of welcome back into the fold.

We've been praying for the wrong leg

Many of you have been asking how Kip Nelson has been doing, and particularly, how come his leg isn't getting any better after all the fasting and prayers we've been doing. As it turns out, we've been praying for the wrong leg. It's the left leg that's got the gummy knee. That's probably my fault and I take nearly all the blame.

Do not sell keys to the building on E-bay

We ask that you not sell the keys to our building. Do not sell them and do not give them to your friends. We know that Casey Altoon, for example, has been selling stolen goods on E-bay, including keys to our building. It has been reported to me by his mother that his medication has been adjusted and that many of your missing items should be returned shortly. I believe that includes Candy Larsen's kitten, Phil Drygert's garden hose, and Rose Thompson's urn collection. She also wondered if someone had one of those padded helmets she could borrow for Casey. He sold his on E-bay.

I was giving my son Nathan a lecture

Many of you have wondered why it has been such a long time since I kept you up to date on the ward happenings. Had I been released, many of you wondered? Had I been spending time at a house of ill repute, others questioned. None of those. Wrong. All of you. I have been giving my son Nathan a lecture. It was long on substance and long on length. That is what has been going on. In the mean time, Brother Samuelson, the Executive Secretary has been doing a bang up job on running the ward in to the ground. Thank goodness I'm back.

Come for the prayer - Stay for the crab

Brother Tibbits is making his wonderful Crab Cakes this Sunday night to be had after our monthly ward prayer. As always, we'll be having it at the church. Come for the prayer, stay for the crab.

The real reason the organist was released

If any of you lack the real reason the organist was released, let him ask the bishop. Sister Danzig was released from being organist, not because she was kept playing too loud (as brother Jepson suggested on a weekly basis) but because she was mad I would not let her install and use a drum machine to accompany her during sacrament meeting. That's the real reason.

CTR-b Class Blamed For Missing Casserole

You parents can call them little angels, but we in the bishopric know different. Sister Thompson had prepared a special casserole for Mardel Gibbs since he just had a second stroke. She came by the church on Sunday to pick up sister Lori Green so the two of them could deliver the casserole together. As she was coming in to the church to get sister Green, the CTR-b class opened her van and took the casserole from the front seat and hid it in the bushes. No one could find it for three days. The only good that I can see from this story is that Mardel's stroke has made it very difficult for him to eat anything other than liquids and chunk-free paste, so he probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the casserole anyway. But still.

We rate your testimonies

Just so that you, we, as a bishopric, rate each and every one of the testimonies given on fast and testimony Sunday. We use a five star rating. These are mostly kept to ourselves. I will tell you that Reed Thomas usually gets 4 or 5 stars. But not this week. We also award a testimony of the month award. You won't know who it is, though. It's just for our own amusement.

The Stake President Throws Like A Girl

Just because President Martin throws like a girl is no reason that we shouldn't respect him any more than you respect me. Please realize, I played baseball in high school and still stay quite physically active. But those are not the kinds of things on which to base your respect for our stake president. He is a good man. He plays the violin quite well, and has a number of different scriptures memorized--some of them are in the Bible. Let us all respect President Martin, the Stake President that throws like a girl.

"One Arm Club" means more than just fewer arms

Many of you have been confused by the newest bishop-approved club in our ward, called the "One Arm" club started by Dusty Capple. The club is for anyone that feels different due to a lost limb, an unusually large nose, blindness, or any other physical problem that makes you feel, at least occasionally, inadequate. The "One Arm Club" is a support group for you. The name is misleading because to some, it suggests that you have to have only one arm to be in the club. Not so. That's just a catchy name we came up with. Missing fingers, one leg shorter than the other, teeth that are too big for your small mouth, blotchy skin...you're all welcome to come. Even you, brother Fardly. Hop-on over to the church on Thursdays for a lot of fun, and support from others that face similar challenges!

Challenges! Aren't they great!

Please stop asking me to fornicate

As many of you know, I have always been a faithful member of the church. That’s why it just chaffs my chaps when people come up to me and say, “Hey there bishop. When are you going to start smoking tobacco cigarettes” or “What’s up bishop. How about you and me go enjoy some carnal fornication--I’m not wearing any panties.” When are you sinners going to learn that I choose the right.

I enjoy being recognized at the local shopping areas as much as the next person, but have you ever thought that maybe I just want you to say hello? Maybe I just want someone to ask how my wife and kids are doing and if I’m going to take the kids water skiing next summer. Huh? Did you ever think of that? (I am going to take the kids water skiing next summer by the way). Well, maybe you sinner ought to start thinking more along those lines. And speaking of lines, I just said a prayer for you so you’d stop using cocaine.

I love to help

Are you like me? Do you like to help others in need? Well, that’s what I love. I love to help. If I see someone with their zipper down or a booger on their nose, I’ll tell them. I’ll do it in a nice way too, of course. I won’t laugh and point and hope they inadvertently smear the booger on the application they just filled out. I’ll kindly tell them. Because I really think that’s what Jesus would have done. I don’t think he would have pointed to his apostles and said, “Ha ha, apostles. Look at that man with his zipper down. He sure has a lot to learn about zipping up his zipper!”

Wholesome activites

In this crazy, mixed up world of ours, with all of Satan's barbs, I sometimes wonder if we forget all the wholesome activities that are still available to us. Here are some things that are a wonderful way to pass the time in ways other than video games, television, and Asian pornography.

Playing marbles
Arm wrestling
Reading poems to a loved one, or to an old person
Boondoggling
Horse shoes
Badminton
Whittling
Hopscotch
Memorizing a clean limerick
Shuffleboard
Tying knots (Who remembers the clove hitch?!!!)
Finger painting

And while it's true that I looked on the internet for some ideas, you don't really need the internet to have fun.

How great the wisdom and the stew

Brother Finkle's lecture and dinner series "How great the wisdom and the stew" will be starting again right after Thanksgiving. Be sure and sign up early, as he always fills these classes up. As I heard one brother say last week, "Who cares if he's 97 years old. That's some of the best stew west of Memphis!" Yes, it's good stew, and good lectures, also. This year he will be covering some of the lesser known pioneer stories, including one about a young man who made a covered wagon entirely out of straw. He died, of course, but he had faith as strong as an ox. It's too bad he didn't have an ox, though. He probably would have made it further across the plains.

First, we give the casserole a blessing

If you aren't sick or ailing, after you hear this, you just might wish you had gout or lupus or something. Sister Culbert has made a number of her award winning spicy radish casseroles that we, as a bishopric, will be passing out to the sick and the ailing. What we'll do first, is to give the casserole a blessing. That way, you'll be getting a hot meal and a blessing at the same time. It was my idea.