Ward Update

We had another Kidney Drive this last week and kept the same theme as last year: A Kidney For Everyone. We had the youth of the ward visit all the able bodied members of the ward to see if they had a kidney they were willing to give up. 13 members of the ward were willing to donate kidneys and we appreciate your willingness to help others.

Speaking of helping others, I sure do put in a lot of hours serving the ward and normally I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm realizing that no one else will (except sister Elizabeth Cardoon every time she gives her testimony and honestly, it's starting to freak me out) so that's why I've decided to every once in a while just mention a few things I've done to help, that would otherwise go unnoticed. For example, after we handed out the packets of seeds to all the mothers on mother's day, I took the remaining seeds to all the shut-ins that live in our ward that have never had the pleasure of baring children. I included a sweet note that said, "I hope that by planting these seeds and seeing them grow, that it won't remind you of your own barren womb. Instead, I hope they smell good and you'll get to use one of the senses God has given you."

That's just one of the nice things I did this week, out of so many.

Ask The Bishop

Question: How can something that feels so good be so wrong?

Answer: Well, I'll need you to be more specific, but if you're talking about wearing Sansabelt Slacks, there's nothing wrong at all. In fact, I'm wearing a pair right now.

New Callings This Week

Ward Fireman - Cal Nesbit
Ward Steward - Stewart Ward
Ward Costume Designer - Ben Noland
Ward Ear Nose and Throat Specialist - Mel Selcho
Ward Scape Goat - Trevor Kennard

Get To Know Your Ward Members

In his own words, today's profile comes from Norman Wagler.

Growing up with one leg shorter than the other wouldn’t have been so bad, but I also had a hook for a hand. So many people thought I limped because the hook was so heavy. They had no idea that at age ten, bone was removed from my left leg, just below the knee. That’s why one leg was shorter than the other. Not because I was born that way. I wasn’t. I was born with both legs the same length and I used to be able to wear pants right off the rack with no need for alterations. Then the hook hand. That’s a whole other story. Don’t get me started on the hook hand. But can you believe I met and married a girl that also has a hook hand. And a baboon heart. Boy, are we a pair. A match made in heaven. A match made in heaven and in the hospital. We’ve got so many health problems we may as well live in a glass room at the hospital where doctors can probe and observe us all day. (Obviously, there would be a curtain we’d pull during certain intimate times between the two of us. I probably shouldn’t say this--no I won’t say it. Well ok. I’ll tell you. She loves sex.)

Her name is Martha. Lovely, isn’t it. Admit it. When you hear the name Martha, you don’t just assume that’s a person with a hook hand. I mean, if you got a call from your office partner and he said, “Guess what. I’m going on a date with a girl named Martha.” I’ll bet you don’t think, “Martha, huh. Try not to get your fancy shirt snagged on the hook.” Your first thought is probably something like, flowers or baked apple pie or a sunset on a beach that doesn’t smell like rotting fish. That’s Martha.

We met at a support group for people with prosthesis. I didn’t notice her at first because I was watching another girl demonstrate how quickly she could remove her prosthetic foot, use it to hit a whiffle ball in the air, then re-attach the foot and catch the whiffle ball in her mouth before it hit the ground. Impressive, to be sure. But the foot’s titanium and that has a lot to do with it. I didn’t notice Martha until I had attended the support group two more times.

Martha and I have been married for 17 years now. We don’t appreciate the stares we get when we walk down the street, hook in hook. But what can you do? You just deal with the cards you were dealt. Martha limps too, now. A condition that the doctors are calling a sympathy limp. I think it’s sweet. I think it’s a sign of her love and devotion for me. It’ll be nice when we both get to heaven and our bodies will be restored to their perfect state. And I’ll say to that other girl, let’s see you hit a whiffle ball now, hot-shot.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Have you ever done anything that would cause your parents to hang their head in shame?

Answer: Yes. And I'm sorry about what I did. I put extra pepper on my father's soup, knowing it would make him sneeze. And sneeze he did. He sneezed so hard his glasses fell in the soup. I had to go to bed without any supper and from that point on we were not allowed to have pepper in the house. I felt ashamed. To make up for it, I bought him something I thought he would enjoy. A cowboy hat. He did enjoy it, until he found out I had just used his money to buy him the hat. That's when we were no longer allowed to buy or wear hats or use each other's money. I really felt bad about that, so I decided to get up real early one morning and milk some cows. I had always heard farmers talking about how that would really teach a boy a lesson in hard work and responsibility. Get him up early and make him milk cows, they always said. So that's what I did. Afterward, I brought home the milk, thinking that my dad would be so proud of what I had done, but as it turns out, it was Sunday, and he was mad that I worked on Sunday. So from then on, we weren't allowing to drink milk. Now, what's the question you asked? How I get my calcium then? Oh, I take supplements. Thanks for asking. Good question.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, how come we can't play the drums in the chapel?

Answer: You can. If you don't mind settling for the telestial kingdom when you die.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, you know how people say "you can't take it with you"? What all does that include?

Answer: Mostly iPods, shoes, and decorative soaps. And everything else except your soul.

Ask The Bishop

Question: Bishop, why aren't there very many famous Mormon ventriloquists?

Answer: If you were going to ask me, why aren't there any famous Mormon strippers, I would have a really good answer for you. But ventriloquists? You got me there. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because that person might feel some guilt about where he has to place his hand in order for that puppet to perform.

Making your house a home

Tips on making your house a home.

1 - Give it a name. Something like, Gardeners Delight, or Walnut Villa. Believe me, that's going to go a long way to making your house a home. That suggestion right there could be good enough, but I've got more.

2 - In addition to your standard rooms-kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, family room--make certain you also have the following rooms: Conservatory, mud room, guest room, maid's quarters, music room.

3 - Never refer to anyone in the home as "wing-nut".

4 - Hang up pictures of a spiritual nature. Or of nature. Waterfalls can really do the trick, here.

5 - Hang up pictures of your children engaged in special projects, like the pine-wood derby, or making those little knit hats for starving kids somewhere.

6 - Never use a Hibatchi inside the home.

7 - Use Pledge regularly on all wooden surfaces.

8 - Sing the hymns often. Not just at home, but also in the car, or in the presence of non-members, particularly if they are smoking, or using crude language.

9 - Show kindness to each other. Instigate a system where once a week, someone gets a ballon.

10 - Take down the sign on your front door the previous owners put up that reads "Satan Welcome Here".

Ask the Bishop

This week’s member question-

Bishop, what are some of the challenges you face as bishop, that I don’t have to face?

Now that’s a good question. I was going to say, going up a lot of stairs, but then you added “as bishop” so I was going to say “avoiding loud-laughter” and then you added “that I don’t have to face” so then I just sat there for a minute to make sure you weren’t going to add anything else, like “because I’m actually Jewish” or something like that. Good question, though. What do I face as bishop that you don’t have to face. Let’s see, there’s the constant nagging from Marlin Blatter about when I’m going to call him as the Elder’s Quorum President. You don’t have to deal with that. Let’s see, there’s the late night phone calls from Sister Cavenaugh, wondering if someone came to feed the cats. (She doesn’t have any cats). But I’d say the biggest challenge of all is balancing my time between my calling, my job, my hobbies, my family, my side-businesses, my writing, keeping up on this blog, my music, my lectures, my civic duties, my volunteer work down at the V.A hospital, my seat on the board of directors (three companies, really), my appearances at youth camps during the summer, and my Mormon Elvis impersonations. I’d say that’s probably my biggest challenge. Oh, and trying not to attract the wrong kind of attention when I wear those tight slacks my wife likes so much.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Telling a girl you're trying to impress that you have your own shark tank and taking her to Sea World and then getting there early and covering up the Sea-World sign with one of your own that says, "Nathan's super awesome shark that he bought with his own money".

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Today's profile is actually chapter 7 in Mickey Dulvont's biography called "There's No Dead Guys In Heaven". Please enjoy.


I used to spending the summer at Grandpa’s house. He wasn’t my real grandpa, but he was older than Pops and had a limp like so many other grandpas. Pops is my mom. Her real name is Penelope. I don’t remember where the name Pops came from but I’ve been calling her that since I was just a kid.

Summer at grandpa’s house was usually spent outside. Chasing frogs, climbing trees, and making mud huts, then decorating them with rugs and fancy lamps, and finding homeless people to occupy them. I guess that’s where my interest in charity work came from. Pops used to always tell me, "you’re a good kid and I sure wish you were mine". I was adopted and Pops used to bring that up a lot. She felt like there must have been some sin she was guilty of that kept her from being able to get pregnant. She used to list off some of the most serious sins she’d committed and ask which one we thought might be keeping her from having a child of her own.

One summer, just about a week before I was going to leave grandpa’s house and go back home, I met a girl named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I asked her why she had so many names and she asked me why I had so many freckles and I asked her why I’d never seen her before and she asked me if I’d ever seen a real dead person. I paused for a minute because I wondered if she was about to tell me where a dead person was. Then I said, “Really, why do you have so many names?” Funny thing, I don’t even remember what she said, but I do remember it had something to do with a Queen or gardening or something like that. Then, she took me over to the quarry and showed me a dead person.

Then next summer when I went back to Grandpa’s house I asked if he knew anyone named Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. And he asked me if I’d ever seen a dead person. I told him about the quarry and that seemed to jar his memory because he then said, “Oh, that Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. You bet I know her. She just ran for mayor”. You better believe that came as quite a shock to me because when I had met her the summer before, I had assumed she was about my same age--14 years old. As it turns out, she had a disease that made her look really young. Much younger than her actual age. Turns out, she was 42. I told grandpa about how Eleanore Rose and I had kissed down by the quarry. He told me that he had also done the same. I threw up on my shoes. Not because of what grandpa said, but because of a really gross pickle I had just eaten.

For the rest of the week I tried to find Eleanore Rose, but didn’t have any luck. I later heard she died about that same time, and I never got to see her again.

I’ve never married, see, and that’s because my one true love was Eleanore Rose Wilder Gosler. I believe that when I get to the celestial kingdom, we’ll run into each other. I’ll ask why she had to leave me and she’ll ask me why my knuckles are so nobby. I’ll ask her what the food is like in heaven and she’ll ask me if I want to go see a dead guy. Then we’ll both laugh real loud and long, because there’s no such thing as a dead guy in heaven.

Conference re-cap

Conference re-cap, or, ask the Sunbeams.

Question - What was your favorite part of conference?

Noah Tillen: How come I can't have a hampster?

Question - What did President Monson talk about?

Ellie Vorlet: I just swallowed a lego!

Question - Did you hear anyone talk about how to be more like Jesus?

Nye Horner: This one time, my cousins came to see us, and they live in St. George, so it takes them a long time to get here, so when they got here the first thing they needed to do was go the bathroom, but I was really excited to see them because we only get to see them about three times a year and my dad said that their dad didn't come because he doesn't like to ride long rides in the car but then my cousin said their dad didn't come because just before they were going to leave he got in a big argument with their mom and then he said, fine you wear the pants in the family and he took off his pants in the driveway and then went inside and my cousins have blond hair just like me.

Ward Update

Pretty good week so far, without too many funerals or spiritual slaps on the spiritual wrist. I drove around last night, getting some of the ward members to get their talents from under their bushel. I've said this before, but Sister McLewin has a really nice bushel, and she shouldn't be hiding anything under there.

We got a call from Sister McCallister earlier this week and some members of the Elder's Quorum went over there to help her move. As you know, she weights 400 pounds and she needed some help moving from the kitchen to the living room. They got that taken care of and if anyone knows of a good chiropractor, then be sure and let me know. (Someone other than Doctor Wells Kiplinger. No one can stand the smell in there).

This week the youth will be making minature scale models of handcarts. Then next week they'll be making minature people to pull those handcarts. Not too minauture, though. There's got to be room for the blisters! (Always teaching. Always teaching)

Bless you all.

Can't Carole Mikita speak in conference

We've all grown to love the after-conference reports that Carole Mikita puts together. It got me thinking--can't she speak in conference? I mean, imagine the wonderful visual aids and multi-media here you go there you go that she'd present to us all. Imagine the spirit you'd feel then.

My Conference Talk

The following is a reprint from last September. But we've had so many people move in to the ward since then, that I felt like it was worth repeating. Here goes:

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Ward Update

Slow week this week for funerals. Lots of the old people in our ward have already died or have moved out of the ward and into Elledge Manor (and them others are still, really hanging on). I still go visit them with my son Nathan. We take them corn paste and play old recordings of Fibber McGee and Molly.

Popular sins this week include some of the old standbys. Lusting, rage, and untoward groping.

Just so you know, we got the organ fixed. Too bad, too, because since it was broken we asked Dill Wicket to bring in his keyboard. I don't know about you, but I loved having the drum beat he added whenever we sang How Firm A Foundation.

Well brothers and sisters, keep holding firm on the rod on the straight and narrow but still reaching for the stars with your feet on the ground.

And this: I don't say it enough, but I love this ward. If this ward was a food, I bet it would be some kind of pot roast and a cheese plate.

What Your Children Are Saying - Q&A

Questions and answers from the CTR B class:

Teacher: How can we be more like Jesus?

Kallie Thueson: I can touch my eyeball
Tad Shirley: My dad has a beard on his back
Rachel Kauser: My mom has special medicine that only can you drink if you're a grown up

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Putting a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt (the three years ago Jennifer Love Hewitt) over the picture of your wife in that family picture that you've got hanging in the hall.

Celebrating our 273rd post!

Wow! Can you believe it? This is our 273rd post. This blog was started in 2006 and while there weren't many posts that year, there sure have been a lot since then. Who cares, you say? It's significant, because 273 is how old Joseph Smith would be if he were still alive and if he had been born in 1736!

Not everything has been invented yet

Just click on the historical document to view it larger

Pretty cool badger, dude

Pretty good week, this week, although I don't know that brother Topper Bottomus would say the same thing. Car trouble again and this time, not with the engine. Raccoons. They've been living in the backseat, and as you know, he delivers the Thrifty Nickle newspapers and so sometimes that back seat gets pretty crowded and cramped. Good thing he never had kids because where would they sit?

So he found out about the raccoons because of the badger. I didn't even know they lived in this area, but if anyone could attract a badger and a family of raccoons on accident, it would be Topper Bottomus.

Turns out those raccoons had been living in the car for about two weeks. One of the smaller raccoons of the bunch, got out during a routine stop on the newspaper route and went straight up to a badger and took a carrot right out of his mouth and ran back to the car. That badger took off after the raccoon and didn't catch up to him until he was in the back seat of Topper's car. Then a fight broke out.

This was all being witnessed by two teenagers. One of them slumps over more than my son Nathan and the other one slumps over even further than that. When Topper got back to the car and saw four dead raccoons and a live badger in the back seat, all those two boys said to him was, "Pretty cool badger you got there, dude".

Anyone in the ward need a badger?

Ward Update

Pretty uneventful week, this week. No funerals. No one tried to steal the tithing money. And Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay, went on a date with a woman. Also, remember how our ward snake got out of it's case and couldn't be found anywhere? We found him. He was up by the organ. Little rascal was trying to play How Firm A Foundation. It's that snake's favorite hymn.

Now, tomorrow at church, let's all try to be extra nice to Sister Renee Thurber who just moved in to the ward. She doesn't have a calling yet but I thought it would be hilarious to call her as Scoutmaster. I won't, but I just thought it would be real funny.

Milking Cow

Click on the image to view it larger.

How To Say I'm Better Than You

Nothing says, "I'm better than you" better than a super cool CTR ring that's better than the next guy. Thank goodness, then, for this site. Notice the Salt Lake Temple in the right upper-hand corner. That means they really love the Lord. And don't forgot the ICTDTRT rings we mentioned back in 2007.

Ward Auction

Big success at the ward auction on Saturday. If you weren't there, you really missed out. I just wanted to mention of few of the items that surprised me as being big ticket items. I would have thought no one would bid on these, but boy was I wrong.

1. Free annual polyp removal for life - Donated by Sister Jessica Cottle - $415
2. Cross-stiched sign reading "A back rub in the front room leads to a front rub in the back room". - Donated by Sister Trudy Cooper - $175
3. Interpretive statue of Lorenzo Snow's beard - Donated by Brother David Heap - $95
4. The quilt Tabitha Clawson slept with before leaving our ward for juvenile detention - Donated by Sister Clawson - $295

I'm a lot like Mitt

So many people tell me that I remind them of Mitt Romney.

We both like to spend quality time with our family. We both worship the same God. We both wear suits a lot. We both love to employ immigrants. We both ran for president of the United States--wait--never mind on that one. I didn't.

It's just that there are so many similarities between us, I sometimes don't know where the similarities begin and end. In fact, last year, there was one whole week where I told people by mistake that I grew up in Michigan and that my dad's name was George! Crazy. Truth is, I grew up in Texas and I have no idea who my dad is!

I've had people tell me I sound like him and that if my hair was as nice as his, we'd have similar hair. I've had people tell me I shake hands like him and some people have said if they didn't know Mitt Romney, they'd mistake me for him.

It's flattering, really, but when it comes down to it, I'm happy I'm me. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Not a doctor, not a photographer, not a guy working at home depot, not a rail road conductor, not a guy that goes around and reads the gas meter, and not an ex-governor of Michigan.

But still, I am a lot like Mitt. There's no denying that.

If Mitt Was In Our Ward

If Mitt Romney was in our ward, what calling do you think he should have?

I think he should be called as our ward president. Not the same as the bishop. The ward president would decide if we should go to war or not and he would write public policy and he would visit the troops if needed. He would also put his presidential seal on some documents and would ride in parades. And here's the part that may confuse some people. I would still forgive people, he would be the one that pardon's people.

I wonder why we don't already have someone in that position.

I also think Mitt would do a great job in primary.

My Conversation With Mitt Romney

I wonder what it would be like if I ever got to meet Mitt Romney. Would it go something like this?

Me: Hi Mitt. Nice to meet you.
Mitt: Call me "all holy one".
Me: What the--are you kidding?
Mitt: Why, I guess I am. How about that. I just said a joke! It wasn't funny. It's not like I'm Bill Cosby or George Burns anything, but I said something that wasn't meant to be taken serious. That's neat. I think I'll go brush my hair.
Me: But wait. I wanted to ask you about how to get to be perfect and should I buy a new boat or keep the one I've got.

I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney

Sometimes we just do what the brethren say. And that's the case in this case. I thought it would be a good idea to change the words to the popular primary song I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus to something that would teach the kids about role models in our day and age. So I thought I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney would be a perfectly good idea. Stake President Martin feels a little differently about it. He asked that we only sing the original version. I reluctantly agreed. So that's what we'll do. Sorry kids. I know some of you were very excited about it, as was I. We can still revere Mitt Romney. President Martin didn't have anything to say about that.

(I'll bet President Martin voted for Obama.)

Remember The Ward Dinner This Week

Our ward dinner this week will be called "Steak Conference" and we'll be having steak. And ribs. And cake. Our "steak conference" will be held this Saturday, the day before Stake Conference. Plan on feeling the spirit both days, but only getting free meat on one of them.

I Don't Know The Answer To This

One of the ward members asked me a good question. I don't know the answer, but I'll open it up for all of you to give your oppinion. Here's the question.

If you come to this earth and are given the last name of "Plowman" will you get extra breaks when you go to heaven on account of having to go through life with the last name Plowman?

As I said, I don't know the answer. But I will say this. At least you name isn't Seimens. Or this would be hilarious. What if your name was Tim Nuggets. Ha ha ha. Tim Nuggets. Who would ever want to be named Tim.

Fish Sticks

There was a lively discussion in priesthood meeting this past Sunday. Some said that when Jesus fed a big crowd with only seven loaves of bread and two fishes, it might have gone something like this.

Disciple: Welcome to the sermon. Can I interest you in some bread and fish?
Sermon-goer: How much is it?
Disciple: Free! We're just giving it out willy-nilly.
Sermon-goer: How is the fish prepared?
Disciple: Breaded. In fact, it's actually a fish stick.
Sermon-goer: A fish stick? Uh....I'll just have the bread, thank you.
Disciple: Suit yourself.

This is not doctrine. Just something some of the brethren were tossing out as a possibility.

Ward Callings

The new ward callings this week are as follows:

Ward Admiral - Hyrum Weibling
Ward Locksmith - Shanon Papenfuss
Ward Dietitian - Tristan Jones
Ward Falconer - Kristen Danielson
Ward Peeping Tom - Thomas Peeping, Sr.

They aren't real stones we'll be throwing

There are two pregnant girls in our ward that are unwed. That's sad, but listen to this great idea. The young women and young men of our ward will have a combined activity where they will "throw stones" (really just some nerf balls painted gray) at the two girls to teach everyone what life was like when Jesus was alive. The two pregnant girls will learn gratitude that they aren't living back then, and the rest of the youth of the ward will learn that there was no such thing as nerf balls 2,000 years ago. An important lesson indeed.

This week's 498th least popular sin

Standing in the kitchen nude while holding a plate of spaghetti in one hand, and a bowl of salad in the other, then juggling two squirrels and balancing a tea cup on your nose.

(Really, the only harm here is that the squirrels get dizzy and it's considered torture).

No one said the pioneers got off easy

Pick the Sick

Ward quiz--Can you match the disease with the ward member currently suffering from that disease?

1. Dengue Fever
2. Rhabdophobia
3. Center Abdominal Groin Strain

A. Mitch Seldonhoff
B. Kathy Barkling
C. Don Wadler

Pioneer disagreement

Get even more of my advice

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https://twitter.com/bishophiggins

This week's 6th most popular sin (Youth Edition)

Singing "Where Can I Turn For A Piece" instead of "Where Can I Turn For Peace" and telling your primary teacher you are "steadfast and bowelmoveable".

Childish.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

When Simon Sieman Jr. was a senior in high school, he always wore a cape. When Simon Sieman Sr. was a junior in high school he was an avid bug collector. Well, they've both just moved in the ward and they are still just as weird. But that's no reason for us to deny them a hand of fellowship. We'll just want to make sure and wash that hand, quickly afterwards. Any suggestions on what callings they should have?

Brother Samuelson, executive secratary calls a ward member

Click to view larger and read the text

New Calling Idea

Shopping on Sundays. I'm not going to deny that it happens. From time to time we all need something at the store on Sunday, whether it's toothpaste, ice cream for when the home teachers come over, feminine products for our wife, twine, light bulbs, NyQuil, printer cartridge, squirrel food, birthday candles, milk, or a hungry man TV dinner.

So, you go to the store and later feel guilty. Especially, because when you are there, you see three of your ward members doing the same thing. You look at each other with that uneasy glance. You try not to be seen as you check out what the other person is buying, then say to yourself, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't have waited until tomorrow to buy hair dye for your wife's mustache?" Meanwhile, they are doing the same thing, saying to themselves, "Are you kidding me? You're buying cup cakes? You should be buying carrots instead."

This is not helpful and does not bring us close together as a ward family. It doesn't have to be that way. So, I have a great new idea. We now have a new ward calling. This person will be our designated "Sunday shopper". If you have anything you need on Sunday, simply call this person and they will compile a shopping list. At 3:00pm every Sunday, they will go shopping for anyone in the ward that didn't use Saturday as a special day, a day to get ready for Sunday.

We are calling Ken Webster to this position. What a brilliant idea. I am so smart. I love to think of good ideas. Or, to hear them from someone else, and then use them for my own. Thanks, Ken.

Hot 'N Nasty

My terrible dream last night went something like this:

Chris Cornel decided to move to Provo and join the church. He lived in our ward boundaries, which meant he confessed his sins to me. We had to take in the confessions in four, 3 hour sessions. I had no idea you could even do half of the things he said. There was even some things about cruelty to a monkey and some sex tape with a girl named Rachelle. And a beef jerkey product he wanted to endorse called "Hot N Nasty". Those were the normal parts. The dream then got weird when we were suddenly living in Wyoming and Dick Cheney called us in to his office (in this part of the dream, he was the bishop) and told us to hold to the rod. Chris Cornel took it the wrong way and whoops, more sins to confess.

It was awful. Just awful. I woke up glad to know it was just a dream. You know, it's funny about dreams and reality and fake stories and girls named Rachelle with weird last names. Some day, when we're all in heaven wearing white top hats and listening to Neil Diamond (in person!) it will all make sense.

Ward Riddle

Question: In what way are Monty Altamonte's temple recommend and the TheraFlu in my medicine cabinet the same?

Answer: They both expired in 2003

That would sure be hilarious

You know how on Fast Sunday you refrain from eating or drinking for 24 hours? Wouldn't it be funny if you also refrained from going the bathroom for that same time period? Whew! Talk about breaking your fast.

This Week's Primary Birthday

Can you guess who are special primary birthday boy or girl is this week?

• Got a St. Bernard for Christmas
• Wants to be a bee-keeper or an architect when he/she grows up
• Birthmark on his/her right shoulder that looks a little bit like Gabriel Kaplan, that guy on "Welcome Back Kotter"
• Stuggles with math
• His/her grandmother came up with the line "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash"

Did you guess Madge Ollen? Wrong. She's not even in primary anymore. Did you guess Jesse Calhoun? You're right! Happy birthday Jesse.

New Member Quiz

To all the brand new members of the church, quick--answer this question!

Which of the following is a member of the Godhead

1. Holy Smoke
2. Holy Ghost
3. Holy Toledo

Ward Dinner Has A New Name

Every year we have our January ward dinner and call it the New Year Dinner. Boring. This year, it's going to be called, "Sweet Hour of Sweet and Sour Pork". We'll be having sweet and sour pork.

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

• Ward blacksmith - Ric Wyman
  
• Committee chairman on the committee to form committees - Karen Kerby
  
• Ward horse trainer - Piper Nichols
  
• Ward VHS to DVD specialist - Will Bryson
  
• Ward fact checker - Kathleen Lentz
  
• Ward attorney general - Brad Anderson
  
• Ward butter churner - Tyler Leavitt
  

Update on our "Tithing Elite" program

It's been nearly a year since we instigated our "Tithing Elite" program and it's been a huge success. Go here and read the post to find out how it got started and what it's all about. You'll also want to read the comments people left when we first started "Tithing Elite" because some people just don't catch the vision.

But that's neither here nor there. The exciting thing is that we have added new benefits to the "Tithing Elite" program. Here are the new benefits for 2009

• Shuttle service to and from church
• Complimentary breath mints (can be shared with brother Omel Dellacourte)
• Either "Sexual Innuendo on the Rise" T-shirt, or "I am way more humble than you" T-shirt. Your choice.
• Special copy of the ward directory showing the ages of everyone in the ward. (Sister Pinnegar is my same age? She looks so old).
• Thorough beard combing. (Only to members with a beard).
• Heated seats in the winter and tiny individual fans in the summer.
• Sinning "Free pass" given once a month to be used with the sin of your choice. (Sexual sins not included and can not be used with any murder-type sins. "Free sin pass" must be used in the month it is given. Only one sin per sin pass.)

We expect to add more benefits later in the year.

I had a dream I had a vision

Last night I had a dream that I had a vision. In that vision, I was told that I should take a second wife and that it should be that girl from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Ok--Here's the deal. This was a dream that I had a vision which means, it doesn't count as a vision, which means it was just a dream which means anything can happen in a dream.

Of this, there is no such thing

Uh....no. There is no such thing at "tithing implants" to make it look like you are paying more tithing than the actual amount. Oh dear. How did this rumor get started? I can't imagine Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay had anything to do about it. How then? Brother Tibbles, everyone is suspect except for you. Sister Laub, I blame you.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This week's profile: Brother Phil Tuffin

Many years ago Brother Phil Tuffin became Wisconsin's youngest senator with the following slogan:
Won't take no guffin
He keeps on puffin
Favorite food: oatmeal biscuits

It's hard to believe that such a slogan would do anyone any good at all, and yet, there you go: Senator. Then, in 1967, he moved to Utah so he could be closer to the Pacific ocean. He didn't want to be too close. Just closer than where he was in Wisconsin.

It was while living in Utah that he first met the Mormon missionaries. Unfortunately, they were a very disobedient pair of missionaries running an illegal dog track and betting operation. So the next time brother Puffin met the missionaries five years later, he was very suspicious. (He had lost over $7,000 betting on a dog name Prince Giggles). But the third time he met the missionaries he was prepared to hear their message of love and peace and life after death, whether or not that was death by natural causes, gunfire, or from a shark attack.

Since that time, Brother Tuffin has served in so many ward callings it's hard to count them all. But I did anyway, and the number is 37. Currently he is serving as ward concierge. Whenever four or more of the members of our ward want to go to the Olive Garden together, Brother Tuffin will call and get them a reservation.

Bless you, Brother Tuffin.

No one thought that

As Mormons, we often hear humorous and not so humorous misinterpretations of our faith. You know what I mean. Some people still think we have plural marriage. Some people think we don't believe in Jesus. Some people think we have horns. (Really?) But I thought it might be helpful to list some things that no one has ever thought about us, and for good reason. None of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true..

1. Mormons can not have a frogs as pets
2. Anyone caught eating raw meat will be laughed at
3. In the 1950's the word "choosy" was prohibited
4. The secret tunnels under the temple include one path to a room full of fully stocked vending machines and pin-ball machines
5. Mormons sleep one more extra minute than non-Mormons every night
6. 70% of all Mormons (recent poll) think Ryan Seacrest is one of the three Nephites
7. Early members of the church used to think bears should be baptized
8. Most Mormons believe that once we get to heaven, clothes from Old Navy will be marked down ever further!
9. Most Mormons believe that the Nephites were first to invent hot dogs, but the recipe was lost for hundreds of years
10. Anyone wearing black to church usually indicates they've committed a sin of the flesh from the previous week.

Let me repeat, none of these are true. But they sure are fun to think about.

I Don't Know How This Vision Helps

Last night while sleeping I had a vision and was shown that if Lorenzo Snow was alive today, his favorite restaurant would be Fudruckers, but that he would refuse to same the name, on account of his desire to avoid the appearance of evil. Good to know, but quite frankly, I'm not sure how this vision helps me.

This week's 44th least popular sin

Sorcery

From The Suggestion Box

We've had a couple of suggestions that during Sacrament Meeting we have an "old person" section, where anyone 80 years or older would be required to sit. The idea is to cut down on the smell. Thanks for the suggestion, but I think we'll pass on that. If you ask me, that doesn't seem very kind.

Broken Hip Awareness Week

It's that time of year again, brothers and sisters. Careful on the ice.

This Saturday, Brother Callup will be conducting our Fragile Hip Safety Class as part of our stake-wide Broken Hip Awareness Week. All participants will be entered into a drawing for one free replacement hip, as well as some gift certificates to Applebees.

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Sponsoring two events at Peeping Tom Day.

Allow This Clarification

Little Mary Paremen stated in her testimony today that Jesus was the first person to teach us all to "Be kind, rewind." Wrong! So wrong. Her parents need a family home evening lesson on when the VCR was invented.

Some things we can be thankful for

Sometimes we forget how blessed we are and so I thought I'd just mention a few things that many of us can be thankful for. Feel free to use any of these in your next prayer:

1 - We can be thankful we don't live in Ogden.
2 - We can be thankful that our name isn't Buck, or worse, Bucky.
3 - We can be thankful killer bees are just something the liberals made up to scare us into recycling.
4 - We can be thankful we aren't living in a house with a constant propane leak.
5 - We can be thankful that our wives can cross-stitch.
6 - We can be thankful we subscribe to the Ensign and that it's so affordable, even for poor people.
7 - We can be thankful no one in our ward has to drive a Dodge Omni.
8 - We can be thankful most cell phone plans, now, have the option for unlimited texting. (The pioneers never had this option).
9 - We can be thankful sharks are unable to go on land or to the mall.
10 - We can be thankful that we've put all the Christmas stuff away.

Slacks can be a wonderful gift

When you give someone a present, consider slacks. They can be a wonderful gift. Obviously, your first choice will be to give them a book from Deseret Book, and next, a gift certificate to the distribution center, but after you've covered those bases, think slacks. It's one of the things I got for Christmas and I'm enjoying them right now. I do love comfort.

We're changing the name

As many of you know, our first counselor, Brother Ted Malloy is involved heavily in the marketing field and came up with a peach of an idea. He thought we should change the name "Fast Sunday" to "Poor People Day" in an effort to increase donations. He felt like it would help remind our ward of its purpose and I think he just might be right. Let's give it a go and see what happens.

This post sponsored by Kumpachi Juice. A division of Ted Malloy Industries.

My 10 favorite things about 2008

10 - Went boating 36 times with my family. There will be boating in heaven.
09 - Kept my weight at under 200 pounds (righteous eating habits)
08 - Learned how to boondoggle.
07 - Helped my son Kyle with his Pinewood Derby (Wining isn't everything Kyle. But having a good relationship with your father, is.
06 - Helped my son Nathan eradicate the word "retard" from his vocabulary and helped him see that something "hilarious" isn't a justification for saying it.
05 - Invented a new kind of nog. Ham nog. It's delicious.
04 - Inspired so many people in the ward to choose the right.
03 - Quarreled less.
02 - Avoided evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, and also avoided looking down the shirt of Sister Laub even though I believe she bent over like that on purpose. Now, sister Laub. What are we going to do with those--I mean, you. What are we going to do with you?
01 - Strengthened the youth.

Happy New Year, brothers and sisters. And may all your prayers be granted and half of your wishes.

Bless this food

When we say a prayer before eating and include a phrase about blessing the food to nourish and strengthen our bodies, what happens to the food is nothing short of a miracle.

High fructose corn syrup takes on the molecular properties of cane sugar, sugar takes on the properties of salt, salt takes on the properties of protein, protein takes on the properties of fiber, and fiber takes on the properties of even more fiber.

That's why we Mormons are way more healthy than other religions and non-believers.

Go Mormons!

Contents of Sister Jorgenson's testimony.

Here is a 2008 summary of the content presented to us by sister Jorgenson as she has given us her testimony each month.

Deseret Book should sell these

Well that would have made things easier

I was just thinking that if the pioneers would have had access to some jackets with Gore-tex when they crossed the plains, that would have really made things easier. Without it, though, you can really see why they got as cold as they did. I'll bet if they did have Gore-tex, there would have been more of the following conversations:

Man 1: Looks like a storm's a brew'n
Man 2: Storm, schmorm.
Man 1: Huh? What are you talking about. We're bound to get cold and wet. Oh right. Gore-tex. I forgot.
Man2: By the way, why is your shoulder all torn up?
Man 1: I just put my shoulder to the wheel.

Most popular pies

Here is a pie chart showing what pies were most popular at the ward Christmas party last Saturday.

Facebook.

My son Nathan told me about Facebook and I felt it would be just another way to stay connected with the ward. If you use Facebook too, be sure and add me. You'll be blessed for doing so. I'll have to ask my son Nathan, but I don't think you have to be in the same ward. Or even in the stake. In fact, I'll bet you can live in other places and have different views on religion. I might be part of the one true church, and you might be in the full grip of Satan's power. It's facebooky fine.

This week's 44th least popular sin

Saying to a young single girl, "It's getting a little hot in here--Why don't we take off our sweaters" even though it's 35 degrees and neither of you are wearing sweaters.

Christmas gift guide

Want a great Christmas idea? Give someone an afghan. They're both itchy and cozy at the same time, reminding us that there must be opposition in all things. Young kids can benefit the most from this lesson. Old people can benefit the most from the extra layer. There is no need to be ashamed of poor circulation.

I just made a hoagie sandwich

Sister Villenstein's pray took so long on Sunday that it gave me a chance to prepare and eat a hoagie sandwich before she finished. Delicious.

This week's 15th most popular sin

Dressing up in a sexy nurse costume even though Halloween is over and you're not a nurse.

General Authorityship 101

Starting this spring, BYU will teach a class on how to be a general authority. The class not only prepares participants in becoming general authorities, but it will also help you learn lots more scriptures, including a few about faith, and some about prayer.

Class topics with include:
1. How to select a proper necktie
2. Which shades of dark blue are appropriate for a suit
3. How to lovingly scorn sinners
4. Voice intonation
5. Avoiding loud laughter
6. Avoiding fun
7. How to read from a tele-prompter
8. Food storage myths
9. The two occasions when it's ok to swear
10. Whether or not Steve Martin is a Mormon and if not, what can we do to get him to be one
11. How to cut down a walnut tree you planted and make your very own podium
12. Celebrities we wish had never been Mormon to begin with
13. White hair, gray hair, no hair--It's all good
14. The real reason blacks couldn't hold the priesthood for a while
15. Underground tunnel navigation review
16. Where to find stories of kids falling down wells, or stories about people picking up talking snakes
17. How to donate to Rush Limbaugh
18. Most hilarious excommunications
19. Be sure to marry someone better than you, but that talks to adults like they're talking to a kindergarten class
20. Doctors that will discretely remove tattoos - (no one's prefect)

Who would Jesus Bomb?

I saw a bumber sticker today that said, "Who would Jesus bomb?" which is sort of silly, because they didn't have bombs back then.

Trip down memory lane

Last night I thought I was taking a trip down memory lane but apparently, according to my son Nathan, I was taking a trip down dork lane.

Ironic, I'd say

Are you like me? Don't you think it's ironic that brother Don Berger is a vegetarian?

Let us teach the young kids what is cool

When I first became bishop two years ago I thought one of the perks would be that when I interview people, I would get to see some people I hate, cry. But as it turns out, I don't hate anyone and I never really have. So that was a silly thing to think would be a perk. 

Instead, I should have realized the perks would be that I'd see an increase in the spirit in my life and that I'd get a good parking spot at church because I'd get there before anyone else, and things like that. This calling is really teaching me a lot. 

Learning from the Lord is cool. Now, we just need to find a way to teach the young kids that having the spirit is cool. Wearing your pants low isn't cool. Reading the scriptures in your native tongue or a secondary language is cool. Hitting people in the face with a mud-ball isn't. Helping a neighbor throw out rotten food from their cellar is cool. Calling someone a douche-bag isn't. Getting the crowd to sing "Teach Me To Walk In The Light" if you're in a group where someone passes out and you're all standing around while the paramedics work on him, is cool. Memorizing lines from popular movies, like Legally Blond and A Dirty Shame, isn't.

Now, let's just teach the young kids.

Who would Joseph Smith vote for?

I had a dream last night that Joseph Smith prayed to find out who to vote for and his answer was that he should not vote for any of the candidates. That none of them would lead us in the right direction. But instead, that he should write in the name of Kelly Ripa. That's when I realized I was dreaming.

How have you fallen so low?

Well, thanks again for our guest bishop stepping in while I was away with the family in Lubbock Texas. One thing that happens to a man when he goes to Lubbock Texas is that he realizes how much the Lord has blessed him to be able to live in Provo Utah, what, with these beautiful mountains and our plentiful shopping areas that are closed on Sunday. Lubbock, my heart goes out to you. You have no mountains and your stores are open on Sunday so your town folk may be tempted to break the Sabbath. Oh, Lubbock Texas, how have you fallen so low?

A poem for Lubbock

Lubbock, tempt me not

with our trinkets and your wine.

I never meant to sin

in such a dusty place.

O Pioneers!

I'm not saying that being a pioneer crossing the plains would have been easy. Of course they had their challenges. But sometimes I look back at their time and can't help but wish I could have been one of them, with their nice cowboy hats, their matching shirts and their gitty-up sing songs. Sure I'm happy with what I've got, but a fellow can dream, can't he?

This week's 23rd least popular sin

Making sculptures of the Provo Temple out of Spam, then selling them on Craigslist as "The Lord's Most Edible House".

Just like last year, we'll have another guest Bishop

Next week my family and I will be unable to attend our ward. We're going to Lubbock Texas. It's that time of year again when we visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

And, just like last year, (read about it here) I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop".

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

Also, don't tell him about the ward boat fund. I think that if you do he'll be jealous when he goes back to his own ward. And don't tell him about Mr. Wiggles, the ward dog, either. And come to think of it, don't tell him about how we just had "casual Sunday" and that we all wore shorts to church. And don't tell him about the snake that lives in the relief society room. And don't tell him how I burst out laughing during brother Calberts testimony last year. (So disrespectful. If he were still alive I would so tell him I'm sorry). But do tell him how I let any of the ladies wear fancy hats inside the church, like they sometimes do in those Baptist churches. (I love that about the Baptists). So while the guest bishop is here, mostly, just carry on like we're a normal ward.

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

Ward Boondoggler - Ashley Knudsen
Ward Knudsen - Todd Boondoggler
Ward PR specialist - Calvin Billden
Ward Halloween Party Pooper - Martha Oberman (again)
Ward Chorister - Bill Romero
Sunday school teacher for the CTR-B class - Rob Sadler
Ward Cartoonist - Cal McGovern
Ward Machinist - Mac McCallister
That guys that puts all the Hymn books back after Sacrament Meeting - Olaf Skulgen

Without purse or scrip

Are you like me? Do you sometimes run down to the store without purse or scrip and then you get to the checkout line and that's when you figure out you've left the house without your purse or scrip. So you run home to get them and then you're walking across the parking lot and you hear some teenage boys yell out, "Ha ha. Look! That man's got a purse".

Does that ever happen to you?

Casserole wrestling

It's come to my attention that some members of the ward have begun a casserole wrestling club. Let me state that while it may not be as lurid and sensual as mud wrestling or jello wrestling, it is still unbecoming of a follower of Jesus. I'd like to see that this is discontinued at once. Casserole wrestling--what will they think of next? Actually, please don't answer that. I don't want to know.

The quadruplets - an upadate

It's been over a year since Sister Adler had the quadruplets, Faith, Hope, Charity and Brenda. (You can read about it here). Many of you have been asking why they named the boy "Brenda" and so you'll be happy to hear they decided to change his name to Randy. Believe me, I'm as relieved as you.

Will you be in the ward road-show?

Brother Samuelson is calling to see if you'll be in the road show. If the answer is yes, can you also direct it?

Makes you laugh and think

What's great about the Pearl of Great Price is that it makes you laugh AND think.

Just kidding. It only makes you think.

Spiritial Orgy Way More Spiritual Than A Regular Orgy

The definition of an orgy: A wild party, one involving excessive drinking and unrestrained sexual activity.
The definition of a spiritual orgy: Lots and lots of scripture reading, fully clothed (hats acceptable), and usually around four in the afternoon.

Don't have the first kind.

You can't choose yourself to be Elder's Quorum President

Brother Samuelson is calling to ask that you quit campaigning to try and be elder's quorum president. That's not up to you. It's up to the Lord.

Davey Wicket, you just misunderstood - that's all

Davey Wicket called me yesterday. He was concerned about the reverence level in the nursery. As it turns out, he walked by the nursery room last Sunday just in time to overhear one of the youngsters yell out, "I can touch my eyeball". Thing is, however, that he didn't realize it was the nursery room but thought it was the Family Relations class. Once we realized the source of the misunderstanding, we both had a good laugh. Then I showed him how I can touch my eyeball. One thing you'll learn about me if you're new in the ward--I love to joke and tease.

Heaven's Going To Be Awesome!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Heaven's going to be awesome!

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This Week's Profile: Stanford Camdon

Stanford Camdon may have a dumb name, but he has a terrific job. He owns a company that is the fourth largest producer of circus peanuts in the western United States (not including Colorado). He inherited the company from his aunt who ran the company for years.

You may have noticed that brother Camdon is hard of hearing. That's a result, he shouted to me one day, of being around all the heavy machinery at his factory. You may have noticed that brother Camdon only has one leg. That's because of an accident that took place at the factory years ago. You may have noticed that brother Camdon is missing three fingers on his left hand. He was born that way. Try not to stare.

Brother Camdon, great to have you in the ward.

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord

The young women in the ward have come up with a new fellowship program designed to get more of the less active young men to come and participate. It's called "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord." Let us all pray for its success.

Lex De Azevedo, Where Are You When We Need You

Wouldn't it be great if Lex De Azevedo would write another one of those musicals, like My Turn On Earth, but only this time, it would be about a dashing bishop that loves his ward, sometimes too much. He takes them boating and he's really good at badminton. But he lives next to a guy that thinks he should be the bishop instead and so he goes around telling people in the ward that the bishop isn't very good at playing horseshoes and that he doesn't know how to train a dog, even though he can. Man, talk about tension. How does it end? I don't know! That's why we need Lex De Azevedo. Where are you when we need you?

Don't Forget!

Just a reminder that we've moved "Casual Friday" to Sunday. Won't it be fun to wear shorts to church for once!