Thursday, November 13, 2008

General Authorityship 101

Starting this spring, BYU will teach a class on how to be a general authority. The class not only prepares participants in becoming general authorities, but it will also help you learn lots more scriptures, including a few about faith, and some about prayer.

Class topics with include:
1. How to select a proper necktie
2. Which shades of dark blue are appropriate for a suit
3. How to lovingly scorn sinners
4. Voice intonation
5. Avoiding loud laughter
6. Avoiding fun
7. How to read from a tele-prompter
8. Food storage myths
9. The two occasions when it's ok to swear
10. Whether or not Steve Martin is a Mormon and if not, what can we do to get him to be one
11. How to cut down a walnut tree you planted and make your very own podium
12. Celebrities we wish had never been Mormon to begin with
13. White hair, gray hair, no hair--It's all good
14. The real reason blacks couldn't hold the priesthood for a while
15. Underground tunnel navigation review
16. Where to find stories of kids falling down wells, or stories about people picking up talking snakes
17. How to donate to Rush Limbaugh
18. Most hilarious excommunications
19. Be sure to marry someone better than you, but that talks to adults like they're talking to a kindergarten class
20. Doctors that will discretely remove tattoos - (no one's prefect)


Allie said...

I'm attending BYU right now, and this class sounds like a really great way to fulfill my religion credit requirements. Would you happen to know who will be teaching it? Of course, being a girl, I won't need to learn all of these things. However, it sounds like the perfect place to find a general authority-to-be husband.

Jillian said...

Will this include a lesson for women in leadership positions about how to use your 'prayer voice' at all times?

~*Holla at a PLAYA*~ said...

...Will it also be a prerequisite to have your geneology checked to make sure you are somehow related to the Smiths, Youngs, Ballards, Eyrings or Kimballs? And will you also have to provide documentation that you grew up in the Avenues or the east side of Salt Lake? Just wondering, because those things seem to be requirements.

Bishop Higgins said...

I forgot to mention that you must be "selected" to take the class. You don't just sign up willy-nilly.

About Us said...

In response to what you said on my blog.....I am NOT throwing crab apples at cars!

Most hilarious excommunications is something I'd like to see!

Anonymous said...

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, if you were attending BYU this spring, you would be selected to take the class. No doubt in my mind.

eped said...

number 19! that's great. also, hoping they at least touch on speaking in the passive voice.

wish this was available while Bro. Gordon Jump was still with us.

maybemaybenot said...

Okay, Bishop, I understand why you left off the class entitled "Meat before Milk." Although it might imply that there will be discussion of various parts of the male and female anatomy, full disclosure is preferred amongst us. After all, "we are men (or women) of action, lies do not become us."

I'll be the one on the front, center row. Are recorders allowed?

Laura said...

#19 - lolz!

Oh, and when I had to verify this comment the word was "mantle"...I think that this might imply that I will be chosen to have the mantle of general-authority-wifeship upon me.

beachlady78 said...

Thre new requirements...
2. white
3. and delightsome.