Get to know your ward members: Kom Ulrich

 I’m sure you all remember when Kom Urlich was bishop, right before I was called. A wonderful man. Big heart. It’s big, because it’s a baboon heart. 

He had a heart attack when he was bishop, during Sacrament meeting, in fact. Rushed to the hospital and it was discovered his heart was falling him. 

Lucky for Kom, breakthroughs had been made in supplying a human with a baboon heart. Great for humans, not so great for baboons. 

The hospital received word that a baboon from the Idaho Falls Tautphaus Park Zoo, was about to die from a brain injury but his heart was in tip-top condition. It was a level 7 heart. Level seven was its classification on how good it was and if you know anything about baboon hearts, you know that a 7 is a really good heart. The only thing better than a level 7 is a level 8. Well, I guess a level 9, too. A level 9 is REALLY good. Oh man, I wish he would have gotten a level 9. That would have been awesome. 

But 7 is good. Seven is really good. You probably don’t know all that much about baboon hearts like I do, but let’s just say, if he could get that level 7 heart and if his body would accept it, he was going to be in preeeety good shape. Maybe even return to some of the activities he previously enjoyed: skiing, swimming for pleasure, lap swimming for exercise, splashing in the pool while not swimming, rock climbing, career climbing, skeet shooting, basketball, frisbee, golf, frisbee golf, mini golf, mini frisbee, speed reading, slow cooking, boondoggling, handball, racquetball, baseball. 

Well, sad news. He did not get that baboon heart. There was a mixup at the zoo and they sent the liver instead of the heart and by the time the mistake was discovered the heart was not savable. 

But good news, that baboon had a twin, and that twin was also dying of a brain disease (he got it a different way though) and his heart was in great condition, also a level seven!

But sad news. Another mixup. The people at the zoo had that baboon taxidermied, organs and all, so there goes that heart. 

But good news! Those two baboons weren’t actually twins, it turns out, they were actually triplets and there was a third baboon, also dying with a weird brain disease but a really solid heart. It was a level 7 diamond, which is better than a seven but not as good as an 8. 

No more mixups at the zoo (learned their lesson) and the heart took. That baboon heart is beating in Kom’s body right this second. 

It’s a baboon miracle. 

Dating advice from Brigham Young

Our ward historian, Brother Melden, has recently discovered an interesting historical document, and would like to share it with the ward. It is dating advice from the prophet Brigham Young, dated 1873. It is a privilege to see this before the rest of the world.

Brigham Young: Brethren, when courting a young lady, it is important to remember to let virtue garnish your thoughts unceasingly. And don't forget to bring her a carnation. If you can, give her father a mule upon arrival. Not necessarily every time, but the first time, and then about one month later. 

Always wear your best. Take her arm when walking down the street and make your intentions known from the very beginning. If she is to be your four or fifth wife, it is important for her to know this right from the start. Never bring any of your other wives on a date with a prospective wife.

Do not pet.

Properly choosing a prospective date can be subjective, but within the following constraints. A proper lady will be able to play the harpsichord and can recite many poems. If the poems have been learned from sailors, steer clear of this one. If she snorts at any time, that indicates a problem.

Often you will ask yourself, but what will I talk about? Ask her about herself. Ask her if she has any fond memories about crossing the plains. Ask her if her shoulder is to the wheel. (It's a metaphor. If her shoulder is actually on a wheel, that's worse than snorting). 

You may also want to ask her where she gets her petticoats. Then come and tell me. Some of my wives would like to find out where the best deal on petticoats can be had.

And always, always, always, remember to ask if she has any sisters.

Most Popular Sins - historical edition

This week's most popular sins are from 1890

1. Dilly-dallying
2. Exposing ankles in mixed company
3. Murder

Primary Birthday!

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week.

Can you guess who it is?

• This girl got a Barbie for Christmas
• She has three sisters and loves to share with two of them
• Can't pronounce her R's correctly, yet
• Favorite TV show: Dora the Explorer and Breaking Bad
• Favorite movies: Tangled and Reservoir Dogs
• Threw up last time she ate beets
• Won the spelling bee this year 
• Still wets the bed about once a week
• Is a beautiful singer
• Cried when her turtle died, even though they'd only had it for a couple weeks
• Loves visiting her grandmother in North Dakota
• Helped her mom can peaches this summer
• Holds grudges
• Wants to be a ride a trapeze at some point in her life

If you guessed Cody Ranzen, you weren't paying attention. It's a girl! If you guessed Linsay Copp, you're crazy. Lindsay hasn't been in our ward for, like, 6 years. But if you guessed Hailey Adler, you're right! Happy Birthday, Hailey.

A diary excerpt from Jonah

Dear diary,
You're never going to guess where I am. I mean, honestly, if I tell you, you are never going to believe this. I'll give you some clues. Because of where I am right now, I predict I'm going to be talked about for at least 50 years after my death. Also, it stinks in here. And, Geppetto, the father of Pinocchio is here, too. You're right! I'm inside the belly of a wale. How did you guess that?

Geppetto has been here a long time. He's put up shelves and keeps a few things there. He's said I can have the middle shelf, but honestly, I don't think I'm going to be here all that long. My plan is to pray for forgiveness and hopefully be barfed out. I'm not sure what's going to be worse. Barfed out, or coming out the other way. In any case, I've got to get out of here. I can hardly stand the smell, and just think, if email was already invented (it's not) I'd probably have like, 200 new messages when I got out of here. And imagine if Facebook was invented (it's not) my status update would probably say something like, "786 BC better be funner than 787 BC. Being in the belly of a whale sucks."

Our newest ward member

It was his mother that named him Gorb. She was going through a rough patch in her life and when asked about the name, that's really all she'll say. "I was going through a rough patch at the time. I couldn't think straight. I also bought a monkey and two parrots. I thought I needed company. Gorb's father left me and I thought I needed company. Now, though, I hate monkeys. You might think, oh, monkeys are so cute and furry and they don't need any attention and they like to wear tiny sweaters. Ya, well, let me tell you, that aint true. You're thinking of kittens."

And so, there you go. That might help you understand a little bit more about Gorb Thomposon, our newest ward member. Gorb tells me that he wears the eye patch in the same way many of you wear a hat. He says, "Have I lost my eye? No! Do people wear hats because they lost their head, or because they want to make a statement?" I asked Gorb what statement he was trying to make and he said, "Who said I was trying to make a statement?"

This is going to be fun. Also, let's remember that Jesus said love everyone. 

This week's primary birthday

Someone in the primary has a birthday this week. Can you guess who it is?

This girl got a new dress for Easter
She has three sisters and loves to share with them
Has a lisp
Will probably have to go to summer school
Her favorite tv show is CSI Miami
Sneezes when she goes out in the sun
Her favorite food is her grandmother's oatmeal (oh, come on!)
Wet her pants in school last year
Has a dog named Leonardo "whiskers" DiCaprio

If you guessed Ronnie Lawson, you're crazy. He's not a girl. But if you guessed Caroline Smitts, you're still crazy. She's 65 and in prison. But if you guessed Addison Rogers, you're right!

Get to know your ward members

Meet our newest member, Phillip Muert.
Brother Muert has spent most of his early life in Wyoming. He was born in Opal, Wyoming when the population was only 100 people. As a child, he liked day dreaming and watching women's wrestling, often at the same time. When brother Muert was 12 years old, his family moved from Opal to Pine Bluffs, then to Pine Haven, and finally by the time he was 16, they had settled in Pinedale.

After serving in the Navy, brother Muert attended Cheyene College where he received a B.A., cum laude, and was also given the award as "Most likely to sneeze during a live theater performance". He later received an M.A. from Cutler University, a place that was entirely made up by Phillip and named Cutler University because he felt it sounded prestigious.

It was at this point in his life when he did not invent the microwave oven. Someone else did.

In 1971 he received a Ph.D. from an actual university--Brigham Young University, where he first came in contact with the Mormons and was invited to be baptized. He was also elected to the Honor Society and began bowing and tipping his imaginary hat whenever a lady was present. After receiving a Ph.D. from BYU, Dr. Muert then began teaching at Snow College until he recently retired and moved to Provo. Upon arriving back in Provo after all these years, he remarked, "This is adequate. And has anyone seen my teeth?"

In addition to teaching, Brother Muert is involved in several activities. He enjoys collecting yarn and he is a member of several historical societies, and is currently the chairman of the Board of Trustees on the Historical Coal Miners Society of Utah. He also serves as the secretary of the Historical Society of Utah Historical Societies.

He has delivered a number of lectures on a variety of subjects, none of them very interesting. He is also an extraordinary pick-pocket.

Brother Muert and his wife JoAnne are the parents of 14 children.

Get to know your ward members - Artie Furb

The first thing you're going to want to know about me is that I'm a lover, not a farter. See, get what I just did there? What I really am is a joker. I love to joke and tease. Mild practical jokes are my specialty. One of these days when the cops show up at your house to tell you that your son is missing, it may be true, or it may be me, just playing a joke on you. You just never know. And that's why it's hilarious, and you've always got to be on your toes when you're around me.

I was born in 1940 in the back of a potato chip truck. Oh, wait. No, that's where I was concieved. I was born in the front seat of a station wagon on the way to the hospital. My dad didn't realize how far along my mother was in labor, and so he stopped off to get a malt at the malt shop in town. He still would have made it in time to get to the hospital, but he also applied for a job while he was there, was given a job on the spot, and started work right away. 30 minutes later, I was born.

My parents named me Chilton Van Hubbard. A name I always hated. So when I turned 18 I marched straight down to the court house and changed my name to Artie Furb. I realize now I made a terrible mistake. But at the time, I thought I had made the right decision. So many things in my life are that way, and I'm guessing it's the same for you. You think you should buy a Geo. You become an accountant. You call a bunch of lumberjacks "sissies". You think no one at work will find out about your cross dressing. You know what I'm talking about. On the one hand, there's no going back. On the other hand, it's these things that shape us and make us who we are. It's these things that we look back and laugh about. Except for that lumberjack thing. Those guys are still after me.

The Prophet Noah talks to his son

Thanks to our ward historian Verna Corber for passing along this ancient dialogue. Noah talks to his son on the second day of being on the arc.

Son: Dad, I was wondering if you could open the door and I could just go back outside for about 20 minutes.

Noah: Of course not! We're all sealed up and soon we'll be floating away. Honestly, boy, what is the matter with you?

Son: Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't 100% certain that it would actually rain. I mean, I  didn't mind helping with the arc because I thought it would be an awesome club-house if it didn't rain. And then we started getting all the animals, and I thought, holy smokes, my dad is really serious about this.

Noah: Of course I was serious about it. I'm serious about everything. I'm even serious about growing a beard.

Son: Yeah, nice beard.

Noah: Thank you son. I don't get told that very often.

Son: Well, I really do need to get out of the arc.

Noah: I already told you. The answer is no. We must stay in here until there is a sign from God. Why are you interested in leaving the arc?

Son: I want to run home and get a few extra sweaters.

Noah: Sweaters?

Son: Well, yeah. Like I said, I didn't really think we'd be going through with this so I didn't pack very much stuff, and it's a lot colder in this arc than I thought it would be. I had no idea it would be this cold.

Noah: Well the answer is still No. If I let you go for a sweater, your sister will want to get out and go get a jade bracelet or some decorative ribbons.

Son: Why would she need decorative ribbons on a boat?

Noah: That's not the point. The point is, if I let you get out, others will want to get out and the next thing you know some of those sinners will want to get on the boat and we won't have enough room for them and the plan will be out of whack and God will say, why doth you stray from the path in the name of three sweaters?

Son: I can see where you might think that. But on the other hand, he might say, Oh, look how Noah is so good at being adaptive in difficult situations as they arise.

Noah: I doubt he'd say that. You don't know him like I do and I can honestly tell you that it's highly unlikely he'd say that.

Son: Hmmm….Ok. But how long do you think we'll be in here?

Noah: I don't know, but if I was to guess, I'd say five days. Six days, tops.

This weeks's primary birthday

We have a birthday in primary this week! Can you guess which child it is?

He/she is going to be a comma for Halloween this year.
This person loves to eat cake with double the frosting
He/she has a pet ferret but his/her parents are worried it will die because this is his/her third one in less than a year.
This person's favorite place to visit is his/her grandparents in Palm Springs.
This person's least favorite place to visit is his/her other grandparents at the Golden Urn retirement center
He/she is already getting acne and she/he is only 11.
Limps to try and be funny (but it's not).
Loves to help his/her baby sister clean her room and cross the street and eat her candy if there's extra.
Favorite movie: Tangled.
Enjoys long walks on the beach. (At this age? Weird).
Refers to pants as slacks. (At this age? Weird).
Is weird.
Participates in every blood drive the ward has.
Loves to make pancakes and give her parents breakfast in bed.
When he/she grows up, wants to be a person "that works at a store".

If you guessed Ella Muggland, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Tyler Hamburgsly, you're right! Happy Birthday, Tyler!

Heaven's going to be awesome

One of the most spiritual websites on the internet (except LDS.org, this website, and all the websites that sell CTR rings) just posted my list of some of the ways that heaven is going to be awesome. Read them here - modernmormonmen.com/2011/10/heavens-going-to-be-awesome.html

Note: The list can be used in Sunday School lessons about heaven related topics, but probably not appropriate to rub it into people's faces that you know will never get to heaven because of all their wanton sinning.

Baby Blessing

Brother and Sister Cassbaugh blessed their brand new daughter Zooey at their home last Sunday evening. It was a wonderful experience. Since they blessed her at their home, instead of at church, we will print the blessing here.




......We bless you to never snort while laughing. We bless you with the ability to like spicy food. Just think of the advantage you have over those that say salt is as spicy as they can handle

We bless you to properly choose a mate. And paint colors for your first house.

We bless you to be a good speller. Especially on your blog. People will crucify you for poor spelling and will think that if you can't spell very well you must be from Richfield, Utah.

We bless you to not get any serious diseases with hilarious names, like, Rickets, or Restless Leg Syndrome.

We bless you to have Chinese friends. We bless you avoid getting an eagle tattoo. Wait. What am I saying? We bless you to not get any tattoos at all. But if you must get a tattoo, we bless you to get one that is classic and timeless, like a cypress tree, or a cresting wave.

We bless you to discern right from wrong as well as right from left. And by left, I'm talking about liberals. And by liberals, I'm talking about anyone that supports socialist government programs, like government insurance, and city libraries.

This might be a good time to tell you that your mother and I are already so very proud of you. The nurses told us you were the smartest one-day-old baby they have ever seen. And we expect that to be the way your whole life will be. We expect that you'll be so much better than almost everyone you come in contact with. But be humble about it. Learn about humility from your parents. We are so humble. Our neighbors are idiots, but do you think we say that to their face? No. We do not. We just take them fresh tomatoes (when in season) and offer to have our maid help them bring in their groceries. But do you think they do that for us? Never. They don't even have a maid. Or a gardener. And believe me, they could use one. Wait until you are a couple years old and you can see their back yard. If there was a blue ribbon at that county fair for the biggest, most robust weeds, our neighbors would win with flying colors. And don't even get me started on their oldest son, Brig.

Humility. We bless you with humility. And with great hair. Your mother has great hair and watching her fling her hair from side to side as she walks down the street is like watching an angel come down from heaven. And so we bless you with great hair.

We bless you with the desire to do genealogy. Because we don't want to do it, and someone in our family should.

We bless you with the strength to stand up for yourself. If someone says, hey lady, come over here and carry my bags for me, we bless you with the wherewithal to say, no, I haven't finished my salad yet, and plus, I don't want to break a nail. And then we bless you to somehow end up marrying that guy, because he's a world traveler and tans easily. And when he asked you to carry his bags, he mistook you for someone else. And when he finds out who you really are, you will both laugh, and say, it was all just a silly misunderstanding. Romance, begin.

We bless you to use Twitter as a missionary tool. So many people on Twitter just talk about sports or a burrito they just ate. We bless you to use Twitter to talk about how this world is going to hell in a hand-basket and that we need to all do a better job of following the ten commandments. They're commandments, not suggestions, people!

We bless you to always respect your elders. Good social graces and the manners they grew up with will never go out of style. Well, curtsying probably has. Also, "swooning" is a lot less common.

We also bless you to be our favorite daughter.

Amen.

Ward Sponsor

Perhaps you've seen it listed on our sidebar over there to the right, but I wanted to bring your full attention to the fact that we now have our first ward sponsor and we are just delighted. Our ward sponsor is a wonderful company called A Little Bit Cleaner Carpet Cleaning. What's neat about it, is that there's probably a commandment about having clean carpet. You can watch the promotional piece here.

Beets and beds, or, the reason I'm so gosh darn happy

I was invited to participate in a religion conference last week and, of course, I jumped at the chance to tell people about our way of thinking and how fun it is to go boating on Saturday instead of Sunday. You know, people think of the commandments in two ways. Either they think of them as a restriction to their lifestyle, or they think of them as a restriction that will ultimately lead to happiness. And I'm in that group.

The commandments lead to happiness. There's no denying that. Helping, giving, taking your old bed to the Deseret Industries so that someone else can enjoy what you now hate, is really the way to peaceful living.

My mother in Texas lives right next door to the most unhappy man I've ever met. Last time I was visiting my mother I took this fellow some beets from my mother's garden and I asked him if he has ever donated an old bed to a second hand store. He said no. I told him that's probably why he was so unhappy and I gave him the beets. Now I don't know if I made a difference in his life. But that's not the point. The point is, I am so much happier than him. And I'm not better than him. That's not the point, either. But I am better at being happy. And I am better at giving away beets. And beds.

It's like my mother always says. It's better to beet a man, than to beat a man.

Calendar of events

The June calendar of events is available and can be seen here.

One item has been left off. It's the ward french horn concert. It's been left off the calendar because no one in our ward plays the french horn.

Those things for which we are thankful

So often when we say our prayers and say what we are thankful for (teeth, moms, freedom) we forget some of the small things that are just as important. What I'd like to do is suggest some things that you can start incorporating in your daily prayers that you may have overlooked. You can thank me later.

• That tri-tip steaks are not made from Rhinoceros meat
• Circulation
• That someone else may have corns on their feet, but you don't
• Meatloaf (the meat, not that loaf, the singer)
• Stationery
• Bouillon cubes
• Lex De Azevedo
• That dot matrix printers are now only used at hotels in Mexico and not around here
• The laughter of a child
• That you don't have triplets
• Things that are fortified
• That Jimmer is a Mormon
• That you don't chew like a horse
• That the stain came out
• Plenty of parking whenever you go to Fillmore Utah
• Wink, wink (I think you know what I'm getting at, here)
• Soft rock
• Sunsets, or your wife's clavicle -- You choose
• Your properly formed ears 
• Vivint. (Just kidding about this one!)
• That someone else made this quilt

Pray on, brothers and sisters. And just as a reminder, do not direct your prayers to Mitt Romney. I think we've been over this before.

Lastest ward callings

Ward talent scout - Sister Carly Phelps
Jewish ambassador - Sister Julie Bachler
CTR ring re-sizer - Brother Kurt Wiest
Ward linen napkin folder (for our fancy parties) - Sister Sarah Dunster
Ward scape goat - still receiving revelation on this one
Ward calling caller - the Lord

Brother Royal Samuelson

Our faithful executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, is calling to see if he can bring by a casserole. You can hear the call on the Modern Mormon Men blog here.

And remember, if you need to make an appointment with the Bishop, you need to call brother Tom Davis, secretary to the executive secretary, who will make an appointment with you to see our executive secretary, Brother Samuelson, who will be able to schedule your appointment with me.

All things are done in wisdom and order.

This weeks's primary birthday

Our birthday boy or girl this week:

• Loves Ballet
• Enjoys taking the family dog, Digler, on walks
• Has on leg shorter than the other
• Has been to Hawaii twice
• Has never made his/her own bed without being asked
• Thinks farting is funny (it's not, though)
• Has memorized 14 scriptures from the Book of Mormon
• Is related to Boyd K. Packer
• Loves to play Angry Birds (duh, who doesn't)
• Wet his/her pants twice last month at school
• Is looking forward to growing a garden with the family this year.

Can you guess who it is?

If you guessed Arnie Vecks, you are so wrong. But if you guessed Sharley Taylor, you're right! Happy Birthday, Sharley.