Sunday, June 29, 2008

This Week's Primary Birthday

This week, the child in our primary that has a birthday:

  • Loves pizza
  • Just got a new red bike for his/her birthday
  • Doesn't like squash
  • Wishes she/he had a snake
  • Bed wetter
  • Cries when she/he hears thunder
  • 76% attendance in primary last year
Who is it?

If you guessed Cole Borden, you are so wrong. If you guessed Missy Dalton you're right! If you guessed Jack Ericson, why are you still guessing? I just told you it was Missy Dalton.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

This Week's Fifth Most Popular Sin

Adding Satan as a friend on Facebook.

"...I only said it would be creamy"

"I never said churning butter would be easy, I only said it would be creamy."

That heart-felt bit of dialogue is from the new pioneer commemorative pageant that our ward will be putting on for the whole stake. This year, for the 24th of July, we have some stake-wide activities in addition to our own individual activities. And each ward in the stake has been asked to do something for the stake get-together on the 24th of July. Our ward was asked to put on a commemorative pageant, the 9th ward was asked to bring a salad. (Hardly anyone in that ward can sing).

Our hats go off to the wonderful ward choir for their part in this. Then our hats will go right back on because we'll all be participating in another handcart trek. You may recall how, in previous years, you've been asked to supply your own oxen. This year will be no different.

Put your shoulder to the wheel, brothers and sisters. It's that time of year again.

Monday, June 16, 2008

New ward librarian not grumpy enough

We'll be offering Elly Conberg, our new librarian, curmudgeon training. She'll be learning how to scowl if you check out more than ten pencils and she'll be taught to be suspicious of giving supplies to anyone under the age of 37.

Why we use the consecrated oil

I had a dream last night that a stick of butter said to a vial of oil, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" and challenged the concecrated oil to a duel the next day at high noon. The stick of butter lost the duel. The consecrated oil shot and killed the butter, and in my dream, that's the reason we use consecrated oil.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

This Week's Second Least Popular Sin

Making fun of people with buck-teeth and telling them that they could probably eat corn through a picket fence.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Boat fund

Thanks to the recent boat fund donors. You will be blessed for that. So you say, in what form will the blessing come. Many forms. First, you will feel a sense of warmth and peace pass over you knowing you did the right thing. This will come almost immediately. If this has not come yet, find a quiet spot and contemplate how much fun you'll have out on the lake when we all go boating as a ward family. If that doesn't bring a sense of peace, it's possible you did not donate enough money. The second way that a blessing will come is through some coupons in the mail. Have you heard of ValPak? These can be redeemed at many of the local merchants for services that you probably already need. Lawn aeration. Wisdom teeth removal. And from time to time you might get a coupon that lets you save money on stabling a horse.

Monday, June 09, 2008

I have no idea why you are still up

I just went for a walk around the neighborhood. It's very late for me. I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm every night. You know what they say: Early to bed. That's the whole saying. Early to bed. There might have been more, but normally, then you go to bed, so there isn't time to go on about making a man healthy and wealthy. But listen--that's neither here no there. The thing I wanted to write about was that as I walked through the neighborhood and peered in some of your windows to check on you, I was surprised to see how many people were still up. It's midnight for heaven's sake. What, brothers and sisters, do you do this late at night? I just have no idea why you are still up.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Destroying angel actually quite a nice fellow

Sister Rose Gopsong had one of those near-death experiences and while "dead" met and interviewed the Destroying Angel. She said, as it turns out, the destroying angel is quite a nice fellow-- gentle, good sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes. Isn't that neat! I sure wouldn't have guessed all those things. Thanks, Rose.

We do not pray to Stephen Covey

I just had a long conversation with a neighbor of mine. He just moved here from California and has so many misconceptions about Mormons. Just to be clear, we do not pray to Stephen Covey. We can pray for him, but not to him. He will not answer your prayers. I'm not even sure he will hear them.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Trespassory asportation.

Sexual Innuendo On The Rise

I just finished reading a report stating that the amount of sexual innuendo we see on TV and movies is on the rise. I read that and was flabbergasted. I nearly had a flabbergasm. What is happening to our world?

Friday, June 06, 2008

It needs be...

It needs be that I need new lawn chairs. Save it be that our others are worn out. I will go down to the Home Depot tomorrow, save it be, that it is Saturday, a special day.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Bishop’s Conference

I can’t wait to go to Bishop’s Conference next month. It’s held at BYU every other year and it’s for Bishops in the church to get together and talk about issues we all deal with every day.

There are classes and lectures to attend, firesides, and an ice cream sundae bar that would make any 15 year old kid wet his pants. It’s just like youth conference but without the dance on Saturday night.

(That would be real funny if someone in the planning department forgot that only Bishops were coming and so they put “Dance” in the program for Saturday night and then everyone would just stand around at the dance, real uncomfortable, just staring at the most attractive bishop wondering if they should ask him to dance just because they’re all at a dance, or maybe they shouldn’t because someone would think they were gay because they were dancing with another guy even though--hey--you put it on the program, so, that’s why I’m dancing. That would be real funny and then every year after that when you saw the other Bishops that were there you would slap each other on the back the way men do and you’d say, “Remember that year they accidentally had a dance and Bishop Wacolmb asked Bishop Nordon to dance and it turns out they both knew the Foxtrot?).

Even Kurt Bestor will be there to perform.

The Lordiest Month

Let’s make June a month filled with service and love and thankfulness. Let’s do more than we have ever imagined possible and make June the Lordiest month we’ve ever had!

Get to know your ward members

From time to time we highlight some of the most active members of the ward, which causes some of the less actives to feel less important. This saddens me. They are not less important. I keep telling them that. Why don’t they listen? I have even said it over a loud-speaker while driving by their house.

So today I’m going to highlight of our less active members--Plappen Elker. (Weird name, I know). Plappen, as you may be able to tell from the smell coming out of his home during dinner time, is not from the United States. I don’t know where he’s from because he is very hard to understand. He has told me on more than one occasion, but I really don’t have the foggiest idea. It may be near the Philippines. Either that, or it is on the opposite side of the globe as the Philippines. One or the other. Or neither. It just occurred to me that maybe his brother is living in the Philippines. Or maybe he was saying some name that sounded like the Philippines. In any regard, he wasn’t born in Utah. I’ll just tell you that. But he lives her now, and we’re pleased and delighted to have him in the ward. Also, he is very good at Ping Pong.

This Week's Third Least Popular Sin

Feeding lasagna to a horse, just to see if she will eat it.

Snake Heaven

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what it’s like in snake heaven. So I was at a loss a few days ago when little Maggie Pelten cried on the phone to me about a lost snake. They thought it might have crawled in to the VCR, but truth be told, they weren’t entirely certain. (I would not eat at the Pelten residence for at least three months, if I were you). She asked me if her snake was going to heaven. I told her of course her snake was going to heaven. Unless her snake has been smoking tobacco cigarettes and marijuana cigarettes, or unless her snake has been writing graffiti messages on the lavatory walls at school. She assured me that her snake has not being doing any of those things and I told her then her snake would be going to heaven. She asked me what snake heaven was like. And I have to be honest with you, I didn’t know what to tell her. See, sometimes, as Bishops, we don’t have all the answers and I don’t think we are expected to. On the other hand, sometimes we are expected to know the answers. This is one of those hands where I didn’t know. What would you have told little Maggie?