Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Sins? We forgive 'em

Life can really get you down, can't it. We try to live the church standards but sometimes Satan just gets a hold on us and he won't seem to let go. Next thing you know you're dialing one of those numbers you see at the back of free newspapers and you're phone bill runs up to $300. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you brother Stevens. Well, just in case some of you were mired in guilt and forgot about which, of the many sins you can be forgiven, here is a list to refresh your memory. Keep in mind, this list is not comprehensive. See, there is hope.

  • Lusting after Katherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Penelope Cruz or other popular film and television personalities
  • Backbiting
  • Inviting your friends upstairs when we specifically asked you not to
  • Adultery
  • Destroying other people's property
  • Failing to pay taxes
  • Failing to pay an honest tithe
  • Paying tithing on money you won in a dog fight
  • Laughing really hard and pointing at others that are less fortunate than you, or, laughing at someone that may be wearing pants that are called "high water" pants
  • Cross dressing
  • Pretending to be a real massage therapist
  • Public nudity
  • Private nudity if you aren't married
  • Private nudity if you are married but are nude, privately, in front of someone other than the person to whom you are legally and lawfully married.
  • Suing people for no good reason
  • Dry humping
  • Check bouncing
  • Check humping
  • Dry bouncing
  • Hiding your talents under a bushel


Jeremy said...

are u sure dry humping is a sin? I don't recall this sin listed in Miracle of Forgiveness. Plus, when I was working at JB Big Boy in Rexburg,my boss told me it wasn't wrong, and he lives in Rexburg.

Bro. Burton said...

At the elder's quorum party last month, one of the Elders (who shall remain nameless) was passing out flyers trying to get us all to come to a meeting at his house to show us how we could become financially independent and I declined to take one because I was going to be busy at the cannery that night.

This Elder then proceeded to tell me I was committing a sin of ommission by not taking care of the future financial securtiy of my family. Was Brother Tarpington right in calling me to repentance, or is becoming a Zomba Juice Sales Rep. truly my ticket to the Celestial Kingdom?

Please advise me, oh wise Bishop.

Brother Burton

Anonymous said...

Jeremy is always telling girls at the stake dances that dry humping is ok. Last week he gave Sabrina Duggins a hickie that looks like the Angle Moroni, he also said that was ok becasue it would remind her to read her scriptures.
I think he needs a PPI.
Janelle R

Bishop Higgins said...

I don't know what a hickie is, but anytime you can give something to others, well that's a pretty darn good idea. And when you can give somebody something that looks any one of your popular angels then I think you're on to something.

Bishop Higgins.

Anonymous said...

Bishop Higgins,

Quick question:

Who has the highest salary in the ward? (You know this because of tithing settlement). I'll be very jealous if Brother Peterson makes more money than me.

All the best,

Brother Ryan Sorenson

Bishop Higgins said...

Brother Sorenson,
That's a good question and the answer will surprise you and may even shock you and may even disappoint you and may even anger you, which is too bad to let something like that get your goat. Why do you get angry so easily. I remember a couple years ago when your son left the rake on the lawn and you made him sleep in the garage and told him, maybe that will help you remember where to put rakes. Anyway, to answer your question, it's Gilbert Francine. He gets enormous royalty checks from when he was on that TV show in the 50's called "The Palm Aide Variety Hour". Lunch boxes, puzzles and a number of different toys from that era are now being made popular from people in large cities with nothing else to spend their money on, other than worldly possessions and designer clothes for their poodles. If you ask me, it's grotesque.