Did you know...?

Did you know that Brigham Young had a vision wherein he saw that if Porter Rockwell lived in our time he'd drive a Hummer? It's true.

Murder In Pioneer Village!

Just kidding. This is Provo. Butter churning in Pioneer Village. That's more like it, yum yum.

Hidden talent under a bushel

I happened to be looking under a bushel (not my own bushel) and found Chuck Ardent's singing voice. Why, Chuck, were you hiding it under that bushel?

Here's what boils my blood.

As the bishop of the ward, I get a little worked up when I hear about our members sinning. Here is a list of actual statements I've overheard recently when they didn't know I could hear them, and it really just boils my blood.

"Petting is an enjoyable activity."

"When I'm thirsty, I reach for an alcoholic beverage."

"Once I learned how to win at Blackjack, everything was all right."

"Coffee makes me feel alive."

"I emotionally neglect my spouse but totally make up for it at Christmas and also in the bedroom, if you know what I mean."

"When I drive past the Larsen's house and wave, I count that as home teaching."

"General conference is so boring. I'd rather play badminton."

This week's ninth least popular sin:

Putting a lot of clowns in a tiny car and promising them that someone, somewhere, will think it's funny.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Dill Billett (It's not French. It's pronounced how it looks).

Dill Billett met his wife under unusual circumstances. He accidentally ran over her with a car while pulling out of Hogi Yogi one night. He rushed her to the hospital during which, she had a vision that she should marry Dill. Later, after they had been married for a couple years, he ran over her with the car again. This time on purpose. Not very nice, if you ask me, even if it was just her leg. He was taken to jail, then anger management classes, then to Los Hermanos where he apologized to his wife.

Dill has been in our ward for six years now and has served in the Scouting program. Not the one with the boy scouts, but the one where we used to keep a lookout on the roof of the church. We were all paranoid that hooligans were going to egg the church during sacrament meeting and felt like we needed a scout; a lookout. No one ever did egg the church, and I feel like it was, in part, because Dill was such a good Scout. He has also served in the primary as well as the secondary. Thanks, Dill, for being a part of our ward.

A pioneer tribute

I posted this picture last year and felt it was worth posting again this year. As we have just had Pioneer Day, let us always remember the sacrifice of our ancestors.

No, there is no "Hunchback Branch"

It's strange, but brother Alan Siepert, our ward liar, has been quiet for a few months and hasn't tried to spread his lies for some time. But I knew that silence was too good to be true. The problem with brother Alan Siepert's lies, is how believable they are, and how effective he is in convincing the ward that what he says is true. So while we do have the Spanish Branch in our stake, believe me, we DO NOT have a hunchback branch. As far as I know, there are no hunchback branches anywhere in the church. Let's be very clear on that.

Brother Siepert, why do you do this?

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Asking a hunchback to try on your football shoulder pads.

Jesus also healed the hunchbacks

Last night as I was reading the scriptures to my youngest son, Trevor, he asked me why Jesus only healed the blind but not the hunchbacks. I'm telling you this in case you get asked the same question from your own children. I told little Trevor that of course Jesus healed the hunchbacks. We just don't have a record of it. He healed many people with a variety of ailments from bee-stings to blindness and back down to bee stings then over to cramping and heart palpitations and everything in between. Including hunchbackedness.

Who would you rather baptize?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or, Captain Hook?

Why I Don't Let Satan Temp Me

I can only imagine how vivid my imagination would be if I was to let Satan have his way with me and my thoughts. And I don't like what I'm imagining. Although I will say, that blouse is a nice color on you.

Happy Pioneer Day

This week, let us always remember the pioneer stories. For example, the faith promoting story of how one pioneer had a vision of the future and saw what we now know of as the "car". Once he saw these motorized hand-carts in a vision, he realized he could just stay in Missouri, (which he did) and then two generations later, his ancestors were able to get in a car and drive to Salt Lake. On their way, they stopped in Wyoming for ice cream.

Happy Pioneer Day, brothers and sisters.

Really, a tragedy

I just found out that the wonderful publication Brigham Young Look-Alikes Magazine will be folding after only three issues. This is a real tragedy, but shouldn't be all that surprising when you think about it. I mean, where were they going to get all that content month after month?

Sometimes I forget

We had to cancel the primary kids social this Saturday because we forgot that was the same day we were holding a church court for the primary president. I really don't know how that slipped my mind. But you think that's bad. You should have been there when I forgot I wasn't supposed to tell my wife (or anyone for that matter) the reason why Candice Egbert came to my office crying last week. I really am forgetful sometimes.

I go one step further

You know how we are supposed to have clean hands and a pure heart? I go one step further. Whenever I read the scriptures I make sure I have clean hands, pure heart, AND fresh breath.

Third Nephi Chapter 14 - Revisited

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words, a ton of people took notes but then argued like crazy about who had the correct version.

2 For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged, except for Judge Judy, who, quite honestly, will be laughed right out of heaven.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest that the acne he has is way more noticeable.

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye, and can I also borrow your bicycle?

5 Thou hypocrite. You just told your friends that your brother’s bike is a piece of junk and now you want to borrow it?

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine. In fact, don’t cast your pearls at all. There’s a pretty good chance your husband paid a lot of money for those pearls and casting them before swine or anyone for that matter makes no sense at all. No pearl casting. I should have made that commandment number eleven.

7 Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. This is a pretty simple, three step process. What part of ask-seek-knock don’t you understand?

8 For every one that asketh, shall receive 20% off during the month of April.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread will give him a stone? It’s hilarious to do it, but ultimately, not very nice.

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? Or if he ask for his pearls to be cast before swine, cast them instead before a fish? Or if he asks if he can get a rabbit, you say, only if you like rabbit stew?

11 If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Probably a lot more than Santa.

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law of the prophets. Another law of the prophets is to try to do as much good as possible and prophesy and all that, but also spend at least two hours a week on a hobby. This will keep you from being too serious.

13 Enter ye in at the strait gate. You’ll need to park in the north parking lot and then head towards portal D, section 8. That’s where the strait gate is.

14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. That’s why there’s a map printed on the back of the ward bulletin. We want everyone to be able to find it.

15 Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing. Let me just stop right there and say that I can’t believe I even have to tell you this. I mean, listen, anyone that comes to you in sheep’s clothing is obviously suspect. That’s like pointing out that the sky is blue. Beware of anyone is sheep’s clothing, yes, and by all means, do not buy insurance from this man.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. And also, their last name will be Stevenson. Do men gather grapes of thorn, or figs of thistle? No one I know does that.

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit. But you still need to pick the fruit and make juice. I’m not going to make a orange juice tree. That would be weird.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Imagine how confusing that would be. Especially to a blind person.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. That reminds me, do not let the little ones play with matches. I can see into the future you know, and I’m just telling you, do not let the kids play with matches. How important is it for you to keep your garage? Ok then. Do what I say.

20 Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. By their nuts ye shall know them even better. Because anyone that shows up with a handful of peanuts is a cheapskate. Anyone that comes with smoked almonds in a fancy can, well, now you’re talking.

21 Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. That’s because we’ve instigated a program where you need a membership card and I just know some of you will forget yours when you come to heaven.

22 Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name, and in thy name have cast out devils? And I will say, yes, ye have done these things. But I just told you you need a membership card. Maybe you cast out your card by mistake when you were casting out devils. And by the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you this--not all those spirits you cast out were devils. Some were really nice spirits and they were planning on being down on earth for a lot longer and then you cast them out and they had to come back early. We weren’t quite ready for them so they had to wait in a waiting room, and I’m sorry to say, the air conditioning wasn’t working in there for a few days and you should have seen how much they were sweating.

23 And then will I profess unto them: I never knew you: depart from me. But then I’ll get feeling bad and wondering if I was a little too harsh, so I’ll invite them back.

24 Therefore, whoso heareth these saying of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock and who uses really nice faucets in all the bathrooms.

25 And the rain descended, which is weird, because it wasn’t supposed to rain until Wednesday.

26 And every one that heareth these saying of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand, and also shall be likened unto the contractor and the building inspector that were foolish enough to give the project the go-ahead. I mean, it’s on sand for crying out loud.

27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and I hate to say I told you so, but...

This Week's Seventh Most Popular Sin

Lighting baby mice on fire, twirling them around and shouting, "Look, I've got a sparkler."

Scout Fund Raiser

This year for the scout fund raiser we are asking the ward members how much they will pay us to NOT be called as scout master. It's a pilot program. If it works, we are going to do something similar for ward mission leader.

Oh, if only this could be something real.

What if you could buy your testimony. That would be great. And what would be even greater is if you could get them at a store called Stockton to Malone Testimony. I’d pray for that, but I’m too busy praying that my son Nathan will get a job this summer. I wish he could work at Stockton to Malone Testimony.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Barlow VanKildone

Barlow VanKildone will be the first to admit that he has a soft heart. He will be the third to admit that he has a temper, and he will be either the tenth or the eleventh to admit that he looks like a freaking idiot when he grows a beard, which he does every year during hunting season. But back to the soft heart. It is because of that, that we made him the canning specialist. There is no real direct correlation, but I just felt as though a person that cares deeply for others should have a say in the way chili should be packaged. I don’t really know why, but that’s one of the great things about going by the spirit. You don’t always know the reason why. Sometimes you’ll find out the reason in three years, sometimes you just might never find out. You just go with it. So can on, Barlow. Can on!

That's Just A Little Too Conservative

My sister is just a little too conservative for me. I mean, I like being conservative and voting for Mitt Romney and making sure the ten commandments are hung in our courthouses across this land, but my sister won't eat foods described as "tangy" and she refuses to give any of her friends a "shout out" when she thinks they've done something neat. That's just a little too conservative for me.

I Doubt This Book Will Sell

I’m not using the power of discernment when I say this (I’m using what’s know as common sense) but I just don’t think Margo Baillet’s book “Using The Power of Discernment Instead of Common Sense” will be a big seller. Who knows. I’ve been wrong before. The year was 1983.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Untoward groping.

Classic mix-up

Heavens, what a classic mix-up.

What happened, see, is that we had intended for brother Guy Fillaber to come and speak with the Elder’s Quorum about his harrowing journey through drug addiction and on the same Sunday, we had planned on having Milo Tucket come speak to the youngsters about how to raise rabbits. It’s seems funny now, but we had a classic mix-up so that Guy Fillaber told the youngsters about drug addiction (and a graphic play by play explanation of his intravenous injection, also known as “shooting up”) and Milo Tucket spoke to the Elder’s Quorum about how to raise rabbits (they are born blind and hairless and can easily contract Coccidiosis which can spread quickly).

Oh, my. Funny. This is one Sunday you won’t want to ask your kids what they learned in primary!

PS - Dogs can also get Coccidia. And black tar, smack, junk, skag, horse, brain, chaw, chiva, china white and dust are all “street names” or “slang” for heroin.

Donkey Sacrament Meeting

Many of you know of my love of Donkey Basketball. That's why you won't be surprised to hear that in two weeks we will be having a Donkey Sacrament Meeting.

That was one hungry ox

So many have asked about the wisdom of bringing a live ox in the foyer of the church to remind you all of our ward hand-cart trek. The ox ate the flowers and put a hole in the sofa with its hoof. Still, I stand by my decision.