Friday, July 25, 2008

Here's what boils my blood.

As the bishop of the ward, I get a little worked up when I hear about our members sinning. Here is a list of actual statements I've overheard recently when they didn't know I could hear them, and it really just boils my blood.

"Petting is an enjoyable activity."

"When I'm thirsty, I reach for an alcoholic beverage."

"Once I learned how to win at Blackjack, everything was all right."

"Coffee makes me feel alive."

"I emotionally neglect my spouse but totally make up for it at Christmas and also in the bedroom, if you know what I mean."

"When I drive past the Larsen's house and wave, I count that as home teaching."

"General conference is so boring. I'd rather play badminton."


Reita said...

No wonder there is no comments, everyone keeps telling you you're full of Dung. Nobody actually says thing like that while you're evesdropping.

eped said...

gadfrey! and half of those were all from the same conversation. but I didn't think anyone was around. were you hiding in the plant?

also, Bishop, is it OK to say "full of Dung" and still hold a temple reccommend?

Python, Monty said...

Q. What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A. Dung!

Sam Nehor Jones said...

In the spirit of driving by, I've decided when I wave my debit card at the church building, that counts as tithing.

As for fast offerings.... Since I never eat on Sunday anyway, I don't actually skip any meals, so I pay that amount of not skipping meals.

Which is zero.

So, yes, I'm a full tithe payer. Mark that down so I don't have to come to tithing settlement. It's creepy how you always try to push those candy canes on us.

Bishop Higgins said...

Really, Sam? You think kindness is creepy? I feel sorry for you and I will say a prayer for you and I'll ask my wife to do the same. Of course, I'm going to do it out of the kindness of my heart, so I hope you don't think that's creepy.

Sam Nehor Jones said...

It's only creepy when you do it. It makes me nervous how you look at me over the top of your glasses sometimes, like you can peer into my soul.

You shouldn't use your discernment for recreational purposes!