Third Nephi Chapter 14 - Revisited

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words, a ton of people took notes but then argued like crazy about who had the correct version.

2 For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged, except for Judge Judy, who, quite honestly, will be laughed right out of heaven.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest that the acne he has is way more noticeable.

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye, and can I also borrow your bicycle?

5 Thou hypocrite. You just told your friends that your brother’s bike is a piece of junk and now you want to borrow it?

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine. In fact, don’t cast your pearls at all. There’s a pretty good chance your husband paid a lot of money for those pearls and casting them before swine or anyone for that matter makes no sense at all. No pearl casting. I should have made that commandment number eleven.

7 Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. This is a pretty simple, three step process. What part of ask-seek-knock don’t you understand?

8 For every one that asketh, shall receive 20% off during the month of April.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread will give him a stone? It’s hilarious to do it, but ultimately, not very nice.

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? Or if he ask for his pearls to be cast before swine, cast them instead before a fish? Or if he asks if he can get a rabbit, you say, only if you like rabbit stew?

11 If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Probably a lot more than Santa.

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law of the prophets. Another law of the prophets is to try to do as much good as possible and prophesy and all that, but also spend at least two hours a week on a hobby. This will keep you from being too serious.

13 Enter ye in at the strait gate. You’ll need to park in the north parking lot and then head towards portal D, section 8. That’s where the strait gate is.

14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. That’s why there’s a map printed on the back of the ward bulletin. We want everyone to be able to find it.

15 Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing. Let me just stop right there and say that I can’t believe I even have to tell you this. I mean, listen, anyone that comes to you in sheep’s clothing is obviously suspect. That’s like pointing out that the sky is blue. Beware of anyone is sheep’s clothing, yes, and by all means, do not buy insurance from this man.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. And also, their last name will be Stevenson. Do men gather grapes of thorn, or figs of thistle? No one I know does that.

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit. But you still need to pick the fruit and make juice. I’m not going to make a orange juice tree. That would be weird.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Imagine how confusing that would be. Especially to a blind person.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. That reminds me, do not let the little ones play with matches. I can see into the future you know, and I’m just telling you, do not let the kids play with matches. How important is it for you to keep your garage? Ok then. Do what I say.

20 Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. By their nuts ye shall know them even better. Because anyone that shows up with a handful of peanuts is a cheapskate. Anyone that comes with smoked almonds in a fancy can, well, now you’re talking.

21 Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. That’s because we’ve instigated a program where you need a membership card and I just know some of you will forget yours when you come to heaven.

22 Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name, and in thy name have cast out devils? And I will say, yes, ye have done these things. But I just told you you need a membership card. Maybe you cast out your card by mistake when you were casting out devils. And by the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you this--not all those spirits you cast out were devils. Some were really nice spirits and they were planning on being down on earth for a lot longer and then you cast them out and they had to come back early. We weren’t quite ready for them so they had to wait in a waiting room, and I’m sorry to say, the air conditioning wasn’t working in there for a few days and you should have seen how much they were sweating.

23 And then will I profess unto them: I never knew you: depart from me. But then I’ll get feeling bad and wondering if I was a little too harsh, so I’ll invite them back.

24 Therefore, whoso heareth these saying of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock and who uses really nice faucets in all the bathrooms.

25 And the rain descended, which is weird, because it wasn’t supposed to rain until Wednesday.

26 And every one that heareth these saying of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand, and also shall be likened unto the contractor and the building inspector that were foolish enough to give the project the go-ahead. I mean, it’s on sand for crying out loud.

27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and I hate to say I told you so, but...