Monday, March 23, 2009

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Putting a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt (the three years ago Jennifer Love Hewitt) over the picture of your wife in that family picture that you've got hanging in the hall.

Celebrating our 273rd post!

Wow! Can you believe it? This is our 273rd post. This blog was started in 2006 and while there weren't many posts that year, there sure have been a lot since then. Who cares, you say? It's significant, because 273 is how old Joseph Smith would be if he were still alive and if he had been born in 1736!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Not everything has been invented yet

Just click on the historical document to view it larger

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pretty cool badger, dude

Pretty good week, this week, although I don't know that brother Topper Bottomus would say the same thing. Car trouble again and this time, not with the engine. Raccoons. They've been living in the backseat, and as you know, he delivers the Thrifty Nickle newspapers and so sometimes that back seat gets pretty crowded and cramped. Good thing he never had kids because where would they sit?

So he found out about the raccoons because of the badger. I didn't even know they lived in this area, but if anyone could attract a badger and a family of raccoons on accident, it would be Topper Bottomus.

Turns out those raccoons had been living in the car for about two weeks. One of the smaller raccoons of the bunch, got out during a routine stop on the newspaper route and went straight up to a badger and took a carrot right out of his mouth and ran back to the car. That badger took off after the raccoon and didn't catch up to him until he was in the back seat of Topper's car. Then a fight broke out.

This was all being witnessed by two teenagers. One of them slumps over more than my son Nathan and the other one slumps over even further than that. When Topper got back to the car and saw four dead raccoons and a live badger in the back seat, all those two boys said to him was, "Pretty cool badger you got there, dude".

Anyone in the ward need a badger?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ward Update

Pretty uneventful week, this week. No funerals. No one tried to steal the tithing money. And Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay, went on a date with a woman. Also, remember how our ward snake got out of it's case and couldn't be found anywhere? We found him. He was up by the organ. Little rascal was trying to play How Firm A Foundation. It's that snake's favorite hymn.

Now, tomorrow at church, let's all try to be extra nice to Sister Renee Thurber who just moved in to the ward. She doesn't have a calling yet but I thought it would be hilarious to call her as Scoutmaster. I won't, but I just thought it would be real funny.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Milking Cow

Click on the image to view it larger.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

How To Say I'm Better Than You

Nothing says, "I'm better than you" better than a super cool CTR ring that's better than the next guy. Thank goodness, then, for this site. Notice the Salt Lake Temple in the right upper-hand corner. That means they really love the Lord. And don't forgot the ICTDTRT rings we mentioned back in 2007.

Ward Auction

Big success at the ward auction on Saturday. If you weren't there, you really missed out. I just wanted to mention of few of the items that surprised me as being big ticket items. I would have thought no one would bid on these, but boy was I wrong.

1. Free annual polyp removal for life - Donated by Sister Jessica Cottle - $415
2. Cross-stiched sign reading "A back rub in the front room leads to a front rub in the back room". - Donated by Sister Trudy Cooper - $175
3. Interpretive statue of Lorenzo Snow's beard - Donated by Brother David Heap - $95
4. The quilt Tabitha Clawson slept with before leaving our ward for juvenile detention - Donated by Sister Clawson - $295

Friday, March 06, 2009

I'm a lot like Mitt

So many people tell me that I remind them of Mitt Romney.

We both like to spend quality time with our family. We both worship the same God. We both wear suits a lot. We both love to employ immigrants. We both ran for president of the United States--wait--never mind on that one. I didn't.

It's just that there are so many similarities between us, I sometimes don't know where the similarities begin and end. In fact, last year, there was one whole week where I told people by mistake that I grew up in Michigan and that my dad's name was George! Crazy. Truth is, I grew up in Texas and I have no idea who my dad is!

I've had people tell me I sound like him and that if my hair was as nice as his, we'd have similar hair. I've had people tell me I shake hands like him and some people have said if they didn't know Mitt Romney, they'd mistake me for him.

It's flattering, really, but when it comes down to it, I'm happy I'm me. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Not a doctor, not a photographer, not a guy working at home depot, not a rail road conductor, not a guy that goes around and reads the gas meter, and not an ex-governor of Michigan.

But still, I am a lot like Mitt. There's no denying that.

If Mitt Was In Our Ward

If Mitt Romney was in our ward, what calling do you think he should have?

I think he should be called as our ward president. Not the same as the bishop. The ward president would decide if we should go to war or not and he would write public policy and he would visit the troops if needed. He would also put his presidential seal on some documents and would ride in parades. And here's the part that may confuse some people. I would still forgive people, he would be the one that pardon's people.

I wonder why we don't already have someone in that position.

I also think Mitt would do a great job in primary.

My Conversation With Mitt Romney

I wonder what it would be like if I ever got to meet Mitt Romney. Would it go something like this?

Me: Hi Mitt. Nice to meet you.
Mitt: Call me "all holy one".
Me: What the--are you kidding?
Mitt: Why, I guess I am. How about that. I just said a joke! It wasn't funny. It's not like I'm Bill Cosby or George Burns anything, but I said something that wasn't meant to be taken serious. That's neat. I think I'll go brush my hair.
Me: But wait. I wanted to ask you about how to get to be perfect and should I buy a new boat or keep the one I've got.

I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney

Sometimes we just do what the brethren say. And that's the case in this case. I thought it would be a good idea to change the words to the popular primary song I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus to something that would teach the kids about role models in our day and age. So I thought I'm Trying To Be Like Mitt Romney would be a perfectly good idea. Stake President Martin feels a little differently about it. He asked that we only sing the original version. I reluctantly agreed. So that's what we'll do. Sorry kids. I know some of you were very excited about it, as was I. We can still revere Mitt Romney. President Martin didn't have anything to say about that.

(I'll bet President Martin voted for Obama.)

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Remember The Ward Dinner This Week

Our ward dinner this week will be called "Steak Conference" and we'll be having steak. And ribs. And cake. Our "steak conference" will be held this Saturday, the day before Stake Conference. Plan on feeling the spirit both days, but only getting free meat on one of them.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I Don't Know The Answer To This

One of the ward members asked me a good question. I don't know the answer, but I'll open it up for all of you to give your oppinion. Here's the question.

If you come to this earth and are given the last name of "Plowman" will you get extra breaks when you go to heaven on account of having to go through life with the last name Plowman?

As I said, I don't know the answer. But I will say this. At least you name isn't Seimens. Or this would be hilarious. What if your name was Tim Nuggets. Ha ha ha. Tim Nuggets. Who would ever want to be named Tim.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Fish Sticks

There was a lively discussion in priesthood meeting this past Sunday. Some said that when Jesus fed a big crowd with only seven loaves of bread and two fishes, it might have gone something like this.

Disciple: Welcome to the sermon. Can I interest you in some bread and fish?
Sermon-goer: How much is it?
Disciple: Free! We're just giving it out willy-nilly.
Sermon-goer: How is the fish prepared?
Disciple: Breaded. In fact, it's actually a fish stick.
Sermon-goer: A fish stick? Uh....I'll just have the bread, thank you.
Disciple: Suit yourself.

This is not doctrine. Just something some of the brethren were tossing out as a possibility.

Ward Callings

The new ward callings this week are as follows:

Ward Locksmith - Shanon Papenfuss
Ward Dietitian - Tristan Jones
Ward Falconer - Kristen Danielson
Ward Peeping Tom - Thomas Peeping, Sr.