It's true

I know this might sound like a cliche, but a bird in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Finally - The casserole committee has been formed.

Sister Wainscough has been called as president of the casserole committee. As you know, this is one ward that takes their casseroles seriously. New baby? The mother gets a casserole. Broken leg? The injured gets a casserole. Death in the family? Casseroles all around. In fact for years, many of the sisters in the ward were members of the highly elite group of casserole bakers called "Casserollers". Only 50 people in the United States were members.

However, lately, some have felt the quality of casserole being baked and delivered to members of the ward have faltered. This was made clear last month when Sister Odin was assigned to take Sister Blazer a casserole. As it has been reported to me, all Sister Odin did was fold a pizza in half, stick it in a bowl, and call that a casserole. It's not. And it disrespects all the other ladies in the ward for whom casserole baking is an art.

And so the casserole committee has been formed. What this means, is that if a casserole is to be delivered to any member of the ward, you must first submit portions of that casserole to Sister Wainscough or any member of her committee. It is recommended that a second casserole be made and submitted so that the casserole to be delivered can still remain as one that has not been tasted.

This committee will solve all our casserole problems, I am sure of it.

This week's top sins!

Well, the votes are in. As I've met with some of you from the ward this week, I've come up with a tally of the most confessed sins. Here are the top five.

1. Breaking the word of wisdom
2. Lusting after Sister Blassengame
3. Pride
4. Sending roses to Sister Blassengame
5. Not reading the scriptures.

Let's do better this week!

That was the worst testimony I've ever heard

Last Sunday, little Roger Briggs had the worst testimony I've ever heard. My wife said, "But he's only five". That may well be, but he never mentioned any member of the Godhead or his family or his health or how much the bishopric cares about him. None of that. Just some stupid thing about a dog and a turtle. I don't know why I'm so mad about this, but it really gets my goat.

"Best Blessing" contest - This idea is wonderful, wonderful to me.

People of the ward!

I have just been given a revelation regarding something that is really going to be fun. And if this doesn't bring the ward close together, I don't know what will. Here's the idea. We are going to have a contest to see who in the ward can give the best priesthood blessings! Why hasn't this been done before? It's such a great idea.

It's going to work like this. We will pass around a sign up sheet at church on Sunday. Any worthy priesthood holder is welcome to participate. (Unworthy priesthood holders can participate too, I guess, but you're just going to lose to a more powerful, more worthy priesthood).

Each person will be assigned one of the ward invalids. You will race to the invalid's home, give them a blessing, then come back and wait in the chapel until that person is healed. The first person to have their invalid reach full recovery will be the winner and crowned "Best Blesser" and the looser will be nicknamed “The Lesser Blesser”. I'm even going to see if President Martin will let us use some of the tithing money on a trophy. See you Sunday!

Someone called me an idiot -- I called them to repentance

Here is an actual email I received recently:
Warren Jeffs must be your hero!
Right!
Get a life! You look like a Idiot on your website!

I called that person to repentance with the following response:

Dear Brother or Sister,
When you talk like that you do not have the spirit of the Lord, which is too bad, because it's the best kind of spirit you can have. Learn to strive for it. Other kinds of wholesome spirits you can have are team spirit and the spirit of St. Louis.

On another matter-- Warren Jeffs is not my hero because he is a law breaker and a commandment breaker. My heroes always do what is right. Maybe you don't know brother Cardsdale in our ward, but to me, he is a hero. Ever since he was a child he walked with a limp and he was made fun of at school by some of the mean kids. Did that stop him from going out for track? No. It did not. Did he make the track team? No. He did not. But the point is, he walks with a limp and that's who I respect. I see him out there every week mowing his lawn. Never asking for help. Paying a full tithe. Limping. Always limping. That's my hero.

If I had to guess, I'll bet that you do not have the spirit of the Lord and you are so angry because of a sexual transgression that you feel guilty about. You must repent. And whatever you do, do not let it lead to homosexuality. Am I too late? Is that the real reason you are so angry with God and with me (and in reality, yourself?)

Bless you.
Bishop Gerald Higgins

Loud laughter addiction night cancelled

Brother Dalton was planning on leading a discussion group this Wednesday on how to avoid loud laughter to those in our ward that seem to have an addiction to it. However, it has been cancelled because he will be in the hospital for the next two weeks. His wife has informed me that he slipped on a squeaky toy that his son left at the top of the stairs and he landed at the bottom with a broken hip and a broken arm. His wife thought it was hilarious, but I see nothing funny about it. I also don't see anything funny about cataracts, scurvy, the gout or restless leg disorder which is also sometimes referred to as Jimmy Legs, The Orchestra, spare legs, "the kicks" or sewing machine foot. And I don't remember if I mentioned this in Sacrament Meeting last week or not, but Brother Mendleson has restless leg disorder and we should remember him in our prayers.

Did someone borrow the organ?

Quick question. Did someone borrow the organ this week from the chapel? I'll just ask that you please return it. We'll need it tomorrow for Sacrament Meeting.

Love,
Bishop Higgins

Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled

Sister Metcalfe, our activities committee chairman has informed me that Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled due to some confusion regarding our agenda. This disappoints me on many different levels and I just want to say to brother Clovenhuff that there is a reason it was called Burning In The Bosom night and not Teat Grab Night. Frankly, I'm too disgusted to write about this further.

A brand new ward calling I invented!

Just wanted to let you know that sister Tina Vickers has been called as the President of the Beehives. Not the Beehives young women's group--but the actual beehives--hive of bees--that we will have stewardship over this year at the church farm. In the fall, we'll have a honey sale at the church and the beehives will provide the dinner. And now I'm talking about the young women's group.

What's more lovely than a kitten?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praisworthy, we seek after these things".

If that's true, then I believe God wants us to look at this picture of a kitten. Consider it a commandment of God to stare at this kitten. For some, that might mean 30 seconds. For others, two hours. I can't tell you how long to look at this picture of a virtuous kitten. You'll have to use the spirit to know for sure.

New tithing program unveiled by me - Tithing Elite!

I know pride is mostly bad, but I am so proud of my new idea. It’s a new program I’m calling “Tithing Elite” and it works like this. If you pay 12-15% tithing (instead of the required 10%) for a consecutive four months, you will achieve Tithing Elite Status. This will allow you reserved seating in the chapel on Sunday (padded benches, of course) as well as a light buffet after church every Fast Sunday. More benefits will follow as we continue to instigate this amazing new program.

Jesus never gave anyone a toaster oven.

I'll never understand why some of you continue to believe anything that brother Siepert tells you after all the times we have exposed his web of lies.

Let me make this very clear--We are not giving away toaster ovens to members of our ward that decide to start attending after being absent for six months or more. We will welcome them back to the fold. We will help them fix their toaster if they have one that needs fixed, but we are not offering prizes and awards in an effort to lure members back to church. The "prize" they will receive, will be the "prize" of spiritual blessings. And those kinds of blessings will sell for a much higher price on the heavenly E-bay than any toaster oven ever could. Even if it was an expensive toaster oven with an automatic shut-off and self cleaning feature.

Brother Siepert tells lies. You must use the spirit of discernment when you speak to him. We love him, as we do all members of our ward family, but he speaks with a forked tongue.

Love,
Bishop Gerald Higgins

You must supply your own oxen

As you may know, brothers and sisters, the third ward commemorative pioneer handcart trek will be taking place this weekend. Myself and sister Metcalfe from the activities committee have made some assignments. Some of you have been asked to provide a handcart and some of you have been asked to provide a wagon pulled by an ox.

We've been getting quite a few of you that think the ward ought to supply you with the oxen. No no no. The church didn't hand out oxen to the saints before they crossed the plains and we will not be handing out oxen this time either. Part of what you will learn, brothers and sisters, is that crossing the plains is hard, whether or not that means finding an oxen or burying your own child in frozen ground.

On this matter, I will not budge.

Also, some of you have been assigned a salad or a dessert for the picnic afterwards.

Love,
Bishop Higgins

Quick announcent

I dont want any of you to drink root beer starting next Monday during our "Avoid the appearance of evil" week.

Blessings.

The only "F" word here is for "Faith"

One of my sons told me that blogs are only used by kids that want to write about how they hate themselves and they always use the "F" word. Well, I don't know how true that is, but the only "F" word you're going to see on this blog is "Faith". And also "Fat" if I'm referring to people that don't follow the word of wisdom.

The stake president sends his love

Yesterday at church I forgot to mention that I had a meeting with President Martin on Saturday and he sends his love. Next week I'll be in the foyer hugging most of you and putting a snug arm around the waist of all of you others. That will be the love from President Martin.

I'm not exactly sure how he wants me to send his love. I never got a chance to ask him. He said he sends his love and then he quickly changed the subject to a couple people in the ward we're going to have to ex-communicate. I can't tell you who they are, but I will tell you it was not sexual sin. (You always just assume it was a sexual sin). It was because they stole tithing. Oh, it's so hard for me to keep a secret. I'll give you a hint. One of them just bought one of those new Susuki Grand Vitara's.

There's a new bishop in town

As you know, I was just called to be the bishop the first week of April 2006. So I'll ask for your prayers and your patience as I learn my new job. I'm sure you will all agree with me that our previous bishop, bishop Stenton did a remarkable job and we are all very sorry that he has decided to leave the church and become a polygamist.

Sister Peterson still having headaches

Just wanted to let you all know that Sister Peterson is still having her headaches and we request that you continue to pray for her. Also, if anyone has any asprin she can borrow then that would be appreciated.

Blessings,
Bishop Gerald Higgins