Could All The Old People Please Stand Up, Now Sit Down, Now Stand Up Again

I really have to apologize to all the old people in the ward for what I did in Sunday School. For those of you that were in the Temple Preparation class or in the primary, I'll tell you what I did. I had to make an announcement about our canning assignment this coming week, so I said, "Will all the old people please stand up". Then I asked them to sit down. Then I got a hilarious idea. "OK, now stand up again. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down." I wanted to see how many times I could do it before Sister Call gave up. Boy, she was a trooper. I didn't know if she'd ever quit, and then all the sudden there was a loud "snap" and she quit standing. I wish you could have all seen it.

But I really do need to apologize because a couple people had to be carried out in to the hall and given water. I didn't really intend for that to happen or for anyone to get hurt and I guess I didn't think it through very well. It's rare, but sometimes Bishops make mistakes, too.

I promise I won't do it again. Yes I will. No I won't. Yes I will. No I won't.
Just kidding. I won't. I promise.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Brother Phillip Gully.

Phillip Gully hasn't always been without an arm. He was born with two, just like many of us. It was during World War II when he lost it. He was out picking apples, intending to send them to his older brother, a soldier, fighting in Germany. That's when little Phillip lost his balance, fell off the ladder, and broke his arm.

His mother was unable to deliver him to the only doctor the town had, because a week earlier she accused the doctor of giving her headaches on purpose. Incessant arguing caused the doctor to throw Phillip's mother out of the office and insisted she never return. When Phillip broke his arm, his mother said she would do all she could to fix it herself. Soaking it in salt water just wasn't enough. The arm became infected, swollen, and eventually fell off all together.

But none of that stopped Phillip from becoming a tennis champion, fly fisherman, policeman, fireman, ping-pong instructor, cyclist, welder, drummer in a Def Leppard Tribute band, to say nothing of his endless church service. He once mowed the church lawn without anyone asking him to do so. On another occasion, he went to the church and made sure all the lights were off one evening. Again, no one asked him to do that.

Phillip's a go-getter. He's goes. Then he gets. I like that about him. A lot of people I know just wait around for you to ask them to do something. Not Phillip. Not Phillip Gully. One-armed Phil. He may have 50% fewer arms than the rest of us, but he has a determination that is 83% larger than anyone else I know.

Who said disease can't be fun?

There are three people in the ward who have recently contracted serious diseases. And as you and I both know, disease is neither fun, nor funny. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In other words, lets play a fun match game. I’ll give you the names of all three people, then I’ll give you the names of the three diseases. Try to match the ward member with the current disease they have. Then, pray for them. But watch out! If you aren’t correct, you could be praying for the wrong thing! Have fun.

1. Belinda Tibbits
2. Fawn Berger
3. Fulton Smythe

a. Frey’s Syndrome
b. Tinea unguinum
c. Gangliosidosis

The Bishop's Store-house Does Not Deliver Pizza

Mistuths, misunderstandings, and out-right lies are spread whenever Brother Siepert has something to say. Let me see if I can clear up any confusion. The Bishop's Storehouse does not deliver pizza and Brother Siepert does not have a special All-Night Delivery Card from me or from any member of the Bishopric. As far as I know, he gets his pizza delivered from Pizza Time on State Street.

My wife is getting sick and tired of getting calls every night after 10pm requesting the Hawaiian special with a liter of root beer. And quite frankly, I'm getting quite sick of Alan Siepert's lies.

Best Issue yet of BYU Disappointment magazine

I love BYU Disappointment Magazine (a magazine of BYU grads leading a life of sin) and have been a big fan since the beginning. I have to say that the latest issue, issue #16 is it's best issue yet. You can get it at the BYU bookstore and I think you'll be glad you did. This latest issue features a young man named Aaron Ekhart, apparently an actor. You can click on the image of the cover, here, to see a larger version.

Brother Samuelson's swelling has gone way down

Our prayers have been answered and brother Samuelson's mysterious swelling has gone down and he's already made some more calls. You can hear the recent calls he has made on our companion pod-cast that is found here:
http://nopetting.libsyn.com/

Bless you, Brother Samuelson

A pioneer tribute

I sure wish I could do this.

I just thought of something that would be real neat. Wouldn't it be great if you could Tivo the Holy Ghost. And that way, if you were ever going through your day and didn't feel the spirit but wanted to, you could just turn it on via the Tivo. I ache for something like this, because let's face it, as good as prayer is, it isn't always as immediate as you would like it to be.

I'd call it Spirit Tivo, or, Spivo.

May herbs garnish you salads unceasingly

I sure enjoyed brother Sawyers lesson about healthy eating. Even though we hear it all the time from him, still, I feel like it's always good to be reminded to eat more wheat grass.

Darn you, brother Siepert

Darn you, Brother Siepert. Please, brothers and sisters. Listen to me. You can not substitute your attendance at Stadium of Fire for one week's attendance at church. I know that the spirit was strong there, (I cried) but it doesn't count as church. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times--Brother Siepert lies.

Casserole of the week - Beefy Cabbage Casserole

Thanks to Brother and Sister Porter for this week's casserole. I do not recommend giving this to anyone under the age of 12. When he was younger, we used to try and get Nathan to eat it but every time he would regurgitate so much it seemed breakfast and lunch were in there too. Also, he'd get hives. But I don't remember if that was from this casserole or from bees. He's allergic to bees. But anyone over 12 will love the casserole. It's delicious!

Beefy Cabbage Casserole

This ground beef casserole is a flavorful family dinner casserole with cabbage, lean ground beef, and cheese, along with a crumb topping.

• 1 teaspoon vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons butter
• 1 pound lean ground beef
• 1 head cabbage -- cut up
• 1 onion -- chopped
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 dash of pepper
• 1 cup cheddar cheese -- shredded
• 1 cup sour cream
• 2 to 3 tablespoons port wine or apple juice
• 1 cup herb seasoned stuffing crumbs, tossed with 2 tablespoons melted butter

Brown beef in the oil and butter, pour off excess fat. Add cabbage, onion, salt and pepper. Cover and cook slowly until the cabbage is translucent, about 10 minutes. Add cheese, sour cream and wine. Mix well and heat through. Transfer mixture to a warmed and greased casserole dish. Top with buttered stuffing crumbs. Bake at 400 degrees for about 10 to 15 minutes, until topping is browned.
Serves 4 to 6.

Special treat - Two new seminars

As many of you know, Brother Eberhart is never one to hide his talents under a bushel. He is a nationally recognized life coach and self help speaker and has developed two new seminars specifically for an LDS audience. Before he begins his touring schedule this year, he has agreed to offer these new seminars to members of our stake for FREE! (A $2,900 value!)

The first seminar is for children, ages 3-11 and it is all about obedience. It's called, "Alrighty, Almighty! Step In Line With The Lord"

The second seminar is for the youth, ages 12-21. It is a wonderful seminar about the do's and don'ts of dating and it's called, "Warm me, don't burn--OUCH--thank goodness for repentance."

We will have all the scheduling details available at church next week.

A Bishop's Confession

Well, now that my son Nathan has already told a number of you, I feel I ought to come right out and say it. I have a poster in my shop of Shelly Long from the TV show Cheers. I should have taken it down long ago. That part is true. And, as many of you know, a few years ago my wife and I were going through a difficult time. It was then that I found comfort in the poster. But, I never spoke to the poster. And I most certainly did not kiss the poster as my son Nathan has told many of you on several occasions including last Sunday during his talk in Sacrament meeting.

Nathan and I have spoken about this and he is willing to admit that part of the story came from an episode in his own life when he kissed a poster of a popular musical group called Christina Aguilera.

I want all of you to know that I will immediately remove and destroy the Shelly Long poster.

Now, let us please get back to how we were before when you confessed to me and not the other way around.

Relief Society Lesson Kits, only $1,300

Sister Guthrie has developed a new spiritual product that all the women teaching Relief Society will want to purchase. It is a relief society lesson kit for only $1,300 dollars complete with the following items.

• 4 seasonal table clothes
• One brass oil lamp
• Large-print version of the poem "Footprints"
• 10 cross-stitched quotes including one from America's favorite Jew, Zubin Mehta
• Porcelain figure of a woman praying
• Porcelain figure of a young boy with one arm, flying a kite
• Porcelain figure of a woman with 8 kids, crying
• Tabletop easel
• Hilarious joke-picture of Dostoevsky getting baptized by David Rodeback

Buy this lesson kit now and feel an increase in the spirit today!

A menu item that's spiritual - The Afterwhich

You know how in church, when someone is conducting, they will announce the speaker and then say, "After which, we will hear from...". Well I don't know about you, but that always makes me hungry. So finally I've done something about it. I've invented a new sandwich I'm calling "The Afterwhich". It's roast beef on rye but with capers instead of horse radish. And, it's to be eaten immediately following sacrament meeting. After which, you can enjoy Sunday school.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Sister Abigale Swenson.

Sister Swenson, a Utah native, grew up in Vinegar, Utah, a town that no longer exists. However, at one time, Vinegar Utah had as many as 2,000 residents, mostly sheep farmers. Sister Swenson learned the value of hard work as she was responsible for milking and feeding 50 head of cattle every day when she was only nine years old. She taught a local Indian boy how to speak English and he in turn taught her his language which he called "Cherekoi". It turned out to be simply "Pig Latin". That would be the last time she ever trusted a man.

As such, Sister Swenson never married but instead learned to trust animals and her own animal instincts. She decided to leave the church for several years when a previous bishop did not allow her cows to be baptized but eventually the Holy Spirit brought her back in to the fold.

Sister Swenson is currently the farm animal coordinator of our ward. At this point, we don't have any farm animals, but if we ever get some, Sister Swenson will coordinate them.

In the Celestial Kingdom, minimum wage will be $26 an hour.

In heaven, minimum wage will be 26 dollars an hours. So, you kids just keep following the commandments because heaven is going to be awesome!

A fourteenth Article of Faith?

If I was going to write Articles of Faith that are specific to our ward and our ward alone, one of them might be

"We believe in being honest, on time for BYC meeting, supporting the young women in their desire to learn needlepoint, and not leaving spent fireworks in your driveway for three weeks after the fourth of July. Geez, Brother Stathum. And baptism."

And that's why I don't wear low-rider pants

This post deleted per request of my son, Nathan.

Let Us All Contract Spiritual Warts: a clarification

I just got off the phone with brother Jepson who wanted me to let all of you know that he didn't mean to offend anyone in Sunday school last week.

As you may know, warts are common, and are caused by a viral infection, specifically by the human papillomavirus (HPV) and are contagious when in contact with the skin of another. What brother Jepson was trying to say when he suggested we should all contract spiritual warts, is that it should be common for us to have the holy spirit with us and that we should spread it to one another.

What he didn't mean to suggest is that we should spread it to one another through skin contact. And unlike what brother Alan Siepert, the ward liar has told everyone, Brother Jepson certainly did not intend for the spiritual warts to be of a sexual nature. But we all sin (although I don't sin nearly as much as I used to and not nearly as much as three of my sisters) and so if you have contracted spiritual warts of a sexual nature, I suggest you come talk to me and I can apply some spiritual Compound-W.

Sister Milner has a two year supply of hair

I'd like to direct your attention to Sister Milner. She is setting a wonderful example to all of us. As you take a look at her, you'll notice that she has so much hair that she now has a full two year supply. It's long, it's curly, it's stacked way up high and it's an impressive example of provident living. We should all be so faithful.