Sunday, July 01, 2007

Sister Milner has a two year supply of hair

I'd like to direct your attention to Sister Milner. She is setting a wonderful example to all of us. As you take a look at her, you'll notice that she has so much hair that she now has a full two year supply. It's long, it's curly, it's stacked way up high and it's an impressive example of provident living. We should all be so faithful.


Danny Boy said...

Dear Bishop Higgins,

Is there any chance that Sister Millner will be contributing some of her hair supply to the local storehouse? As a semi-young man in his early 40's, I'm running low on hair (in the right places, that is) and it would be great to replenish my own supply.

Humbly yours,
Brother Gayas A. Threedolrbill

Girl next door said...

Dear Bishop,
I hate Sister Milner with a deep and abiding disdain. In my opinion she is the Great Whore of Babylon spoken of in the scriptures. She may have a two year supply of hair, but I know for a fact that she and her husband eat at the Chuck-o-Rama every fast Sunday. I just wanted you to know that. Oh, and she wears a tankini to water aerobics.

Ray Hugie said...

Are we to derive from this that only people with a full head of hair are reaching their true spiritual potential.

I personally suffer from mpb (male pattern baldness.) Does this mean that I engage in evil doing ? Do I occasionally look at pornographic material when it gets forwarded to me......

I feel that this post does an injustice to we men of the smooth head. I save a bundle on shampoo and conditioner by the way.

Anonymous said...

Its too bad you dont have a two year supply of good topics to post.

Bishop Higgins said...

It's too bad your sarcasm will get you a first-class ticket to hell. Because that's just where you'll go with a crack like that, you wise-apple. I can tell you don't go to church very often because if you did, you'd know that you should not speak evil of the Lord's anointed, or in other words: me. Have fun in hell. I would come visit you, but I'll be too busy talking to Nephi about the small plates of brass and then to Joseph Smith and Moses and Gladys Knight.

Bishop Higgins said...

To Ray Hugie,
You are being one of those people that is a slothful and not a wise servant.

Listen, just because Sister Milner has a two year supply of hair, doesn't mean you should. It just means you should have a two year supply of something that you will use when the floods and earthquakes come.

I mean, come on. What if I said she had two years worth of beets. Would you run right out and get beets? No. You would probably get a little bit of throw up in your mouth thinking about anyone at all that eats beets, and then you'd get something that you could actually enjoy eating at some point.

This question is the question of a fool. Do you even pray anymore? Because if so, the spirit would have told you this was an idiotic question.

Bishop Higgins said...

Response to girl next door:
Whore of Babylon, you say? I'm intrigued. I mean, that's something I think I should explore further. She may need to come in for an interview.

As for your hatred for her--oh well. You can't love everyone. I mean, I know we are supposed to, but I've always felt like that isn't very realistic. I actually hate a number of people. I can't say who they are, but I can tell you that one night I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to this person's house and started his lawn mower in the middle of the night. I sure taught that guy a lesson.

Bishop Higgins said...

Response to Danny boy:
Rather than concerning yourself with how much hair you can or can not get from others, perhaps you should be focused more on what you can do for others. When was the last time you mowed a neighbors lawn, help clip a widow's toenails, or visit a prison to read stories to the illiterate? My guess is, it's problem been a very long time. Maybe not so long for the prison, but I'll bet you didn't go there to read. See what I'm getting at? The more you keep worrying about me, me, me, the more you'll be asking what's in it for me. That's the wrong question. Here are some that are the right questions.
1. Who's on the Lord's side?
2. When you left your room this morning, did you think to pray?
3. How can I learn to play the violin in three short weeks so I can visit the old folks home and play some of the songs from the musical Oklahoma?
4. Do blonds really have more fun, and if so, to which brunettes should I deliver a casserole.

There. Now that's more like it.

malkie said...

The Sister Milner I'm thinking of has hardly any hair! (on her head, that is.)
Could you please clarify (for those of us with curly non-head hair) just how far we can go in our eternal progression with long hair in other regions? I mean, I'd like to know if I should let it keep growing, or continue shaving every few days.

Bishop Higgins said...

You must be thinking of Sister Milner's mother, Fern. I was referring to Corine Milner that lives just past the orchard. She never married and still keeps the Milner name. She also keeps two hedge hogs and a kitten which is why she smells the way she does.