Friday, January 30, 2009

New Calling Idea

Shopping on Sundays. I'm not going to deny that it happens. From time to time we all need something at the store on Sunday, whether it's toothpaste, ice cream for when the home teachers come over, feminine products for our wife, twine, light bulbs, NyQuil, printer cartridge, squirrel food, birthday candles, milk, or a hungry man TV dinner.

So, you go to the store and later feel guilty. Especially, because when you are there, you see three of your ward members doing the same thing. You look at each other with that uneasy glance. You try not to be seen as you check out what the other person is buying, then say to yourself, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't have waited until tomorrow to buy hair dye for your wife's mustache?" Meanwhile, they are doing the same thing, saying to themselves, "Are you kidding me? You're buying cup cakes? You should be buying carrots instead."

This is not helpful and does not bring us close together as a ward family. It doesn't have to be that way. So, I have a great new idea. We now have a new ward calling. This person will be our designated "Sunday shopper". If you have anything you need on Sunday, simply call this person and they will compile a shopping list. At 3:00pm every Sunday, they will go shopping for anyone in the ward that didn't use Saturday as a special day, a day to get ready for Sunday.

We are calling Ken Webster to this position. What a brilliant idea. I am so smart. I love to think of good ideas. Or, to hear them from someone else, and then use them for my own. Thanks, Ken.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ward Riddle

Question: In what way are Monty Altamonte's temple recommend and the TheraFlu in my medicine cabinet the same?

Answer: They both expired in 2003

Friday, January 23, 2009

That would sure be hilarious

You know how on Fast Sunday you refrain from eating or drinking for 24 hours? Wouldn't it be funny if you also refrained from going the bathroom for that same time period? Whew! Talk about breaking your fast.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This Week's Primary Birthday

Can you guess who are special primary birthday boy or girl is this week?

  • Got a St. Bernard for Christmas
  • Wants to be a bee-keeper or an architect when he/she grows up
  • Birthmark on his/her right shoulder that looks a little bit like Gabriel Kaplan, that guy on "Welcome Back Kotter"
  • Stuggles with math
  • His/her grandmother came up with the line "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash"
Did you guess Madge Ollen? Wrong. She's not even in primary anymore. Did you guess Jesse Calhoun? You're right! Happy birthday Jesse.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Member Quiz

To all the brand new members of the church, quick--answer this question!

Which of the following is a member of the Godhead

  1. Holy Smoke
  2. Holy Ghost
  3. Holy Toledo

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ward Dinner Has A New Name

Every year we have our January ward dinner and call it the New Year Dinner. Boring. This year, it's going to be called, "Sweet Hour of Sweet and Sour Pork". We'll be having sweet and sour pork.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

  • Ward blacksmith - Ric Wyman
  • Committee chairman on the committee to form committees - Karen Kerby
  • Ward horse trainer - Piper Nichols
  • Ward VHS to DVD specialist - Will Bryson
  • Ward fact checker - Kathleen Lentz
  • Ward attorney general - Brad Anderson
  • Ward butter churner - Tyler Leavitt

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Update on our "Tithing Elite" program

It's been nearly a year since we instigated our "Tithing Elite" program and it's been a huge success. Go here and read the post to find out how it got started and what it's all about. You'll also want to read the comments people left when we first started "Tithing Elite" because some people just don't catch the vision.

But that's neither here nor there. The exciting thing is that we have added new benefits to the "Tithing Elite" program. Here are the new benefits for 2009

  • Shuttle service to and from church
  • Complimentary breath mints (can be shared with brother Omel Dellacourte)
  • Either "Sexual Innuendo on the Rise" T-shirt, or "I am way more humble than you" T-shirt. Your choice.
  • Special copy of the ward directory showing the ages of everyone in the ward. (Sister Pinnegar is my same age? She looks so old).
  • Thorough beard combing. (Only to members with a beard).
  • Heated seats in the winter and tiny individual fans in the summer.
  • Sinning "Free pass" given once a month to be used with the sin of your choice. (Sexual sins not included and can not be used with any murder-type sins. "Free sin pass" must be used in the month it is given. Only one sin per sin pass.)
We expect to add more benefits later in the year.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I had a dream I had a vision

Last night I had a dream that I had a vision. In that vision, I was told that I should take a second wife and that it should be that girl from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Ok--Here's the deal. This was a dream that I had a vision which means, it doesn't count as a vision, which means it was just a dream which means anything can happen in a dream.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Of this, there is no such thing There is no such thing at "tithing implants" to make it look like you are paying more tithing than the actual amount. Oh dear. How did this rumor get started? I can't imagine Charlie Tibbles, our ward gay had anything to do about it. How then? Brother Tibbles, everyone is suspect except for you. Sister Laub, I blame you.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This week's profile: Brother Phil Tuffin

Many years ago Brother Phil Tuffin became Wisconsin's youngest senator with the following slogan:
Won't take no guffin
He keeps on puffin
Favorite food: oatmeal biscuits

It's hard to believe that such a slogan would do anyone any good at all, and yet, there you go: Senator. Then, in 1967, he moved to Utah so he could be closer to the Pacific ocean. He didn't want to be too close. Just closer than where he was in Wisconsin.

It was while living in Utah that he first met the Mormon missionaries. Unfortunately, they were a very disobedient pair of missionaries running an illegal dog track and betting operation. So the next time brother Puffin met the missionaries five years later, he was very suspicious. (He had lost over $7,000 betting on a dog name Prince Giggles). But the third time he met the missionaries he was prepared to hear their message of love and peace and life after death, whether or not that was death by natural causes, gunfire, or from a shark attack.

Since that time, Brother Tuffin has served in so many ward callings it's hard to count them all. But I did anyway, and the number is 37. Currently he is serving as ward concierge. Whenever four or more of the members of our ward want to go to the Olive Garden together, Brother Tuffin will call and get them a reservation.

Bless you, Brother Tuffin.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No one thought that

As Mormons, we often hear humorous and not so humorous misinterpretations of our faith. You know what I mean. Some people still think we have plural marriage. Some people think we don't believe in Jesus. Some people think we have horns. (Really?) But I thought it might be helpful to list some things that no one has ever thought about us, and for good reason. None of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true. Let me repeat, none of these are true..

1. Mormons can not have a frogs as pets
2. Anyone caught eating raw meat will be laughed at
3. In the 1950's the word "choosy" was prohibited
4. The secret tunnels under the temple include one path to a room full of fully stocked vending machines and pin-ball machines
5. Mormons sleep one more extra minute than non-Mormons every night
6. 70% of all Mormons (recent poll) think Ryan Seacrest is one of the three Nephites
7. Early members of the church used to think bears should be baptized
8. Most Mormons believe that once we get to heaven, clothes from Old Navy will be marked down ever further!
9. Most Mormons believe that the Nephites were first to invent hot dogs, but the recipe was lost for hundreds of years
10. Anyone wearing black to church usually indicates they've committed a sin of the flesh from the previous week.

Let me repeat, none of these are true. But they sure are fun to think about.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Don't Know How This Vision Helps

Last night while sleeping I had a vision and was shown that if Lorenzo Snow was alive today, his favorite restaurant would be Fudruckers, but that he would refuse to same the name, on account of his desire to avoid the appearance of evil. Good to know, but quite frankly, I'm not sure how this vision helps me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

This week's 44th least popular sin


Sunday, January 11, 2009

From The Suggestion Box

We've had a couple of suggestions that during Sacrament Meeting we have an "old person" section, where anyone 80 years or older would be required to sit. The idea is to cut down on the smell. Thanks for the suggestion, but I think we'll pass on that. If you ask me, that doesn't seem very kind.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Broken Hip Awareness Week

It's that time of year again, brothers and sisters. Careful on the ice.

This Saturday, Brother Callup will be conducting our Fragile Hip Safety Class as part of our stake-wide Broken Hip Awareness Week. All participants will be entered into a drawing for one free replacement hip, as well as some gift certificates to Applebees.

Friday, January 09, 2009

38th Most Popular Sin This Week

Sponsoring two events at Peeping Tom Day.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Allow This Clarification

Little Mary Paremen stated in her testimony today that Jesus was the first person to teach us all to "Be kind, rewind." Wrong! So wrong. Her parents need a family home evening lesson on when the VCR was invented.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Some things we can be thankful for

Sometimes we forget how blessed we are and so I thought I'd just mention a few things that many of us can be thankful for. Feel free to use any of these in your next prayer:

1 - We can be thankful we don't live in Ogden.
2 - We can be thankful that our name isn't Buck, or worse, Bucky.
3 - We can be thankful killer bees are just something the liberals made up to scare us into recycling.
4 - We can be thankful we aren't living in a house with a constant propane leak.
5 - We can be thankful that our wives can cross-stitch.
6 - We can be thankful we subscribe to the Ensign and that it's so affordable, even for poor people.
7 - We can be thankful no one in our ward has to drive a Dodge Omni.
8 - We can be thankful most cell phone plans, now, have the option for unlimited texting. (The pioneers never had this option).
9 - We can be thankful sharks are unable to go on land or to the mall.
10 - We can be thankful that we've put all the Christmas stuff away.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Slacks can be a wonderful gift

When you give someone a present, consider slacks. They can be a wonderful gift. Obviously, your first choice will be to give them a book from Deseret Book, and next, a gift certificate to the distribution center, but after you've covered those bases, think slacks. It's one of the things I got for Christmas and I'm enjoying them right now. I do love comfort.

Friday, January 02, 2009

We're changing the name

As many of you know, our first counselor, Brother Ted Malloy is involved heavily in the marketing field and came up with a peach of an idea. He thought we should change the name "Fast Sunday" to "Poor People Day" in an effort to increase donations. He felt like it would help remind our ward of its purpose and I think he just might be right. Let's give it a go and see what happens.

This post sponsored by Kumpachi Juice. A division of Ted Malloy Industries.