I think I did a bad thing

You know how you are supposed to liken the scriptures unto yourself? Well, I likened them unto my brother and I got such a different read on things that for twenty minutes last night, I felt it was ok to hit my kids. This just doesn't seem right.

Nothing I say will help him

Brother Charlie Tibble, the ward gay, wants to know why we don't do road shows any more. I don't know how to answer him without offending him. I will pray about it.

Get to know your ward members

This week’s profile, Dr. Gordon Hilger.

Dr. Hilger has been a member of our ward for 43 years. He was the second bishop when the ward began. He’s held many other callings in the ward (Sunday School President, Elders Quorum President, High Priest Group leader, Assistant to the canning specialist, new member practical joke committee, Greeter, Meeter, Ward Mission Leader, Ward Golf Instructor, Ward Hip Replacement specialist, wheat germ activist) and many others. In addition to his tremendous service to the church, he is also active in the medical community in which he works and has written a number of medical best sellers, including “When urine turns frothy; A guide to your body’s health” and “A polyp, a cyst, and a nodule walk into a bar; and other hilarious medical jokes”. He has seven children. Five of them he cares about. Three of them have gone on missions. Six of them wear a size 44 pants. One of them stole my son’s bike. Four of them have defiled the “Y” on the mountain. And all of them are children of our Heavenly Father. It’s a blessing to have Dr. Gordon Hilger in our ward.

Guess who's getting married

It looks like David Richardson and Lila Davidson are getting married. (Not in the temple, though. He's not a full tithe payer). We give them our blessings (and my wife is giving them a toaster).

You Can Pluck Hair From My Ear, Anytime

I sure don't want to embarrass the Swensons, but I overheard a conversation they had the other day, and I felt like it was a perfect example of the give and take that is needed, yea, even essential, in a marriage today.

Sister Betty Swenson: Acton, you look so handsome.
Brother Acton Swenson: Thanks, my dear.
Betty: Can I just pluck some of those ear hairs for you?
Acton: You can pluck hair from my ear, anytime, sweat heart.

There are many couples in our ward that don't do acts of kindness like this for each other, let alone, talk to each other with such respect. It's sad to see, but true. That's why I was so moved by the Swenson's conversation.

So, that why I'm asking all the wives in the ward to pluck hairs from their husband's ears tonight when they get home from work. Before you start dinner together, pluck his hairs. Show him that you care. And husbands, let your wife know you appreciate it by talking kindly to her and by offering to put the tweezers away for her.

This kind of interaction is the road to a happy marriage.

Sister Adler Had the Quadruplets!

The waiting is over in the Adler family, as Sister Adler gave birth late last night to four beautiful daughters. Her husband Ryan called to let us know and to tell us they have decided on names for the little bundles of joy. The names will be Faith, Hope, Charity, and Brenda.

Congrats!

What's the first thing you think of?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Flackpug"? Because that's going to be the theme for our primary this year and it stands for

1. Faith
2. Love
3. Adoration
4. Charity
5. Kindness
6. Prayer
7. Understanding
8. Gratitude

Our goal is for every child in primary this year to learn the Flackpug motto and write their own flackpug song. We will appreciate help from all the parents.

Thanks.
G. Higgins

Sins? We forgive 'em

Life can really get you down, can't it. We try to live the church standards but sometimes Satan just gets a hold on us and he won't seem to let go. Next thing you know you're dialing one of those numbers you see at the back of free newspapers and you're phone bill runs up to $300. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you brother Stevens. Well, just in case some of you were mired in guilt and forgot about which, of the many sins you can be forgiven, here is a list to refresh your memory. Keep in mind, this list is not comprehensive. See, there is hope.

• Lusting after Katherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Penelope Cruz or other popular film and television personalities
  
• Backbiting
• Inviting your friends upstairs when we specifically asked you not to
• Adultery
• Destroying other people's property
• Failing to pay taxes
• Failing to pay an honest tithe
• Paying tithing on money you won in a dog fight
• Laughing really hard and pointing at others that are less fortunate than you, or, laughing at someone that may be wearing pants that are called "high water" pants
  
• Cross dressing
• Pretending to be a real massage therapist
• Public nudity
• Private nudity if you aren't married
• Private nudity if you are married but are nude, privately, in front of someone other than the person to whom you are legally and lawfully married.
• Suing people for no good reason
• Dry humping
• Check bouncing
  
• Check humping
• Dry bouncing
• Hiding your talents under a bushel
  

New Rings For Teenagers Replace CTR Rings

My son Nathan tells me that CTR rings aren't cool. I think he's up in the rafters, but apparently Sister Minnie Archer feels the same way as Nathan. Of course, unlike my son Nathan that just complains and complains without offering any solutions, Sister Archer has actually done something about it. She has fashioned a new line of rings for the young kids in high school to replace the CTR ring. It's called the ICTDTRT Ring and it stand for"It's Cool To Do The Right Thing".

They'll be available just in time for the beginning of school this year and start at $39.95. So come on kids--reserve your ring now because you sure don't want to be the only one at school to hear, "Where's your ICTDTRT ring, nerd?"

Casserole Reenactment Society Can Accept One More

The Casserole Reenactment Society has lost one of its members and is now taking applications to fill the vacant slot. As you know, the Society takes the idea of pioneer reenactments one step further than typical reenactment groups. The Casserole Reenactment Society bake casseroles just as the pioneers would. They wear the same clothing, use the same recipes, gather the same ingredients by the same methods, bake them in the exact same conditions, and deliver them to the descendants of those pioneers that would be receiving the casserole if they were still alive today with a working digestive system and a full set of teeth.

Many of the members in the society are women over the age of 75 but they encourage people of all ages, both male and female to consider becoming a member. All that is required is a love of the casserole arts and a strong sense of pioneer heritage. Please provide your own oven mitt.

Accepted members are given a lifetime position and the coveted vacant spots only become available when current members pass on to the celestial kingdom or one of the less attractive after-life stations.

Thanks, Guest Bishop.

Wow,

Our guest bishop really did a first-rate job. Thanks to Tatum Phlister who sat in as guest bishop while my family and I were away for a little R and R and S S (Rest and Relaxation and Scripture Study). Not only will you receive blessings in heaven for your service, I’m going to use some of the tithing money we collected and present you with a $50 gift certificate to Applebees.

This week's least popular sin

Gluttony.

This is your lucky day!

Francine Baldwin has made another batch of her ever popular "Word of Wisdom Squash Bars" and just called me to say she has about 300 pounds extra for anyone in the ward that would like to come get some. It's first come, first serve so I'd hurry right over there and get some. Yum yum!

Cancelled: Father and Son and Snake Camp Out

We are going to have to cancel the Father and Son and Snake Camp Out. We weren't able to round up enough snakes.

187 Laws of Happiness

My wife is working on a new book for women in the church called "The 187 Laws of Happiness You Must Follow Or You Will Need Paxil". It's both touching and lighthearted in it's instructions on navigating through life with all its ups and downs and crushing setbacks. It's going to be available in time for Christmas and yes, Sister Kluwer, there is a chapter on having a healthy self-image about your body. That chapter is called, "Why Sister Kluwer Needs A Better Self-Image About Her Body".

While I'm Gone, We'll Have A Guest Bishop

Next week I will be unable to attend our ward. My family and I will be in Lubbock Texas. As you know, each summer we spend a week there, visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

While I am away this year, I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop" rather than let my responsibilities fall to our mostly capable 1st counselor, Brother Ted Malloy and our second counselor, Brother Garvey Evensborough II.

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

I'll just tell you that Brother Evensborough II didn't seem to mind one bit, but brother Malloy was irate. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come to church next week out of spite. If you ask me, he's acting like a baby.

Could All The Old People Please Stand Up, Now Sit Down, Now Stand Up Again

I really have to apologize to all the old people in the ward for what I did in Sunday School. For those of you that were in the Temple Preparation class or in the primary, I'll tell you what I did. I had to make an announcement about our canning assignment this coming week, so I said, "Will all the old people please stand up". Then I asked them to sit down. Then I got a hilarious idea. "OK, now stand up again. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down." I wanted to see how many times I could do it before Sister Call gave up. Boy, she was a trooper. I didn't know if she'd ever quit, and then all the sudden there was a loud "snap" and she quit standing. I wish you could have all seen it.

But I really do need to apologize because a couple people had to be carried out in to the hall and given water. I didn't really intend for that to happen or for anyone to get hurt and I guess I didn't think it through very well. It's rare, but sometimes Bishops make mistakes, too.

I promise I won't do it again. Yes I will. No I won't. Yes I will. No I won't.
Just kidding. I won't. I promise.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Brother Phillip Gully.

Phillip Gully hasn't always been without an arm. He was born with two, just like many of us. It was during World War II when he lost it. He was out picking apples, intending to send them to his older brother, a soldier, fighting in Germany. That's when little Phillip lost his balance, fell off the ladder, and broke his arm.

His mother was unable to deliver him to the only doctor the town had, because a week earlier she accused the doctor of giving her headaches on purpose. Incessant arguing caused the doctor to throw Phillip's mother out of the office and insisted she never return. When Phillip broke his arm, his mother said she would do all she could to fix it herself. Soaking it in salt water just wasn't enough. The arm became infected, swollen, and eventually fell off all together.

But none of that stopped Phillip from becoming a tennis champion, fly fisherman, policeman, fireman, ping-pong instructor, cyclist, welder, drummer in a Def Leppard Tribute band, to say nothing of his endless church service. He once mowed the church lawn without anyone asking him to do so. On another occasion, he went to the church and made sure all the lights were off one evening. Again, no one asked him to do that.

Phillip's a go-getter. He's goes. Then he gets. I like that about him. A lot of people I know just wait around for you to ask them to do something. Not Phillip. Not Phillip Gully. One-armed Phil. He may have 50% fewer arms than the rest of us, but he has a determination that is 83% larger than anyone else I know.

Who said disease can't be fun?

There are three people in the ward who have recently contracted serious diseases. And as you and I both know, disease is neither fun, nor funny. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In other words, lets play a fun match game. I’ll give you the names of all three people, then I’ll give you the names of the three diseases. Try to match the ward member with the current disease they have. Then, pray for them. But watch out! If you aren’t correct, you could be praying for the wrong thing! Have fun.

1. Belinda Tibbits
2. Fawn Berger
3. Fulton Smythe

a. Frey’s Syndrome
b. Tinea unguinum
c. Gangliosidosis

The Bishop's Store-house Does Not Deliver Pizza

Mistuths, misunderstandings, and out-right lies are spread whenever Brother Siepert has something to say. Let me see if I can clear up any confusion. The Bishop's Storehouse does not deliver pizza and Brother Siepert does not have a special All-Night Delivery Card from me or from any member of the Bishopric. As far as I know, he gets his pizza delivered from Pizza Time on State Street.

My wife is getting sick and tired of getting calls every night after 10pm requesting the Hawaiian special with a liter of root beer. And quite frankly, I'm getting quite sick of Alan Siepert's lies.

Best Issue yet of BYU Disappointment magazine

I love BYU Disappointment Magazine (a magazine of BYU grads leading a life of sin) and have been a big fan since the beginning. I have to say that the latest issue, issue #16 is it's best issue yet. You can get it at the BYU bookstore and I think you'll be glad you did. This latest issue features a young man named Aaron Ekhart, apparently an actor. You can click on the image of the cover, here, to see a larger version.

Brother Samuelson's swelling has gone way down

Our prayers have been answered and brother Samuelson's mysterious swelling has gone down and he's already made some more calls. You can hear the recent calls he has made on our companion pod-cast that is found here:
http://nopetting.libsyn.com/

Bless you, Brother Samuelson

A pioneer tribute

I sure wish I could do this.

I just thought of something that would be real neat. Wouldn't it be great if you could Tivo the Holy Ghost. And that way, if you were ever going through your day and didn't feel the spirit but wanted to, you could just turn it on via the Tivo. I ache for something like this, because let's face it, as good as prayer is, it isn't always as immediate as you would like it to be.

I'd call it Spirit Tivo, or, Spivo.

May herbs garnish you salads unceasingly

I sure enjoyed brother Sawyers lesson about healthy eating. Even though we hear it all the time from him, still, I feel like it's always good to be reminded to eat more wheat grass.

Darn you, brother Siepert

Darn you, Brother Siepert. Please, brothers and sisters. Listen to me. You can not substitute your attendance at Stadium of Fire for one week's attendance at church. I know that the spirit was strong there, (I cried) but it doesn't count as church. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times--Brother Siepert lies.

Casserole of the week - Beefy Cabbage Casserole

Thanks to Brother and Sister Porter for this week's casserole. I do not recommend giving this to anyone under the age of 12. When he was younger, we used to try and get Nathan to eat it but every time he would regurgitate so much it seemed breakfast and lunch were in there too. Also, he'd get hives. But I don't remember if that was from this casserole or from bees. He's allergic to bees. But anyone over 12 will love the casserole. It's delicious!

Beefy Cabbage Casserole

This ground beef casserole is a flavorful family dinner casserole with cabbage, lean ground beef, and cheese, along with a crumb topping.

• 1 teaspoon vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons butter
• 1 pound lean ground beef
• 1 head cabbage -- cut up
• 1 onion -- chopped
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 dash of pepper
• 1 cup cheddar cheese -- shredded
• 1 cup sour cream
• 2 to 3 tablespoons port wine or apple juice
• 1 cup herb seasoned stuffing crumbs, tossed with 2 tablespoons melted butter

Brown beef in the oil and butter, pour off excess fat. Add cabbage, onion, salt and pepper. Cover and cook slowly until the cabbage is translucent, about 10 minutes. Add cheese, sour cream and wine. Mix well and heat through. Transfer mixture to a warmed and greased casserole dish. Top with buttered stuffing crumbs. Bake at 400 degrees for about 10 to 15 minutes, until topping is browned.
Serves 4 to 6.

Special treat - Two new seminars

As many of you know, Brother Eberhart is never one to hide his talents under a bushel. He is a nationally recognized life coach and self help speaker and has developed two new seminars specifically for an LDS audience. Before he begins his touring schedule this year, he has agreed to offer these new seminars to members of our stake for FREE! (A $2,900 value!)

The first seminar is for children, ages 3-11 and it is all about obedience. It's called, "Alrighty, Almighty! Step In Line With The Lord"

The second seminar is for the youth, ages 12-21. It is a wonderful seminar about the do's and don'ts of dating and it's called, "Warm me, don't burn--OUCH--thank goodness for repentance."

We will have all the scheduling details available at church next week.

A Bishop's Confession

Well, now that my son Nathan has already told a number of you, I feel I ought to come right out and say it. I have a poster in my shop of Shelly Long from the TV show Cheers. I should have taken it down long ago. That part is true. And, as many of you know, a few years ago my wife and I were going through a difficult time. It was then that I found comfort in the poster. But, I never spoke to the poster. And I most certainly did not kiss the poster as my son Nathan has told many of you on several occasions including last Sunday during his talk in Sacrament meeting.

Nathan and I have spoken about this and he is willing to admit that part of the story came from an episode in his own life when he kissed a poster of a popular musical group called Christina Aguilera.

I want all of you to know that I will immediately remove and destroy the Shelly Long poster.

Now, let us please get back to how we were before when you confessed to me and not the other way around.

Relief Society Lesson Kits, only $1,300

Sister Guthrie has developed a new spiritual product that all the women teaching Relief Society will want to purchase. It is a relief society lesson kit for only $1,300 dollars complete with the following items.

• 4 seasonal table clothes
• One brass oil lamp
• Large-print version of the poem "Footprints"
• 10 cross-stitched quotes including one from America's favorite Jew, Zubin Mehta
• Porcelain figure of a woman praying
• Porcelain figure of a young boy with one arm, flying a kite
• Porcelain figure of a woman with 8 kids, crying
• Tabletop easel
• Hilarious joke-picture of Dostoevsky getting baptized by David Rodeback

Buy this lesson kit now and feel an increase in the spirit today!

A menu item that's spiritual - The Afterwhich

You know how in church, when someone is conducting, they will announce the speaker and then say, "After which, we will hear from...". Well I don't know about you, but that always makes me hungry. So finally I've done something about it. I've invented a new sandwich I'm calling "The Afterwhich". It's roast beef on rye but with capers instead of horse radish. And, it's to be eaten immediately following sacrament meeting. After which, you can enjoy Sunday school.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Sister Abigale Swenson.

Sister Swenson, a Utah native, grew up in Vinegar, Utah, a town that no longer exists. However, at one time, Vinegar Utah had as many as 2,000 residents, mostly sheep farmers. Sister Swenson learned the value of hard work as she was responsible for milking and feeding 50 head of cattle every day when she was only nine years old. She taught a local Indian boy how to speak English and he in turn taught her his language which he called "Cherekoi". It turned out to be simply "Pig Latin". That would be the last time she ever trusted a man.

As such, Sister Swenson never married but instead learned to trust animals and her own animal instincts. She decided to leave the church for several years when a previous bishop did not allow her cows to be baptized but eventually the Holy Spirit brought her back in to the fold.

Sister Swenson is currently the farm animal coordinator of our ward. At this point, we don't have any farm animals, but if we ever get some, Sister Swenson will coordinate them.

In the Celestial Kingdom, minimum wage will be $26 an hour.

In heaven, minimum wage will be 26 dollars an hours. So, you kids just keep following the commandments because heaven is going to be awesome!

A fourteenth Article of Faith?

If I was going to write Articles of Faith that are specific to our ward and our ward alone, one of them might be

"We believe in being honest, on time for BYC meeting, supporting the young women in their desire to learn needlepoint, and not leaving spent fireworks in your driveway for three weeks after the fourth of July. Geez, Brother Stathum. And baptism."

And that's why I don't wear low-rider pants

This post deleted per request of my son, Nathan.

Let Us All Contract Spiritual Warts: a clarification

I just got off the phone with brother Jepson who wanted me to let all of you know that he didn't mean to offend anyone in Sunday school last week.

As you may know, warts are common, and are caused by a viral infection, specifically by the human papillomavirus (HPV) and are contagious when in contact with the skin of another. What brother Jepson was trying to say when he suggested we should all contract spiritual warts, is that it should be common for us to have the holy spirit with us and that we should spread it to one another.

What he didn't mean to suggest is that we should spread it to one another through skin contact. And unlike what brother Alan Siepert, the ward liar has told everyone, Brother Jepson certainly did not intend for the spiritual warts to be of a sexual nature. But we all sin (although I don't sin nearly as much as I used to and not nearly as much as three of my sisters) and so if you have contracted spiritual warts of a sexual nature, I suggest you come talk to me and I can apply some spiritual Compound-W.

Sister Milner has a two year supply of hair

I'd like to direct your attention to Sister Milner. She is setting a wonderful example to all of us. As you take a look at her, you'll notice that she has so much hair that she now has a full two year supply. It's long, it's curly, it's stacked way up high and it's an impressive example of provident living. We should all be so faithful.

When hate is healthy

There is someone in the ward I can't stand. And no, I'm not going to tell you who it is. And the only reason I'm telling you now is to let you know that it's ok to hate, just as long as you don't tell people who you hate.

And also it's ok to hate if you can still find it within yourself to give the person you hate a calling as, say, Sunday school president, for example.

Hating is bad when it gets in the way of how you treat that person in public. If you walk up to a person you hate, and you poke them with scissors and then act like it was an accident--"Oh, I'm so sorry, I am so sorry. Oh heavens, you're bleeding. Let me buy you a new shirt", then obviously that's a problem. But if you talk to them about their roses or how their son that comes over and drinks all your milk is just so adorable and fun to have around, then you are just fine.

Of course I don't encourage hate, but I just wanted to help clarify what's a healthy hate and what's a hate that will cause you to lose the spirit.

See you Sunday.

Trip to Costco can now count as Family Home Evening

Without asking stake president Martin if this is agreeable, I have just decided to make the decision myself. Which is, a trip to Costco can now count as Family Home Evening. Isn't this wonderful! There are, however, guidelines.

All members of your family must be present. If any of you lack a family member, this does not count as family home evening, but rather, a good old trip to the store without any spiritual benefits. Also, you must still have a song and a prayer. One of these can be done in the car, but not both. You can choose which one is most appropriate to do in the car. (We love singing "This land is your land").

With the world the way it is right now, we must find a way to get everything done that is necessary, and still find time to follow the prophet. I don't know about you, but I am delighted that I can pick up a large brick of cheese at the same time I'm picking up some heavenly blessings.

It's true

I know this might sound like a cliche, but a bird in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Finally - The casserole committee has been formed.

Sister Wainscough has been called as president of the casserole committee. As you know, this is one ward that takes their casseroles seriously. New baby? The mother gets a casserole. Broken leg? The injured gets a casserole. Death in the family? Casseroles all around. In fact for years, many of the sisters in the ward were members of the highly elite group of casserole bakers called "Casserollers". Only 50 people in the United States were members.

However, lately, some have felt the quality of casserole being baked and delivered to members of the ward have faltered. This was made clear last month when Sister Odin was assigned to take Sister Blazer a casserole. As it has been reported to me, all Sister Odin did was fold a pizza in half, stick it in a bowl, and call that a casserole. It's not. And it disrespects all the other ladies in the ward for whom casserole baking is an art.

And so the casserole committee has been formed. What this means, is that if a casserole is to be delivered to any member of the ward, you must first submit portions of that casserole to Sister Wainscough or any member of her committee. It is recommended that a second casserole be made and submitted so that the casserole to be delivered can still remain as one that has not been tasted.

This committee will solve all our casserole problems, I am sure of it.

This week's top sins!

Well, the votes are in. As I've met with some of you from the ward this week, I've come up with a tally of the most confessed sins. Here are the top five.

1. Breaking the word of wisdom
2. Lusting after Sister Blassengame
3. Pride
4. Sending roses to Sister Blassengame
5. Not reading the scriptures.

Let's do better this week!

That was the worst testimony I've ever heard

Last Sunday, little Roger Briggs had the worst testimony I've ever heard. My wife said, "But he's only five". That may well be, but he never mentioned any member of the Godhead or his family or his health or how much the bishopric cares about him. None of that. Just some stupid thing about a dog and a turtle. I don't know why I'm so mad about this, but it really gets my goat.

"Best Blessing" contest - This idea is wonderful, wonderful to me.

People of the ward!

I have just been given a revelation regarding something that is really going to be fun. And if this doesn't bring the ward close together, I don't know what will. Here's the idea. We are going to have a contest to see who in the ward can give the best priesthood blessings! Why hasn't this been done before? It's such a great idea.

It's going to work like this. We will pass around a sign up sheet at church on Sunday. Any worthy priesthood holder is welcome to participate. (Unworthy priesthood holders can participate too, I guess, but you're just going to lose to a more powerful, more worthy priesthood).

Each person will be assigned one of the ward invalids. You will race to the invalid's home, give them a blessing, then come back and wait in the chapel until that person is healed. The first person to have their invalid reach full recovery will be the winner and crowned "Best Blesser" and the looser will be nicknamed “The Lesser Blesser”. I'm even going to see if President Martin will let us use some of the tithing money on a trophy. See you Sunday!

Someone called me an idiot -- I called them to repentance

Here is an actual email I received recently:
Warren Jeffs must be your hero!
Right!
Get a life! You look like a Idiot on your website!

I called that person to repentance with the following response:

Dear Brother or Sister,
When you talk like that you do not have the spirit of the Lord, which is too bad, because it's the best kind of spirit you can have. Learn to strive for it. Other kinds of wholesome spirits you can have are team spirit and the spirit of St. Louis.

On another matter-- Warren Jeffs is not my hero because he is a law breaker and a commandment breaker. My heroes always do what is right. Maybe you don't know brother Cardsdale in our ward, but to me, he is a hero. Ever since he was a child he walked with a limp and he was made fun of at school by some of the mean kids. Did that stop him from going out for track? No. It did not. Did he make the track team? No. He did not. But the point is, he walks with a limp and that's who I respect. I see him out there every week mowing his lawn. Never asking for help. Paying a full tithe. Limping. Always limping. That's my hero.

If I had to guess, I'll bet that you do not have the spirit of the Lord and you are so angry because of a sexual transgression that you feel guilty about. You must repent. And whatever you do, do not let it lead to homosexuality. Am I too late? Is that the real reason you are so angry with God and with me (and in reality, yourself?)

Bless you.
Bishop Gerald Higgins

Loud laughter addiction night cancelled

Brother Dalton was planning on leading a discussion group this Wednesday on how to avoid loud laughter to those in our ward that seem to have an addiction to it. However, it has been cancelled because he will be in the hospital for the next two weeks. His wife has informed me that he slipped on a squeaky toy that his son left at the top of the stairs and he landed at the bottom with a broken hip and a broken arm. His wife thought it was hilarious, but I see nothing funny about it. I also don't see anything funny about cataracts, scurvy, the gout or restless leg disorder which is also sometimes referred to as Jimmy Legs, The Orchestra, spare legs, "the kicks" or sewing machine foot. And I don't remember if I mentioned this in Sacrament Meeting last week or not, but Brother Mendleson has restless leg disorder and we should remember him in our prayers.

Did someone borrow the organ?

Quick question. Did someone borrow the organ this week from the chapel? I'll just ask that you please return it. We'll need it tomorrow for Sacrament Meeting.

Love,
Bishop Higgins

Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled

Sister Metcalfe, our activities committee chairman has informed me that Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled due to some confusion regarding our agenda. This disappoints me on many different levels and I just want to say to brother Clovenhuff that there is a reason it was called Burning In The Bosom night and not Teat Grab Night. Frankly, I'm too disgusted to write about this further.

A brand new ward calling I invented!

Just wanted to let you know that sister Tina Vickers has been called as the President of the Beehives. Not the Beehives young women's group--but the actual beehives--hive of bees--that we will have stewardship over this year at the church farm. In the fall, we'll have a honey sale at the church and the beehives will provide the dinner. And now I'm talking about the young women's group.

What's more lovely than a kitten?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praisworthy, we seek after these things".

If that's true, then I believe God wants us to look at this picture of a kitten. Consider it a commandment of God to stare at this kitten. For some, that might mean 30 seconds. For others, two hours. I can't tell you how long to look at this picture of a virtuous kitten. You'll have to use the spirit to know for sure.

New tithing program unveiled by me - Tithing Elite!

I know pride is mostly bad, but I am so proud of my new idea. It’s a new program I’m calling “Tithing Elite” and it works like this. If you pay 12-15% tithing (instead of the required 10%) for a consecutive four months, you will achieve Tithing Elite Status. This will allow you reserved seating in the chapel on Sunday (padded benches, of course) as well as a light buffet after church every Fast Sunday. More benefits will follow as we continue to instigate this amazing new program.

Jesus never gave anyone a toaster oven.

I'll never understand why some of you continue to believe anything that brother Siepert tells you after all the times we have exposed his web of lies.

Let me make this very clear--We are not giving away toaster ovens to members of our ward that decide to start attending after being absent for six months or more. We will welcome them back to the fold. We will help them fix their toaster if they have one that needs fixed, but we are not offering prizes and awards in an effort to lure members back to church. The "prize" they will receive, will be the "prize" of spiritual blessings. And those kinds of blessings will sell for a much higher price on the heavenly E-bay than any toaster oven ever could. Even if it was an expensive toaster oven with an automatic shut-off and self cleaning feature.

Brother Siepert tells lies. You must use the spirit of discernment when you speak to him. We love him, as we do all members of our ward family, but he speaks with a forked tongue.

Love,
Bishop Gerald Higgins

You must supply your own oxen

As you may know, brothers and sisters, the third ward commemorative pioneer handcart trek will be taking place this weekend. Myself and sister Metcalfe from the activities committee have made some assignments. Some of you have been asked to provide a handcart and some of you have been asked to provide a wagon pulled by an ox.

We've been getting quite a few of you that think the ward ought to supply you with the oxen. No no no. The church didn't hand out oxen to the saints before they crossed the plains and we will not be handing out oxen this time either. Part of what you will learn, brothers and sisters, is that crossing the plains is hard, whether or not that means finding an oxen or burying your own child in frozen ground.

On this matter, I will not budge.

Also, some of you have been assigned a salad or a dessert for the picnic afterwards.

Love,
Bishop Higgins

Quick announcent

I dont want any of you to drink root beer starting next Monday during our "Avoid the appearance of evil" week.

Blessings.

The only "F" word here is for "Faith"

One of my sons told me that blogs are only used by kids that want to write about how they hate themselves and they always use the "F" word. Well, I don't know how true that is, but the only "F" word you're going to see on this blog is "Faith". And also "Fat" if I'm referring to people that don't follow the word of wisdom.

The stake president sends his love

Yesterday at church I forgot to mention that I had a meeting with President Martin on Saturday and he sends his love. Next week I'll be in the foyer hugging most of you and putting a snug arm around the waist of all of you others. That will be the love from President Martin.

I'm not exactly sure how he wants me to send his love. I never got a chance to ask him. He said he sends his love and then he quickly changed the subject to a couple people in the ward we're going to have to ex-communicate. I can't tell you who they are, but I will tell you it was not sexual sin. (You always just assume it was a sexual sin). It was because they stole tithing. Oh, it's so hard for me to keep a secret. I'll give you a hint. One of them just bought one of those new Susuki Grand Vitara's.

There's a new bishop in town

As you know, I was just called to be the bishop the first week of April 2006. So I'll ask for your prayers and your patience as I learn my new job. I'm sure you will all agree with me that our previous bishop, bishop Stenton did a remarkable job and we are all very sorry that he has decided to leave the church and become a polygamist.

Sister Peterson still having headaches

Just wanted to let you all know that Sister Peterson is still having her headaches and we request that you continue to pray for her. Also, if anyone has any asprin she can borrow then that would be appreciated.

Blessings,
Bishop Gerald Higgins