This Week's Fifth Most Popular Sin

Adding Satan as a friend on Facebook.

"...I only said it would be creamy"

"I never said churning butter would be easy, I only said it would be creamy."

That heart-felt bit of dialogue is from the new pioneer commemorative pageant that our ward will be putting on for the whole stake. This year, for the 24th of July, we have some stake-wide activities in addition to our own individual activities. And each ward in the stake has been asked to do something for the stake get-together on the 24th of July. Our ward was asked to put on a commemorative pageant, the 9th ward was asked to bring a salad. (Hardly anyone in that ward can sing).

Our hats go off to the wonderful ward choir for their part in this. Then our hats will go right back on because we'll all be participating in another handcart trek. You may recall how, in previous years, you've been asked to supply your own oxen. This year will be no different.

Put your shoulder to the wheel, brothers and sisters. It's that time of year again.

New ward librarian not grumpy enough

We'll be offering Elly Conberg, our new librarian, curmudgeon training. She'll be learning how to scowl if you check out more than ten pencils and she'll be taught to be suspicious of giving supplies to anyone under the age of 37.

Why we use the consecrated oil

I had a dream last night that a stick of butter said to a vial of oil, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" and challenged the concecrated oil to a duel the next day at high noon. The stick of butter lost the duel. The consecrated oil shot and killed the butter, and in my dream, that's the reason we use consecrated oil.

This Week's Second Least Popular Sin

Making fun of people with buck-teeth and telling them that they could probably eat corn through a picket fence.

Boat fund

Thanks to the recent boat fund donors. You will be blessed for that. So you say, in what form will the blessing come. Many forms. First, you will feel a sense of warmth and peace pass over you knowing you did the right thing. This will come almost immediately. If this has not come yet, find a quiet spot and contemplate how much fun you'll have out on the lake when we all go boating as a ward family. If that doesn't bring a sense of peace, it's possible you did not donate enough money. The second way that a blessing will come is through some coupons in the mail. Have you heard of ValPak? These can be redeemed at many of the local merchants for services that you probably already need. Lawn aeration. Wisdom teeth removal. And from time to time you might get a coupon that lets you save money on stabling a horse.

I have no idea why you are still up

I just went for a walk around the neighborhood. It's very late for me. I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm every night. You know what they say: Early to bed. That's the whole saying. Early to bed. There might have been more, but normally, then you go to bed, so there isn't time to go on about making a man healthy and wealthy. But listen--that's neither here no there. The thing I wanted to write about was that as I walked through the neighborhood and peered in some of your windows to check on you, I was surprised to see how many people were still up. It's midnight for heaven's sake. What, brothers and sisters, do you do this late at night? I just have no idea why you are still up.

Destroying angel actually quite a nice fellow

Sister Rose Gopsong had one of those near-death experiences and while "dead" met and interviewed the Destroying Angel. She said, as it turns out, the destroying angel is quite a nice fellow-- gentle, good sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes. Isn't that neat! I sure wouldn't have guessed all those things. Thanks, Rose.

We do not pray to Stephen Covey

I just had a long conversation with a neighbor of mine. He just moved here from California and has so many misconceptions about Mormons. Just to be clear, we do not pray to Stephen Covey. We can pray for him, but not to him. He will not answer your prayers. I'm not even sure he will hear them.

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Trespassory asportation.

Sexual Innuendo On The Rise

I just finished reading a report stating that the amount of sexual innuendo we see on TV and movies is on the rise. I read that and was flabbergasted. I nearly had a flabbergasm. What is happening to our world?

It needs be...

It needs be that I need new lawn chairs. Save it be that our others are worn out. I will go down to the Home Depot tomorrow, save it be, that it is Saturday, a special day.

Bishop’s Conference

I can’t wait to go to Bishop’s Conference next month. It’s held at BYU every other year and it’s for Bishops in the church to get together and talk about issues we all deal with every day.

There are classes and lectures to attend, firesides, and an ice cream sundae bar that would make any 15 year old kid wet his pants. It’s just like youth conference but without the dance on Saturday night.

(That would be real funny if someone in the planning department forgot that only Bishops were coming and so they put “Dance” in the program for Saturday night and then everyone would just stand around at the dance, real uncomfortable, just staring at the most attractive bishop wondering if they should ask him to dance just because they’re all at a dance, or maybe they shouldn’t because someone would think they were gay because they were dancing with another guy even though--hey--you put it on the program, so, that’s why I’m dancing. That would be real funny and then every year after that when you saw the other Bishops that were there you would slap each other on the back the way men do and you’d say, “Remember that year they accidentally had a dance and Bishop Wacolmb asked Bishop Nordon to dance and it turns out they both knew the Foxtrot?).

Even Kurt Bestor will be there to perform.

The Lordiest Month

Let’s make June a month filled with service and love and thankfulness. Let’s do more than we have ever imagined possible and make June the Lordiest month we’ve ever had!

Get to know your ward members

From time to time we highlight some of the most active members of the ward, which causes some of the less actives to feel less important. This saddens me. They are not less important. I keep telling them that. Why don’t they listen? I have even said it over a loud-speaker while driving by their house.

So today I’m going to highlight of our less active members--Plappen Elker. (Weird name, I know). Plappen, as you may be able to tell from the smell coming out of his home during dinner time, is not from the United States. I don’t know where he’s from because he is very hard to understand. He has told me on more than one occasion, but I really don’t have the foggiest idea. It may be near the Philippines. Either that, or it is on the opposite side of the globe as the Philippines. One or the other. Or neither. It just occurred to me that maybe his brother is living in the Philippines. Or maybe he was saying some name that sounded like the Philippines. In any regard, he wasn’t born in Utah. I’ll just tell you that. But he lives her now, and we’re pleased and delighted to have him in the ward. Also, he is very good at Ping Pong.

This Week's Third Least Popular Sin

Feeding lasagna to a horse, just to see if she will eat it.

Snake Heaven

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what it’s like in snake heaven. So I was at a loss a few days ago when little Maggie Pelten cried on the phone to me about a lost snake. They thought it might have crawled in to the VCR, but truth be told, they weren’t entirely certain. (I would not eat at the Pelten residence for at least three months, if I were you). She asked me if her snake was going to heaven. I told her of course her snake was going to heaven. Unless her snake has been smoking tobacco cigarettes and marijuana cigarettes, or unless her snake has been writing graffiti messages on the lavatory walls at school. She assured me that her snake has not being doing any of those things and I told her then her snake would be going to heaven. She asked me what snake heaven was like. And I have to be honest with you, I didn’t know what to tell her. See, sometimes, as Bishops, we don’t have all the answers and I don’t think we are expected to. On the other hand, sometimes we are expected to know the answers. This is one of those hands where I didn’t know. What would you have told little Maggie?

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Catering an orgy.

Good Advice up the Ying-Yang

Many ask, "Bishop, where do you find the inspiration for all the good advice you give me". Many assume I've read the book "Give Good Advice Up the Ying-Yang" or "An Advice-givers Guide to Giving Advice That Didn't Come From Dr.Phil".

I don't really know how to answer such a question. I think I've always been a little bit like this. Even at a very young age I was giving people as old as 18 and 19 years old some advice. Of course, back then it was advice such as "Hey, quit hitting me" or "You're going to fall off that" but it put me on the track of helping. And that's really what it's all about when you think about it. Helping. Helping and giving and pointing out ways that you could do things as proficiently as I do them.

It's a gift. My gift. Your gift might have to do with being able to tell if it's too hot in a particular room for your grandmother, so without asking you just go turn down the heat for her. Or your gift might be to play the violin at a high level of skill but not skilled enough to be a concert violinist so instead you work as a clerk in a law firm which makes you realize your real gift is to not be mad a God that you're not a more gifted violin player.

There's so many gifts and each person has at least two. Your gift may be as benign as being left handed, so you ask, why on earth is that a gift and then you find out that your real gift is how inquisitive you are.

Sometimes it takes people their whole lifetime to discover what their gift is. Others discover it as early as age nine. Anyone that thinks they have discovered their gift sooner than that is probably just dreaming. I mean, come on? Do you mean to tell me that your seven year old son can already speak three languages and can also beat you at guitar hero?

So let me give you some advice. Learn early what your gifts and talents are. The sooner you discover them, the sooner you can apply at that law firm for the clerk job.

Allow me to get personal

Allow me to get personal. Many of you have known me for quite a few years. You've seen me experience both joy and the flip side of joy, which is yoj. So it shouldn't surprise any of you that have known me for a long time, that I've thought about growing a mustache once I am no longer Bishop. I will only have it for two weeks, tops. I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt like it was something I should do.

Just a rumor

No need to worry yourself sick because it's just a rumor at this point. If you haven't heard, some of our ward members have been discussing the idea that the Second Coming has been canceled due to a lack of interest. This has yet to be confirmed.

Lost and Found

For the next two weeks in the foyer at church we will have a table set up of lost and found items. Please check the table for any items you may have lost. No word yet on whether Tabitha Clawson's virtue will be there.

Disturbing

I'm somewhat disturbed about the outcome of last week's cake auction. It was a grand success, and for that, I am thankful. However, the top selling cakes turned out to be Sister Blassengame's lovely cake shaped like the Provo Temple as well as Brother Vonderbun's cake decorated to look like a young women in a two piece bathing suit. I've been told that the reason it sold for so much was because of its uncanny resemblance to Tabitha Clawson. This disturbs me.

I had no idea

Last week, in a private meeting, our Stake President, President Martin, told me that heaven's computers all run on Mac. I had no idea.

This Week's Recipe

This week's recipe comes to us from Mark Belgord, who just returned from the Army.

Non-Alcoholic Vodka
Get a glass
Add ice
Enjoy!

Thanks Mark for helping us be in the world, but not of it.

Announcement from on High

Are you like me? Do you write in your journal three times a day but still feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of writing your personal history? Then you'll be so pleased to know that the church has just told all the bishops that we no longer have to worry about any kind of record keeping. Instead, we should spend more time with our families. That includes boating (at least one of your kids must be present), walks in the park, and a game we at our house call "Topsy Turvy Kitten".

Just kidding. We still have to keep records. Go back to feeling guilty for your inadequacies.

Lest we forget

Have we forgotten the faith of our fathers? Have we forgotten the sacrifice of the pioneers? Have we forgotten to turn off the oven?

Talents under a bushel? Release them.

The teenagers of our day are doing way too much talent hiding under a bushel. What I mean, is that if you hide your talents under a bushel, no one will get to see how well you can sing "On the good ship lollipop" or "Eye of the tiger". That's a shame. It's also a sin. I abhor sin. I also don't like cauliflower or canned yams. I once knew a girl my age who hid her bushel under a bushel. Too bad for her. As far as I could tell, she had a really nice bushel.

My favorite hymn

One of my favorite hymns is a song that, as it turns out, isn't a hymn at all. Its a popular song from Neil Diamond called "Forever in Blue Jeans". It has a wonderful message about how money doesn't sing and dance and how it's a real special feeling to have your wife right beside you and how you should be sure and wait until you're married to have sex. Ok. I made that last part up, but it's still a good idea to wait.

I can't remember if you have a mote or a beam

There are a few people in the ward that love to point out the flaws of others. Since I’m bishop, I won’t say who you are, but I suggest looking at either the mote or the beam in your own eye rather than going on and on about the mote or beam in your neighbor’s eye. (I can never remember which is which about if you have a mote or a beam in your eye and if your neighbor only has a mote or does he have a beam?)

Speaking of something in your neighbor’s eye, Jared Fillgette works for a company that makes glass eyes out of plastic. This makes it much more comfortable for the user, Jared says, but don’t stand too close to the fire. Can you imagine this scene--
Glass eye user: My eye is melting, my eye is melting!
Unsuspecting passerby: Oh no. You’ll go blind.
Glass eye user: I’m already blind in that eye. I’m yelling because now I”ll have to buy a new eye and they are real expensive. I was saving up for new boat for duck fishing.

Come Listen To a Prophet's Voice Crack

Our ward historian, Calbert Eldrige Furbey has discovered a wax cylinder recording, or, phonograph cylinder recording of a young Lorenzo Snow singing "Froggy went a courting". It's difficult to tell if it's the early technology, or young Lorenzo's voice, but at one point in the song, it seems that his voice begins to crack. I'll bet that wouldn't have happened had he been singing one of the church hymns. That's more of a comment on the power of the church hymns than on the voice of a prophet-to-be.

Good seats in heaven still available

Alan Siepert has done it again and we don't call him the ward liar for nothing. He has some of you convinced that all the good seats in heaven are taken. He said all seats in front, close to God have been reserved since 1956. First of all, there aren't any seats in heaven close to God. All the seats are good and all the seats are close to God. Now, it is true that only 30% are padded and those are in heaven's relief society room.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Gavin Auggler

Gavin Auggler tells me that growing up with unusually large ears was not as difficult as you might think, thanks to a mother that used to tell him, "Gavin, those enormous ears of yours are Gods way of saying thanks for being such a good listener to everyone in the pre-existence" and she also used to say that God was telling him "because you have such big ears, I promise you will not get cancer or Crohn's disease, although I can't say for sure about Carotenosis." Gavin has been in the ward for 12 years and has served on the high council and the low council as well as a Sunday School teacher and they guy that keeps everything up to date on the bulletin board. We are glad he's in our ward. Even though one of his ears is just outside the ward boundary. Just kidding. His whole body is in our ward. We love you Gavin.

What is going on at the Jeppsons?

A special ward committe has been formed to find out why in the name of all things holy the Jeppsons' family home evenings are so boring. We've been hearing complaints from their children for years now, but only recently have we heard complaints from brothers and sisters of the ward that are not related. For example, Shelly Wexler was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off some size 6 pants that her son no longer wore. She wanted to give them to the Jeppsons because, as you know, the Jeppsons have the twins, Bobby and Tippett, that should be able to fit in size 6 pants, even though most of their friends are wearing size 8. (Malnourished, if you ask me). Anywho...Sister Wexler dropped off the pants and was invited in and was told "come on in--we're nearly through with family home evening". She happened to arrive on a night that had Brother Jeppson sculpting an exact replica of Nauvoo, circa 1839, with a crude "clay" he made himself out of flour and old socks. Sister Wexler reports hearing one of the children whisper "can someone try to knock me unconscious."

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Potato Bar for Less Actives

In our Bishop's council meeting we discussed ways to re-activate the less actives and activate the downright hostile folks back to full fellowship. You'll be pleased to know that we received a revelation that told us the way to do it was with a potato bar at the end of Sacrament Meeting. While all of you faithful will make your way to Sunday School, I'll be serving the less actives a serving of baked potato goodness and a full serving of welcome back into the fold.

We've been praying for the wrong leg

Many of you have been asking how Kip Nelson has been doing, and particularly, how come his leg isn't getting any better after all the fasting and prayers we've been doing. As it turns out, we've been praying for the wrong leg. It's the left leg that's got the gummy knee. That's probably my fault and I take nearly all the blame.

Do not sell keys to the building on E-bay

We ask that you not sell the keys to our building. Do not sell them and do not give them to your friends. We know that Casey Altoon, for example, has been selling stolen goods on E-bay, including keys to our building. It has been reported to me by his mother that his medication has been adjusted and that many of your missing items should be returned shortly. I believe that includes Candy Larsen's kitten, Phil Drygert's garden hose, and Rose Thompson's urn collection. She also wondered if someone had one of those padded helmets she could borrow for Casey. He sold his on E-bay.

I was giving my son Nathan a lecture

Many of you have wondered why it has been such a long time since I kept you up to date on the ward happenings. Had I been released, many of you wondered? Had I been spending time at a house of ill repute, others questioned. None of those. Wrong. All of you. I have been giving my son Nathan a lecture. It was long on substance and long on length. That is what has been going on. In the mean time, Brother Samuelson, the Executive Secretary has been doing a bang up job on running the ward in to the ground. Thank goodness I'm back.

Come for the prayer - Stay for the crab

Brother Tibbits is making his wonderful Crab Cakes this Sunday night to be had after our monthly ward prayer. As always, we'll be having it at the church. Come for the prayer, stay for the crab.

The real reason the organist was released

If any of you lack the real reason the organist was released, let him ask the bishop. Sister Danzig was released from being organist, not because she was kept playing too loud (as brother Jepson suggested on a weekly basis) but because she was mad I would not let her install and use a drum machine to accompany her during sacrament meeting. That's the real reason.

CTR-b Class Blamed For Missing Casserole

You parents can call them little angels, but we in the bishopric know different. Sister Thompson had prepared a special casserole for Mardel Gibbs since he just had a second stroke. She came by the church on Sunday to pick up sister Lori Green so the two of them could deliver the casserole together. As she was coming in to the church to get sister Green, the CTR-b class opened her van and took the casserole from the front seat and hid it in the bushes. No one could find it for three days. The only good that I can see from this story is that Mardel's stroke has made it very difficult for him to eat anything other than liquids and chunk-free paste, so he probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the casserole anyway. But still.

We rate your testimonies

Just so that you, we, as a bishopric, rate each and every one of the testimonies given on fast and testimony Sunday. We use a five star rating. These are mostly kept to ourselves. I will tell you that Reed Thomas usually gets 4 or 5 stars. But not this week. We also award a testimony of the month award. You won't know who it is, though. It's just for our own amusement.

The Stake President Throws Like A Girl

Just because President Martin throws like a girl is no reason that we shouldn't respect him any more than you respect me. Please realize, I played baseball in high school and still stay quite physically active. But those are not the kinds of things on which to base your respect for our stake president. He is a good man. He plays the violin quite well, and has a number of different scriptures memorized--some of them are in the Bible. Let us all respect President Martin, the Stake President that throws like a girl.

"One Arm Club" means more than just fewer arms

Many of you have been confused by the newest bishop-approved club in our ward, called the "One Arm" club started by Dusty Capple. The club is for anyone that feels different due to a lost limb, an unusually large nose, blindness, or any other physical problem that makes you feel, at least occasionally, inadequate. The "One Arm Club" is a support group for you. The name is misleading because to some, it suggests that you have to have only one arm to be in the club. Not so. That's just a catchy name we came up with. Missing fingers, one leg shorter than the other, teeth that are too big for your small mouth, blotchy skin...you're all welcome to come. Even you, brother Fardly. Hop-on over to the church on Thursdays for a lot of fun, and support from others that face similar challenges!

Challenges! Aren't they great!

I love to help

Are you like me? Do you like to help others in need? Well, that’s what I love. I love to help. If I see someone with their zipper down or a booger on their nose, I’ll tell them. I’ll do it in a nice way too, of course. I won’t laugh and point and hope they inadvertently smear the booger on the application they just filled out. I’ll kindly tell them. Because I really think that’s what Jesus would have done. I don’t think he would have pointed to his apostles and said, “Ha ha, apostles. Look at that man with his zipper down. He sure has a lot to learn about zipping up his zipper!”

Wholesome activites

In this crazy, mixed up world of ours, with all of Satan's barbs, I sometimes wonder if we forget all the wholesome activities that are still available to us. Here are some things that are a wonderful way to pass the time in ways other than video games, television, and Asian pornography.

Playing marbles
Arm wrestling
Reading poems to a loved one, or to an old person
Boondoggling
Horse shoes
Badminton
Whittling
Hopscotch
Memorizing a clean limerick
Shuffleboard
Tying knots (Who remembers the clove hitch?!!!)
Finger painting

And while it's true that I looked on the internet for some ideas, you don't really need the internet to have fun.

How great the wisdom and the stew

Brother Finkle's lecture and dinner series "How great the wisdom and the stew" will be starting again right after Thanksgiving. Be sure and sign up early, as he always fills these classes up. As I heard one brother say last week, "Who cares if he's 97 years old. That's some of the best stew west of Memphis!" Yes, it's good stew, and good lectures, also. This year he will be covering some of the lesser known pioneer stories, including one about a young man who made a covered wagon entirely out of straw. He died, of course, but he had faith as strong as an ox. It's too bad he didn't have an ox, though. He probably would have made it further across the plains.

First, we give the casserole a blessing

If you aren't sick or ailing, after you hear this, you just might wish you had gout or lupus or something. Sister Culbert has made a number of her award winning spicy radish casseroles that we, as a bishopric, will be passing out to the sick and the ailing. What we'll do first, is to give the casserole a blessing. That way, you'll be getting a hot meal and a blessing at the same time. It was my idea.

Thank goodnes I misread that sign.

On the way to Springville, there is a billboard advertising one of those seasonal haunted houses or scary corn mazes or something. It's called "The Dreaded Grove". It's a little hard to read and I thought it said, "The Dreaded Grope". Of course my first thought was that a place called The Dreaded Grope was chilling, indeed. Then I wondered if any of our priesthood brethren would be working there because if so, there was certainly going to be a need for some interviews. Thank goodness I misread that sign.

Wow. Now that was a general conference

Are you like me? Did you feel like that was one of the third or fourth best general conference sessions we've ever had in the last 5 years? All that talk about faith and prayer. And did you hear that choir? My goodness, it was as if they were singing with one voice.

Now I don't know about you, but I could have used a couple more talks about the evils of pornography. That just can't be talked about enough. It's evil and it's everywhere. You can't even go to a hotel room anymore and turn on some of the in-room entertainment without having it rammed down your throat.

And there were so many non-white speakers this time. I really liked that. It gave me the opportunity to point out to my children what they look like. We're hoping to meet some non-whites in real life some day.

I appologize for not keeping up with the blog, as of late. There are so many of you in the ward that have personal problems, issues with your spouse, your kids, stealing stuff from work, addictions to on-line gaming, sexual perversions, health issues, mental instability, gayness, treason, and others, that I haven't been able to spend as much time with the blog as I would like. My son Nathan joked about whether or not I still live at home. Ha ha ha, Nathan. I sure do, and I'm coming to see if your room is clean.

I think I did a bad thing

You know how you are supposed to liken the scriptures unto yourself? Well, I likened them unto my brother and I got such a different read on things that for twenty minutes last night, I felt it was ok to hit my kids. This just doesn't seem right.

Nothing I say will help him

Brother Charlie Tibble, the ward gay, wants to know why we don't do road shows any more. I don't know how to answer him without offending him. I will pray about it.

Get to know your ward members

This week’s profile, Dr. Gordon Hilger.

Dr. Hilger has been a member of our ward for 43 years. He was the second bishop when the ward began. He’s held many other callings in the ward (Sunday School President, Elders Quorum President, High Priest Group leader, Assistant to the canning specialist, new member practical joke committee, Greeter, Meeter, Ward Mission Leader, Ward Golf Instructor, Ward Hip Replacement specialist, wheat germ activist) and many others. In addition to his tremendous service to the church, he is also active in the medical community in which he works and has written a number of medical best sellers, including “When urine turns frothy; A guide to your body’s health” and “A polyp, a cyst, and a nodule walk into a bar; and other hilarious medical jokes”. He has seven children. Five of them he cares about. Three of them have gone on missions. Six of them wear a size 44 pants. One of them stole my son’s bike. Four of them have defiled the “Y” on the mountain. And all of them are children of our Heavenly Father. It’s a blessing to have Dr. Gordon Hilger in our ward.

Guess who's getting married

It looks like David Richardson and Lila Davidson are getting married. (Not in the temple, though. He's not a full tithe payer). We give them our blessings (and my wife is giving them a toaster).

You Can Pluck Hair From My Ear, Anytime

I sure don't want to embarrass the Swensons, but I overheard a conversation they had the other day, and I felt like it was a perfect example of the give and take that is needed, yea, even essential, in a marriage today.

Sister Betty Swenson: Acton, you look so handsome.
Brother Acton Swenson: Thanks, my dear.
Betty: Can I just pluck some of those ear hairs for you?
Acton: You can pluck hair from my ear, anytime, sweat heart.

There are many couples in our ward that don't do acts of kindness like this for each other, let alone, talk to each other with such respect. It's sad to see, but true. That's why I was so moved by the Swenson's conversation.

So, that why I'm asking all the wives in the ward to pluck hairs from their husband's ears tonight when they get home from work. Before you start dinner together, pluck his hairs. Show him that you care. And husbands, let your wife know you appreciate it by talking kindly to her and by offering to put the tweezers away for her.

This kind of interaction is the road to a happy marriage.

Sister Adler Had the Quadruplets!

The waiting is over in the Adler family, as Sister Adler gave birth late last night to four beautiful daughters. Her husband Ryan called to let us know and to tell us they have decided on names for the little bundles of joy. The names will be Faith, Hope, Charity, and Brenda.

Congrats!

What's the first thing you think of?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Flackpug"? Because that's going to be the theme for our primary this year and it stands for

1. Faith
2. Love
3. Adoration
4. Charity
5. Kindness
6. Prayer
7. Understanding
8. Gratitude

Our goal is for every child in primary this year to learn the Flackpug motto and write their own flackpug song. We will appreciate help from all the parents.

Thanks.
G. Higgins

Sins? We forgive 'em

Life can really get you down, can't it. We try to live the church standards but sometimes Satan just gets a hold on us and he won't seem to let go. Next thing you know you're dialing one of those numbers you see at the back of free newspapers and you're phone bill runs up to $300. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you brother Stevens. Well, just in case some of you were mired in guilt and forgot about which, of the many sins you can be forgiven, here is a list to refresh your memory. Keep in mind, this list is not comprehensive. See, there is hope.

• Lusting after Katherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Penelope Cruz or other popular film and television personalities
  
• Backbiting
• Inviting your friends upstairs when we specifically asked you not to
• Adultery
• Destroying other people's property
• Failing to pay taxes
• Failing to pay an honest tithe
• Paying tithing on money you won in a dog fight
• Laughing really hard and pointing at others that are less fortunate than you, or, laughing at someone that may be wearing pants that are called "high water" pants
  
• Cross dressing
• Pretending to be a real massage therapist
• Public nudity
• Private nudity if you aren't married
• Private nudity if you are married but are nude, privately, in front of someone other than the person to whom you are legally and lawfully married.
• Suing people for no good reason
• Dry humping
• Check bouncing
  
• Check humping
• Dry bouncing
• Hiding your talents under a bushel
  

New Rings For Teenagers Replace CTR Rings

My son Nathan tells me that CTR rings aren't cool. I think he's up in the rafters, but apparently Sister Minnie Archer feels the same way as Nathan. Of course, unlike my son Nathan that just complains and complains without offering any solutions, Sister Archer has actually done something about it. She has fashioned a new line of rings for the young kids in high school to replace the CTR ring. It's called the ICTDTRT Ring and it stand for"It's Cool To Do The Right Thing".

They'll be available just in time for the beginning of school this year and start at $39.95. So come on kids--reserve your ring now because you sure don't want to be the only one at school to hear, "Where's your ICTDTRT ring, nerd?"

Casserole Reenactment Society Can Accept One More

The Casserole Reenactment Society has lost one of its members and is now taking applications to fill the vacant slot. As you know, the Society takes the idea of pioneer reenactments one step further than typical reenactment groups. The Casserole Reenactment Society bake casseroles just as the pioneers would. They wear the same clothing, use the same recipes, gather the same ingredients by the same methods, bake them in the exact same conditions, and deliver them to the descendants of those pioneers that would be receiving the casserole if they were still alive today with a working digestive system and a full set of teeth.

Many of the members in the society are women over the age of 75 but they encourage people of all ages, both male and female to consider becoming a member. All that is required is a love of the casserole arts and a strong sense of pioneer heritage. Please provide your own oven mitt.

Accepted members are given a lifetime position and the coveted vacant spots only become available when current members pass on to the celestial kingdom or one of the less attractive after-life stations.

Thanks, Guest Bishop.

Wow,

Our guest bishop really did a first-rate job. Thanks to Tatum Phlister who sat in as guest bishop while my family and I were away for a little R and R and S S (Rest and Relaxation and Scripture Study). Not only will you receive blessings in heaven for your service, I’m going to use some of the tithing money we collected and present you with a $50 gift certificate to Applebees.

This week's least popular sin

Gluttony.

This is your lucky day!

Francine Baldwin has made another batch of her ever popular "Word of Wisdom Squash Bars" and just called me to say she has about 300 pounds extra for anyone in the ward that would like to come get some. It's first come, first serve so I'd hurry right over there and get some. Yum yum!

Cancelled: Father and Son and Snake Camp Out

We are going to have to cancel the Father and Son and Snake Camp Out. We weren't able to round up enough snakes.

187 Laws of Happiness

My wife is working on a new book for women in the church called "The 187 Laws of Happiness You Must Follow Or You Will Need Paxil". It's both touching and lighthearted in it's instructions on navigating through life with all its ups and downs and crushing setbacks. It's going to be available in time for Christmas and yes, Sister Kluwer, there is a chapter on having a healthy self-image about your body. That chapter is called, "Why Sister Kluwer Needs A Better Self-Image About Her Body".

While I'm Gone, We'll Have A Guest Bishop

Next week I will be unable to attend our ward. My family and I will be in Lubbock Texas. As you know, each summer we spend a week there, visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

While I am away this year, I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop" rather than let my responsibilities fall to our mostly capable 1st counselor, Brother Ted Malloy and our second counselor, Brother Garvey Evensborough II.

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

I'll just tell you that Brother Evensborough II didn't seem to mind one bit, but brother Malloy was irate. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come to church next week out of spite. If you ask me, he's acting like a baby.

Could All The Old People Please Stand Up, Now Sit Down, Now Stand Up Again

I really have to apologize to all the old people in the ward for what I did in Sunday School. For those of you that were in the Temple Preparation class or in the primary, I'll tell you what I did. I had to make an announcement about our canning assignment this coming week, so I said, "Will all the old people please stand up". Then I asked them to sit down. Then I got a hilarious idea. "OK, now stand up again. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down." I wanted to see how many times I could do it before Sister Call gave up. Boy, she was a trooper. I didn't know if she'd ever quit, and then all the sudden there was a loud "snap" and she quit standing. I wish you could have all seen it.

But I really do need to apologize because a couple people had to be carried out in to the hall and given water. I didn't really intend for that to happen or for anyone to get hurt and I guess I didn't think it through very well. It's rare, but sometimes Bishops make mistakes, too.

I promise I won't do it again. Yes I will. No I won't. Yes I will. No I won't.
Just kidding. I won't. I promise.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Brother Phillip Gully.

Phillip Gully hasn't always been without an arm. He was born with two, just like many of us. It was during World War II when he lost it. He was out picking apples, intending to send them to his older brother, a soldier, fighting in Germany. That's when little Phillip lost his balance, fell off the ladder, and broke his arm.

His mother was unable to deliver him to the only doctor the town had, because a week earlier she accused the doctor of giving her headaches on purpose. Incessant arguing caused the doctor to throw Phillip's mother out of the office and insisted she never return. When Phillip broke his arm, his mother said she would do all she could to fix it herself. Soaking it in salt water just wasn't enough. The arm became infected, swollen, and eventually fell off all together.

But none of that stopped Phillip from becoming a tennis champion, fly fisherman, policeman, fireman, ping-pong instructor, cyclist, welder, drummer in a Def Leppard Tribute band, to say nothing of his endless church service. He once mowed the church lawn without anyone asking him to do so. On another occasion, he went to the church and made sure all the lights were off one evening. Again, no one asked him to do that.

Phillip's a go-getter. He's goes. Then he gets. I like that about him. A lot of people I know just wait around for you to ask them to do something. Not Phillip. Not Phillip Gully. One-armed Phil. He may have 50% fewer arms than the rest of us, but he has a determination that is 83% larger than anyone else I know.

Who said disease can't be fun?

There are three people in the ward who have recently contracted serious diseases. And as you and I both know, disease is neither fun, nor funny. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In other words, lets play a fun match game. I’ll give you the names of all three people, then I’ll give you the names of the three diseases. Try to match the ward member with the current disease they have. Then, pray for them. But watch out! If you aren’t correct, you could be praying for the wrong thing! Have fun.

1. Belinda Tibbits
2. Fawn Berger
3. Fulton Smythe

a. Frey’s Syndrome
b. Tinea unguinum
c. Gangliosidosis

The Bishop's Store-house Does Not Deliver Pizza

Mistuths, misunderstandings, and out-right lies are spread whenever Brother Siepert has something to say. Let me see if I can clear up any confusion. The Bishop's Storehouse does not deliver pizza and Brother Siepert does not have a special All-Night Delivery Card from me or from any member of the Bishopric. As far as I know, he gets his pizza delivered from Pizza Time on State Street.

My wife is getting sick and tired of getting calls every night after 10pm requesting the Hawaiian special with a liter of root beer. And quite frankly, I'm getting quite sick of Alan Siepert's lies.

Best Issue yet of BYU Disappointment magazine

I love BYU Disappointment Magazine (a magazine of BYU grads leading a life of sin) and have been a big fan since the beginning. I have to say that the latest issue, issue #16 is it's best issue yet. You can get it at the BYU bookstore and I think you'll be glad you did. This latest issue features a young man named Aaron Ekhart, apparently an actor. You can click on the image of the cover, here, to see a larger version.

Brother Samuelson's swelling has gone way down

Our prayers have been answered and brother Samuelson's mysterious swelling has gone down and he's already made some more calls. You can hear the recent calls he has made on our companion pod-cast that is found here:
http://nopetting.libsyn.com/

Bless you, Brother Samuelson

A pioneer tribute

I sure wish I could do this.

I just thought of something that would be real neat. Wouldn't it be great if you could Tivo the Holy Ghost. And that way, if you were ever going through your day and didn't feel the spirit but wanted to, you could just turn it on via the Tivo. I ache for something like this, because let's face it, as good as prayer is, it isn't always as immediate as you would like it to be.

I'd call it Spirit Tivo, or, Spivo.

May herbs garnish you salads unceasingly

I sure enjoyed brother Sawyers lesson about healthy eating. Even though we hear it all the time from him, still, I feel like it's always good to be reminded to eat more wheat grass.

Darn you, brother Siepert

Darn you, Brother Siepert. Please, brothers and sisters. Listen to me. You can not substitute your attendance at Stadium of Fire for one week's attendance at church. I know that the spirit was strong there, (I cried) but it doesn't count as church. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times--Brother Siepert lies.

Casserole of the week - Beefy Cabbage Casserole

Thanks to Brother and Sister Porter for this week's casserole. I do not recommend giving this to anyone under the age of 12. When he was younger, we used to try and get Nathan to eat it but every time he would regurgitate so much it seemed breakfast and lunch were in there too. Also, he'd get hives. But I don't remember if that was from this casserole or from bees. He's allergic to bees. But anyone over 12 will love the casserole. It's delicious!

Beefy Cabbage Casserole

This ground beef casserole is a flavorful family dinner casserole with cabbage, lean ground beef, and cheese, along with a crumb topping.

• 1 teaspoon vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons butter
• 1 pound lean ground beef
• 1 head cabbage -- cut up
• 1 onion -- chopped
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 dash of pepper
• 1 cup cheddar cheese -- shredded
• 1 cup sour cream
• 2 to 3 tablespoons port wine or apple juice
• 1 cup herb seasoned stuffing crumbs, tossed with 2 tablespoons melted butter

Brown beef in the oil and butter, pour off excess fat. Add cabbage, onion, salt and pepper. Cover and cook slowly until the cabbage is translucent, about 10 minutes. Add cheese, sour cream and wine. Mix well and heat through. Transfer mixture to a warmed and greased casserole dish. Top with buttered stuffing crumbs. Bake at 400 degrees for about 10 to 15 minutes, until topping is browned.
Serves 4 to 6.

Special treat - Two new seminars

As many of you know, Brother Eberhart is never one to hide his talents under a bushel. He is a nationally recognized life coach and self help speaker and has developed two new seminars specifically for an LDS audience. Before he begins his touring schedule this year, he has agreed to offer these new seminars to members of our stake for FREE! (A $2,900 value!)

The first seminar is for children, ages 3-11 and it is all about obedience. It's called, "Alrighty, Almighty! Step In Line With The Lord"

The second seminar is for the youth, ages 12-21. It is a wonderful seminar about the do's and don'ts of dating and it's called, "Warm me, don't burn--OUCH--thank goodness for repentance."

We will have all the scheduling details available at church next week.

A Bishop's Confession

Well, now that my son Nathan has already told a number of you, I feel I ought to come right out and say it. I have a poster in my shop of Shelly Long from the TV show Cheers. I should have taken it down long ago. That part is true. And, as many of you know, a few years ago my wife and I were going through a difficult time. It was then that I found comfort in the poster. But, I never spoke to the poster. And I most certainly did not kiss the poster as my son Nathan has told many of you on several occasions including last Sunday during his talk in Sacrament meeting.

Nathan and I have spoken about this and he is willing to admit that part of the story came from an episode in his own life when he kissed a poster of a popular musical group called Christina Aguilera.

I want all of you to know that I will immediately remove and destroy the Shelly Long poster.

Now, let us please get back to how we were before when you confessed to me and not the other way around.

Relief Society Lesson Kits, only $1,300

Sister Guthrie has developed a new spiritual product that all the women teaching Relief Society will want to purchase. It is a relief society lesson kit for only $1,300 dollars complete with the following items.

• 4 seasonal table clothes
• One brass oil lamp
• Large-print version of the poem "Footprints"
• 10 cross-stitched quotes including one from America's favorite Jew, Zubin Mehta
• Porcelain figure of a woman praying
• Porcelain figure of a young boy with one arm, flying a kite
• Porcelain figure of a woman with 8 kids, crying
• Tabletop easel
• Hilarious joke-picture of Dostoevsky getting baptized by David Rodeback

Buy this lesson kit now and feel an increase in the spirit today!

A menu item that's spiritual - The Afterwhich

You know how in church, when someone is conducting, they will announce the speaker and then say, "After which, we will hear from...". Well I don't know about you, but that always makes me hungry. So finally I've done something about it. I've invented a new sandwich I'm calling "The Afterwhich". It's roast beef on rye but with capers instead of horse radish. And, it's to be eaten immediately following sacrament meeting. After which, you can enjoy Sunday school.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Sister Abigale Swenson.

Sister Swenson, a Utah native, grew up in Vinegar, Utah, a town that no longer exists. However, at one time, Vinegar Utah had as many as 2,000 residents, mostly sheep farmers. Sister Swenson learned the value of hard work as she was responsible for milking and feeding 50 head of cattle every day when she was only nine years old. She taught a local Indian boy how to speak English and he in turn taught her his language which he called "Cherekoi". It turned out to be simply "Pig Latin". That would be the last time she ever trusted a man.

As such, Sister Swenson never married but instead learned to trust animals and her own animal instincts. She decided to leave the church for several years when a previous bishop did not allow her cows to be baptized but eventually the Holy Spirit brought her back in to the fold.

Sister Swenson is currently the farm animal coordinator of our ward. At this point, we don't have any farm animals, but if we ever get some, Sister Swenson will coordinate them.

In the Celestial Kingdom, minimum wage will be $26 an hour.

In heaven, minimum wage will be 26 dollars an hours. So, you kids just keep following the commandments because heaven is going to be awesome!

A fourteenth Article of Faith?

If I was going to write Articles of Faith that are specific to our ward and our ward alone, one of them might be

"We believe in being honest, on time for BYC meeting, supporting the young women in their desire to learn needlepoint, and not leaving spent fireworks in your driveway for three weeks after the fourth of July. Geez, Brother Stathum. And baptism."

And that's why I don't wear low-rider pants

This post deleted per request of my son, Nathan.

Let Us All Contract Spiritual Warts: a clarification

I just got off the phone with brother Jepson who wanted me to let all of you know that he didn't mean to offend anyone in Sunday school last week.

As you may know, warts are common, and are caused by a viral infection, specifically by the human papillomavirus (HPV) and are contagious when in contact with the skin of another. What brother Jepson was trying to say when he suggested we should all contract spiritual warts, is that it should be common for us to have the holy spirit with us and that we should spread it to one another.

What he didn't mean to suggest is that we should spread it to one another through skin contact. And unlike what brother Alan Siepert, the ward liar has told everyone, Brother Jepson certainly did not intend for the spiritual warts to be of a sexual nature. But we all sin (although I don't sin nearly as much as I used to and not nearly as much as three of my sisters) and so if you have contracted spiritual warts of a sexual nature, I suggest you come talk to me and I can apply some spiritual Compound-W.

Sister Milner has a two year supply of hair

I'd like to direct your attention to Sister Milner. She is setting a wonderful example to all of us. As you take a look at her, you'll notice that she has so much hair that she now has a full two year supply. It's long, it's curly, it's stacked way up high and it's an impressive example of provident living. We should all be so faithful.

When hate is healthy

There is someone in the ward I can't stand. And no, I'm not going to tell you who it is. And the only reason I'm telling you now is to let you know that it's ok to hate, just as long as you don't tell people who you hate.

And also it's ok to hate if you can still find it within yourself to give the person you hate a calling as, say, Sunday school president, for example.

Hating is bad when it gets in the way of how you treat that person in public. If you walk up to a person you hate, and you poke them with scissors and then act like it was an accident--"Oh, I'm so sorry, I am so sorry. Oh heavens, you're bleeding. Let me buy you a new shirt", then obviously that's a problem. But if you talk to them about their roses or how their son that comes over and drinks all your milk is just so adorable and fun to have around, then you are just fine.

Of course I don't encourage hate, but I just wanted to help clarify what's a healthy hate and what's a hate that will cause you to lose the spirit.

See you Sunday.

Trip to Costco can now count as Family Home Evening

Without asking stake president Martin if this is agreeable, I have just decided to make the decision myself. Which is, a trip to Costco can now count as Family Home Evening. Isn't this wonderful! There are, however, guidelines.

All members of your family must be present. If any of you lack a family member, this does not count as family home evening, but rather, a good old trip to the store without any spiritual benefits. Also, you must still have a song and a prayer. One of these can be done in the car, but not both. You can choose which one is most appropriate to do in the car. (We love singing "This land is your land").

With the world the way it is right now, we must find a way to get everything done that is necessary, and still find time to follow the prophet. I don't know about you, but I am delighted that I can pick up a large brick of cheese at the same time I'm picking up some heavenly blessings.

It's true

I know this might sound like a cliche, but a bird in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Finally - The casserole committee has been formed.

Sister Wainscough has been called as president of the casserole committee. As you know, this is one ward that takes their casseroles seriously. New baby? The mother gets a casserole. Broken leg? The injured gets a casserole. Death in the family? Casseroles all around. In fact for years, many of the sisters in the ward were members of the highly elite group of casserole bakers called "Casserollers". Only 50 people in the United States were members.

However, lately, some have felt the quality of casserole being baked and delivered to members of the ward have faltered. This was made clear last month when Sister Odin was assigned to take Sister Blazer a casserole. As it has been reported to me, all Sister Odin did was fold a pizza in half, stick it in a bowl, and call that a casserole. It's not. And it disrespects all the other ladies in the ward for whom casserole baking is an art.

And so the casserole committee has been formed. What this means, is that if a casserole is to be delivered to any member of the ward, you must first submit portions of that casserole to Sister Wainscough or any member of her committee. It is recommended that a second casserole be made and submitted so that the casserole to be delivered can still remain as one that has not been tasted.

This committee will solve all our casserole problems, I am sure of it.

This week's top sins!

Well, the votes are in. As I've met with some of you from the ward this week, I've come up with a tally of the most confessed sins. Here are the top five.

1. Breaking the word of wisdom
2. Lusting after Sister Blassengame
3. Pride
4. Sending roses to Sister Blassengame
5. Not reading the scriptures.

Let's do better this week!

That was the worst testimony I've ever heard

Last Sunday, little Roger Briggs had the worst testimony I've ever heard. My wife said, "But he's only five". That may well be, but he never mentioned any member of the Godhead or his family or his health or how much the bishopric cares about him. None of that. Just some stupid thing about a dog and a turtle. I don't know why I'm so mad about this, but it really gets my goat.

"Best Blessing" contest - This idea is wonderful, wonderful to me.

People of the ward!

I have just been given a revelation regarding something that is really going to be fun. And if this doesn't bring the ward close together, I don't know what will. Here's the idea. We are going to have a contest to see who in the ward can give the best priesthood blessings! Why hasn't this been done before? It's such a great idea.

It's going to work like this. We will pass around a sign up sheet at church on Sunday. Any worthy priesthood holder is welcome to participate. (Unworthy priesthood holders can participate too, I guess, but you're just going to lose to a more powerful, more worthy priesthood).

Each person will be assigned one of the ward invalids. You will race to the invalid's home, give them a blessing, then come back and wait in the chapel until that person is healed. The first person to have their invalid reach full recovery will be the winner and crowned "Best Blesser" and the looser will be nicknamed “The Lesser Blesser”. I'm even going to see if President Martin will let us use some of the tithing money on a trophy. See you Sunday!

Someone called me an idiot -- I called them to repentance

Here is an actual email I received recently:
Warren Jeffs must be your hero!
Right!
Get a life! You look like a Idiot on your website!

I called that person to repentance with the following response:

Dear Brother or Sister,
When you talk like that you do not have the spirit of the Lord, which is too bad, because it's the best kind of spirit you can have. Learn to strive for it. Other kinds of wholesome spirits you can have are team spirit and the spirit of St. Louis.

On another matter-- Warren Jeffs is not my hero because he is a law breaker and a commandment breaker. My heroes always do what is right. Maybe you don't know brother Cardsdale in our ward, but to me, he is a hero. Ever since he was a child he walked with a limp and he was made fun of at school by some of the mean kids. Did that stop him from going out for track? No. It did not. Did he make the track team? No. He did not. But the point is, he walks with a limp and that's who I respect. I see him out there every week mowing his lawn. Never asking for help. Paying a full tithe. Limping. Always limping. That's my hero.

If I had to guess, I'll bet that you do not have the spirit of the Lord and you are so angry because of a sexual transgression that you feel guilty about. You must repent. And whatever you do, do not let it lead to homosexuality. Am I too late? Is that the real reason you are so angry with God and with me (and in reality, yourself?)

Bless you.
Bishop Gerald Higgins

Loud laughter addiction night cancelled

Brother Dalton was planning on leading a discussion group this Wednesday on how to avoid loud laughter to those in our ward that seem to have an addiction to it. However, it has been cancelled because he will be in the hospital for the next two weeks. His wife has informed me that he slipped on a squeaky toy that his son left at the top of the stairs and he landed at the bottom with a broken hip and a broken arm. His wife thought it was hilarious, but I see nothing funny about it. I also don't see anything funny about cataracts, scurvy, the gout or restless leg disorder which is also sometimes referred to as Jimmy Legs, The Orchestra, spare legs, "the kicks" or sewing machine foot. And I don't remember if I mentioned this in Sacrament Meeting last week or not, but Brother Mendleson has restless leg disorder and we should remember him in our prayers.

Did someone borrow the organ?

Quick question. Did someone borrow the organ this week from the chapel? I'll just ask that you please return it. We'll need it tomorrow for Sacrament Meeting.

Love,
Bishop Higgins

Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled

Sister Metcalfe, our activities committee chairman has informed me that Burning In The Bosom Night has been cancelled due to some confusion regarding our agenda. This disappoints me on many different levels and I just want to say to brother Clovenhuff that there is a reason it was called Burning In The Bosom night and not Teat Grab Night. Frankly, I'm too disgusted to write about this further.

A brand new ward calling I invented!

Just wanted to let you know that sister Tina Vickers has been called as the President of the Beehives. Not the Beehives young women's group--but the actual beehives--hive of bees--that we will have stewardship over this year at the church farm. In the fall, we'll have a honey sale at the church and the beehives will provide the dinner. And now I'm talking about the young women's group.

What's more lovely than a kitten?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praisworthy, we seek after these things".

If that's true, then I believe God wants us to look at this picture of a kitten. Consider it a commandment of God to stare at this kitten. For some, that might mean 30 seconds. For others, two hours. I can't tell you how long to look at this picture of a virtuous kitten. You'll have to use the spirit to know for sure.