My 10 favorite things about 2008

10 - Went boating 36 times with my family. There will be boating in heaven.
09 - Kept my weight at under 200 pounds (righteous eating habits)
08 - Learned how to boondoggle.
07 - Helped my son Kyle with his Pinewood Derby (Wining isn't everything Kyle. But having a good relationship with your father, is.
06 - Helped my son Nathan eradicate the word "retard" from his vocabulary and helped him see that something "hilarious" isn't a justification for saying it.
05 - Invented a new kind of nog. Ham nog. It's delicious.
04 - Inspired so many people in the ward to choose the right.
03 - Quarreled less.
02 - Avoided evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, and also avoided looking down the shirt of Sister Laub even though I believe she bent over like that on purpose. Now, sister Laub. What are we going to do with those--I mean, you. What are we going to do with you?
01 - Strengthened the youth.

Happy New Year, brothers and sisters. And may all your prayers be granted and half of your wishes.

Bless this food

When we say a prayer before eating and include a phrase about blessing the food to nourish and strengthen our bodies, what happens to the food is nothing short of a miracle.

High fructose corn syrup takes on the molecular properties of cane sugar, sugar takes on the properties of salt, salt takes on the properties of protein, protein takes on the properties of fiber, and fiber takes on the properties of even more fiber.

That's why we Mormons are way more healthy than other religions and non-believers.

Go Mormons!

Contents of Sister Jorgenson's testimony.

Here is a 2008 summary of the content presented to us by sister Jorgenson as she has given us her testimony each month.

Deseret Book should sell these

Well that would have made things easier

I was just thinking that if the pioneers would have had access to some jackets with Gore-tex when they crossed the plains, that would have really made things easier. Without it, though, you can really see why they got as cold as they did. I'll bet if they did have Gore-tex, there would have been more of the following conversations:

Man 1: Looks like a storm's a brew'n
Man 2: Storm, schmorm.
Man 1: Huh? What are you talking about. We're bound to get cold and wet. Oh right. Gore-tex. I forgot.
Man2: By the way, why is your shoulder all torn up?
Man 1: I just put my shoulder to the wheel.

Most popular pies

Here is a pie chart showing what pies were most popular at the ward Christmas party last Saturday.

Facebook.

My son Nathan told me about Facebook and I felt it would be just another way to stay connected with the ward. If you use Facebook too, be sure and add me. You'll be blessed for doing so. I'll have to ask my son Nathan, but I don't think you have to be in the same ward. Or even in the stake. In fact, I'll bet you can live in other places and have different views on religion. I might be part of the one true church, and you might be in the full grip of Satan's power. It's facebooky fine.

This week's 44th least popular sin

Saying to a young single girl, "It's getting a little hot in here--Why don't we take off our sweaters" even though it's 35 degrees and neither of you are wearing sweaters.

Christmas gift guide

Want a great Christmas idea? Give someone an afghan. They're both itchy and cozy at the same time, reminding us that there must be opposition in all things. Young kids can benefit the most from this lesson. Old people can benefit the most from the extra layer. There is no need to be ashamed of poor circulation.

I just made a hoagie sandwich

Sister Villenstein's pray took so long on Sunday that it gave me a chance to prepare and eat a hoagie sandwich before she finished. Delicious.

This week's 15th most popular sin

Dressing up in a sexy nurse costume even though Halloween is over and you're not a nurse.

General Authorityship 101

Starting this spring, BYU will teach a class on how to be a general authority. The class not only prepares participants in becoming general authorities, but it will also help you learn lots more scriptures, including a few about faith, and some about prayer.

Class topics with include:
1. How to select a proper necktie
2. Which shades of dark blue are appropriate for a suit
3. How to lovingly scorn sinners
4. Voice intonation
5. Avoiding loud laughter
6. Avoiding fun
7. How to read from a tele-prompter
8. Food storage myths
9. The two occasions when it's ok to swear
10. Whether or not Steve Martin is a Mormon and if not, what can we do to get him to be one
11. How to cut down a walnut tree you planted and make your very own podium
12. Celebrities we wish had never been Mormon to begin with
13. White hair, gray hair, no hair--It's all good
14. The real reason blacks couldn't hold the priesthood for a while
15. Underground tunnel navigation review
16. Where to find stories of kids falling down wells, or stories about people picking up talking snakes
17. How to donate to Rush Limbaugh
18. Most hilarious excommunications
19. Be sure to marry someone better than you, but that talks to adults like they're talking to a kindergarten class
20. Doctors that will discretely remove tattoos - (no one's prefect)

Who would Jesus Bomb?

I saw a bumber sticker today that said, "Who would Jesus bomb?" which is sort of silly, because they didn't have bombs back then.

Trip down memory lane

Last night I thought I was taking a trip down memory lane but apparently, according to my son Nathan, I was taking a trip down dork lane.

Ironic, I'd say

Are you like me? Don't you think it's ironic that brother Don Berger is a vegetarian?

Let us teach the young kids what is cool

When I first became bishop two years ago I thought one of the perks would be that when I interview people, I would get to see some people I hate, cry. But as it turns out, I don't hate anyone and I never really have. So that was a silly thing to think would be a perk. 

Instead, I should have realized the perks would be that I'd see an increase in the spirit in my life and that I'd get a good parking spot at church because I'd get there before anyone else, and things like that. This calling is really teaching me a lot. 

Learning from the Lord is cool. Now, we just need to find a way to teach the young kids that having the spirit is cool. Wearing your pants low isn't cool. Reading the scriptures in your native tongue or a secondary language is cool. Hitting people in the face with a mud-ball isn't. Helping a neighbor throw out rotten food from their cellar is cool. Calling someone a douche-bag isn't. Getting the crowd to sing "Teach Me To Walk In The Light" if you're in a group where someone passes out and you're all standing around while the paramedics work on him, is cool. Memorizing lines from popular movies, like Legally Blond and A Dirty Shame, isn't.

Now, let's just teach the young kids.

Who would Joseph Smith vote for?

I had a dream last night that Joseph Smith prayed to find out who to vote for and his answer was that he should not vote for any of the candidates. That none of them would lead us in the right direction. But instead, that he should write in the name of Kelly Ripa. That's when I realized I was dreaming.

How have you fallen so low?

Well, thanks again for our guest bishop stepping in while I was away with the family in Lubbock Texas. One thing that happens to a man when he goes to Lubbock Texas is that he realizes how much the Lord has blessed him to be able to live in Provo Utah, what, with these beautiful mountains and our plentiful shopping areas that are closed on Sunday. Lubbock, my heart goes out to you. You have no mountains and your stores are open on Sunday so your town folk may be tempted to break the Sabbath. Oh, Lubbock Texas, how have you fallen so low?

A poem for Lubbock

Lubbock, tempt me not

with our trinkets and your wine.

I never meant to sin

in such a dusty place.

O Pioneers!

I'm not saying that being a pioneer crossing the plains would have been easy. Of course they had their challenges. But sometimes I look back at their time and can't help but wish I could have been one of them, with their nice cowboy hats, their matching shirts and their gitty-up sing songs. Sure I'm happy with what I've got, but a fellow can dream, can't he?

This week's 23rd least popular sin

Making sculptures of the Provo Temple out of Spam, then selling them on Craigslist as "The Lord's Most Edible House".

Just like last year, we'll have another guest Bishop

Next week my family and I will be unable to attend our ward. We're going to Lubbock Texas. It's that time of year again when we visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

And, just like last year, (read about it here) I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop".

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

Also, don't tell him about the ward boat fund. I think that if you do he'll be jealous when he goes back to his own ward. And don't tell him about Mr. Wiggles, the ward dog, either. And come to think of it, don't tell him about how we just had "casual Sunday" and that we all wore shorts to church. And don't tell him about the snake that lives in the relief society room. And don't tell him how I burst out laughing during brother Calberts testimony last year. (So disrespectful. If he were still alive I would so tell him I'm sorry). But do tell him how I let any of the ladies wear fancy hats inside the church, like they sometimes do in those Baptist churches. (I love that about the Baptists). So while the guest bishop is here, mostly, just carry on like we're a normal ward.

Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

Ward Boondoggler - Ashley Knudsen
Ward Knudsen - Todd Boondoggler
Ward PR specialist - Calvin Billden
Ward Halloween Party Pooper - Martha Oberman (again)
Ward Chorister - Bill Romero
Sunday school teacher for the CTR-B class - Rob Sadler
Ward Cartoonist - Cal McGovern
Ward Machinist - Mac McCallister
That guys that puts all the Hymn books back after Sacrament Meeting - Olaf Skulgen

Without purse or scrip

Are you like me? Do you sometimes run down to the store without purse or scrip and then you get to the checkout line and that's when you figure out you've left the house without your purse or scrip. So you run home to get them and then you're walking across the parking lot and you hear some teenage boys yell out, "Ha ha. Look! That man's got a purse".

Does that ever happen to you?

Casserole wrestling

It's come to my attention that some members of the ward have begun a casserole wrestling club. Let me state that while it may not be as lurid and sensual as mud wrestling or jello wrestling, it is still unbecoming of a follower of Jesus. I'd like to see that this is discontinued at once. Casserole wrestling--what will they think of next? Actually, please don't answer that. I don't want to know.

The quadruplets - an upadate

It's been over a year since Sister Adler had the quadruplets, Faith, Hope, Charity and Brenda. (You can read about it here). Many of you have been asking why they named the boy "Brenda" and so you'll be happy to hear they decided to change his name to Randy. Believe me, I'm as relieved as you.

Will you be in the ward road-show?

Brother Samuelson is calling to see if you'll be in the road show. If the answer is yes, can you also direct it?

Makes you laugh and think

What's great about the Pearl of Great Price is that it makes you laugh AND think.

Just kidding. It only makes you think.

You can't choose yourself to be Elder's Quorum President

Brother Samuelson is calling to ask that you quit campaigning to try and be elder's quorum president. That's not up to you. It's up to the Lord.

Davey Wicket, you just misunderstood - that's all

Davey Wicket called me yesterday. He was concerned about the reverence level in the nursery. As it turns out, he walked by the nursery room last Sunday just in time to overhear one of the youngsters yell out, "I can touch my eyeball". Thing is, however, that he didn't realize it was the nursery room but thought it was the Family Relations class. Once we realized the source of the misunderstanding, we both had a good laugh. Then I showed him how I can touch my eyeball. One thing you'll learn about me if you're new in the ward--I love to joke and tease.

Heaven's Going To Be Awesome!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Heaven's going to be awesome!

Get To Know Your Ward Members

This Week's Profile: Stanford Camdon

Stanford Camdon may have a dumb name, but he has a terrific job. He owns a company that is the fourth largest producer of circus peanuts in the western United States (not including Colorado). He inherited the company from his aunt who ran the company for years.

You may have noticed that brother Camdon is hard of hearing. That's a result, he shouted to me one day, of being around all the heavy machinery at his factory. You may have noticed that brother Camdon only has one leg. That's because of an accident that took place at the factory years ago. You may have noticed that brother Camdon is missing three fingers on his left hand. He was born that way. Try not to stare.

Brother Camdon, great to have you in the ward.

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord

The young women in the ward have come up with a new fellowship program designed to get more of the less active young men to come and participate. It's called "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Lord." Let us all pray for its success.

Lex De Azevedo, Where Are You When We Need You

Wouldn't it be great if Lex De Azevedo would write another one of those musicals, like My Turn On Earth, but only this time, it would be about a dashing bishop that loves his ward, sometimes too much. He takes them boating and he's really good at badminton. But he lives next to a guy that thinks he should be the bishop instead and so he goes around telling people in the ward that the bishop isn't very good at playing horseshoes and that he doesn't know how to train a dog, even though he can. Man, talk about tension. How does it end? I don't know! That's why we need Lex De Azevedo. Where are you when we need you?

Don't Forget!

Just a reminder that we've moved "Casual Friday" to Sunday. Won't it be fun to wear shorts to church for once!

Brother Samuelson Calls A New Family To Welcome Them To The Ward

Brother Samuelson welcomes a new couple to the ward and asks them if they want to come over and listen to Fibber Mcgee and Molly.

Easy Listening

Does the Lord love easy listening music more than other kinds? I believe the answer to that is yes.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Praying to Mitt Romney

Vote for our site - It's a commandment

If you care at all about your salvation (Heaven's going to be awesome!) then I recommend you vote for this blog. We've been nominated for something. I'm not sure what. Probably something about how spiritual our ward is. I think the award is probably something like, the whole ward will get translated.

Brother Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Scones

Take the Homeless Boating, Take Them Boating

You know how, when you think about the homeless, you always think about giving them a new pair of socks, or helping them get a burr out their beard? Those things are nice, but sometimes the homeless like to just let their hair down and have a good time. That's why we're going to have a"Take the Homeless Boating" night. We tried this last year and it was a great success.

Thanks to all the homeless that showed up last year:
Flapjack
Lug nut
Captain Scabs
Callico
Breadbox
Jib-jab
Noxy
Lady Cha-cha
Cornhusk
Badger
Ricketts McGhee
Mr. Shiny
Lord Vagabond
Dave Norley

Royal Samuelson Calls Members of the Ward - Bake Sale

Brother Royal Samuelson, Executive Secratary, makes a call to clarify something about the ward bake sale. It's not the ward get baked sale.

Baby Blessing

Last Sunday, Justin Gorble blessed their sweet little daughter, Cassie. Justin informed me there were quite a few things he forgot to mention in the blessing. And while they won't "count" now, he did want me to mention to the ward some of the things he wishes he would have remembered to say.

...And Cassie, we bless you to never use swear words until you're at least 21, and then only if you're in a play about coal miners. We bless you to be extra kind to Chinese people. They seem to hardly ever get a break. We bless you to not marry anyone named Butch. That name alone should tell you all you need to know.

We bless you to be healthy, and if you do get an anal fissure, it won't be until you are at least 93 years old. We bless you to not get vanity license plates.

We bless you to be able to keep from bursting into laughter whenever you meet people that say they went to LDS business college. We bless you to be a good speller.

You come from a long and proud line of Gorbles. Never forget that you are a Gorble. While the name may be a little silly and sort of sounds like an overweight person with a double chin, you should still be proud of your heritage and just be glad your last name isn't Siemens.

We bless you, that, if during your lifetime, someone figures out a way for humans to become invisible, you will use this power for good, never for evil. Satan will try and tempt you to become invisible and go to movies without paying for them. Resist this temptation.

We bless you to avoid getting an email address that sounds like you're a stripper. We bless you to be kind to animals, but never try to elect one to political office.

We bless you that you will have a beautiful singing voice that will lift the spirits of many through the power of music. Learn well the songs of Karen Carpenter. These songs will bless the lives of so many people at the old folks home if you can just get over the smell and humble yourself to go there and perform.

We bless you to have good memorization skills but also be good at ping-pong and hacky sac.

And finally, we bless you to look good in pink, but also in orange and brown.

I liked it better way back when

Why do all the movies have to have so many sexual overtones and explosions these days? Why don't they make the movies like they used to where they left it up to your imagination whether or not one or both of the people on screen had a venereal disease?

That was one good sacrament meeting

If you weren't there in sacrament meeting last Sunday, boy oh boy did you miss a great meeting. I don't remember what anyone talked about, but we got out five minutes early. That gave me some extra time to shake some hands and squeeze in an extra bishop's interview. I won't tell you who it was, but I will tell you that she will be coming in next week too, and the week after that. And she drives a blue Lexus.

Why I have so much humility

As many of you know, while I don't technically feel like I'm better than you, I do feel like I excel, in many areas, more than most people. I'm very good with home financing, for example. I'm very frugal, but not cheap. I do enjoy an expensive meal at the Olive Garden from time to time, but I can also enjoy myself at Del Taco. I don't brag, but I do feel comfortable talking about how I can most likely beat you in Scrabble or Badminton.

Is that wrong? No. Because I talk about it as a way of getting you to be a better person. It's all in the reason why I do it. If I was doing it to vaunt myself above you or for gloating purposes, then yes, it would be wrong.

But I learned at an early age that it's so much more helpful to talk about your superiority with humility. And I'm very good at it. It's just another one of my skills. Did I develop this skill overnight? I did not. I developed it over three nights after attending a seminar 20 years ago called "Humility: Good, but other skills are way better".

Get to know your ward members

Dolly Frischknecht always loved her last name. That was because her mother used to tell her that is was Polish for "both regal and fragrant". Her mother was lying. It is, in fact, Polish, but the real meaning of the name is "I think I'm going to sneeze". It was years before Dolly learned the truth and when she did, became angry, then bitter, then angry, then sad, then giddy (that was only for a few minutes while she was riding a roller coaster at Lagoon) and then back to angry again. During this period of her life, she met the Mormon missionaries. They taught her about love and forgiveness and Dolly learned that when we are angry at others, the only one it hurts is ourselves. (Unless during the time we are angry, we sock the other person in the jaw).

Dolly has now been a member of the church for two years and is currently serving on the ward cafeteria planning committe.

I also want to point out that Dolly is nearly 7 feet tall. Freakish for a man, but even more so for a woman. Do not let that stop you from welcoming her in our ward. There is no place in our ward for looking at someone with a odd or strange trait that deep inside you are so glad you don't have, and treating them any differently because of it.

Buy holy clothes

If you want a t-shirt that says, "I am way more humble than you" or "Sexual innuendo on the rise" you can get one here. All proceeds go towards the ward boat fund. Perfect for back-to-school and endorsed by myself and Stake President Martin.

My conference talk

I won't be speaking in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.

Incentive program

Call me crazy, but I don't think there's anything wrong with our young missionaries giving their investigators an extra incentive for joining the church. I mean, what's wrong with letting them know that if they get baptized by next week, they'll throw in a delightful spa package for both the investigator and her husband valued at $550 and if they get baptized two weeks after that, they still get a prize, but instead of the spa treatment, it's a Cherie Call CD. If Cherie Call can't get them to join the church, I don't know what will. (Well, the spirit).

Cherie Call has a CD called Heart Made of Wind. Take that, gentiles.

Brother Mendelbaum is gross

Brother Mendelbaum thinks it's so funny to come out of the bathroom and then say, "Funny. I don't even remember eating corn." I think it's gross.

I'll Have To Ask The Stake President

Brother Meldon asked me a question on Sunday and I don't know the answer. He wanted to know if, in terms of sinning, "loud laughter" and "loud giggling" are the same thing. I'll have to ask the Stake President.

This Week's 406th least popular sin

Cattle Rustling

This Week's 387th least popular sin

Playing dice in the alley.

Ward Party Some Time Soon

Our ward party will be held the next time Alan Siepert, the ward liar, has to work nights. If someone could let me know his work schedule, that will really help moves things along.

Get To Know Your Ward Members

Long time ward member Chuck Livingston finally changed her name last week. She was tired of being mistaken for a man (because of her first name Chuck, not because of the slight mustache) so she had it legally changed to Dawn.

She told me recently that she felt she had to wait for her mother to pass away before she could change it. She felt like her mother, Steve Livingston, wouldn't have been very happy about the change.

SIDENOTE: Sister Steve Livingston also had a noticeable mustache. It used to scare my son Nathan when he was younger.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Calling Dick Embry a jerk and calling Jerk Embry a dick.

Can you buy way your into the Kingdom of Heaven?

You can't buy your way into the kingdom of heaven. Unless, of course, your talking about the new theme park "Kingdom of Heaven" started by our own ward member, Kit Arteburger.

The Kingdom of Heaven is a new "spiritual themed" theme park. Get it? Spiritual is the theme of this theme park. Before you ride Noah's Ark (my favorite ride) you must first go to the barn and bring back two chickens or two pigs, or two of whatever animal you can gather in the barn. That'll teach you to disobey God's word! And the ride "Joseph Smith's Beard" isn't so much of a ride as it is a fun quiz game where you must root out fact from fiction and the subject is church history. Did Brigham Young have a third nipple? That's for you to decide when you visit "Joseph Smith's Beard".

Opens this Fall!

I'm dying to know

The cannery has called to let me know that someone in our ward left their car keys at the building. They were found after the last shift. They keys are described as having a skull and crossbones key ring, along with a rabbits foot, an owls foot, a vial of consecrated oil, a vial of sheep's blood and 7 separate keys. It looks like one of the keys is to a Toyota Corolla.

Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Please don't decide to not come forward and claim the keys just because you drive a Corolla. Lots of really neat people drive a Corolla. They are an affordable and parsimonious choice. Seriously. Please come get your keys. I'm dying to know who drives a Corolla. I promise I won't laugh. Out loud.

A restaurant for Mormons

My brother is making a new restaurant in Las Vegas just for Mormons. It's called "The International Ward House of Pancakes". I'll expect lots of whole grains, yum-yum.

Church Quiz - The Vice President

You know, we talk so much about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young being the presidents of the church, but we never talk about their vice presidents. Can you guess why?

a) Their vice presidents were minorities
b) No one thought to write their names down so we have no idea who they were
c) The church doesn't have vice presidents. Too worldly.

Church Court: The Musical

Charlie Tibble, the ward gay, is working on a new musical called Church Court: The Musical. It's a classic tale of love and betrayal and ultimately, redemption, and even more ultimately, delicate prancing (a reoccurring theme in all of Charlie's work). He expects to have the play finished in 2014 so stay tuned for that one.

What would it be like?

I like to think about what things would be like for Joseph Smith if he were alive today. I bet he'd be good friends with Peter Breinholt, Marvin Payne and Governor Huntsman. And do you think he'd get introduced like, "And now, the first prophet of the Mormon Church..." or "And now, at age 203, the oldest man on earth..."

I love modesty

One of the things I like most about Pippy Longstocking is her choice of modest clothing. For that same reason we would never read our children any of the stories of Jenny Thongston.

This Week's Fourth Least Popular Sin

Pretending you're Jewish just to get out of attending sacrament meeting.

This may come as a surprise

Here's something most people don't know about me:
I love the smell of solvents and magic markers.

New Ward Callings

We have been busy this past week with a bevy of new ward callings. Here is a list of some of the callings that took place this week.

Ward Historian - Brother Melden
Ward Poet - Brother Ford
Ward Economist - Sister McDougal
Ward Clerk - Brother Aldamont
Ward Hand Model - Sister Phillips
Ward Calling and Election Made Sure Verification Specialist - Brother and Sister Conling

Mr. Wiggles

Our ward dog, Mr. Wiggles, just won "Dog of the Stake" award. Be sure and give him a congratulatory scratch to his underside next time you see him.

Did you know...?

Did you know that Brigham Young had a vision wherein he saw that if Porter Rockwell lived in our time he'd drive a Hummer? It's true.

Murder In Pioneer Village!

Just kidding. This is Provo. Butter churning in Pioneer Village. That's more like it, yum yum.

Hidden talent under a bushel

I happened to be looking under a bushel (not my own bushel) and found Chuck Ardent's singing voice. Why, Chuck, were you hiding it under that bushel?

Here's what boils my blood.

As the bishop of the ward, I get a little worked up when I hear about our members sinning. Here is a list of actual statements I've overheard recently when they didn't know I could hear them, and it really just boils my blood.

"Petting is an enjoyable activity."

"When I'm thirsty, I reach for an alcoholic beverage."

"Once I learned how to win at Blackjack, everything was all right."

"Coffee makes me feel alive."

"I emotionally neglect my spouse but totally make up for it at Christmas and also in the bedroom, if you know what I mean."

"When I drive past the Larsen's house and wave, I count that as home teaching."

"General conference is so boring. I'd rather play badminton."

This week's ninth least popular sin:

Putting a lot of clowns in a tiny car and promising them that someone, somewhere, will think it's funny.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Dill Billett (It's not French. It's pronounced how it looks).

Dill Billett met his wife under unusual circumstances. He accidentally ran over her with a car while pulling out of Hogi Yogi one night. He rushed her to the hospital during which, she had a vision that she should marry Dill. Later, after they had been married for a couple years, he ran over her with the car again. This time on purpose. Not very nice, if you ask me, even if it was just her leg. He was taken to jail, then anger management classes, then to Los Hermanos where he apologized to his wife.

Dill has been in our ward for six years now and has served in the Scouting program. Not the one with the boy scouts, but the one where we used to keep a lookout on the roof of the church. We were all paranoid that hooligans were going to egg the church during sacrament meeting and felt like we needed a scout; a lookout. No one ever did egg the church, and I feel like it was, in part, because Dill was such a good Scout. He has also served in the primary as well as the secondary. Thanks, Dill, for being a part of our ward.

A pioneer tribute

I posted this picture last year and felt it was worth posting again this year. As we have just had Pioneer Day, let us always remember the sacrifice of our ancestors.

No, there is no "Hunchback Branch"

It's strange, but brother Alan Siepert, our ward liar, has been quiet for a few months and hasn't tried to spread his lies for some time. But I knew that silence was too good to be true. The problem with brother Alan Siepert's lies, is how believable they are, and how effective he is in convincing the ward that what he says is true. So while we do have the Spanish Branch in our stake, believe me, we DO NOT have a hunchback branch. As far as I know, there are no hunchback branches anywhere in the church. Let's be very clear on that.

Brother Siepert, why do you do this?

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Asking a hunchback to try on your football shoulder pads.

Jesus also healed the hunchbacks

Last night as I was reading the scriptures to my youngest son, Trevor, he asked me why Jesus only healed the blind but not the hunchbacks. I'm telling you this in case you get asked the same question from your own children. I told little Trevor that of course Jesus healed the hunchbacks. We just don't have a record of it. He healed many people with a variety of ailments from bee-stings to blindness and back down to bee stings then over to cramping and heart palpitations and everything in between. Including hunchbackedness.

Who would you rather baptize?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or, Captain Hook?

Why I Don't Let Satan Temp Me

I can only imagine how vivid my imagination would be if I was to let Satan have his way with me and my thoughts. And I don't like what I'm imagining. Although I will say, that blouse is a nice color on you.

Happy Pioneer Day

This week, let us always remember the pioneer stories. For example, the faith promoting story of how one pioneer had a vision of the future and saw what we now know of as the "car". Once he saw these motorized hand-carts in a vision, he realized he could just stay in Missouri, (which he did) and then two generations later, his ancestors were able to get in a car and drive to Salt Lake. On their way, they stopped in Wyoming for ice cream.

Happy Pioneer Day, brothers and sisters.

Really, a tragedy

I just found out that the wonderful publication Brigham Young Look-Alikes Magazine will be folding after only three issues. This is a real tragedy, but shouldn't be all that surprising when you think about it. I mean, where were they going to get all that content month after month?

Sometimes I forget

We had to cancel the primary kids social this Saturday because we forgot that was the same day we were holding a church court for the primary president. I really don't know how that slipped my mind. But you think that's bad. You should have been there when I forgot I wasn't supposed to tell my wife (or anyone for that matter) the reason why Candice Egbert came to my office crying last week. I really am forgetful sometimes.

I go one step further

You know how we are supposed to have clean hands and a pure heart? I go one step further. Whenever I read the scriptures I make sure I have clean hands, pure heart, AND fresh breath.

Third Nephi Chapter 14 - Revisited

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words, a ton of people took notes but then argued like crazy about who had the correct version.

2 For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged, except for Judge Judy, who, quite honestly, will be laughed right out of heaven.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest that the acne he has is way more noticeable.

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye, and can I also borrow your bicycle?

5 Thou hypocrite. You just told your friends that your brother’s bike is a piece of junk and now you want to borrow it?

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine. In fact, don’t cast your pearls at all. There’s a pretty good chance your husband paid a lot of money for those pearls and casting them before swine or anyone for that matter makes no sense at all. No pearl casting. I should have made that commandment number eleven.

7 Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. This is a pretty simple, three step process. What part of ask-seek-knock don’t you understand?

8 For every one that asketh, shall receive 20% off during the month of April.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread will give him a stone? It’s hilarious to do it, but ultimately, not very nice.

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? Or if he ask for his pearls to be cast before swine, cast them instead before a fish? Or if he asks if he can get a rabbit, you say, only if you like rabbit stew?

11 If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Probably a lot more than Santa.

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law of the prophets. Another law of the prophets is to try to do as much good as possible and prophesy and all that, but also spend at least two hours a week on a hobby. This will keep you from being too serious.

13 Enter ye in at the strait gate. You’ll need to park in the north parking lot and then head towards portal D, section 8. That’s where the strait gate is.

14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. That’s why there’s a map printed on the back of the ward bulletin. We want everyone to be able to find it.

15 Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing. Let me just stop right there and say that I can’t believe I even have to tell you this. I mean, listen, anyone that comes to you in sheep’s clothing is obviously suspect. That’s like pointing out that the sky is blue. Beware of anyone is sheep’s clothing, yes, and by all means, do not buy insurance from this man.

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. And also, their last name will be Stevenson. Do men gather grapes of thorn, or figs of thistle? No one I know does that.

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit. But you still need to pick the fruit and make juice. I’m not going to make a orange juice tree. That would be weird.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Imagine how confusing that would be. Especially to a blind person.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. That reminds me, do not let the little ones play with matches. I can see into the future you know, and I’m just telling you, do not let the kids play with matches. How important is it for you to keep your garage? Ok then. Do what I say.

20 Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them. By their nuts ye shall know them even better. Because anyone that shows up with a handful of peanuts is a cheapskate. Anyone that comes with smoked almonds in a fancy can, well, now you’re talking.

21 Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. That’s because we’ve instigated a program where you need a membership card and I just know some of you will forget yours when you come to heaven.

22 Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name, and in thy name have cast out devils? And I will say, yes, ye have done these things. But I just told you you need a membership card. Maybe you cast out your card by mistake when you were casting out devils. And by the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you this--not all those spirits you cast out were devils. Some were really nice spirits and they were planning on being down on earth for a lot longer and then you cast them out and they had to come back early. We weren’t quite ready for them so they had to wait in a waiting room, and I’m sorry to say, the air conditioning wasn’t working in there for a few days and you should have seen how much they were sweating.

23 And then will I profess unto them: I never knew you: depart from me. But then I’ll get feeling bad and wondering if I was a little too harsh, so I’ll invite them back.

24 Therefore, whoso heareth these saying of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock and who uses really nice faucets in all the bathrooms.

25 And the rain descended, which is weird, because it wasn’t supposed to rain until Wednesday.

26 And every one that heareth these saying of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand, and also shall be likened unto the contractor and the building inspector that were foolish enough to give the project the go-ahead. I mean, it’s on sand for crying out loud.

27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and I hate to say I told you so, but...

This Week's Seventh Most Popular Sin

Lighting baby mice on fire, twirling them around and shouting, "Look, I've got a sparkler."

Scout Fund Raiser

This year for the scout fund raiser we are asking the ward members how much they will pay us to NOT be called as scout master. It's a pilot program. If it works, we are going to do something similar for ward mission leader.

Oh, if only this could be something real.

What if you could buy your testimony. That would be great. And what would be even greater is if you could get them at a store called Stockton to Malone Testimony. I’d pray for that, but I’m too busy praying that my son Nathan will get a job this summer. I wish he could work at Stockton to Malone Testimony.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Barlow VanKildone

Barlow VanKildone will be the first to admit that he has a soft heart. He will be the third to admit that he has a temper, and he will be either the tenth or the eleventh to admit that he looks like a freaking idiot when he grows a beard, which he does every year during hunting season. But back to the soft heart. It is because of that, that we made him the canning specialist. There is no real direct correlation, but I just felt as though a person that cares deeply for others should have a say in the way chili should be packaged. I don’t really know why, but that’s one of the great things about going by the spirit. You don’t always know the reason why. Sometimes you’ll find out the reason in three years, sometimes you just might never find out. You just go with it. So can on, Barlow. Can on!

That's Just A Little Too Conservative

My sister is just a little too conservative for me. I mean, I like being conservative and voting for Mitt Romney and making sure the ten commandments are hung in our courthouses across this land, but my sister won't eat foods described as "tangy" and she refuses to give any of her friends a "shout out" when she thinks they've done something neat. That's just a little too conservative for me.

I Doubt This Book Will Sell

I’m not using the power of discernment when I say this (I’m using what’s know as common sense) but I just don’t think Margo Baillet’s book “Using The Power of Discernment Instead of Common Sense” will be a big seller. Who knows. I’ve been wrong before. The year was 1983.

This Week's Fourth Most Popular Sin

Untoward groping.

Classic mix-up

Heavens, what a classic mix-up.

What happened, see, is that we had intended for brother Guy Fillaber to come and speak with the Elder’s Quorum about his harrowing journey through drug addiction and on the same Sunday, we had planned on having Milo Tucket come speak to the youngsters about how to raise rabbits. It’s seems funny now, but we had a classic mix-up so that Guy Fillaber told the youngsters about drug addiction (and a graphic play by play explanation of his intravenous injection, also known as “shooting up”) and Milo Tucket spoke to the Elder’s Quorum about how to raise rabbits (they are born blind and hairless and can easily contract Coccidiosis which can spread quickly).

Oh, my. Funny. This is one Sunday you won’t want to ask your kids what they learned in primary!

PS - Dogs can also get Coccidia. And black tar, smack, junk, skag, horse, brain, chaw, chiva, china white and dust are all “street names” or “slang” for heroin.

Donkey Sacrament Meeting

Many of you know of my love of Donkey Basketball. That's why you won't be surprised to hear that in two weeks we will be having a Donkey Sacrament Meeting.

That was one hungry ox

So many have asked about the wisdom of bringing a live ox in the foyer of the church to remind you all of our ward hand-cart trek. The ox ate the flowers and put a hole in the sofa with its hoof. Still, I stand by my decision.

This Week's Primary Birthday

This week, the child in our primary that has a birthday:

• Loves pizza
• Just got a new red bike for his/her birthday
• Doesn't like squash
• Wishes she/he had a snake
• Bed wetter
• Cries when she/he hears thunder
• 76% attendance in primary last year

Who is it?

If you guessed Cole Borden, you are so wrong. If you guessed Missy Dalton you're right! If you guessed Jack Ericson, why are you still guessing? I just told you it was Missy Dalton.

This Week's Fifth Most Popular Sin

Adding Satan as a friend on Facebook.

"...I only said it would be creamy"

"I never said churning butter would be easy, I only said it would be creamy."

That heart-felt bit of dialogue is from the new pioneer commemorative pageant that our ward will be putting on for the whole stake. This year, for the 24th of July, we have some stake-wide activities in addition to our own individual activities. And each ward in the stake has been asked to do something for the stake get-together on the 24th of July. Our ward was asked to put on a commemorative pageant, the 9th ward was asked to bring a salad. (Hardly anyone in that ward can sing).

Our hats go off to the wonderful ward choir for their part in this. Then our hats will go right back on because we'll all be participating in another handcart trek. You may recall how, in previous years, you've been asked to supply your own oxen. This year will be no different.

Put your shoulder to the wheel, brothers and sisters. It's that time of year again.

New ward librarian not grumpy enough

We'll be offering Elly Conberg, our new librarian, curmudgeon training. She'll be learning how to scowl if you check out more than ten pencils and she'll be taught to be suspicious of giving supplies to anyone under the age of 37.

Why we use the consecrated oil

I had a dream last night that a stick of butter said to a vial of oil, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" and challenged the concecrated oil to a duel the next day at high noon. The stick of butter lost the duel. The consecrated oil shot and killed the butter, and in my dream, that's the reason we use consecrated oil.

This Week's Second Least Popular Sin

Making fun of people with buck-teeth and telling them that they could probably eat corn through a picket fence.

Boat fund

Thanks to the recent boat fund donors. You will be blessed for that. So you say, in what form will the blessing come. Many forms. First, you will feel a sense of warmth and peace pass over you knowing you did the right thing. This will come almost immediately. If this has not come yet, find a quiet spot and contemplate how much fun you'll have out on the lake when we all go boating as a ward family. If that doesn't bring a sense of peace, it's possible you did not donate enough money. The second way that a blessing will come is through some coupons in the mail. Have you heard of ValPak? These can be redeemed at many of the local merchants for services that you probably already need. Lawn aeration. Wisdom teeth removal. And from time to time you might get a coupon that lets you save money on stabling a horse.

I have no idea why you are still up

I just went for a walk around the neighborhood. It's very late for me. I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm every night. You know what they say: Early to bed. That's the whole saying. Early to bed. There might have been more, but normally, then you go to bed, so there isn't time to go on about making a man healthy and wealthy. But listen--that's neither here no there. The thing I wanted to write about was that as I walked through the neighborhood and peered in some of your windows to check on you, I was surprised to see how many people were still up. It's midnight for heaven's sake. What, brothers and sisters, do you do this late at night? I just have no idea why you are still up.

Destroying angel actually quite a nice fellow

Sister Rose Gopsong had one of those near-death experiences and while "dead" met and interviewed the Destroying Angel. She said, as it turns out, the destroying angel is quite a nice fellow-- gentle, good sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes. Isn't that neat! I sure wouldn't have guessed all those things. Thanks, Rose.

We do not pray to Stephen Covey

I just had a long conversation with a neighbor of mine. He just moved here from California and has so many misconceptions about Mormons. Just to be clear, we do not pray to Stephen Covey. We can pray for him, but not to him. He will not answer your prayers. I'm not even sure he will hear them.

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Trespassory asportation.

Sexual Innuendo On The Rise

I just finished reading a report stating that the amount of sexual innuendo we see on TV and movies is on the rise. I read that and was flabbergasted. I nearly had a flabbergasm. What is happening to our world?

It needs be...

It needs be that I need new lawn chairs. Save it be that our others are worn out. I will go down to the Home Depot tomorrow, save it be, that it is Saturday, a special day.

Bishop’s Conference

I can’t wait to go to Bishop’s Conference next month. It’s held at BYU every other year and it’s for Bishops in the church to get together and talk about issues we all deal with every day.

There are classes and lectures to attend, firesides, and an ice cream sundae bar that would make any 15 year old kid wet his pants. It’s just like youth conference but without the dance on Saturday night.

(That would be real funny if someone in the planning department forgot that only Bishops were coming and so they put “Dance” in the program for Saturday night and then everyone would just stand around at the dance, real uncomfortable, just staring at the most attractive bishop wondering if they should ask him to dance just because they’re all at a dance, or maybe they shouldn’t because someone would think they were gay because they were dancing with another guy even though--hey--you put it on the program, so, that’s why I’m dancing. That would be real funny and then every year after that when you saw the other Bishops that were there you would slap each other on the back the way men do and you’d say, “Remember that year they accidentally had a dance and Bishop Wacolmb asked Bishop Nordon to dance and it turns out they both knew the Foxtrot?).

Even Kurt Bestor will be there to perform.

The Lordiest Month

Let’s make June a month filled with service and love and thankfulness. Let’s do more than we have ever imagined possible and make June the Lordiest month we’ve ever had!

Get to know your ward members

From time to time we highlight some of the most active members of the ward, which causes some of the less actives to feel less important. This saddens me. They are not less important. I keep telling them that. Why don’t they listen? I have even said it over a loud-speaker while driving by their house.

So today I’m going to highlight of our less active members--Plappen Elker. (Weird name, I know). Plappen, as you may be able to tell from the smell coming out of his home during dinner time, is not from the United States. I don’t know where he’s from because he is very hard to understand. He has told me on more than one occasion, but I really don’t have the foggiest idea. It may be near the Philippines. Either that, or it is on the opposite side of the globe as the Philippines. One or the other. Or neither. It just occurred to me that maybe his brother is living in the Philippines. Or maybe he was saying some name that sounded like the Philippines. In any regard, he wasn’t born in Utah. I’ll just tell you that. But he lives her now, and we’re pleased and delighted to have him in the ward. Also, he is very good at Ping Pong.

This Week's Third Least Popular Sin

Feeding lasagna to a horse, just to see if she will eat it.

Snake Heaven

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what it’s like in snake heaven. So I was at a loss a few days ago when little Maggie Pelten cried on the phone to me about a lost snake. They thought it might have crawled in to the VCR, but truth be told, they weren’t entirely certain. (I would not eat at the Pelten residence for at least three months, if I were you). She asked me if her snake was going to heaven. I told her of course her snake was going to heaven. Unless her snake has been smoking tobacco cigarettes and marijuana cigarettes, or unless her snake has been writing graffiti messages on the lavatory walls at school. She assured me that her snake has not being doing any of those things and I told her then her snake would be going to heaven. She asked me what snake heaven was like. And I have to be honest with you, I didn’t know what to tell her. See, sometimes, as Bishops, we don’t have all the answers and I don’t think we are expected to. On the other hand, sometimes we are expected to know the answers. This is one of those hands where I didn’t know. What would you have told little Maggie?

This Week's Least Popular Sin

Catering an orgy.

Good Advice up the Ying-Yang

Many ask, "Bishop, where do you find the inspiration for all the good advice you give me". Many assume I've read the book "Give Good Advice Up the Ying-Yang" or "An Advice-givers Guide to Giving Advice That Didn't Come From Dr.Phil".

I don't really know how to answer such a question. I think I've always been a little bit like this. Even at a very young age I was giving people as old as 18 and 19 years old some advice. Of course, back then it was advice such as "Hey, quit hitting me" or "You're going to fall off that" but it put me on the track of helping. And that's really what it's all about when you think about it. Helping. Helping and giving and pointing out ways that you could do things as proficiently as I do them.

It's a gift. My gift. Your gift might have to do with being able to tell if it's too hot in a particular room for your grandmother, so without asking you just go turn down the heat for her. Or your gift might be to play the violin at a high level of skill but not skilled enough to be a concert violinist so instead you work as a clerk in a law firm which makes you realize your real gift is to not be mad a God that you're not a more gifted violin player.

There's so many gifts and each person has at least two. Your gift may be as benign as being left handed, so you ask, why on earth is that a gift and then you find out that your real gift is how inquisitive you are.

Sometimes it takes people their whole lifetime to discover what their gift is. Others discover it as early as age nine. Anyone that thinks they have discovered their gift sooner than that is probably just dreaming. I mean, come on? Do you mean to tell me that your seven year old son can already speak three languages and can also beat you at guitar hero?

So let me give you some advice. Learn early what your gifts and talents are. The sooner you discover them, the sooner you can apply at that law firm for the clerk job.

Allow me to get personal

Allow me to get personal. Many of you have known me for quite a few years. You've seen me experience both joy and the flip side of joy, which is yoj. So it shouldn't surprise any of you that have known me for a long time, that I've thought about growing a mustache once I am no longer Bishop. I will only have it for two weeks, tops. I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt like it was something I should do.

Just a rumor

No need to worry yourself sick because it's just a rumor at this point. If you haven't heard, some of our ward members have been discussing the idea that the Second Coming has been canceled due to a lack of interest. This has yet to be confirmed.

Lost and Found

For the next two weeks in the foyer at church we will have a table set up of lost and found items. Please check the table for any items you may have lost. No word yet on whether Tabitha Clawson's virtue will be there.

Disturbing

I'm somewhat disturbed about the outcome of last week's cake auction. It was a grand success, and for that, I am thankful. However, the top selling cakes turned out to be Sister Blassengame's lovely cake shaped like the Provo Temple as well as Brother Vonderbun's cake decorated to look like a young women in a two piece bathing suit. I've been told that the reason it sold for so much was because of its uncanny resemblance to Tabitha Clawson. This disturbs me.

I had no idea

Last week, in a private meeting, our Stake President, President Martin, told me that heaven's computers all run on Mac. I had no idea.

This Week's Recipe

This week's recipe comes to us from Mark Belgord, who just returned from the Army.

Non-Alcoholic Vodka
Get a glass
Add ice
Enjoy!

Thanks Mark for helping us be in the world, but not of it.

Announcement from on High

Are you like me? Do you write in your journal three times a day but still feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of writing your personal history? Then you'll be so pleased to know that the church has just told all the bishops that we no longer have to worry about any kind of record keeping. Instead, we should spend more time with our families. That includes boating (at least one of your kids must be present), walks in the park, and a game we at our house call "Topsy Turvy Kitten".

Just kidding. We still have to keep records. Go back to feeling guilty for your inadequacies.

Lest we forget

Have we forgotten the faith of our fathers? Have we forgotten the sacrifice of the pioneers? Have we forgotten to turn off the oven?

Talents under a bushel? Release them.

The teenagers of our day are doing way too much talent hiding under a bushel. What I mean, is that if you hide your talents under a bushel, no one will get to see how well you can sing "On the good ship lollipop" or "Eye of the tiger". That's a shame. It's also a sin. I abhor sin. I also don't like cauliflower or canned yams. I once knew a girl my age who hid her bushel under a bushel. Too bad for her. As far as I could tell, she had a really nice bushel.

My favorite hymn

One of my favorite hymns is a song that, as it turns out, isn't a hymn at all. Its a popular song from Neil Diamond called "Forever in Blue Jeans". It has a wonderful message about how money doesn't sing and dance and how it's a real special feeling to have your wife right beside you and how you should be sure and wait until you're married to have sex. Ok. I made that last part up, but it's still a good idea to wait.

I can't remember if you have a mote or a beam

There are a few people in the ward that love to point out the flaws of others. Since I’m bishop, I won’t say who you are, but I suggest looking at either the mote or the beam in your own eye rather than going on and on about the mote or beam in your neighbor’s eye. (I can never remember which is which about if you have a mote or a beam in your eye and if your neighbor only has a mote or does he have a beam?)

Speaking of something in your neighbor’s eye, Jared Fillgette works for a company that makes glass eyes out of plastic. This makes it much more comfortable for the user, Jared says, but don’t stand too close to the fire. Can you imagine this scene--
Glass eye user: My eye is melting, my eye is melting!
Unsuspecting passerby: Oh no. You’ll go blind.
Glass eye user: I’m already blind in that eye. I’m yelling because now I”ll have to buy a new eye and they are real expensive. I was saving up for new boat for duck fishing.

Come Listen To a Prophet's Voice Crack

Our ward historian, Calbert Eldrige Furbey has discovered a wax cylinder recording, or, phonograph cylinder recording of a young Lorenzo Snow singing "Froggy went a courting". It's difficult to tell if it's the early technology, or young Lorenzo's voice, but at one point in the song, it seems that his voice begins to crack. I'll bet that wouldn't have happened had he been singing one of the church hymns. That's more of a comment on the power of the church hymns than on the voice of a prophet-to-be.

Good seats in heaven still available

Alan Siepert has done it again and we don't call him the ward liar for nothing. He has some of you convinced that all the good seats in heaven are taken. He said all seats in front, close to God have been reserved since 1956. First of all, there aren't any seats in heaven close to God. All the seats are good and all the seats are close to God. Now, it is true that only 30% are padded and those are in heaven's relief society room.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Gavin Auggler

Gavin Auggler tells me that growing up with unusually large ears was not as difficult as you might think, thanks to a mother that used to tell him, "Gavin, those enormous ears of yours are Gods way of saying thanks for being such a good listener to everyone in the pre-existence" and she also used to say that God was telling him "because you have such big ears, I promise you will not get cancer or Crohn's disease, although I can't say for sure about Carotenosis." Gavin has been in the ward for 12 years and has served on the high council and the low council as well as a Sunday School teacher and they guy that keeps everything up to date on the bulletin board. We are glad he's in our ward. Even though one of his ears is just outside the ward boundary. Just kidding. His whole body is in our ward. We love you Gavin.

What is going on at the Jeppsons?

A special ward committe has been formed to find out why in the name of all things holy the Jeppsons' family home evenings are so boring. We've been hearing complaints from their children for years now, but only recently have we heard complaints from brothers and sisters of the ward that are not related. For example, Shelly Wexler was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off some size 6 pants that her son no longer wore. She wanted to give them to the Jeppsons because, as you know, the Jeppsons have the twins, Bobby and Tippett, that should be able to fit in size 6 pants, even though most of their friends are wearing size 8. (Malnourished, if you ask me). Anywho...Sister Wexler dropped off the pants and was invited in and was told "come on in--we're nearly through with family home evening". She happened to arrive on a night that had Brother Jeppson sculpting an exact replica of Nauvoo, circa 1839, with a crude "clay" he made himself out of flour and old socks. Sister Wexler reports hearing one of the children whisper "can someone try to knock me unconscious."

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Potato Bar for Less Actives

In our Bishop's council meeting we discussed ways to re-activate the less actives and activate the downright hostile folks back to full fellowship. You'll be pleased to know that we received a revelation that told us the way to do it was with a potato bar at the end of Sacrament Meeting. While all of you faithful will make your way to Sunday School, I'll be serving the less actives a serving of baked potato goodness and a full serving of welcome back into the fold.

We've been praying for the wrong leg

Many of you have been asking how Kip Nelson has been doing, and particularly, how come his leg isn't getting any better after all the fasting and prayers we've been doing. As it turns out, we've been praying for the wrong leg. It's the left leg that's got the gummy knee. That's probably my fault and I take nearly all the blame.

Do not sell keys to the building on E-bay

We ask that you not sell the keys to our building. Do not sell them and do not give them to your friends. We know that Casey Altoon, for example, has been selling stolen goods on E-bay, including keys to our building. It has been reported to me by his mother that his medication has been adjusted and that many of your missing items should be returned shortly. I believe that includes Candy Larsen's kitten, Phil Drygert's garden hose, and Rose Thompson's urn collection. She also wondered if someone had one of those padded helmets she could borrow for Casey. He sold his on E-bay.

I was giving my son Nathan a lecture

Many of you have wondered why it has been such a long time since I kept you up to date on the ward happenings. Had I been released, many of you wondered? Had I been spending time at a house of ill repute, others questioned. None of those. Wrong. All of you. I have been giving my son Nathan a lecture. It was long on substance and long on length. That is what has been going on. In the mean time, Brother Samuelson, the Executive Secretary has been doing a bang up job on running the ward in to the ground. Thank goodness I'm back.

Come for the prayer - Stay for the crab

Brother Tibbits is making his wonderful Crab Cakes this Sunday night to be had after our monthly ward prayer. As always, we'll be having it at the church. Come for the prayer, stay for the crab.

The real reason the organist was released

If any of you lack the real reason the organist was released, let him ask the bishop. Sister Danzig was released from being organist, not because she was kept playing too loud (as brother Jepson suggested on a weekly basis) but because she was mad I would not let her install and use a drum machine to accompany her during sacrament meeting. That's the real reason.

CTR-b Class Blamed For Missing Casserole

You parents can call them little angels, but we in the bishopric know different. Sister Thompson had prepared a special casserole for Mardel Gibbs since he just had a second stroke. She came by the church on Sunday to pick up sister Lori Green so the two of them could deliver the casserole together. As she was coming in to the church to get sister Green, the CTR-b class opened her van and took the casserole from the front seat and hid it in the bushes. No one could find it for three days. The only good that I can see from this story is that Mardel's stroke has made it very difficult for him to eat anything other than liquids and chunk-free paste, so he probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the casserole anyway. But still.

We rate your testimonies

Just so that you, we, as a bishopric, rate each and every one of the testimonies given on fast and testimony Sunday. We use a five star rating. These are mostly kept to ourselves. I will tell you that Reed Thomas usually gets 4 or 5 stars. But not this week. We also award a testimony of the month award. You won't know who it is, though. It's just for our own amusement.

The Stake President Throws Like A Girl

Just because President Martin throws like a girl is no reason that we shouldn't respect him any more than you respect me. Please realize, I played baseball in high school and still stay quite physically active. But those are not the kinds of things on which to base your respect for our stake president. He is a good man. He plays the violin quite well, and has a number of different scriptures memorized--some of them are in the Bible. Let us all respect President Martin, the Stake President that throws like a girl.